GF boring in bed...

[guitarborder23]

For most people, their sexual relationships are off the scale in the first year or so in their relationship and then it settles into what works and what is comfortable. It rarely "gets better" than what it is at the beginning - although there can be new experiments and some level of learning.

 

However, this isn't like most relationships. Most relationships aren't long distance where you see the person once a month for (at most) a two day weekend, and one of those days is Friday when she has worked a 9 hour shift, driven an hour, flown 2 hours, then driven another 1.5 hours.

 

We never had the opportunity to have an "off the scale" or even consistent sexual relationship because we've never been in the same place long enough for it to happen. There's only so much you can fit into a two day weekend when you also have grad school work and other stuff to do.

 

It isn't about giving it up, it is about the tremendous lack of communication as depicted by your statement here:

 

You don't know what she means and she doesn't elaborate. THIS is the crux of your problems, my friend. You are Skyping daily, but it does not seem like you are really communicating openly and honestly. She doesn't elaborate and you aren't prodding to determine what the problems are.

 

I mean I just assume that not everyone has to have deep dark sexual fantasies. Some people just like normal sex. I figured consistent "no"s and "not really"s just indicated that she doesn't really have any fantasies, and that's fine. She doesn't watch porn or anything, so she really only knows what she's learned through previous relationships...which is just "normal sex."

 

I don't think there's a tremendous lack of communication, I just think she doesn't really have any fantasies and is fine with normal sex.

Edited October 3, 2012 by guitarborder23

[todreaminblue]

Hey all,

 

I've been dating a girl for about 2 years long distance, so we only get to see each other around once a month (on weekends). When we do see each other, we typically only have sex once and we might do oral once or twice. The issue is that the sex is really, really mediocre at best. Because she hasn't had sex in about a month when we get together, it's always kind of painful for her and I have to go pretty slow so as not to hurt her. I always perform a significant amount of foreplay (15+ minutes), which helps, but because she's kind of soar, we almost always end up in missionary position or with her laying on her stomach on the bed and me on top of her because any other position is uncomfortable for her. She doesn't moan or really make any noise during sex, and she barely moves at all; it's basically just me on top thrusting until I orgasm. She doesn't cum vaginally, only through clitoral stimulation, so it feels like she's not enjoying it at all, even though she insists she is. I've tried lightly (and with lube) rubbing her clit while we have sex, hoping she'll get more enjoyment out of it, but she says it's "too much sensation" and she can't handle it and asks me to stop. When I suggest she rubs her own clit, or gets on top so she can control depth/speed/etc, she says it's too much sensation while I'm penetrating her and she won't do it. I tried to explain that her being in control (if she was on top) might alleviate some of the pain, but she doesn't have any interest at all in being on top. Our sex life basically consists of me warming her up, doing all the work during sex to get myself off during sex, then rubbing her clit or eating her out (after sex) until she orgasms. I feel like I'm just doing all the work, she's not really enjoying herself until the last part when I rub her clit to orgasm, and the whole situation is not much fun.

 

Even when I'm rubbing her clit to orgasm she basically doesn't make a sound until the actual moment of orgasm, which makes it hard for me to know what feels good to her. I've explained that I need her to tell me what feels good verbally or through body language, but she doesn't, and she just kind of shrugs and says "you're doing a good job, just keep doing what you're doing."

 

I've tried to get her more into our sex with roleplays and I've asked her numerous times if she has any fantasies and what she likes, but she usually just shruggs and says "not really." She has never once asked me what I like/want in bed. It's really frustrating because I can give her a lot of suggestions to make our sex life better (for both of us I think), but I want her to ask because I feel like I'll hurt her feelings if I just spit it all out. Moreover, I want her to be genuinely interested in what I like/want in bed, and I feel like she isn't.

 

All my partners in the past have been really aggressive and sexual and that's what I've come to expect/need. With the rare amount I get to see her, I want our sex to be outstanding when we have it. I feel like it's mediocre at best. I've talked to her a little bit about it, and suggested we talk dirty, watch porn together, or even that she use a vibrator before she comes to visit so sex doesn't hurt quite so much, but she doesn't do any of it. I'll start talking dirty to her in bed and she might say one thing back, but unless i actively keep it going, she'll basically just lay there.

 

I really love everything else about our relationship but having mediocre sex for years is starting to get to me, and I've recently noticed myself starting to look at other girls and wonder. I miss the sex life I used to have, and I know that if I could get some of that back with this girl, we could be really happy together in the long run.

 

I'm out of ideas and I could really use some help. Thanks.

 

 

For starters some girls dont scream like banshees.....when they are being stimulated.I think you need to speak to your girlfriend about it especially since you are thinking about sex with others.....you could change the pace.....if she isn't into porn or any of those other things you have suggested which might very well be the case if she is mediocre in bed as you put it...i don't know or understand how you qualify someone as mediocre...when a student is only as good as the teacher.....teach her....teacher......if you have experience let her benefit from your prowess....some students are harder than others to teach.....she might take a bit longer to coax into cross eyed ville.....

if she isnt a screamer you wouldn't want her to act that way would you......do something off the cuff.....something unexpected...if you live alone with her....romance her.....im female so my ideas wont suit you as a male......be the yoda in the bedroom....ok im stopping now.....have a naked yoda as an image.....smile get her to laugh....lol...think naked yoda....made me smile.....he is so .....green....green he is....youmust listen yes....to yoda.....go to the light..stay in the light..(sorry poltergesit reference) had to get rid of naked yoda image.....deb

[caligirl23]

I would think twice about moving in with her. It's normal to not want to have sex often, but that's only if both people feel that way. You might be lacking sexual chemistry.

 

 

I agree- moving in together will be disasterous. The fact that you feel this way and are not saying it directly to her meand that you are not opening up either. Tell her the truth. No need to be mean, but explaining that the sexual chemistry is not there is very important. What will you do when she is laying next to you every night and still acting like this? The prospect of cheating will then be really in your mind. Talk to her before you move in and tell her exactly what you are telling us

[caligirl23]

That rules out all women then.

 

Nonsense! I am a female and cannot get enough! My most recent partner is fine with sex once or twice a week. I need it once or twice a day. Talk about frustrating.

[SpiralOut]

I'm a woman so I probably know more about this than you. Plus other women have chimed in saying the same thing. It doesn't matter how long you have been without it, (unless of course you are a virgin) if she wants you sexually there will be no pain or if it is painful (as in a big penis) it will be pleasurable pain.

 

I agree. I get over the pain really fast if I am turned on by the guy.....

 

Well the OP seems to have made up his mind. Sometimes the only way to learn is by experience....

Edited October 4, 2012 by SpiralOut

[guitarborder23]

All, I've spoken with her a little bit about it and she simply disagrees that the pain could be a medical problem, and she just thinks it's because she's tired when she arrives on Friday nights after the long trip and that lack of activity is the culprit.

 

Accordingly, in an effort to get her to see a doctor, I'm going to start another thread in a few moments under a different screen name asking basically if it's normal for sexual inactivity to lead to discomfort and pain. Please respond to that thread with your opinions.

 

I'm obviously not going to show her this thread because it's ... a lot to take in all at once. One step at a time.

 

*edit* the new thread is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/350108-gf-has-pain-after-short-periods-sexual-inactivity#post4302592

Edited October 4, 2012 by guitarborder23

[guitarborder23]

Ok there was a little mishap with that thread but it has been fixed. Please post your comments there regarding whether it's typical to experience pain during sex after being sexually inactive for a month.

 

Hopefully it'll prompt my girlfriend to look into it more.

[Els]

Your posts are all about you suggesting that she do this or that. "Rub yourself, get on top, tell me what feels good, let's role play, tell me your fantasies, let's talk dirty, let's watch porn, why don't you use a vibrator." And you guys only see each other once a month! I'm ****ing exhausted just reading that. I applaud you for being patient and trying lots of things, but the near constant suggestions from you would not make me feel sexy. I'd feel a little pressured. Try a different approach. Ask her what she wants.

 

Unfortunately, I think he said he tried asking her and she just 'shrugged'. I'm not really sure what more he can do at this point. It would be an entirely different thing if she was trying to open up sexually, trying to experiment with him to see what works and doesn't work for her, suggesting things to him, taking a proactive role with her own sexuality. The OP's description seems like a pretty bleak prognosis - she isn't open to any suggestions, and can't offer any herself when asked.