EconChick Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 All POLITELY expressed opinions and suggestions are welcome. Basically, I'm 20 years old and a sophomore in college. I lost my virginity at 17 and have since slept with 12 men. It seemed like an easy way to feel desired and leave time for my demanding academic life. I have no regrets, but I realize that I no longer want to sleep around, but rather, get into a committed, meaningful relationship. I have become extremely good over the past three years at finding sexual partners with similar goals, but I have not been asked out on a date in about two years. My usual dress is little makeup, hair down or in a bun, and athletic wear. I'm not overly outgoing like your typical promiscuous girl either. I don't feel like guys would pin me as a promiscuous girl by sight, so how do I keep attracting the wrong guys instead of the more committed type? I joined the Economics Association and Tai Chi club at my university in hopes of meeting people. but I don't want to keep making the same mistakes (whatever they may be). What makes a guy look at a girl and go, "I want to ask her to dinner" or "She seems like a safe prospect; someone I'd like to get to know"? I just transferred to this university, so I know it isn't a reputation thing. Thanks, everyone
Kofybean Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 All POLITELY expressed opinions and suggestions are welcome. Basically, I'm 20 years old and a sophomore in college. I lost my virginity at 17 and have since slept with 12 men. It seemed like an easy way to feel desired and leave time for my demanding academic life. I have no regrets, but I realize that I no longer want to sleep around, but rather, get into a committed, meaningful relationship. I have become extremely good over the past three years at finding sexual partners with similar goals, but I have not been asked out on a date in about two years. My usual dress is little makeup, hair down or in a bun, and athletic wear. I'm not overly outgoing like your typical promiscuous girl either. I don't feel like guys would pin me as a promiscuous girl by sight, so how do I keep attracting the wrong guys instead of the more committed type? I joined the Economics Association and Tai Chi club at my university in hopes of meeting people. but I don't want to keep making the same mistakes (whatever they may be). What makes a guy look at a girl and go, "I want to ask her to dinner" or "She seems like a safe prospect; someone I'd like to get to know"? I just transferred to this university, so I know it isn't a reputation thing. Thanks, everyone Depends... two questions 1) Are you looking for a guy who used to sleep around a lot and now wants to settle down? Or are you looking for a guy who is naturally not prone to sleep around and has a relationship mindset? 2) What do you mean pin you by sight? What does a promiscuous girl look like?
FitChick Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Maybe guys think you are an insecure plain girl desperate for approval. When I was in college all the plain girls got laid. They seemed to be "easy." The guys seemed to work harder and respect the girls who were attractive and fashionably coiffed and made up. They wanted to be seen in public with attractive girls on their arm. Get a makeover. Not that you have to look like that all the time but see if you attract a different sort of man.
Author EconChick Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 Depends... two questions 1) Are you looking for a guy who used to sleep around a lot and now wants to settle down? Or are you looking for a guy who is naturally not prone to sleep around and has a relationship mindset? 2) What do you mean pin you by sight? What does a promiscuous girl look like? 1) A guy who is interested in a relationship, or at least casually dating but not for the purpose of sex. What he used to do or be like is irrelevant to me. 2) Those who dress in a way that suggests they want to be perceived as sexually available.
Kofybean Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 1) A guy who is interested in a relationship, or at least casually dating but not for the purpose of sex. What he used to do or be like is irrelevant to me. 2) Those who dress in a way that suggests they want to be perceived as sexually available. One more try... you aren't answering the question. 1. A relationship isn't like sex. With sex you are just looking for a penis to fill your vagina. A relationship requires a lot more work then the ease at which you can find a guy to sleep with you. So the first question is kinda important, if you don't know what you are looking for then you won't find it. 2. ok. That answers a lot. a. That's not exactly what guys judge a girl for promiscuity. b. Are you feeling guilty? Your post said you have no regrets, yet you imply that the reason you aren't getting asked out is cuz of your promiscuous aire? Who told you that? Why does that bug you? Why make that the subject matter? c. why do you assume the promiscuity is the reason men aren't asking you out? d. of course, back to the first question, if the sexually history is a problem, then find a guy with a similar background, but you didn't answer question one, so what you are looking for is still in the shadows to us.
Author EconChick Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 One more try... you aren't answering the question. 1. A relationship isn't like sex. With sex you are just looking for a penis to fill your vagina. A relationship requires a lot more work then the ease at which you can find a guy to sleep with you. So the first question is kinda important, if you don't know what you are looking for then you won't find it. 2. ok. That answers a lot. a. That's not exactly what guys judge a girl for promiscuity. b. Are you feeling guilty? Your post said you have no regrets, yet you imply that the reason you aren't getting asked out is cuz of your promiscuous aire? Who told you that? Why does that bug you? Why make that the subject matter? c. why do you assume the promiscuity is the reason men aren't asking you out? d. of course, back to the first question, if the sexually history is a problem, then find a guy with a similar background, but you didn't answer question one, so what you are looking for is still in the shadows to us. 1) I did answer the question. I said I do not care which type (naturally inclined to commit or otherwise). 2b,c) I am not feeling guilty at all. I don't think what I used to do was wrong, I just want something different now. Obviously, I do not know why I'm not being asked out, hence, posting in a forum. 2d) I'm not sure what part of "what he used to do or be like is irrelevant to me" you are having trouble with. It means his sexual history -assuming he has been tested and has no children- does not matter to me.
Imajerk17 Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 (edited) Well, there is a two-letter word in the English language called "no".... It has little to do w how you dress and more to do with what you agree to do on a first date. Edited October 3, 2012 by Imajerk17
Sanman Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 It is not what you like, but rather how you relate to men. All you have learned over the past three years is how to be attracted to, attract, and relate to men who just want to sleep with you. You need to learn how to attract, be attracted to, and relate to those men that are interested in relationships. A good start would be putting sex aside, getting to know yourself, and getting to know the guy for a while before moving onto sex. Formal dates in college not be as common, but finding a good guy means looking for character first and looking at sex second. I think there are good guys all around you, but you are not being open to them. 2
Kofybean Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 You are trying to tie not getting a relationship to what you look like. More specifically, you are dressing "non promiscuous" whatever that means. Which tells me you are putting on a mask. That's a bad start. A promiscuous boy is not likely to judge a promiscuous girl. Finding such a man who is equally as tired of that life style should be your aim. A boy who has never lived with meaningless sexual behavior would get seriously hurt . My last comment is that i question your emotional state. You do not appear to be a girl who empathizes. Thar is scary. Its very difficult to tell why you want a relationship. The way you present it seems like it is something of a challenge and nothing related to feelings. As if to say "Getting sex is easy. I want to play a different game" your desire for a relationship came from boredom of sex not a desire for love. I am suspecting your empathy, feelings, and motivation are holding you back. Women screen guys all the time for seriousness of commitment without realizing we do the same.
Author EconChick Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 You are trying to tie not getting a relationship to what you look like. More specifically, you are dressing "non promiscuous" whatever that means. Which tells me you are putting on a mask. That's a bad start. A promiscuous boy is not likely to judge a promiscuous girl. Finding such a man who is equally as tired of that life style should be your aim. A boy who has never lived with meaningless sexual behavior would get seriously hurt . My last comment is that i question your emotional state. You do not appear to be a girl who empathizes. Thar is scary. Its very difficult to tell why you want a relationship. The way you present it seems like it is something of a challenge and nothing related to feelings. As if to say "Getting sex is easy. I want to play a different game" your desire for a relationship came from boredom of sex not a desire for love. I am suspecting your empathy, feelings, and motivation are holding you back. Women screen guys all the time for seriousness of commitment without realizing we do the same. Those are some pretty serious judgments for talking to someone over the internet about one sliver of her life in 10 sentences or less. I would argue your severely cold, condescending answers would actually cause me to question your empathy.
jcrew11 Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 All POLITELY expressed opinions and suggestions are welcome. Basically, I'm 20 years old and a sophomore in college. I lost my virginity at 17 and have since slept with 12 men. It seemed like an easy way to feel desired and leave time for my demanding academic life. I have no regrets, but I realize that I no longer want to sleep around, but rather, get into a committed, meaningful relationship. I have become extremely good over the past three years at finding sexual partners with similar goals, but I have not been asked out on a date in about two years. My usual dress is little makeup, hair down or in a bun, and athletic wear. I'm not overly outgoing like your typical promiscuous girl either. I don't feel like guys would pin me as a promiscuous girl by sight, so how do I keep attracting the wrong guys instead of the more committed type? I joined the Economics Association and Tai Chi club at my university in hopes of meeting people. but I don't want to keep making the same mistakes (whatever they may be). What makes a guy look at a girl and go, "I want to ask her to dinner" or "She seems like a safe prospect; someone I'd like to get to know"? I just transferred to this university, so I know it isn't a reputation thing. Thanks, everyone This may or may not help but here are some things: First, College guys and girls are generally poor, so "traditional dating" like spending money on a fancy dinner or movie is usually not the first thing that comes to mind. Its usually about drinking cheap beer and hooking up on the weekends. So, a College girl has to be pro-active about finding male friends. Just be direct and friendly, and ask guys for their E-mail or Phone number, and try to spend time with them doing activities or hanging out. If you sense mutual attraction, just be clear you want to "keep it monogamous" so he doesn't get the idea that its just a no strings attached hookup. Now a lot of College guys don't have time or want to be in a relationship. So you can be a "monogamous girlfriend" but he might not be able to call you 24/7. But there are some guys that will be "monogamous" but you have to be direct in asking them.
quartz88 Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 To OP: It's probably a matter of identifying and changing your patterns. There must be qualities about these guys, and situations, that have attracted you in the past. A lot of times what persists becomes familiar and comfortable to us, even though in may not be the best thing in the long run. I'm guessing you'll have to step out of your comfort zone - this might mean paying more attention to guys who fall outside your typical "type" and might not be pursuing you heavily (shy, less experienced types). You also might try looking for connections in different social situations where you're apt to meet people with similar interests. Being hit on by these guys and going along with everything probably came pretty effortlessly to you (not a diss, I'm just saying you wouldn't have done it if it didn't feel comfortable at the time). Trying new methods of doing things and meeting people might feel difficult or like it takes "effort." Many, many years ago, I dated someone quite a bit younger who was in the middle of such a phase. When I asked them why they were incapable of saying "no," they explained it's not that they couldn't... it's that they didn't WANT to. So now that you've made up your mind to attract something different into your life, you know you want to say "no" to situations and people that don't match what you're looking for. As one of the posters above said, stick to your boundaries, and you'll attract people who respect them.
Kofybean Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Those are some pretty serious judgments for talking to someone over the internet about one sliver of her life in 10 sentences or less. I would argue your severely cold, condescending answers would actually cause me to question your empathy. Look. Im calling it like i see it. I have empathy. A 20yo college girl who can get laid at a drop of a hat but cant get a bf? There is no angle to make sense out if that other than your emotional state. You are obviously not ugly. And being in college means your available pool of suitors is endless. College sophomore guys would date a rock if it could speak. Either you arent telling us something or you have no ability to open your emotions to a guy. Or you want me to sugar coat it? Tell you no worries eventually someone will come? You want me to say the evil boys are just judging you on a sexual path they know nithing of?
Imported Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 1) 2) Those who dress in a way that suggests they want to be perceived as sexually available. Sluts are not always only obvious from how they dress. Behaviour usually gives them away though.
s1421 Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 You have to think hard about the type of guy you want. Every person has to try to be the person they want to be with. If you want a guy that is respectful and serious about dating, then you have to make sure you're ready and willing to change that about yourself. You're going in the right direction by choosing not to be promiscuous anymore but how did you find these guys in the first place? Were you quick to jump to sex just as much as them? I also agree with another poster about a makeover. A guy may take you more seriously initially.
Balzac Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Not to pin you down too much but campus cultures are quite variable. Big10 versus Ivy for example. Manner of dress on urban campus can be very fashionable, pricey heels n boots the expected basics. It's difficult to afvise you absent some basis. Economics major? Those grad students are heavily math oriented but you may be as well.
Author EconChick Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 Look. Im calling it like i see it. I have empathy. A 20yo college girl who can get laid at a drop of a hat but cant get a bf? There is no angle to make sense out if that other than your emotional state. You are obviously not ugly. And being in college means your available pool of suitors is endless. College sophomore guys would date a rock if it could speak. Either you arent telling us something or you have no ability to open your emotions to a guy. Or you want me to sugar coat it? Tell you no worries eventually someone will come? You want me to say the evil boys are just judging you on a sexual path they know nithing of? It isn't that I "can't" get a boyfriend. I am just starting this little adventure, and asking people for advice in the transitional period. My emotional state is quite a pleasant one, and an open one, even if your amateur psychological analysis tells you otherwise.
Author EconChick Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 Not to pin you down too much but campus cultures are quite variable. Big10 versus Ivy for example. Manner of dress on urban campus can be very fashionable, pricey heels n boots the expected basics. It's difficult to afvise you absent some basis. Economics major? Those grad students are heavily math oriented but you may be as well. Good point. I am an economics major at Purdue, if that gives you a better idea of the people I'm surrounded by.
Balzac Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 How is the Greek cultural influence on your campus? That can be. Limiting Factor.
Author EconChick Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 Greek life here is extremely pretentious, and I disagree with the basis of it. Excluding people for the sake of excluding people is not what I stand for. :/
Balzac Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 BoilerUp! Plenty of men, not a sophisticated campus, tons of farm boys. Not a big dating scene. Bruno's Pizza date I suppose. Fertile hunting ground. Low maintenance on wardrobe. Big grad student presence so that works to your advantage. I have knowledge of PU but spent my time on urban campuses. What's your impression thus far?
Author EconChick Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 BoilerUp! Plenty of men, not a sophisticated campus, tons of farm boys. Not a big dating scene. Bruno's Pizza date I suppose. Fertile hunting ground. Low maintenance on wardrobe. Big grad student presence so that works to your advantage. I have knowledge of PU but spent my time on urban campuses. What's your impression thus far? It is pretty pretentious. Sweatpants are not acceptable, but jeans are. You are right about the dating scene, it is not big. The people here are quiet, nerdy, most are nice, but some are snobby. Lots of money floating around ($30k a year for out of state students) and those who have parents with money definitely let you know.
Balzac Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Greek life here is extremely pretentious, and I disagree with the basis of it. Excluding people for the sake of excluding people is not what I stand for. :/ Ok so you eliminate the Greeks. Most at PU party in off campus apts. Few campus area bars but Harry's so that's what it is. It's the perfect campus for easy BF hunt. Very traditional and as you have discovered a goodly presence of foreign students. Are you a transplant or Midwestern girl?
Author EconChick Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 Ok so you eliminate the Greeks. Most at PU party in off campus apts. Few campus area bars but Harry's so that's what it is. It's the perfect campus for easy BF hunt. Very traditional and as you have discovered a goodly presence of foreign students. Are you a transplant or Midwestern girl? I'm from a big city out of state, so not a midwestern gal. When I'm home, I frequent the opera, art museums, and hookah lounges
Balzac Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 It is pretty pretentious. Sweatpants are not acceptable, but jeans are. You are right about the dating scene, it is not big. The people here are quiet, nerdy, most are nice, but some are snobby. Lots of money floating around ($30k a year for out of state students) and those who have parents with money definitely let you know. What you may not have realized is that a high percentage of OOS students get deep discount to sticker price as they are discounted in to boost the stat pool. Yes, some have cash but the vast majority are not wealthy. Even at sticker price PU is lower cost than the vast majority of privates.
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