joshemtff Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 So I started dating this girl about 3 months ago. She is a very kind, sweet, honest, and loving person and I really love her personality traits. We share many things in common and get along very well with each other. Lately I have just been feeling like something is missing or not right. I am attracted to her, but I am not sure if I am very attracted to her or not. Its really hard to explain how I feel, but when we start to kiss and be playful I do enjoy it and usually get turned on. My main problem is that she has never had sex, and I have. She just turned 20 and I am 21. I am definately not a man whore type of guy that has been with a lot of women, and I really do care for her trememendously and I would never hurt or use her. I know she wants to have sex with me and she tells me how attracted she is to me all the time, but I don't want to do that until I can get this weird feeling figuered out and make sure it is right. I know that girls tend to become very attached with their "first", and I want to make sure that I dont screw up and hurt her, and that I am preparred to stay with her after. I am the type of guy who honestly just wants to find someone special and stay with that person, but sometimes trust and commitment are difficult for me. Sometimes I find myself questioning wether or not this is the right relationship for me, or whether or not I would be happier with someone else when I begin to think in about long term dating. I have struggled with depression in the past and it causes me to be in a dull, unhappy, unmotivated mood. I have been feeling those feelings again recently and I dont have a reason that I can think of for feeling this way. I'm not sure if my depression is causing these weird feelings, or if something is just missing in our relationship. I want to figure it out so I can take the proper steps forward. I have so much to appreciate about her and she is such a great person and I just dont know why I am feeling uneasy or afraid to move forward. Maybe its because she has the cutest smile and is such a great girl that I never want to hurt. Also, I dont want to hurt her and end up never having her as a friend or anything in my life. I understand that breakups can be hard, but if we did break up and could not be friends, that would really crush me too. But, I think I would be sad if we broke up and stopped dating, so I am just so confused emotionally. I am lost on what to do, but I would appreciate any constructive advice on what to do, or if anybody feels they know what is wrong please offer your help.
chocolatecupcake Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 (edited) Hi there, So, You already recognize the fact that you have trust and commitment issues with people, you know that about yourself. Im the same way, and I also deal with depression and over-thinking things as you seem to do. If you have a feeling that fear is going to come out of doing something thats going to make this great girl attached to you and you wont possibly be ready for something like that thats going to be a burden on you and worsen your depression, what i would do, first 0f all, is quit looking that far ahead and just continue to take things one day at a time without the sex. thats right, dont think too much about it but just how much fun you have with her and what a great person she is (she seems like a total sweetheart, i wouldnt want to spoil anything either!). Eventually, YES, DISCUSS the thing about sex with her after some time and dont bottle in any feelings (THE WORST SOLUTION, especially for us who suffer from depression) and LET HER KNOW about your issues without saying something like "Im feeling strange about having sex because I dont know if youre going to turn out to be the right one" or something awkward and uncomfortable like that. Just let her know that it takes time for you to open up to people and that taking things slowly and at a steady pace is what youd like to do for the time being and tell her that you would appreciate it if she gave you time to think about sex and continue to hold off on it until you figure out your stuff. I think shell really respect that, you being so straight forward and allowing her to really get a feel for the kind of guy that you are. Itll show her that you actually really care about the two of you and that its not just some silly thing to you. As always, my advice comes straight from the heart. xoxo Relax. ~~Enjoy her company and when the time is right, let it out. Dont be afraid. Trust me, once your feelings are out, youll feel so much better. --Chocolatecupcake Edited October 2, 2012 by chocolatecupcake 2
River Rain Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Firstly, not all girls get "hung up" on their first. So I wouldn't use that as a consideration. My first wasn't all that memorable to be honest. Also, being someone who suffers depression, let me tell you, it could be that. You sound like you have every reason to love this girl, or be attracted to her. She sounds very special. But if you stay with her out of fear of hurting her, then you will feel less and less interested in her and you will end up hurting her anyway. Maybe you're just afraid of getting close to her? Afraid to feel vulnerable?
Author joshemtff Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 Well I guess my biggest fear is if I she becomes very attached to me and I end up not feeling the same way, or as strong as she does. She has told me she wants to have sex, and wants to set a date for the first time. She cares about me very much, and I care about her too. I'm just so worried about making the wrong decision. I know that not all girls get attached to their first, but she has already become attached to me and I am having difficulty becoming more attached to her. I feel like I am so picky and selective when it comes to people I want to date, and I almost feel like I am chasing after someone who does not exist. I just want to find happiness with the awesome person I have now but for whatever reason, I am struggling. I really enjoy just hanging out with her and we have done lots of physical stuff other than sex but when getting physically involved I become unsure or worried. I will definitely take you advice and take things slower physically and try to focus more on our emotional relationship. I just know that I like that part though and its the physical part that hangs me up. its hard for me to bot plan for the future with someone because i sont want to waste time with someone I don't see in my future so I worry lot about it. Like I said, she is a great person and she deserves to be with someone who is also really great and right now that man is not me. I have taken antidepressants in the past and I am considering going back on them. Any advice on that?
River Rain Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Well, I was on anti-d's for 7 years, all they did was make me fat and give me headaches. They didn't work for me, but that's not to say they wouldn't for you. I take a natural approach, exercise, yoga, meditation, good diet and supplements. I also have anxiety, so I manage that as well. I did 9 years of therapy, but now I take walks, write things out or simply post stuff online for opinions and suggestions. I think if you're already having doubts about the physical, maybe it's because she's innocently putting pressure on you. I say it that way because you said she set a date (or wants to) for the sex. There shouldn't be any date-setting, in my view, it should be natural and passionate, where both of you is really into it and wants each other in a loving and sexual way. She probably is just doing this to prepare herself too, but maybe her ideas are too...fixed? Like she has this fantasy about how her first time will be. What do you think about that? And if she's already getting "attached" to you, it's because she has strong feelings for you, and in my books, that's not a bad thing. Love is good. But honestly, if you have doubts, don't be unkind and lead her on, it's not fair. I'm not judging you, but I was lead on by my ex and the pain I felt when he dumped me was unreal. I didn't deserve it. 1
Taramere Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 It sounds as though you're too focused on some future break up to enjoy the moment. Realistically, although some people settle down forever with the people they meet at 20/21, many others don't....so statistically there's a good chance things won't work out longer term. Most people do get hurt at some point in their life - whether or not they're nice, kind etc. It's just the nature of life. She's young enough to recover relatively easily if it doesn't work out. If she's a nice, kind person then this probably reflects in her support network and family background. Focus on just enjoying the moment, and that moment is far more likely to become a good, happy long term memory for both of you...however things work out between you.
todreaminblue Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 So I started dating this girl about 3 months ago. She is a very kind, sweet, honest, and loving person and I really love her personality traits. We share many things in common and get along very well with each other. Lately I have just been feeling like something is missing or not right. I am attracted to her, but I am not sure if I am very attracted to her or not. Its really hard to explain how I feel, but when we start to kiss and be playful I do enjoy it and usually get turned on. My main problem is that she has never had sex, and I have. She just turned 20 and I am 21. I am definately not a man whore type of guy that has been with a lot of women, and I really do care for her trememendously and I would never hurt or use her. I know she wants to have sex with me and she tells me how attracted she is to me all the time, but I don't want to do that until I can get this weird feeling figuered out and make sure it is right. I know that girls tend to become very attached with their "first", and I want to make sure that I dont screw up and hurt her, and that I am preparred to stay with her after. I am the type of guy who honestly just wants to find someone special and stay with that person, but sometimes trust and commitment are difficult for me. Sometimes I find myself questioning wether or not this is the right relationship for me, or whether or not I would be happier with someone else when I begin to think in about long term dating. I have struggled with depression in the past and it causes me to be in a dull, unhappy, unmotivated mood. I have been feeling those feelings again recently and I dont have a reason that I can think of for feeling this way. I'm not sure if my depression is causing these weird feelings, or if something is just missing in our relationship. I want to figure it out so I can take the proper steps forward. I have so much to appreciate about her and she is such a great person and I just dont know why I am feeling uneasy or afraid to move forward. Maybe its because she has the cutest smile and is such a great girl that I never want to hurt. Also, I dont want to hurt her and end up never having her as a friend or anything in my life. I understand that breakups can be hard, but if we did break up and could not be friends, that would really crush me too. But, I think I would be sad if we broke up and stopped dating, so I am just so confused emotionally. I am lost on what to do, but I would appreciate any constructive advice on what to do, or if anybody feels they know what is wrong please offer your help. chocolate cupcake gave you one of the best posts i have read on Ls .....every word perfection.....I would repeat it word for word.......what a post.....i dont need to post anything but to wish you well and follow every word take it to your heart.....such a thoughtful post thank her for that post she so thoughtfully wrote to you give her some love.....lol....best wishes......deb
todreaminblue Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Hi there, So, You already recognize the fact that you have trust and commitment issues with people, you know that about yourself. Im the same way, and I also deal with depression and over-thinking things as you seem to do. If you have a feeling that fear is going to come out of doing something thats going to make this great girl attached to you and you wont possibly be ready for something like that thats going to be a burden on you and worsen your depression, what i would do, first 0f all, is quit looking that far ahead and just continue to take things one day at a time without the sex. thats right, dont think too much about it but just how much fun you have with her and what a great person she is (she seems like a total sweetheart, i wouldnt want to spoil anything either!). Eventually, YES, DISCUSS the thing about sex with her after some time and dont bottle in any feelings (THE WORST SOLUTION, especially for us who suffer from depression) and LET HER KNOW about your issues without saying something like "Im feeling strange about having sex because I dont know if youre going to turn out to be the right one" or something awkward and uncomfortable like that. Just let her know that it takes time for you to open up to people and that taking things slowly and at a steady pace is what youd like to do for the time being and tell her that you would appreciate it if she gave you time to think about sex and continue to hold off on it until you figure out your stuff. I think shell really respect that, you being so straight forward and allowing her to really get a feel for the kind of guy that you are. Itll show her that you actually really care about the two of you and that its not just some silly thing to you. As always, my advice comes straight from the heart. xoxo Relax. ~~Enjoy her company and when the time is right, let it out. Dont be afraid. Trust me, once your feelings are out, youll feel so much better. --Chocolatecupcake reposted for emphasis....kudos to you chocky cupcake......hands up.....deb
chocolatecupcake Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Oh, well gosh thanks. Its just alittle thing called honest opinion DIB. and as for you josh, dont play games with people. if you dont want the same thing as she does or you believe ddeep down that you wont be able to give her the kind of treatment/love she deserves (even YOU SAID IT that you honestly believe youre not the man for her)..then let her be with someone who will. Honestly, im feeling sympathy for this poor girl right now. Shes so into you and shes even taking the time to mark up the Big Day for you guys and youre the one sitting here thinking that maybe shes not the one. :/ ..Remain friends. Just remain friends.
Author joshemtff Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 Thanks to everybody for the advice. In the end I just want to be happy, but unfortunately that seems to be difficult for me. I do overanalyze things and worry too much and I am trying to work on that. I guess I just want to clear my head and try to think straight before I make any decisions. It is not in my nature to hurt or lead people on, but I don't necessarily think I am doing that here. I just got to figure out how I really feel and that's why I am hoping antidepressants will help clear my mind, settle me down and allow me to make an informed decision. I know that in the end, if its not meant to be it won't happen, I'm just confused as to why I am unsure about someone who has more of what I want than any other person I've dated. She has also become a great friend and I don't want to loose that if this is not meant to be.
River Rain Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 It's hard, but sometimes you can't have it both ways. If she wants one thing and you don't, she might not want to remain friends you know? I don't think the anti-d's will help with this problem, they are known to take up to 6 weeks for any effect.
chocolatecupcake Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 oh and if someone could check out my post (just click on my name to view my posts) its called "To move on or not to move on, thats the question" and READ WHAT I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT MY SITUATION and give ME some straight from the heart advice, it would be muuch appeciated thankss <3
Author joshemtff Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 Well I would never use this girl and I won't sleep with her unless I am sure that i see her in my future. I feel like I am never truly happy and I have done this before in past relationships. That is why I don't want to end things, and then regret it because I wasn't thinking clearly. I will try to just take things slow and think less about the physical aspect of our relationship and more on the emotional aspect and see how I feel. I also want to give the antidepressants a chance to work to see if a clearer head is what I need. The doctors said it will take effect within a couple weeks and i could see improvements in just one week. If I can't resolve my issues I will let her go and find someone better than me. When I said I don't think I am the man she deserves now i didn't mean that I couldn't eventually be that man. I have emotional baggage and issues like depression that keep me from thinking strait and thankfully she doesn't have to battle any of that. As I said, I will not do anything with her until I'm sure one way or the other how I feel. I want her to remember me in a good way no matter what happens so I want to try and see if I can work this out or I will let her go and let her know that there is nothing wrong with her but I have issues to work out. Like I said, I don't wAnt to jump the gun and regret it later.
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