geegirl Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 This is from: alwayscoffee This is the only way I can explain it. "If I decide someone, or something, is worth it – I don’t know how to back down. I don’t know how to give up. I don’t know how to walk away. And even if I did, I wouldn’t want to. No matter how terrifying. No matter how scary. Not matter how uncertain the world suddenly seems. Because we either fight for what we need, despite the difficulties, or we give it up. Because we either expose our hearts and ourselves, or we shut them in the dark where they inevitable diminish. What – or who – we fight for is never an idle thing. Our dreams. Our hopes. Our possibilities. They are all stitched into the lining of our souls. It is not an easy thing to recognize, but often when the day is done, and the sky is painted brilliantly, we know what we want. We know, even if it’s hard to admit." "I'm tired of being used. I'm tired of you telling me about your future plans and I'm not involved (example: you going to Vegas in November). I'm tired you talking about getting married and having kids one day and it isn't with me. I'm tired of being your comfort zone. I'm tired of you coming to me when you are lonely and horny. I'm tired of being second best when you can't get any other girls (perhaps the 6 you went on the lake with this weekend). I'm tired of waiting for you to change. Because fact is, you aren't, you won't. I'm tired of you telling me you don't want to f*ck with my feelings but what do you call all of this?! I'm done being used. I deserve better than this." This is the guy you're romanticizing about? The one that you feel is worth it and needs fighting for. You're in a state of idealization. What you quoted and what you admitted about your ex contradict each other. Fight for someone that wants to fight for you and treats you with respect and love. You don't fight for someone that uses and objectifies you. You rationale is skewed. 1
flitzanu Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 wait, this is a new precedent right, that i don't have to blame my own actions and i can blame everyone else for me allowing them to treat me like crap? i blame ALL OF YOU FOR LETTING ME TRY TO CHASE MY EX 2 YEARS AGO WHEN SHE DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!!!! 3
geegirl Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I do not resort to MEDICATIONS or paying an absurd amount of money, to sit there and have some random stranger with glasses and a pen and paper listen to me ramble and then "diagnose" me like I'm not a human being and feelings are wrong to feel. Please. No. That is not the answer. This is a broken heart not a flippin mental case. Enough. I'm logging off. Best wishes to all of you!! Thank you for all the support but it is time for me to log out now. Denial is a difficult thought process to overcome. No one is calling you mental. What we're telling you is that sometimes it's good to sit with someone that can help you sort your feelings and thoughts and come up with a way to understand why you do the things you do, because you don't have the capacity to do so. There is a clear indication that you don't love yourself or have self-esteem. My ex did the same thing. I had to make a conscious choice to remove myself. You're just making excuses and getting mad at the world and the realities of what you face because you're afraid to let go. The sad part is, you even admitted and identified that he used you. There is no excuse in the world that will justify your actions for once again allowing him into your life. If only you had this much passion in pushing your ex away, the one that is detrimental and dangerous to your well-being rather than the ones that are giving you the harsh truth. When you're in denial, you shun those that want to help you but gravitate to the one that hurts you. I hope you see the light, and I am sure you will as he will hurt you again. 1
TaraMaiden Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 You have to love her signature. “Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't.” Shame people use such wise words - then promptly ignore them. "I'm tired of being used. I'm tired of you telling me about your future plans and I'm not involved (example: you going to Vegas in November). I'm tired you talking about getting married and having kids one day and it isn't with me. I'm tired of being your comfort zone. I'm tired of you coming to me when you are lonely and horny. I'm tired of being second best when you can't get any other girls (perhaps the 6 you went on the lake with this weekend). I'm tired of waiting for you to change. Because fact is, you aren't, you won't. I'm tired of you telling me you don't want to f*ck with my feelings but what do you call all of this?! I'm done being used. I deserve better than this." 'The person who cares the least, controls the most. I hear. 3
Mike_d Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 there are no weaknesses in meds or therapy to help you get through a temp situation, or help you understand the genesis for why you react to a situation like this so that you can resolve the issue and never have to do this again. there is help for you out there, and it is def not a "once you start the ride you cannot get off" type of thing. ironically what you are going through now is much more of a roller coaster, choose to get off the ride for awhile, clear your head. You did great for 16 days, and then the man who says he loves you chose to disrepect your wishes of no contact. you can get to 16 again, down deep you know this isn't right, you'll be back to being honest with yourself again once the shiny new luster wears off again, that's your cycle.
Mike_d Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 The person who cares the least, controls the mostthis is the truest thing I've ever ever read 2
TaraMaiden Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Thanks Mike. I'd love to claim ownership, but I didn't say it first. However, I said it first - here. 1
geegirl Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 OP just got her "FIX" for her drug. Which is, being a cum receptacle for a loser who doesn't respect or care about her. You think it's bad now? Just wait till she starts coming back down! In a few days, she will be well on her way creating thread after thread. This is the 3rd time she has done this since joining. Does anyone else think a cum receptacle or her loser f.uck buddy deserves 35 threads in a month and a half? I'm getting off this roller-coaster. Time to try out the ignore feature of the forum. She's empowered and in a state of bliss after the sex. Soon, he'll repeat his patterns and she'll be back posting. Lather, rinse, repeat. Some have to learn the very hard way. 1
mtnbiker Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 'The person who cares the least, controls the most. I hear. As Mike D said, seems to be 100% true.
Mike_d Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 (edited) She's empowered and in a state of bliss after the sex. Soon, he'll repeat his patterns and she'll be back posting. Lather, rinse, repeat. Some have to learn the very hard way. that's def going to be true, but I think we might be able to strive for a bit more compassion within the tough love we dish out here. this is a real person going through some really really difficult **** that is tearing her guts out and her monkey mind is flush with the chemicals that **** her thinking up to the point of it being chronically "opposite day" where the thing we do for ourselves is the exact worst thing possible. most people have a fight or flight component to their mentality, chasing people off doesn't help any of us I know that people get frustrated with the wishy-washy, it's going to happen, this gives us a chance to work on our reactions to that dynamic, figure out why we go to the place of frustration vs support. this girl isn't as bad as some who chose to be martyrs on the site here, she was honest about where she was at, and took the leap, made 16 days. much much more than many here struggling over deleting the ex on facebook (gag me already) Edited October 4, 2012 by Mike_d
TaraMaiden Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 TBH, the OP sounds like someone deep in the throes of a chemical addiction - because an addict becomes defensive and justifies their position. They also reach a stage where taking responsibility isn't an option, and they truly cannot see the damage they're doing to themselves, to others or how destructive the habit is. An addict always thinks it's not them, it's everyone else. Or, it's just 'not them'. God, the withdrawal hurts. it's agony, crippling, doubling, gut-wrenching agony. We need to consider the onset of pain here.
geegirl Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 that's def going to be true, but I think we might be able to strive for a bit more compassion within the tough love we dish out here. this is a real person going through some really really difficult **** that is tearing her guts out and her monkey mind is flush with the chemicals that **** her thinking up to the point of it being chronically "opposite day" where the thing we do for ourselves is the exact worst thing possible. most people have a fight or flight component to their mentality, chasing people off doesn't help any of us While the advice was tough it was also ignited by the OP's attitude. Granted, Gibson's last statement was rather crude, I don't believe that much of what everyone was saying was to hurt her but to instill self-awareness. We're compassionate but after you've chosen to defeat yourself over and over again, it's quite difficult to not dish out the plain harsh reality when the OP herself has little to no sense of being kind and compassionate to herself. I remember my mom used to blast me with harsh and tough love after my break-up. It used to send me reeling but I'd just keep my mouth shut and take it because I knew it was coming from a good place. Looking back, I am glad she did. If anything, her compassion and coddling wouldn't have given me the kick in the ass that I very much needed. I've been where the OP is and most certainly understands where she comes from. 1
Mike_d Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I'm not suggesting or condoning coddling, eff that. Your Mom drilling tough love into you was prob mostly face to face. *I* think that is a more viable delivery mechanism vs doing it like this online. Just a suggestion to check our own sh.t prior to pushing submit here, I know I've been guilty of having my issues creep through on replies where my buttons have been pushed and I hit the keyboard, but I've gone back the next day and thought "ugh, I could have been better there" 1
geegirl Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I'm not suggesting or condoning coddling, eff that. Your Mom drilling tough love into you was prob mostly face to face. *I* think that is a more viable delivery mechanism vs doing it like this online. Just a suggestion to check our own sh.t prior to pushing submit here, I know I've been guilty of having my issues creep through on replies where my buttons have been pushed and I hit the keyboard, but I've gone back the next day and thought "ugh, I could have been better there" It wasn't face to face, don't assume. She lives halfway across the world so most of it was through email or IM, that I would read over and over again as much as I hated it and as much as I wanted to retaliate. I don't believe I said anything that was harsh or inappropriate to the OP, and while it may have been straightforward, it certainly wasn't coming from a bad place.
Mike_d Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 not calling out anyone specific. you know I like the way you dish it out. just trying to lay a reminder out there that we're all here for the same thing, that's all
Drseussgrrl Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I think what got to me was her saying that we don't understand because we "haven't been where she is". That's bullsh*t. Detaching yourself from an unavailable person is one of the hardest things ever. In fact, I still struggle with mine daily. To make matters even worse, he is friends with MY best friends too, and they see him often. I will sometimes get left off invites for stuff because he'll be there and nobody wants to make it awkward. Just this past weekend, about 30 of my friends got a fun bus to go to a football game. Anybody who is anyone in our group was on it. Including him. Guess who wasn't included? That's right. You know what I did? Instead of sit at home and miss him and think of all the fun my friends were having, I booked a train to NYC to visit some girlfriends and MADE SURE I HAD A GREAT TIME. And I felt just a little smug that I knew it would get back to him. So these are choices I make daily because I love myself and I know that to engage with him would just end up being more of the same. And I can't imagine having to go through this again. It's been 2 months of strict NC and no it hasn't gotten much easier, but really what choice do I have. ME AND ONLY ME. 1
TaraMaiden Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I've been accused of dishing it out, shooting from the hip and calling it as I see it. Bitch-slappin' is a speciality of mine.... and 8 times out of 10, it works. The Op comes back and says, "I know you're right, I needed that, thanks for the kick up the azz..." That won't work here, because there's too much 'lather~rinse~repeat'. The OP has unfortunately made this addiction an habitual process. There's little more anyone can say, either harshly or gently, to help. It's got to the point where the OP is going to have to figure this out for herself.
KatZee Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I think what got to me was her saying that we don't understand because we "haven't been where she is". That's bullsh*t. Detaching yourself from an unavailable person is one of the hardest things ever. In fact, I still struggle with mine daily. To make matters even worse, he is friends with MY best friends too, and they see him often. I will sometimes get left off invites for stuff because he'll be there and nobody wants to make it awkward. Just this past weekend, about 30 of my friends got a fun bus to go to a football game. Anybody who is anyone in our group was on it. Including him. Guess who wasn't included? That's right. You know what I did? Instead of sit at home and miss him and think of all the fun my friends were having, I booked a train to NYC to visit some girlfriends and MADE SURE I HAD A GREAT TIME. And I felt just a little smug that I knew it would get back to him. So these are choices I make daily because I love myself and I know that to engage with him would just end up being more of the same. And I can't imagine having to go through this again. It's been 2 months of strict NC and no it hasn't gotten much easier, but really what choice do I have. ME AND ONLY ME. Ugh. I hate this. Reading how YOUR friends got together, invited him and had a blast and left you out just got me seething. I know all about that, and I know exactly how it feels to be iced out, and throw out with the trash as if the friendships I had meant nothing. It's the worst feeling in the world, and I commend you for grabbing your other friends and heading into NYC. I probably would have been curled in a ball on my couch watching Lifetime and crying. To be so blatantly left out... that hits me hardest. To know you got dumped by the ex, and to have YOUR friends essentially side with him and leave you out. Please gag me. I still get pangs of something, I'm not sure if it's jealousy or what, when a friend of mine still sees members of "the group" I was part of when I was with my ex. She was dumped as well, but still occasionally talks to the girls. Meanwhile I was deleted, removed, ignored, and trash talked like I did something wrong. It sucks. I frequently want my "old life" back. I miss the comfort and somewhat routine life I had. See the bf, go out with friends, spend time with his massive family. Feel included, wanted, loved, liked. Then when you're tossed out in the cold... loneliest place ever. It took some work but I'm getting myself out there more and more. Reconnecting with old friends, and have joined MeetUp groups to start to meet all new people. I'm taking life by the balls these days and I refuse to get stuck. Gotta keep trucking forward. Onwards... and upwards.
KatZee Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 And it looks as if OP has checked out for good on this thread. Too much straight to the face going on here and I don't think she can handle it. I think she was looking for someone to tell her it was OK to embark on this journey again. She doesn't want to hear any of what we have to say. It's clear denial 110%. She's not in an accepting frame of mind and she'll just lash out at any of us who try to show her whats going on from an outside perspective. I guess I gotta agree, she'll either be back on here with more threads, or she'll eventually learn on her own.
Drseussgrrl Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Yeah Katzee it sucks ass. But to be fair, he has been good friends with my bestie for many years when they were in college together and the game was their alma mater. He clearly would have been invited before me. And yeah - to be honest I don't know if I could have handled it. Even worse were all the pictures on FB (ugh yes I know - FB) of all of them having fun. Also to be fair, my friends make plenty of time to see me still. We're in a cornhole league that he isn't a part of and I will see the group for football this weekend, too. So I don't feel iced out at all, there are just some things I won't be included in for obvious reasons. That's when I do my own thing and I have enough of a life outside this group that it usually isn't a problem. But yes, I feel jealous that they get to see him, laugh with him, and enjoy him in a way that I can't anymore.
Floored Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 (edited) I'm not suggesting or condoning coddling, eff that. Your Mom drilling tough love into you was prob mostly face to face. *I* think that is a more viable delivery mechanism vs doing it like this online. Just a suggestion to check our own sh.t prior to pushing submit here, I know I've been guilty of having my issues creep through on replies where my buttons have been pushed and I hit the keyboard, but I've gone back the next day and thought "ugh, I could have been better there" That was me a few pages ago, and basically most of my posts. You called it the moment I posted, and I haven't had til now to recheck and sprinkle some tenderness back into the mix. Seems like it's okay that I didn't, cause this went from 0 to high theatre rather quickly. Thing is, it's gotten to the point again where she is unwilling to read or follow through with anything we say or recommend. I don't know if she thinks we don't know the pain. A lot of my somewhat harsh postings stem from my own bitterness at my situation, so while I'm not there in that specific scenario, I do know what it's like to be used, as do a lot of us. I feel like she'll be back, or sign up an alt, or just lurk, when she gets ignored for a few weeks again. $5 says he changes his number (or is using a burner the whole time) by the end of the weekend; he got what he wanted. It's a shame, she seems like a lovely girl when this drama isn't going on, and she is gorgeous; there's potential for much, much better, but she's settling for a douchebag. Someday she'll wonder where all the nice guys are and I wonder if she'll ever figure it out. Some people don't learn, because learning requires that humbling moment where you admit that you had a hole in your knowledge and wisdom. EDIT: to check my sh.t- that last bit is more for me than anyone, OP has enough problems beyond me judging her pride, so that's not a personal attack. Edited October 4, 2012 by Floored
Mike_d Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 It's a shame, she seems like a lovely girl when this drama isn't going on, and she is gorgeous; there's potential for much, much better, but she's settling for a douchebag. this EDIT: to check my sh.t- that last bit is more for me than anyone, OP has enough problems beyond me judging her pride, so that's not a personal attack. but not this, as noted my posts were not directed at anyone specific, just felt like the tone of things was starting to tilt a bit in the wrong direction, felt like I needed to put it on the table, I did, end of story.
CptSaveAho Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 The tone of things are exactly where they need to be... People have become pu.ssified over the past year and a half here. If the people here are a reflection of a majority of the people in the real world react, then houston we have a problem. There is nothing wrong with calling a hoe... a hoe. Man up and move on, trust me they respect you in the end
Simon Phoenix Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Yeah, besides maybe gibson, none of the responses have been remotely close to out of line. The OP needs the internet version of freezing cold water thrown in her face. No need to white knight right now.
Appleness Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I think she needs to read Oracle's thread about desire vs possession. Once this asshat has her again, he's going to dump her because she's just so easy. It's the hard sad truth. I think those "get back together" programs call it the hungry dog theory. I agree that she's very pretty and has a lot of potential in meeting someone better anew but at the same time, in her current condition, I pity the poor sap who asks her out and has to listen to her ramble about her ex for 3 hours then watch while she runs back to sleep with him. The girl needs to check into emotional rehab for about 6 months.
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