Sefarad Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 (edited) Hi everyone! My name is Karen and I'm a 25 year old female and I really need your advice! I'd really appreciate any insight of yours, I'm very confussed right now. Please read and give me your honest opinion: I broke up with a guy 2 months ago (he's 25 aswell), we were in a LDR for 11 months. We met tru facebook, we hit it off since the start. He at the moment we ''met'' was still living in Iraq. He worked for The US army as a translator, so he was sure he'd get a visa and would move to the states in 3 months or so. He said he'd go to San Antonio... I was like... omg this has to be a sign!! He made a lot promises... about the future, us being together in San Antonio; together ''forever'' living happily ever after and so on... We thought this wait would be really short, that this wouldn't be a LDR for too long. The 3 months passed and no visa, 8 months had to pass until his visa finally arrived + extra 1 month to get to the states. I was like ok, I can wait! Because in my mind and my heart I really believed he was worth the wait. His whole family is shia muslim, when we just started the LDR he told me they'd not have any problem with us being together. Some months prior to his trip to the states he told me there was NO WAY his close relatives like his mom, dad and oldest brother should ever find out I existed; the relationship had to be a secret!! We could live in San Antonio together but no one of his family should know about it. I felt like dying when he told me that... until now brings tears to my eyes when I remember it. I was devastated... my friends and family adviced me to stop talking to him, but I was too much into the relationship back then; I didn't listen to them. He then got to the states, he arrived to michigan. I thought this was the start of a new happy life together, how wrong I was... He said he'd stay in michigan with his oldest brother & wife for a few weeks until he could get his driver's liscense, green card, etc. First month there, I asked him when he'd get to San Antonio. He then told me he was going to stay in Michigan because his whole family in the states were going to move there (even the ones living in san antonio) I was speechless, even more at his behaviour... he told me ''if you want to be with me, you've to find a way to get here, but my family can never know about us, because you and I aren't married and according to islamic law that is wrong and my relatives will get mad.'' I was shocked... all this waiting for this?! After asking him the real reason for me to hide... he told me ''It's because dating isn't allowed in our religion, we are not married and marriage between me and you will never be possible because even if you convert you are not iraqi like me and my family cares about that, not me tho'' After a lot thinking I decided to do what anyone else in my position would do and would have done a long time ago... I broke up with him. I called him so many times during that day, but he didn't get the phone. I sent him a facebook message (no bad words) letting him know I couldn't continue with him. He didn't reply said facebook message...I was doing great... I had almost got over all that... until 2 weeks ago he contacted me tru facebook again. He was apologizing, saying sorry... you name it. I'm a very sensitive (or fool whatever you like to name it) person so I replied him and called him because I didn't want bad feelings between us. He said he loved me and hinted he wanted me back... I then asked him 2 days ago what his plans were, if he'd like to meet, etc. He told me something really strange... told me he had no time or money to come over here and was afraid about the violence over here, high criminal rate,etc. He was acting like it was impossible to meet! He's in michigan and I'm in texas... isn't like we lived in different continents! I was like... then what do you want?? He then said he had to go and I hang up. I was angry... and very confussed... I can't stop to feel so stupid for getting dragged along in this situation once again... This question might sound so obvious for some, but...what do you think I should do about this guy?? I've a lot mixed feelings for this guy... I know he's confussed and fairly new to the US, but...I think that if he really wanted to be with me... he'd fight for me. I'm thinking of calling him and telling him it's over (again) and that we can't be friends either... delete him from facebook (again) and hopely work on getting over this again. I don't like the idea of hurting him tho... I'm a very sensitive person and I feel guilty every time I think about doing this, but this whole situaton is a burden for me. It hurts me... I feel like such a fool. Edited October 3, 2012 by Sefarad
justwhoiam Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 You already have the answers. Don't call him, leave him alone. If he gets in touch with you once more, just tell him you're not willing to invest in something that has no future. 2
amayana Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Hi Karen, I agree with justwhoiam... All of the things you mentioned in your post are the answer to your question. This man obviously has no respect for your feelings or you as a person. He seems pretty selfish and the simple fact he contacted you again after all that had happened, claiming he loved you but then saying he didn't want to/could come to Texas to see you.. er wait a minute. That doesn't sound right, does it? Actions speak louder than words. If he genuinely cared, he'd do anything to meet up with you instead of inventing lame excuses. His religion might be a real issue in this too but why would you go through so much pain to be with someone that you don't even really know? Who can say if he's being sincere or just pretending to be someone he's not? You're much better off without him, trust me. I suggest you block him on FB so he won't be able to contact you ever again. Ignore him, move on and keep living your life. Resist temptation to contact him. Don't be friends because there is no point. I'm sorry this happened to you but I hope you'll be able to learn from it. 2
Chris516 Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 (edited) The OP's situation is not uncommon, for Sharia law. Several years ago, this happened in Iran: LiveLeak.com - 16 Year Old Girl Executed in Iran The guy she is involved with, has good reason to fear his family finding out about their relationship. The girl that was executed in the story at the link, was basically executed for being raped. Edited October 4, 2012 by Chris516 1
amayana Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 The OP's situation is not uncommon, for Sharia law. Several years ago, this happened in Iran: LiveLeak.com - 16 Year Old Girl Executed in Iran The guy she is involved with, has good reason to fear his family finding out about their relationship. The girl that was executed in the story at the link, was basically executed for being raped. Which, sadly, makes him stand in an even worse light. Why won't he let her go then & let her get on with her life, knowing that a relationship between them is impossible, maybe even dangerous or life-threatening? Why contact her again? Why be so very selfish about it? But who knows what's going in his head. I'm not here to judge someone I don't know. 2
FitChick Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 His family probably has a wife picked out for him. I wouldn't worry about hurting his feelings. It sounds like he doesn't have any. 2
Author Sefarad Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 Hi Karen, I agree with justwhoiam... All of the things you mentioned in your post are the answer to your question. This man obviously has no respect for your feelings or you as a person. He seems pretty selfish and the simple fact he contacted you again after all that had happened, claiming he loved you but then saying he didn't want to/could come to Texas to see you.. er wait a minute. That doesn't sound right, does it? Actions speak louder than words. If he genuinely cared, he'd do anything to meet up with you instead of inventing lame excuses. His religion might be a real issue in this too but why would you go through so much pain to be with someone that you don't even really know? Who can say if he's being sincere or just pretending to be someone he's not? You're much better off without him, trust me. I suggest you block him on FB so he won't be able to contact you ever again. Ignore him, move on and keep living your life. Resist temptation to contact him. Don't be friends because there is no point. I'm sorry this happened to you but I hope you'll be able to learn from it. Thank you very much for your reply, you sound like a very sweet and considerate person I know how it sounds... it's just I was allright until he contacted me, had got over him already. If he hadn't contacted me I swear to G-d I'd have never contacted him, wish I had blocked him on facebook before this ever happened. I waited a full year living on false hopes and lies. Ah... I was naive enough to fall for his lame excuses and apologies... I did what I did with the best of my intentions. I was feeling so terrible yesterday... thankfully I had a very enlightening conversation with a good friend of mine who helped me to see this whole issue in a more objective and logical way. *SIGH* Wish I wasn't as sensitive as I am. I'll do what you and everyone else has told me so far... Thank you very much!
Author Sefarad Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 His family probably has a wife picked out for him. I wouldn't worry about hurting his feelings. It sounds like he doesn't have any. That was my same thought, I think he wanted to have me as his mistress in the near future. Of course I could never do such a stupid thing His ego must be so huge for even thinking something like that!
Author Sefarad Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 The OP's situation is not uncommon, for Sharia law. Several years ago, this happened in Iran: LiveLeak.com - 16 Year Old Girl Executed in Iran The guy she is involved with, has good reason to fear his family finding out about their relationship. The girl that was executed in the story at the link, was basically executed for being raped. Hi Chris! Yeah, I had heard about that cases, I'm not so well informed about the shia muslims. I'm more familiar with the sunni ones. For some reason shia muslims in general really scared me since I watched the movie ''not without my daugther'' when I was a child. This family was supposed to be so open minded... he lied since the start.
Author Sefarad Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 You already have the answers. Don't call him, leave him alone. If he gets in touch with you once more, just tell him you're not willing to invest in something that has no future. Sadly he's the one who won't let me alone I'll do as everyone has suggested me. Thank you for taking the time to reply this. 1
amayana Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Thank you very much for your reply, you sound like a very sweet and considerate person I know how it sounds... it's just I was allright until he contacted me, had got over him already. If he hadn't contacted me I swear to G-d I'd have never contacted him, wish I had blocked him on facebook before this ever happened. I waited a full year living on false hopes and lies. Ah... I was naive enough to fall for his lame excuses and apologies... I did what I did with the best of my intentions. I was feeling so terrible yesterday... thankfully I had a very enlightening conversation with a good friend of mine who helped me to see this whole issue in a more objective and logical way. *SIGH* Wish I wasn't as sensitive as I am. I'll do what you and everyone else has told me so far... Thank you very much! You're very welcome. Well, I care about people, whether I know them or not Thank you for your kind words. Don't feel bad for having fallen for him. It happens to the best of us and sometimes we don't want to see what seems obvious. I sincerely hope you're feeling better and I'm glad to hear that you have good & sensible friends you can lean on. 1
stillafool Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Yes please leave him alone. Tell him not to contact you again the next time he calls. Tell him if he doesn't stop contacting you you will find a way to tell his parents. Honey, this guy can bring you nothing but pain. What future do you have with him? NONE. He has already told you he cannot marry you so why put your heart on the table for him to break it. You should be dating someone who is as free to love as you are. Life is short, don't waste it. 2
Author Sefarad Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 Yes please leave him alone. Tell him not to contact you again the next time he calls. Tell him if he doesn't stop contacting you you will find a way to tell his parents. Honey, this guy can bring you nothing but pain. What future do you have with him? NONE. He has already told you he cannot marry you so why put your heart on the table for him to break it. You should be dating someone who is as free to love as you are. Life is short, don't waste it. Yes, thank you very much for your advice It's been really tough for me ever since he contacted me. You're right... he probabily just wants to have fun... have me on the side. I know for most of you this looks like a problem with a very obvious solution, it was for me too, but it does really help to hear the objective opinion of other people as well (I'm not saying family or friends opinions are not taken into consideration as much as yours, but theirs tend to be more on the subjective side) I trust your objectivity guys <3 You're right, no future with that guy... not to mention everytime I think of him makes me sad So he's better off my life... we can't be friends either, I just confirmed that recently. Not to mention he really got pissed off everytime he found out I talked about our ''relationship'' with someone of my family. I'll be better off without him, I just needed a little push
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