AnotherRound Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 This came up in another thread. I am curious now as to what others who have been/are in the OTHER position consider to be dealbreakers? Obviously, we didn't consider a married person to be a dealbreaker, so what are your dealbreakers? Here are a few of mine - 1. A married person who is looking for "strange" and not an emotional connection (I would have never participated in a deceitful affair, or one that was not about more than "just sex", and will now never participate in another one again). 2. Lack of intelligence. This will never work for me, as I need to be able to talk freely and at the level I'm most comfortable with in a SO relationship. 3. Lack of hygiene. Just ew. This includes teeth, nails, etc. I like a man's man, but being clean does not make a man a wimp... 4. Racism. Or any ism really. I need open mindedness, acceptance (not "tolerance"), understanding, empathy. 5. Hunting. Lol, I know, weird, but seriously. I have no problem with anyone that does this - most of my friends and family do, I just don't want to live this way myself. It's just not my "thing"... it makes me terribly sad to see anything in pain, or struggling, or fear... 6. Dishonesty. Self-explanatory. 7. Low emotional IQ - or not being able to express their emotions appropriately (as in, not attacking, but expressing), or not being able to be vulnerable within the relationship. Or, not respecting my vulnerabilities. 8. Criminal activity. Not that I judge it, hey, we all have our things - I just can't risk it as my career could be jeopardized. 9. Laziness. Anyone that won't work, won't help around the house, sits and waits for good things to come to them and won't work for them, anyone who gives up without trying, or whines about obstacles in life and shows no perseverance or gumption. I would also like someone that is educated, but that's not necessarily a dealbreaker - but can be, depending on the circumstances. 10. No sense of humor. I just can't do this one. I LOVE to laugh, and it's so good for the soul! And, if someone thinks that to be funny that jokes have to be at someone else's expense - ugh. But, nothing bonds people like laughing together and sharing inside and private jokes. Those are some of my big ones that come to mind - What are some that some of you have? And of course everyone can participate, but I'm more interested in finding out OW/OMs bc they obviously do not consider marriage a dealbreaker (which would be considered the norm in our society), so I'm curious as to what they do consider dealbreakers.
veryhappy Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 For the "other" position, I had a few: no pregnant significant other or young kids, no official friendship for the people involved, no close ties (lives overlap significantly). Now the dealbreaker is the fact that they're committed lol. If I keep all my marbles, I want to believe I'll never go down that path again, because the price is too high to pay. Some of the things you've written are regular R dealbreakers too. 4
MissBee Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 (edited) For the "other" position, I had a few: no pregnant significant other or young kids, no official friendship for the people involved, no close ties (lives overlap significantly). Now the dealbreaker is the fact that they're committed lol. If I keep all my marbles, I want to believe I'll never go down that path again, because the price is too high to pay. Some of the things you've written are regular R dealbreakers too. Lol ditto on the bold. But at the time of being the OW things that would have definitely stopped me were: if he had been actually married and/or lived with his SO, if I knew his SO personally, if we were in the same circle. If I had to dodge and hide and plan lies with him, if he asked me to "cover for him" and if he expected to discuss and complain to me about his relationship and have me serve as counselor. I was the OW once (and I consider it the OW because we had a relationship) and FWB another time with some other committed guy, but didn't consider myself the OW because I wasn't emotionally attached to him and we weren't in a relationship. What allowed me to engage both those situations I think was because neither of them were married to their SOs and didn't live with them. So in the OW situation esp. these factors strongly contributed to it seeming less like an A. I really doubt I could have done it had I known they were married or lived together everyday, slept together, ran a household, he had to call me from home and all those kinds of things which are more "in your face" and just logistically require more planning versus if your SO doesn't live with you. And ditto on the rest of stuff being deal breakers in general, and not particular to the OW role. Edited October 2, 2012 by MissBee
skylarblue Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 As far as being the OW, for 3/4 of the R the only dealbreaker with xMM would've been falling in love. If xMM would have said he was developing feelings, I would've ended it. It wasn't what I wanted or was looking for. The last quarter the dealbreakers would have been 1)not having feelings for me 2)having regular sex with W 3)lip service and 4)lies, although I did look pass things I thought qualified for a while.
Author AnotherRound Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 Thanks for the replies I think I worded my OP differently than I meant though, lol. I was interested to see other OW/OMs other dealbreakers for ANY relationship. I was interested in seeing if we all had "pretty normal" dealbreakers, other than the one that didn't exclude at least one married partner from being our SO at some point in time - and it appears that those who answered definitely do. I was asked in another thread what I was "actually" looking for in a relationship, and to give a list of that, I would just post the dealbreakers - as it clarifies what I'm looking for as much as what I'm NOT going to deal with. So, that's what this thread was about. To try and see if some other "others" were kind of on the same page with me on that. I think that sometimes there is a misconception that those of us who have participated as an "other" have "no boundaries", and I was interested in that, as I have always been a pretty strong boundary holder - and assumed that there were other "others" that probably were too. This thread backs that up a little in that we all have pretty "normal" dealbreakers, just happens that one of the norms - the partner being married - isn't an "instant" dealbreaker for us. Thanks again... interesting.
Got it Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 AR hit my general dealbreakers for any relationship. IQ and EQ are very important. (I remember when I first started dating my ex husband and he just started crying and couldn't tell me why. That completely boggled my mind that one would be upset and not know why. Granted we were teens but that has always stood out to me. So EQ and being in touch with one's self). I was not in the affair to be in an affair, I was in it because of dMM. For him I was suspending the major dealbreaker on him being married because he said he was divorcing, done with his marriage, etc. So for him I made allowances. I do not see myself making allowances again in the future. I was a very high maintenance OW and do not see many men willing to jump through those hoops nor do I care to. I love dMM, I am good with him, if we end, I think being alone sounds really nice. Men are nice but I have really found things I enjoyed about doing things solo that I would maybe like to experience again without needing someone else to weigh in. Men should be the icing on one's cake regardless of the circumstances. Not healthy to have them as the daily meals. 1
skylarblue Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Thanks for the clarification. To me, some of the things you mentioned would apply to me as well, but I consider them to be more like preferences, qualities, or standards I require in a mate not necessarily dealbreakers. I consider a dealbreaker more like already starting or being in a R and then something occurring. On that note in a non-A R, they would be finding out: 1)he lied about being single, not having a child or xW, his criminal record (subjective) or activity, his feelings for me, or biological gender (sex change) 2)he misrepresented himself (different name, age, job, etc than what's true) or behaving one way until...(like the guy that becomes abusive AFTER he marries his W) 3)he cheated. Although I know it my be a different situation if I face it and under what circumstances. I may find it easier to say than do 4)he's a liar in any capacity that I deem significant 5)he has a sex, gambling, drug, or alcohol addiction There may be others but I think I covered some significant things. 1
cocorico Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 He lies to me.He is less available than I want him to be.I am not his no1 R priority.I am not consumed with desire for him.He is not consumed with desire for me.He is stupid.He is mean.He is weak.He is boring.He is not a leader.He is not driven.He does not dance.He has narrow interests.He is a bigot.He drives a truck.He has mental health issues.He has anger management issues.He is alcohol or substance dependent.He is not at least a decade older than me.He does not look after his body, or dresses funny, or is otherwise out of touch with his body.He is an emotional imbecile.He would consider voting for the wrong party.He cheats on his taxes.He is a capitalist.He likes rap.He has gross tattoos.He wears his hair in a ponytail. Especially if his hairline is receding.He blames his parents.His kids rule the roost.He drives a Toyota, a Merc, a BMW or an American make of car, or anything that costs more than a house.He has few books, or the wrong kind of books.He can't tell "there" from "they're" from "their" when he writes.He uses "less" instead of "fewer".He doesn't cook.He smokes.He has dubious personal hygiene.He misses his W/xW.He likes action movies and doesn't get art-house cinema.He thinks cocktails are girly.He only drinks beer.He watches rugby, or soccer, or tennis.He plays rugby, or soccer, or tennis.He understands "off-side".He prefers meat to vegetables.He liked ABBA. Or worse, still does.He does not own at least one prof rock concept album. In the original vinyl.His sense of humour sucks.He watches more than 3 hours of TV a week.He does not have an artistic outlet of some kind.He does not get his hands dirty.He's not "up for anything".He's not red hot in bed.He does not love animals.He does not lead an active lifestyle.He serves you instant coffee.He puts coke in his whisky.He chews gum.He reads the Daily Mail or the Telegraph.He doesn't get Terry Pratchett, Tolkein, or Douglas Adams.He doesn't read poetry.His accent jars. 1
Author AnotherRound Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 He lies to me.He is less available than I want him to be.I am not his no1 R priority.I am not consumed with desire for him.He is not consumed with desire for me.He is stupid.He is mean.He is weak.He is boring.He is not a leader.He is not driven.He does not dance.He has narrow interests.He is a bigot.He drives a truck.He has mental health issues.He has anger management issues.He is alcohol or substance dependent.He is not at least a decade older than me.He does not look after his body, or dresses funny, or is otherwise out of touch with his body.He is an emotional imbecile.He would consider voting for the wrong party.He cheats on his taxes.He is a capitalist.He likes rap.He has gross tattoos.He wears his hair in a ponytail. Especially if his hairline is receding.He blames his parents.His kids rule the roost.He drives a Toyota, a Merc, a BMW or an American make of car, or anything that costs more than a house.He has few books, or the wrong kind of books.He can't tell "there" from "they're" from "their" when he writes.He uses "less" instead of "fewer".He doesn't cook.He smokes.He has dubious personal hygiene.He misses his W/xW.He likes action movies and doesn't get art-house cinema.He thinks cocktails are girly.He only drinks beer.He watches rugby, or soccer, or tennis.He plays rugby, or soccer, or tennis.He understands "off-side".He prefers meat to vegetables.He liked ABBA. Or worse, still does.He does not own at least one prof rock concept album. In the original vinyl.His sense of humour sucks.He watches more than 3 hours of TV a week.He does not have an artistic outlet of some kind.He does not get his hands dirty.He's not "up for anything".He's not red hot in bed.He does not love animals.He does not lead an active lifestyle.He serves you instant coffee.He puts coke in his whisky.He chews gum.He reads the Daily Mail or the Telegraph.He doesn't get Terry Pratchett, Tolkein, or Douglas Adams.He doesn't read poetry.His accent jars. I lol'd at some of these! Wow... just fyi, you and I couldn't date! I have some of these things or similar on my lists too. Isn't it funny as we get to know ourselves better how complete these lists can get?! And how rare it is to find someone that "passes"? The chances of each of us finding each other seems so random and rare - it always makes me cherish it when someone fits so perfectly. (I totally admit I have ABBA on my mp3! lol)
Summer Breeze Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I don't have any dealbreakers for the beginning of an R, which I kind of see this thread alluding to. To end one it's physical abuse (pretty much to anyone in any circumstance other than to defend) and infidelity. I may work with someone trying to get around a lot of other things. They may eventually break the deal, and then again they may not depending how it all works out.
Furious Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 The number 1 dealbreaker for me is lying. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, and I believe in forgiveness. Someone who has lied is worthy of a second chance, if they own the lie and make sincere amends. I don't see anything faulty in this but then some might disagree, and I'm fine with that. 1
Radagast Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 When I was "the other man" I did not have any dealbreakers. I believed her when she said her marriage was damaging, her husband controlling, and so I excused her behaviour as that of a person damaged by a difficult situation. I would have excused pretty much anything. I was young and naive, I knew no better. I thought I could save her and make her whole.
Author AnotherRound Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 I don't have any dealbreakers for the beginning of an R, which I kind of see this thread alluding to. To end one it's physical abuse (pretty much to anyone in any circumstance other than to defend) and infidelity. I may work with someone trying to get around a lot of other things. They may eventually break the deal, and then again they may not depending how it all works out. I think this is interesting. I often feel like I have too many dealbreakers prior to a relationship. I find myself discounting even trying with certain people bc they exhibit something that is a dealbreaker for me. Some are important (being a racist is a NO go for me), some are silly (they don't like dogs). But, it has stopped me from being interested more than once. I think the craziest thing for me is that there is ever a time that I can meet someone who makes it through the preliminaries, lol. It's like, very few do, so when someone does, and doesn't hit a single dealbreaker, I seriously take notice - bc that is so rare. I wish I was more like you in that I didn't have all of these in place prior to a relationship. My 14 year old step-brother often teases me about all of my "rules" about relationships, and since he adores me, thinks it is the only think keeping me single... lol. He may be right actually, bc I have enough offers, but inevitably, they hit a dealbreaker and I'm done. Quickly and cleanly - just done. I never look back. I guess for me, it's bc I know that for me any of those dealbreakers will frustrate me to no end. And I feel much better single without frustration than in a relationship with frustration. Interesting...
Author AnotherRound Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 Smelly feet. Ew. That's a dealbreaker. I had a friend who had a roomate who's feet smelled so bad that years later I can still remember how bad their house smelled every time, and it became permanent. Ick. Hygiene is uber important to me. I dated a guy once, and we had been on two dates, and he showed up in sandals. Fine, although I do tend to find sandals unattractive on men. Anyway, he had these nasty dirty toenails - and wasn't even ashamed! He literally made a joke about how cute my feet were - I am religious about keeping my feet clean, smooth, and toenails painted, esp during sandal season! - and how he didn't have "cute/pretty feet" like me. I was so grossed out that I literally couldn't even concentrate on the date after that. I couldn't wait for it to be over, and when he tried to kiss me at the end of the date, I literally heaved a little. I know it's excessive, but it was disgusting. There was no way that I could ever cuddle with someone and have them put nasty feet like that anywhere near me... gagging now just thinking about it. I never went out with him again - done. Feet, nails, teeth, ears - all important. So easy to keep clean, no reason not to, and I just can't handle anything less than clean. I'm sure that the guys I date would be considered metro-sexual, or even effiminate in their hygiene habits - but I don't care, it's a necessity! Anything less is just laziness and disrespect for the person that has to touch you! And smelly is a whole other world... could not live with it. Why would anyone just go around being dirty or smelly? Why? ugh...
veryhappy Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 (edited) AR, maybe you need to be a little it more flexible and open minded? I have a long preliminary list too in my mind, but it's not eliminatory. My exMM is someone who in theory wouldn't be a match for me. I was so surprised by it all, because I thought I had this type preference, and he was really out of that type. I loved that man desperately, and it wasn't because he ticked all my checkboxes. There's a post on baggage reclaim about having things in common and the fact that it's not that important - liking dogs would be an example. Sharing the same values is more important. Edited October 5, 2012 by cutedragon
veryhappy Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 As far as hygiene and smell, being clean and smelling nice is not enough. It has to work for you. Now this discussion is triggering me...smell is such a powerful sense as you were saying. 1
Author AnotherRound Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 AR, maybe you need to be a little it more flexible and open minded? I have a long preliminary list too in my mind, but it's not eliminatory. My exMM is someone who in theory wouldn't be a match for me. I was so surprised by it all, because I thought I had this type preference, and he was really out of that type. I loved that man desperately, and it wasn't because he ticked all my checkboxes. There's a post on baggage reclaim about having things in common and the fact that it's not that important (like liking dogs). Sharing the same values is more important. I absolutely agree - and I wish I could be. My problem is, I'm just grossed out by certain things, and can't get past it. I have OCD, and the hygiene stuff is a HUGE issue for me. If I'm going to be intimate with someone, physically, and share my space or my body - they just have to be clean. And I know that my standards of clean are higher than most - but anything less, and I'm literally gagging. The dog thing is simply bc I will never not have dogs in my life. I adore them, and rescue them. I have permanent dogs that are mine, but I also run rescue programs, so there are often other dogs here who are looking for their forever homes. So, I'm not sure anyone who doesn't like dogs could co-habitate with me on any level. I wouldn't give my dogs up for anything, they aren't going anywhere, until they die. Not to mention, I don't really trust people who don't like dogs. Dogs are pretty perceptive about people, and I think that unnerves some people - which makes me distrust them. I do have silly things though. Really silly things, that disqualify someone right out of the gate. For instance, I live in a very rural area, and there are a lot of "real" cowboys. It's just not my thing - I won't date a cowboy. They are nice enough guys, but a little too rough around the edges for my liking. Instant turnoff. Probably silly, but again, not something I can get past. You and my younger brother agree, that I have too many "rules"... lol. But honestly, I'm very content being single, so I see no reason at this point to "lower" my standards. I'm not sure I ever would, or could, bc I am perfectly content alone - so, no pressure. And, I have tried to date guys out of my "type", and it just hasn't worked for me. In that, I can't get past certain things. If I was actively looking for a relationship, or trying not to be single, it would maybe be different. ??? I don't know really, bc I've never been that girl - I like my alone time, I like my space, I like living my life in a way that's comfortable for me. I agree though, I should be more understanding and more flexible... but someone with dirty feet will NEVER be in my bed. Honestly, the thought of it makes me want to vomit.... to imagine those feet touching me... shivers.
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