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Posted

I know I am doing badly as I still keep the ongoing A with MM since we started from the end of May. We tried to break off in August but of course it did not work out. Just as I thought I accepted to be his OW so we did enjoy our time together since then, today something triggers me so I expressed that I felt bad about myself being such position in his life, and of course he's saying he can not leave marriage right now, probably should address the issue of his marriage to see where it is heading for....etc etc. And also he said our weekly meet up seems not being the long term thing, as he sees that it does not bring me happiness, which means he thinks we probably should stop for both of our sakes. He does not want to mess up my life anymore.

 

I agree at certain point and I know he is right. Stop seeing each other is doing good for myself....but it is so hard on me.

 

You guys will respond for sure I will end it when enough is enough for me. I so want myself to be happy, but losing him is painful for me as well.:(

Posted

I can just see you both, shakily clutching your zimmer frames while he promises to review his married status.....:rolleyes:

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Posted

Not mad at your sarcastic, I am hoping I have the strength now to end it completely, since he feels the same way as well. Ending is good for both of us.

 

I can just see you both, shakily clutching your zimmer frames while he promises to review his married status.....:rolleyes:
Posted

I'm sorry, I know how badly it hurts when they're willing to let you walk away. Let that guide you. If he's willing to let go, there is no reason to stay.

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Posted

I totally agree...it is much better than he stringes me along telling me what I want to hear.

 

Look at postive side, it could be true that it is doing both of us sake. HOWEVER, I am hoping he is not playing push/pull game - that would be getting too old for that.

 

 

 

I'm sorry, I know how badly it hurts when they're willing to let you walk away. Let that guide you. If he's willing to let go, there is no reason to stay.
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Posted (edited)

Not at all. Again, I have to think from postive side, walk away now is better than later on being more messy situation.

 

Some of you may say, just wait, the MM and myself will get back again, BUT I AM HOPING NOT. And also I am up to those push/pull games either.

 

I just hate myself why so weak :(

 

There is no way around the pain Mount, you have no choice but to walk through it.

 

Sounds trite but it won't last forever and it won't kill you.......I promise.

Edited by Mount
Posted

Stop being afraid of the actual final pain of it ending.

 

This is what's holding you back, fear of never seeing or hearing from him again. It being 'final.'

 

The thing is, you're in pain now! Worse kind of pain because this situation is doing damage to you.

 

Focus on your reasons on why it's better that it ends.

 

It'll hurt and it will hurt for a while but as time goes on you will feel better.

Posted
Not at all. Again, I have to think from postive side, walk away now is better than later on being more messy situation.

 

Some of you may say, just wait, the MM and myself will get back again, BUT I AM HOPING NOT. And also I am up to those push/pull games either.

 

I just hate myself why so weak :(

 

It isn't weakness, it's fear of the unknown.

 

Your only choice is to walk away because he doesn't want to get married and he cannot handle both the affair and his marriage.

 

Somehow in the midst of this, you need to find your ego and pride. Throw some anger in there (directed at him, but mostly at yourself) to keep you on the straight and narrow.

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Posted

Hockyfan and WWI, I have nothing to say more, BECAUSE what you are saying is yes, yes and yes, so correct.

 

Guess what~~ today I observe that he is not that loving MM anymore, he is SO COLD.....guess I need to do what I should do.

 

Hope something or someone can hold me up, keep me being strong.

 

Mount, he doesn't give a poop if you are hurting...if he did, he wouldn't have even started an affair with you. His 'excuse' of needing to work on his marriage is just bull..he knows you are tired of being the OW and want more..and he isn't going to give you more, hence the comments of stopping so as to not mess up with your life anymore. :rolleyes: He only cares about HIM and HIS needs, not yours.

 

I do hope you get to the point where enough is enough..and YOU pull the trigger. He'll let you hang on for as long as you are needed and accepting of the "OW" status. Once you start bothering him about getting a divorce or separating, he will find a sudden need to focus on his marriage.

 

Do what is best for MOUNT, not for him. He isn't looking out for you.

 

Good luck.

  • Author
Posted

Interestingly, today during our "talking", as the MM said we probably should not see each other for our both sakes, he asked me if I am angry. Actually I was not angry, but in sad emotion.

 

Why he asked if I am angry?

 

It isn't weakness, it's fear of the unknown.

 

Your only choice is to walk away because he doesn't want to get married and he cannot handle both the affair and his marriage.

 

Somehow in the midst of this, you need to find your ego and pride. Throw some anger in there (directed at him, but mostly at yourself) to keep you on the straight and narrow.

Posted

I have no idea. Maybe he doesn't want you angry at him. Maybe he feels it's just a sad situation all around because the love is there but he can't and will not divorce his wife to be with you. He's made his choice and he doesn't want you angry at him or hating him.

 

The thing is, grieving is a process so that anger WILL come out eventually!

 

Time to stop focussing on the why's and how's of all this and what he may think or feel and focus on YOU and the best way get through this with support from family, friends and LS folks.

 

Mount, you can do this. You have to do this!!

 

Here's what I think.. Once you truly let go and accept that it's over, it won't take half as long for you to feel better..The antisiptation (spelling) of it all is much worse than the actual act of ending it.

 

It's been over for a long time...You know this and he knows this and you two have clung to one another, both addicted and scared to let go. He somehow has realized he HAS to do this, let go and end it, never see or speak to you again. Follow that lead and just take the reins, make yourself let go...

Posted
I know I am doing badly as I still keep the ongoing A with MM since we started from the end of May. We tried to break off in August but of course it did not work out. Just as I thought I accepted to be his OW so we did enjoy our time together since then, today something triggers me so I expressed that I felt bad about myself being such position in his life, and of course he's saying he can not leave marriage right now, probably should address the issue of his marriage to see where it is heading for....etc etc. And also he said our weekly meet up seems not being the long term thing, as he sees that it does not bring me happiness, which means he thinks we probably should stop for both of our sakes. He does not want to mess up my life anymore.

 

I agree at certain point and I know he is right. Stop seeing each other is doing good for myself....but it is so hard on me.

 

You guys will respond for sure I will end it when enough is enough for me. I so want myself to be happy, but losing him is painful for me as well.:(

 

The longer you wait, the more it will hurt. You're making it worse for yourself. Be strong.

  • Author
Posted

The MM did say that we really need to get away from each other for a while, otherwise trying to end by our own does not work well.

 

I have no idea. Maybe he doesn't want you angry at him. Maybe he feels it's just a sad situation all around because the love is there but he can't and will not divorce his wife to be with you. He's made his choice and he doesn't want you angry at him or hating him.

 

The thing is, grieving is a process so that anger WILL come out eventually!

 

Time to stop focussing on the why's and how's of all this and what he may think or feel and focus on YOU and the best way get through this with support from family, friends and LS folks.

 

Mount, you can do this. You have to do this!!

 

Here's what I think.. Once you truly let go and accept that it's over, it won't take half as long for you to feel better..The antisiptation (spelling) of it all is much worse than the actual act of ending it.

 

It's been over for a long time...You know this and he knows this and you two have clung to one another, both addicted and scared to let go. He somehow has realized he HAS to do this, let go and end it, never see or speak to you again. Follow that lead and just take the reins, make yourself let go...

Posted
The longer you wait, the more it will hurt. You're making it worse for yourself. Be strong.

 

I agree. You're just adding to future pain the longer you keep things going.

 

You might not be ready now, but be certain it will have to end and prepare for it.

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Posted

I think my angry is surfacing now....:mad::mad::mad: while I am angry at him I am crying at home

Posted

not to be rude, but how many more threads are you gonna post about the "same ol' thing?"

 

actions, Mount! stop posting, and start acting!

 

i'm out.

  • Like 1
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Posted

I knew that, but choosing breaking off the A, for me is like, walking on the knife. That is why I by natually tried to avoid. Guess it is the time to take the walk anyway.:(

 

not to be rude, but how many more threads are you gonna post about the "same ol' thing?"

 

actions, Mount! stop posting, and start acting!

 

i'm out.

Posted
not to be rude, but how many more threads are you gonna post about the "same ol' thing?"

 

actions, Mount! stop posting, and start acting!

 

i'm out.

 

 

Artie is right.

 

The advice you've got here has never waivered, never changed. It's been steadfast, continuous, and consistent.

 

Here's the thing. You need to stop looking at this as a "process". It's not.

 

It's a single moment decision. An instant of pain in which you finally decide that you're DONE.

 

Everything after that is simply implementing that choice.

 

View it like that, you'll be amazed at how easy it all becomes.

  • Like 1
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Posted

OWL, very good point of view.

 

Based on your point, does the method apply to the MM making decision as well?

 

Artie is right.

 

The advice you've got here has never waivered, never changed. It's been steadfast, continuous, and consistent.

 

Here's the thing. You need to stop looking at this as a "process". It's not.

 

It's a single moment decision. An instant of pain in which you finally decide that you're DONE.

 

Everything after that is simply implementing that choice.

 

View it like that, you'll be amazed at how easy it all becomes.

Posted
OWL, very good point of view.

 

Based on your point, does the method apply to the MM making decision as well?

Deciding on changing your behaviour and improving your future isn't dependent on the MM applying this method to make a decision as well.

 

The one and only person you really should focus on, is you, and you alone.

 

There comes a time when you have to shed the extra baggage - even if that baggage is your "partner in crime". Like a balloonist jetissoning the sandbags that give balance, after a while, they become a liability.

If you want to soar - shift the excess weight.

  • Like 3
Posted

Mount, "Why he asked if I am angry?"

 

 

If I were to guess, I'd say, he's doing he's wondering if you may become angry enough to expose the A.

 

I understand what you are going through, having ended my A is May.

 

I tried to end it prior to ending it May. I got the let's be friends conversation. It was always him, not taking me serious. If you can stick to your guns, it will be to your benefit.

 

In more ways than one. Obviously, he' will respect you more and your words will be conducive with actions.

 

Then there is the backsliding, it just puts you through the emotional roller coaster again. Some days your mind will put the rest of you through alot of emotions, you are responsible for how that transpires.

 

You can choose to let it control you or you can stand up to it with logical thinking and deciding that you are worth more.

  • Like 1
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Posted

Right, I was thinking the same thing, it would never be about me, always thinking about himself.:mad:

 

Mount, "Why he asked if I am angry?"

 

 

If I were to guess, I'd say, he's doing he's wondering if you may become angry enough to expose the A.

 

I understand what you are going through, having ended my A is May.

 

I tried to end it prior to ending it May. I got the let's be friends conversation. It was always him, not taking me serious. If you can stick to your guns, it will be to your benefit.

 

In more ways than one. Obviously, he' will respect you more and your words will be conducive with actions.

 

Then there is the backsliding, it just puts you through the emotional roller coaster again. Some days your mind will put the rest of you through alot of emotions, you are responsible for how that transpires.

 

You can choose to let it control you or you can stand up to it with logical thinking and deciding that you are worth more.

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Posted

I am very angry right now, what I shall I do to eliminate the angry emotion.

 

I want the MM hurt, feeling bad....etc

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Posted

Go for what? I don't understand your answer.

 

What I meant is that I don't like the fact that I am feeling hurt, angry whilst the MM probably is not, so I want the MM feeling very bad as well, although it is just my one-side wish.

 

Go for it! What will it change? Will it change the fact you continue to be involved? :confused:
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Posted

LFH - Being vindictive person is not good, I know that.

 

If you think this way, the fact is that, those MMs are "saying" they love you, or whatever, but in fact what they are doing is the opposite. Their sweet talking is only to get what they want, although the OWs allow them doing so.

 

Net, the question is that, how geniune the "love", the love from OW is probably more true than the love from the MM.

 

Would him hurting stop you from hurting or change the fact that you are hurting in any way?

If so, why would you want to become a vengeful and vindictive person? Isn't there enough of that in the world?

I don't understand how someone can profess to love someone and then want them to hurt. It makes no sense to me.

What would you gain by him hurting?

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