thatsawesome Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Backstory, I'm a 27/M and she's a 32/F met her while she was on a 4 month vacation back in June. Started off as FWB and after hooking up we slowly started catching feelings for each other. I find out she's getting a divorce and she goes back up to NY to pack up her stuff to eventually move back down here to FL. She told me that I was a big part of her decision to move down here. Fast forward to August, we've been seeing each other for a couple months, and after she went back to NY, I came up to visit a week later since we both missed the hell out of each other. She still lives with her soon to be ex husband, she lives on the 2nd floor and he lives in the basement. Our skype sessions and talking on the phone went down quite a bit when he got back from his vacation. She told me that she'd let me know when a good time was to skype/call. I work in the evenings 3-4 nights a week, and she was free during the day. We would try skyping during the day but she would be busy taking care of the house and running errands, so it started becoming harder and harder to find time to skype. We went from skyping and talking on the phone about 4-8 hours a day to maybe 2 times a week. She started to blame it on me since she thought I was ignoring her and what not. Since I wasn't giving her the attention she needed/wanted she started hanging out with this guy we'll call Neil. Whenever "Julie" and I would fight, he'd be there to talk to her. So finally she told me that she's been seeing Neil at least 5 times a week, and spending the weekends with him. That was a heavy blow to me. We were never officially boyfriend/girlfriend but she told me that she was falling in love with me before. But after our harsh fights (she knew how to push my buttons to get me to see red, and I knew what to say to cut her deep), I told her I never wanted to speak to her again, and she'd say the same thing; she would text me first and try to talk to me once again. We tried talking after big fights and it would end up badly. Finally one night she tells me I want to talk, not text. So I told her I was going out later that evening since she was already out at the bar I didn't think it would be a big deal that I went out with a few friends. She then breaks down, and I told her to walk outside and call me, she tells me I can't call you right now because I just started to cry...I wanted you to know I want the best in your future but you always think I'm verbally attacking you when I text you something. So I ended up staying home that night to talk to her on the phone for 3 hours. The next day she calls me and asks to Skype, which I asked her to delete me before. So we get on skype and she tells me that if she never made things right with me that she wouldn't have wanted to move down to FL. Neil was supportive in her moving at first, telling her to make things right with me that he didn't like seeing her sad since me and her were fighting. So now Neil is telling her not to go, and now her decision is at a 60% moving to FL and 40% staying in NY. They still hang out quite a bit since she's still up there and he's got a soft heart and she told me they've never fought. But for some reason she clicks better with me. We've got a ton of inside jokes and we notice things about each other that no one ever does. I told her I was going to make a video/slideshow of reasons why to move back to FL and send it to her and she told me that she already made up her mind that I didn't have to do it, but now he's trying his hardest to get her to stay up there. They've gone out plenty of times, but never on a date, they're usually out drinking with other friends, but today while we were on skype he asks her to go to the movies as friends or do dinner and a movie as a date. She doesn't want to go on a date, but this guy is very similar to me, has a good heart, and I'm sure wants more than friendship with her. I ended up texting her asking her if she was going to dinner with him tonight and she says stop it and idk. She gets a little upset when I ask about Neil. She knows it hurts me when she talks about him, but since I'm not her boyfriend I can't just tell her to choose me or him. I need some advice and ideas how to win her over again before it's too late. Thanks for taking the time to read this, if you guys/gals need anymore detail, feel free to ask and I'll tell you more. -thatsawesome
WhatYouWantToHear Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 (edited) Try and take a step back and see how Jerry Springer this looks to everyone. You need advice on winning back a girl who has a boyfriend and lives with her husband. With that said and everyone laughing at how you are being played, you only have 1 option: move closer to her. She wants whatever is available and close to her at the moment, so the only way to have your moment is to be in front of her. The only way to be the #1 guy in her life (and not #3) is to move closer to her. Edited October 3, 2012 by WhatYouWantToHear
january2011 Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Unfortunately, it's already too late. She is playing off three men against each other and you're all (well, at least two of you) are lapping it up and allowing her to pull the strings. I suspect that she doesn't really care about any of you. It may be a typical case of neglect from her husband, leading to her feeling vulnerable to the temptations of finding another man to make her feel better. At first, she found you, but then circumstances conspired to make her feel neglected again. Thus she found "Neil." Yes, you could move closer. But if she is that easily tempted to find yet another man to soothe her when her current one(s) is "failing," you're going to have a hard job keeping her interested and faithful to you unless you're superhuman and don't make a single mistake, ever. I doubt that's possible for anyone, because life does sometimes get in the way, despite good intentions. My advice is to tell her to have at it with "Neil" because you are looking for someone who is more committed to a monogamous long-term relationship with you. That's not the answer you're looking for. However, I can't advise you on how to win someone who is unwinnable.
justwhoiam Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 So why isn't she your girlfriend? Did you ask her and she refused? Or you never asked? If it's the latter, what do you expect?
Author thatsawesome Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 Thanks for taking the time to read the thread guys. I've talked to her about being boyfriend/girlfriend. She's just been so jaded by all her previous relationships. She's moving back here to FL in a few weeks. I'm not perfect, I've got my issues to work out, but then again, who doesn't? She made it clear that Neil isn't her boyfriend. He wants it to progress into something more. I was number 1 when she was living here, but then the distance and less talking made things super hard for her. It's like the Kevin Hart stand up where he talks about girls get mad when a guy is out having fun with his friends. When I went out, she'd get jealous that she's stuck at home while I'm out having all the fun. I told her it's just not the same without her and I'm trying to make the best of things. The first month apart was pretty brutal, going from seeing each other every day to barely even talking on skype or the phone. As of lately we've made more time for each other talking. When we first broke it off, she asked me if I could still be just friends with her, and I told her no at the time because I was so upset and my emotions got the best of me. Now I have to prove to her that it's not about the sex despite how great it was. We've got a lot in common, and we were able to be comfortable around each other, but when she brought out the angry monster in me, it changed a lot of things when we were trying to reconcile. She was always the first to make an attempt to talk to me after a fight, and all her friends are asking her why she's so dumb chasing after me trying to fix something that won't be fixed. Even Neil asks her the same thing. He tried comforting her telling her to fix things with me, now I'm sure he's kicking himself in the arse for having her reconcile with me. Now he's getting jealous about the entire situation. I'll type more later, gotta get back to work for the time being. Thanks again guys
Chris516 Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 The woman the OP is referring to, sounds like a 'player'.
gamman Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 It's hard, but try to take the emotion out of this and look at it logically. What exactly about this situation is appealing to you? This is a really unhealthy situation with a woman who seems to have some pretty unhealthy mental/emotional stuff going on -- and no, you can't help her or fix her. Run as far away from this as fast as you can and never talk to her again. This woman has the potential to cause you unmatched drama and pain if you let her. Good luck.
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