verhrzn Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Did he actually tell you this? No, but neither did all of the other guys I dated, at least not directly. But the way they talk about themselves is enough. The current guy I'm dating was single for two years (went out on only 2 dates in that time period), and frequently makes comments about how he's not "good enough" because he is still in college, lives with his parents, and doesn't have much of a social life. I also pursued him; all of that adds up to him not really having a lot of options.
january2011 Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Cultivate everything else but also not give up on my appearance, e.g., clean and neat good quality clothes and accessories, good haircut, some makeup. I'd also throw myself into charity work to raise the profile of my causes. Occasionally, there are news articles about high profile people who have been horribly disfigured and they still find love as well as serve as an inspiration and example of triumph over adversity. Allow me to talk about myself for a paragraph or so...I've mentioned a few times here that I'm not the type of woman who has random men falling over themselves to cat-call in the street. But somehow, I still found love. I'm either selling myself short, incredibly lucky, have something else beyond looks that is attractive or maybe I have low standards! Or perhaps it's the way that I approach dating and relationships. Who knows? I don't know what it's like to be in the shoes of the posters who seem to have problems attracting a mate. In my lifetime, I've known only a very small handful of people who have never had a partner. And without exception, none of them complain about it. I don't know if they cry themselves to sleep every night when they are by themsleves. From an outsider's point of view, they seem perfectly happy with their lives and careers. That is, they are not focused on finding a mate nor do they even bring it up in conversation. As to their looks, I'd say that they are averagely attractive.
verhrzn Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 I gotta say that sounds like some major insecurity issues coming from you making the relationship doomed to fail, unless he actually flat out said this, and if so why are you in a relationship with this guy? Is it because the exact same reason? Also if he did say this you need to find better guys than that. There ARE no better guys. That's the point of this thread: what if you can't attract someone. The only people I attract (or, more accurately, the only people who respond to my pursuing them) are guys who are desperate, or who think they can't get anyone else. Every single guy I've dated didn't tell me directly that they were dating me out of desperation, but made it clear that I was not their preferred type, that they weren't that attracted to me, and dumped me as soon as something better came along. They were dating me ONLY because I did all of the heavy lifting and all of the pursuing. Again, being a relationship does not mean anything.
CptObvious Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Yes, but he is only dating me out of desperation and low self-esteem, not because he actually likes me. If I waited for someone who actually liked me or was attracted to me, I'd never date. What a noble thing to do. Props for throwing the loser bin a rope, I'm sure he'll look back someday and be grateful for it.
CptObvious Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 It kind of shocks me every now and then when there are normal, fit, young people (lots of guys on LS) who can physically attract virtually nobody. So, let's say hypothetically, that you couldn't physically attract anybody. I'm not talking about not being able to attract someone YOU are attracted to. I'm talking about nobody. Let's say for instance you were disfigured in a car crash or accident, but you still had your full health and could do all daily operations fine. But your face was disfigured. What would you do then? Kill yourself? Give up on dating? How would you play your cards? I'd start robbing banks and **** all kinds of bitches with the money.
Necris Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 There ARE no better guys. That's the point of this thread: what if you can't attract someone. The only people I attract (or, more accurately, the only people who respond to my pursuing them) are guys who are desperate, or who think they can't get anyone else. Every single guy I've dated didn't tell me directly that they were dating me out of desperation, but made it clear that I was not their preferred type, that they weren't that attracted to me, and dumped me as soon as something better came along. They were dating me ONLY because I did all of the heavy lifting and all of the pursuing. Again, being a relationship does not mean anything. Still Verhrzn from this post alone it sounds like you two are both thinking the same way. You're thinking there are no better guys so I'll go out with this desperate guy, and the guy is thinking there are no better girls so I'll go out with this desperate girl.
Imajerk17 Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 (edited) No, but neither did all of the other guys I dated, at least not directly. But the way they talk about themselves is enough. The current guy I'm dating was single for two years (went out on only 2 dates in that time period), and frequently makes comments about how he's not "good enough" because he is still in college, lives with his parents, and doesn't have much of a social life. I also pursued him; all of that adds up to him not really having a lot of options. Hmmm. Sounds to me that you are only dating him out of desperation and low self-esteem, not because you actually like him. So in other words, you're dating him for the same reasons *you think* he is dating you. Did it ever occur to you that he is saying these things because he feels lucky that a girl such as yourself actually went for a guy like him? Anyway, to answer the OP, we all have to settle. The good news is that you probably can get someone interested in you. Edited October 2, 2012 by Imajerk17
verhrzn Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Hmmm. Sounds to me that you are only dating him out of desperation and low self-esteem, not because you actually likes him. So in other words, you're dating him for the same reasons *you think* he is dating you. Did it ever occur to you that he is saying these things because he feels lucky that a girl such as yourself actually went for a guy like him? Anyway, to answer the OP, we all have to settle. The good news is that you probably can get someone interested in you. Nah, I quite like him. That's why I pursued him. If I didn't like him, and he didn't like me, neither of us would have ever bothered. The fact that I pursued him means I like him, and that I don't feel "desperate." (If I was desperate, I would have taken any guy who pursued me. Since he didn't pursue me, I picked him out, if that makes sense.) And no, I never considered it, because why in the world WOULD he feel lucky that he got me? He isn't lucky; since when is dating a fat, ugly, nerdy girl a "lucky" thing?
Necris Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Hmmm. Sounds to me that you are only dating him out of desperation and low self-esteem, not because you actually likes him. So in other words, you're dating him for the same reasons *you think* he is dating you. Did it ever occur to you that he is saying these things because he feels lucky that a girl such as yourself actually went for a guy like him? Anyway, to answer the OP, we all have to settle. The good news is that you probably can get someone interested in you. I think that maybe the case she's dating him out of desperation and low self-esteem and he may actually be seriously into her but she is being blinded by her own feelings.
Imajerk17 Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Nah, I quite like him. That's why I pursued him. If I didn't like him, and he didn't like me, neither of us would have ever bothered. The fact that I pursued him means I like him, and that I don't feel "desperate." (If I was desperate, I would have taken any guy who pursued me. Since he didn't pursue me, I picked him out, if that makes sense.) So there you go, you *do* have guys who pursue you. You implicitly admitted it yourself right there.
verhrzn Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 So there you go, you *do* have guys who pursue you. You implicitly admitted it yourself right there. No. I don't have any guys who pursue me. I have a choice between pursuing guys, or being single. If I am going to pursue a guy, I might as well pursue a guy who I prefer/like.
Necris Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 And no, I never considered it, because why in the world WOULD he feel lucky that he got me? He isn't lucky; since when is dating a fat, ugly, nerdy girl a "lucky" thing? Insecurities verhrzn that what that sounds like. I can only speak for myself but that actually does sound lucky. From what I've heard from other posters you are relatively good-looking, but if you are concerned about your weight (then again you may have body dysmorphic disorder causing you to feel the way you do so you may want to get help for that), and if you are seriously 230+lbs I would strongly suggest you hit the gym for your own health if nothing else.
xxoo Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Let's say for instance you were disfigured in a car crash or accident, but you still had your full health and could do all daily operations fine. But your face was disfigured. What would you do then? Kill yourself? Give up on dating? How would you play your cards? I'd do whatever makes me excited to wake up in the morning. In this situation, knowing myself, I'd probably get involved working with children who have similar disfigurements, maybe even getting a PhD so that I could do that work more effectively. In the process of living that kind of life, I'd probably meet someone anyway--maybe someone with similar disfigurements, or maybe someone who works in that field--someone who would see my soul, and fall in love with me. Anyway, to answer the OP, we all have to settle. The good news is that you probably can get someone interested in you. I disagree! There is no settling when in love. When you love someone, it simply doesn't matter what their outside package looks like. Getting past the outside package and finding love is the tricky part. But love sneaks up on people in the right environment (working closely, sharing passions, etc). 1
verhrzn Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Insecurities verhrzn that what that sounds like. I can only speak for myself but that actually does sound lucky. From what I've heard from other posters you are relatively good-looking, but if you are concerned about your weight (then again you may have body dysmorphic disorder causing you to feel the way you do so you may want to get help for that), and if you are seriously 230+lbs I would strongly suggest you hit the gym for your own health if nothing else. How does dating a fat, ugly girl sound lucky?? And I DO work out but am still overweight for my size (5' and 120 pounds.) Honestly, if you guys have such low standards, you really CAN find anyone to date. There are plenty of fat ugly girls out there who need love.
SteveC80 Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 No, but neither did all of the other guys I dated, at least not directly. But the way they talk about themselves is enough. The current guy I'm dating was single for two years (went out on only 2 dates in that time period), and frequently makes comments about how he's not "good enough" because he is still in college, lives with his parents, and doesn't have much of a social life. I also pursued him; all of that adds up to him not really having a lot of options. Nobody aside from very good looking people are with their dream person physcially yet many average and below average looking people find love..most couples i see walking the street are not very good looking Just like you may not be his dream women physcially im sure deep down apart of you recognizes really good looking guys and if you were swept off your feet by a few when you were younger would be smitten but you have changed your brain to be attracted to whats on your level like most people do..
Imajerk17 Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 I disagree! There is no settling when in love. When you love someone, it simply doesn't matter what their outside package looks like. Getting past the outside package and finding love is the tricky part. But love sneaks up on people in the right environment (working closely, sharing passions, etc). I agree that once you fall in love, the outside package stuff falls away in importance and you are no longer settling. That person you are with is the one person who can make you happy as no one else can. BUT all of us have to do some settling on the outside packaging part, which does matter especially if our "outside packaging" is less than stellar. It might be hard for a socially awkward nerdy guy to pick up the hottest girl on the UCLA Women's Volleyball Team. But who knows, if they were to work together for a few months, they might realize that they are truly compatible and fall in love anyway.
Necris Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 How does dating a fat, ugly girl sound lucky?? And I DO work out but am still overweight for my size (5' and 120 pounds.) Honestly, if you guys have such low standards, you really CAN find anyone to date. There are plenty of fat ugly girls out there who need love. You know verhrzn that is not what I or what most people would consider fat also according to BMI calculators that is also a normal not overweight and certainly nowhere near obese weight. As for my standards perhaps they are low but that doesn't make it easier to find anyone to date.
Author jobaba Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 Interesting that mostly everybody responded that they would more or less give up on love and find 'other' pursuits of life to keep them busy and fulfilled. Then perhaps someone would see them for who they are, and forget about their outside packaging. Despite what everybody says about looks not mattering in the end, without any significant physical attractiveness to draw the opposite/same sex, it seems a love life is ultimately a luxury which may or may not materialize... Sounds daunting, doesn't it? All in all, I think most people don't realize just how many people have problems attracting a single person, let alone someone they are attracted to. It's more common than most people think.
xxoo Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Interesting that mostly everybody responded that they would more or less give up on love and find 'other' pursuits of life to keep them busy and fulfilled. Then perhaps someone would see them for who they are, and forget about their outside packaging. Interesting, because that is how most of us find love in the first place: going about our lives, doing what we love, being passionate and full of life. That is what makes most average looking people very attractive. 3
SteveC80 Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Despite what everybody says about looks not mattering in the end, without any significant physical attractiveness to draw the opposite/same sex, it seems a love life is ultimately a luxury which may or may not materialize... Id agree with this people understimate how much raw animal attraction is important in the beiginingn stages and in keeping a relationship I think getting tons external valdiation from women jaded me a little because it came so easy at times these women wanted to be with me even if i acted like a jerkoff Being good looking makes thigns extremely eays as long as youre not socially retarded and even then youll get people who wont care
january2011 Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Despite what everybody says about looks not mattering in the end, without any significant physical attractiveness to draw the opposite/same sex, it seems a love life is ultimately a luxury which may or may not materialize... To be honest, I do see it as a luxury, regardless of outside package. I don't think I'm really owed a love life nor do I think anyone else is either. I know that wanting companionship/making a connection with someone special are important to me. And some part of me would be a little unhappy if I spent years not being able to find a partner. However, what does one do in the meantime? One keeps a lookout for potential partners but mainly just gets on with "life," as xxoo suggested. This was the final realisation when I was single. A few weeks later, I met my now SO online. How we look at things plays a huge part in how we interact with the world and what's reflected back at us. Life isn't a fairytale much of the time and many people have problems. I think that for some posters, the solution might be more complicated and beyond the remit of an internet site. And/or they need to find a way to get past their own tendency to self-sabotage with negative thought patterns to become unstuck. 1
Author jobaba Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 Interesting, because that is how most of us find love in the first place: going about our lives, doing what we love, being passionate and full of life. That is what makes most average looking people very attractive. I'm starting to really like you. Unfortunately, I think your mentality is quite rare...
somedude81 Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 (edited) Yes, but he is only dating me out of desperation and low self-esteem, not because he actually likes me. If I waited for someone who actually liked me or was attracted to me, I'd never date. Nah, I quite like him. That's why I pursued him. If I didn't like him, and he didn't like me, neither of us would have ever bothered. The fact that I pursued him means I like him, and that I don't feel "desperate." (If I was desperate, I would have taken any guy who pursued me. Since he didn't pursue me, I picked him out, if that makes sense.) And no, I never considered it, because why in the world WOULD he feel lucky that he got me? He isn't lucky; since when is dating a fat, ugly, nerdy girl a "lucky" thing? Let me get this straight. You are bitter and complaining because you are dating a guy that you like but you believe that he doesn't like you because you think you're fat and ugly? :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: Even if that were true, I'm sure many of the guys who do poorly in relationships, myself included would be extremely happy to date a girl they liked, even if she felt like she couldn't do any better. You are aware right that some guys actually pay money to be with girls who don't actually like them? As long as the girl doesn't actually complain that all she has is me or put me down, then I'll be fine with it. Since it sounds like your BF isn't actually complaining either, it really sounds like it's all in your head. Frankly, you should be glad you're female. With that mentality, you'd be forever alone if you were a guy. Edited October 2, 2012 by somedude81
Necris Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Interesting, because that is how most of us find love in the first place: going about our lives, doing what we love, being passionate and full of life. That is what makes most average looking people very attractive. If you're a woman perhaps, but being a guy you can't just go on doing what you do and eventually someone will come along you have to actively go out and find that someone.
todreaminblue Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 It kind of shocks me every now and then when there are normal, fit, young people (lots of guys on LS) who can physically attract virtually nobody. So, let's say hypothetically, that you couldn't physically attract anybody. I'm not talking about not being able to attract someone YOU are attracted to. I'm talking about nobody. Let's say for instance you were disfigured in a car crash or accident, but you still had your full health and could do all daily operations fine. But your face was disfigured. What would you do then? Kill yourself? Give up on dating? How would you play your cards? I would join groups and find support with people who had similar issues or the same beliefs.I dont believe anyone should lose hope especially from what is posted on ls.......if you believe the hype you have no hope....Negatvity is destructive....reality is there is always hope.Community work often revolves around people who dont fit in.If you think about it you will see what i am saying is true......Even the court system recognises it.....I have always found it curious.That in the community the ones who are discarded are the ones willing to do work for free......the ones who cant find employment who get knocked back and have the right attitude the eones who are seeking to do something just for the sake of being involved and then of course there are ones who just love doing it.....A lot of community workers have that something special......I have met people through community work and funnily enough dated similar people to me.....there is hope where there is life......deb
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