Ex-bf contacted me

[geegirl]

"I'm tired of being used. I'm tired of you telling me about your future plans and I'm not involved (example: you going to Vegas in November). I'm tired you talking about getting married and having kids one day and it isn't with me. I'm tired of being your comfort zone. I'm tired of you coming to me when you are lonely and horny. I'm tired of being second best when you can't get any other girls (perhaps the 6 you went on the lake with this weekend). I'm tired of waiting for you to change. Because fact is, you aren't, you won't. I'm tired of you telling me you don't want to f*ck with my feelings but what do you call all of this?!

 

I'm done being used. I deserve better than this."

 

You wrote the above for a reason. Unfortunately, you're not done being used. After identifying all of the above, you have sex with him. Try to find your dignity because if you don't have it, he obviously will repeat his patterns because you've done nothing to show him that you respect yourself or deserve better.

[Simon Phoenix]

Hard to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves I guess.

[DavidG]

Such a sad situation

[KatZee]

So is mr. unavailable always the type to contact you after a certain time of NC..

 

And what if you ignore them, do they keep trying?

 

 

??? No

 

There's no guarantee ANYONE will ever contact you after NC, but apparently the one's who are most likely to contact are the one's going through G.I.G.S.

 

Being unavailable and having G.I.G.S. are two different things.

 

My ex left over 4 months ago and after three years hasn't tried to contact me once. Nothing. Not a word. After all his "I love you's" after all his "You mean so much to me" after all of the "You're more important to me than anyone else" after all the "I'm closer to you than anyone else" --- nothing.

 

My ex couldn't give two s.hits if I lived or died. Unavailable people are very self-absorbed and all about themselves. They have no comprehension of true love, and don't know how to fully and truly love another person.

[KatZee]

Hard to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves I guess.

 

 

It's truly, and utterly sad at this point. I really don't get the allure of this guy. It's really OPs fault at this point, all the pain she's going through. No one to blame but herself anymore. I would advise some individual counseling, honestly.

 

You have severe issues with yourself YoungNLove to continue going back to someone who makes you feel worthless.

[Svet74]

??? No

 

There's no guarantee ANYONE will ever contact you after NC, but apparently the one's who are most likely to contact are the one's going through G.I.G.S.

 

Being unavailable and having G.I.G.S. are two different things.

 

My ex left over 4 months ago and after three years hasn't tried to contact me once. Nothing. Not a word. After all his "I love you's" after all his "You mean so much to me" after all of the "You're more important to me than anyone else" after all the "I'm closer to you than anyone else" --- nothing.

 

My ex couldn't give two s.hits if I lived or died. Unavailable people are very self-absorbed and all about themselves. They have no comprehension of true love, and don't know how to fully and truly love another person.

 

oh ok, i was just confused. i probably should read the book because i dont know if my ex falls into that category. But after he broke up with me he wanted to keep me in the friendzone and would break contact like every month or so for like a year. He might be an addict too, not 100 percent sure

[Mike_d]

well, I can understand her struggles. I wish her strength and courage, but I get how she feels and why she is doing what she is doing. I've done it myself repeatedly, and continue to chronically negotiate, but I've been strong enough not to take action. I will admit that I have not had any contact by my ex in my direction, but I know how I respond to seeing old emails, stuff around the house that I've been boxing up to get to her, and I know how hard it shakes me up. She'll come around when she is ready to, there but for the grace of god go I

[Svet74]

I agree 100%.

 

What I am about to say DOES NOT apply to dumpees who were dumped by someone who GOT G.I.G.S. What I am about to say applies to the people a G.I.G.S. person dates / sleeps with / etc. AFTER YOU.

 

G.I.G.S. people are typically going to pump and dump you, date you for a short period of time (days, weeks or a few months) or you are a FWB.

 

If a G.I.G.S. person does get into a relationship that last a while...

 

1. It's with another G.I.G.S. person (they share the same lifestyle / love the drama / someone else who is just wanting to have "fun").

 

2. Losers

 

3. People who LOVE "Fixer Uppers" (G.I.G.S. lifestyle is hard and they are irresponsible. So they will tolerate / use someone who loves "Fixer Uppers")

 

G.I.G.S. people are just having "fun" and chasing a good time. They do not deal with, date or get into relationships with the people who are the "Marrying Kind" (People who LOVE "Fixer Uppers" are not the "Marrying Kind").

 

As long as you are "fun", can show them a good time and keep their attention... They are all about it. If you stop being "fun", they get bored or someone / something else comes along that interests them... They will go do that and don't even care / realize you are being hurt.

 

 

I think my ex was a little bit of both

[naomii]

sadly, i understand why its so hard for her to move on. I'm going through the exact same thing! These guys make its SO hard to move on, they ALWAYS come back! For me, this has been going on 3 years. I finally have started to ignore him, which i've never done before. But i know he'll contact me again, and soon. I've put it down to low self-esteem, loneliness and boredom as to why we take these men back. I know i'm attractive enough to find someone else, yet theres always this lingering doubt in my mind that i wont find anyone for a very long time. I really feel for OP because it's hard. I'd say its one of the HARDEST things i've ever had to do (put my foot down and push him out of my life) and i've been through a lot of **** in my life. She'll get tired of it one day. She knows deep down it's not right, that it will never work out, but sometimes we listen to our heart for all the wrong reasons.

[KatZee]

sadly, i understand why its so hard for her to move on. I'm going through the exact same thing! These guys make its SO hard to move on, they ALWAYS come back! For me, this has been going on 3 years. I finally have started to ignore him, which i've never done before. But i know he'll contact me again, and soon. I've put it down to low self-esteem, loneliness and boredom as to why we take these men back. I know i'm attractive enough to find someone else, yet theres always this lingering doubt in my mind that i wont find anyone for a very long time. I really feel for OP because it's hard. I'd say its one of the HARDEST things i've ever had to do (put my foot down and push him out of my life) and i've been through a lot of **** in my life. She'll get tired of it one day. She knows deep down it's not right, that it will never work out, but sometimes we listen to our heart for all the wrong reasons.

 

I'm still not understanding it.

 

OK so they always try to get back in touch.... what's the problem here? It's what SHE needs to do to ensure he ISN'T successful coming back. It's YOUR responsibility to ensure yours doesn't come back.

 

If he keeps trying to call? BLOCK THE NUMBER &/or CHANGE YOUR OWN NUMBER. It's this annoying? Sure. But what's better in the long run? Having to call a bunch of ppls to tell em about a new number? Or being stuck in limbo for years?

 

If he keeps trying to e-mail? BLOCK THE EMAIL &/or CHANGE YOUR OWN.

 

If he keeps leaving FB messages/Tweets? BLOCK THEIR ACCOUNT

 

If he has keys to your place? CHANGE YOUR LOCKS.

 

If he keeps trying to weasel in saying that you have his stuff? LEAVE IT IN A BOX OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR. Tell him he can pick it up at such and such time, and make sure you're not there.

 

Is it sad? Of course! But it's all self-control and strength, and honestly, people that love themselves, who aren't insecure, and who have healthy self-esteem, don't find the above process all that difficult.

 

I walked after a 3 year relationship where I loved him more than anything. I didn't look back once. He dumped and he never saw me again, and he never WILL see me again.

 

Wouldn't OP and wouldn't you LOVE to love someone who actually reciprocates? And gives back what you give? Who shows beyond a shadow of a doubt that you're the most beautiful and most amazing person on earth? How can you find this if you're stuck looking in the past? Stuck wasting time on bulls.hit?

[Svet74]

At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter why they break up anyway.

 

Correct me if I am wrong... Isn't your Ex marrying someone else?

 

If so, your doesn't have G.I.G.S. and he it's Mr. Unavailable.

 

Haha yeah he was, from what it looks like, I think he backed out. Havent herd anything about the girl or the relationshp progressing. I knew the whole thing was a joke. plus the girl is 17

 

And i have a feeling he was doing it cuz he thought it would actually get me to go chasing after him. All that failed on his part as well

[youngnlove89]

 

It's truly, and utterly sad at this point. I really don't get the allure of this guy. It's really OPs fault at this point, all the pain she's going through. No one to blame but herself anymore. I would advise some individual counseling, honestly.

 

You have severe issues with yourself YoungNLove to continue going back to someone who makes you feel worthless.

 

I have no one to blame but myself? It's all my fault? These are foolish statements.

 

Why is the blame on me? Why is the word blame even brought up? Should I go sit in a corner until I learn my lesson? Should you put me in handcuffs and lock me away because it's "my fault"?

 

That's like telling a cancer patient that they are to blame. They were given this body, they didn't take care of it...so they got cancer. I didn't take care of my heart, so I got a broken heart. You can't control what you don't know. I didn't chose to fall in love with Mr. Unavailable. I had no idea this was going to happen to me and it's my fault because I didn't see it coming? What I saw in the begginning was a future, and by the time I realized there was no future, it was too late, my destiny was a broken heart. The "cancer" (aka love in this situation) had already spread. I was bed ridden, heart-illed and the only cure is for him to love me the same way I love him.

 

Nobody wants this. Nobody wants cancer or a broken heart (or a Mr. Unavailable). Let's just play the blame game because it's much easier to define it as a fault than to even fathom the idea that maybe ***** just happens. Maybe there is no reason. Why do we always have to have a reason, an answer, a definition? Why can't it just be? Why can't I just be in love with someone who isn't available?

 

I tried for 16 days to let him go. Do you know how hard that was? I told him to leave me alone. That was unbelieveably hard! He came back. I did my best. It's hard to fight an illness when it won't leave you alone.

 

Like cancer, love lays dormant in your body until one random day it awakens. Out of nowhere, for no reason and for no justification. It just happens. It could happen to anyone. It's doesn't prey on any certain host.

 

So when it happens to someone else, when I find out that the person I love doesn't love me back, you have the audacity to reek blame on me because "I chose this," because since it hasn't happened to you, this is preventible? Since you were able to let go of your Mr. Unavailable, it should be EASY for me too?! What you don't feel or see is abnormal? I'm at fault because I can't let go of someone I love? You can't feel what I feel (obviously). You can't see what I see in him. So how can you tell me that it should be so easy to let go? You obviously haven't been where I am. OR you wouldn't say something so cruel.

Edited October 4, 2012 by youngnlove89

[Drseussgrrl]

Oh Jesus. This is just drama.

[Drseussgrrl]

And I'd also like to add youngnlove - that yes, at this point it IS your fault because you are choosing to engage with him. YOU ARE CHOOSING THIS. This isn't just happening to you. Stop acting like a victim, but on your big girl panties and start taking control of your life. This guy has it so easy with you it isn't even funny.

 

And I for one find it rather insulting that you would compare your situation with having a devastating disease such as cancer. You have no idea what you're talking about.

[youngnlove89]

Right, and this site is just for people pretending to be brave. to numb the pain that they say they don't feel. to be in denial. to preach to people that love is hard and breakups are easy. that what we feel is temporary and we are just holding on too long. it's our fault. we are to blame. we have low self esteem. we are weak. that's why LS was created? to create drama, to make eachother feel worse.

 

I just wanted someone to tell me the real simple truth, that yes it does suck, yes heartbreak is terribly hard, and we are all going to ***** up, but i'm here for you, to lift you up when you were kicked down. i'm here for you no matter what choice you make, no matter what mistake you decide on, no matter which poison you drink...i'm here for you.

 

it's all wrong. no one has sympathy. no one really cares. we are all strangers.

 

you don't care what i feel. you just tell me what i should feel because it helps you realize what you need to feel.

 

yea this is all just drama and we all pitch in. you step on me to raise yourself a little higher...

[youngnlove89]

Yep, it's my fault. I chose this. I chose to fall in love with Mr. Unavailable. I am not the victim. I am to blame.

 

Okay, so now what?

 

Now I should feel better?

[Drseussgrrl]

Of course heartbreak sucks. That's why we're all here. I'd by lying if I said I didn't still think about my own unavailable guy every single day. It ain't easy. I miss him tons. Nobody is denying you that and everyone HAS sympathized with you on that front.

 

But you create thread after thread about this guy (for MONTHS now I might add), get some amazing, helpful, well-thought out advice, claim that you're done and moving on, get all the support you could ever need, then go right back to the source of your agony. All it took was a "Hi" email from him.

 

Yes, that is drama.

[geegirl]

Yep, it's my fault. I chose this. I chose to fall in love with Mr. Unavailable. I am not the victim. I am to blame.

 

Okay, so now what?

 

Now I should feel better?

 

Quit playing the victim.

 

It wasn't your fault that you got involved with someone that didn't portray to be the person that you thought they would be. No one is blaming you for that.

 

But you are 100% to be blamed for perpetuating a situation that continues to hurt and diminish your self-respect and self-esteem.

 

You posted that he has used you over and over again and yet you continue to allow yourself to be used? No one's fault but yours.

 

And trust me, most of us on here have been through what you've been through. I'm sure Katz has too. It's a choice you make. A choice to make life better for yourself by going through a temporary duration of uncomfortable pain as you detach. Until you do that and until you are ready to find your dignity, your continous need to be subjected to poor treatment is no one's fault but yours.

 

The woe is me attitude won't work. At some point you need to be accountable for your own destructive actions.

[geegirl]

And don't compare your situation to cancer or a person suffering from cancer. Cancer is not a choice.

 

You have a choice to rid what's contaminating your soul.

[KatZee]

Right, and this site is just for people pretending to be brave. to numb the pain that they say they don't feel. to be in denial. to preach to people that love is hard and breakups are easy. that what we feel is temporary and we are just holding on too long. it's our fault. we are to blame. we have low self esteem. we are weak. that's why LS was created? to create drama, to make eachother feel worse.

 

I just wanted someone to tell me the real simple truth, that yes it does suck, yes heartbreak is terribly hard, and we are all going to ***** up, but i'm here for you, to lift you up when you were kicked down. i'm here for you no matter what choice you make, no matter what mistake you decide on, no matter which poison you drink...i'm here for you.

 

it's all wrong. no one has sympathy. no one really cares. we are all strangers.

 

you don't care what i feel. you just tell me what i should feel because it helps you realize what you need to feel.

 

yea this is all just drama and we all pitch in. you step on me to raise yourself a little higher...

 

You had DOZENS of people here for you to support you and lift you up and make you feel better. But this is going on for months now. This isn't one set back where you fell off the wagon, dusted yourself off and learned, this is just a constant never ending cycle of you just acting like a piece of Play-Doh around him. If he so much as sneezes in your general direction it's like you go rushing over asking if he said something to you, or if he's changed his mind about you.

 

This is your fault at this point. You've learned nothing. Not a single thing. You continue putting yourself in hurtful situations. Not him, not any of us, not your family, not your friends. YOU. YOU are the only one in control of your life and what happens with it. No ones going to sit there and hold your hand until you're over him. That's not reality. You need to realize this and hold your own and grow as a person ON YOUR OWN.

 

As long as this guy can get a free piece out of you, he'll be sniffing around like a dog to a bone. He doesn't take you seriously at all, that is obvious. And that's why he continues barking up the free sex tree. He wants it? He's got it. He doesn't even have to do any work.

 

You're looking for love. He is not in love with you. And it's sad because you can really truly, and fully love someone, and they won't reciprocate and you don't get why. That's just life. You can't force this guy to feel what you feel, and no amount of sex or whatever you're doing with him at this point is going to make him feel it.

 

I really want you to answer this question--- WHY don't you think you deserve better? There's a reason why you don't think you're worth more, and why you think so little of yourself. This is a guy that calls you up at night to say he's driving by your house. This is a guy who's very obviously using you for a booty call when he's bored. He doesn't invite you over to his family, he doesn't even invite you out around his friends. What exactly is this guy offering to you besides a warm body and his penis? Sex is not love.

 

You have thread upon thread of amazing, excellent, helpful, and supportive advice... but at this point... I mean come on. Wake up here. Everyone here at LS is here to keep each other strong. To ensure we all stay on this wagon together and not get tossed off... and when we see people day in and day out continue to ignore the advice they are given, to continue being their own worst enemy, to continue subjecting themselves to the pain and torture, and hell that you're in... it's like... ENOUGH.

 

I think you're all out of "supportive" cards here. Now you're going to start getting the bashing and the "tough love."

 

The blame is entirely on you. You're not moving on. You're barely even trying. You got that book and did what? In one ear, right out the other. You're in extreme denial and the desperation for him to love you just 1/10th of how much you love him is sad. We all see it here, and I can tell you he sees it, and he's taking full advantage of that, and it's even worse. That alone should show you the kind of person he is. But you see nothing. You see nothing beyond the rose colored glasses you have on.

 

And yes, I've been where you are. I think most if not all have been where you are. It actually takes WORK to get to where I am, and where other people are. It's not as if you wake up the next day and you're fine. It's a constant battle, day in, and day out. The plethora of emotions from sadness, to extreme hatred, it's like a job dealing with everything. Putting your life back together, getting out there, learning to trust and love again. This doesn't just HAPPEN. It takes a very real and conscious effort from within. Not from someone else. No one else is going to live my life for me, and get me through the pain. And I wouldn't want anyone doing it for me. What would I learn from that?

 

You're stagnant right now. You're not growing emotionally or mentally, and you're most certainly on no path to true and lasting love. You need to be alone. You and you alone. You need counseling. You need to talk to someone to get to the root of your co-dependency and your lack of love for yourself. You need to start to make yourself happy, to redefine priorities, to understand what you need and deserve from a man.

[Calico]

it's all wrong. no one has sympathy. no one really cares. we are all strangers. you don't care what i feel.

 

I think people here care more for you than you care for yourself. If you had even the tiniest bit of concern for your well-being, you would not do what you do to yourself. Watching you is like watching someone flay themselves, quite literally. You hope for sympathy from others, and you have that, but sympathy doesn't mean that people who care will support you in your mind-boggling goal to further destroy yourself.

 

At this point I believe you need professional help and possibly medication. I'm sorry for spelling this out in such an unadorned way, but yes, what you do to yourself has crossed the line of what I feel indicates mental health. Going through these stages of confusion, despair, sadness, neediness, all the addictive clinging, all that is normal, we all have done so and still do it. But what you do is extreme, and cuddling you and telling you that "it's all right" is not going to help you.

 

It's good that you still have some fight in you. I wish you'd use that energy to push yourself away from this utterly destructive and crazily toxic situation. Sadly, though, like all drug addicts (and this relationship is your drug) you fight those who mean well, and you will do whatever it takes to protect your addiction, because you believe that you can't live without the drug. You are in no way different from a worn down heroin addict.

 

Only you can help yourself. And if you don't, you'll go under. So, what is it? Swim or sink? Because if you don't want to get better, you should let us know so that we can stop bothering.

[youngnlove89]

This is from: alwayscoffee This is the only way I can explain it.

 

"When my first instinct is to run, I do the opposite. When fear creeps in, seizing my heart, causing it to sputter and panic in my chest – I stop and breathe. Fear is, generally speaking, no one’s friend. And while I have walls like everyone else, sometimes the walls come down. Sometimes, the lines are crossed, crossed again, and then erased with an unquestionable necessity. If I decide someone, or something, is worth it – I don’t know how to back down. I don’t know how to give up. I don’t know how to walk away. And even if I did, I wouldn’t want to. No matter how terrifying. No matter how scary. Not matter how uncertain the world suddenly seems.

 

Because we either fight for what we need, despite the difficulties, or we give it up. Because we either expose our hearts and ourselves, or we shut them in the dark where they inevitable diminish. What – or who – we fight for is never an idle thing. Our dreams. Our hopes. Our possibilities. They are all stitched into the lining of our souls. It is not an easy thing to recognize, but often when the day is done, and the sky is painted brilliantly, we know what we want. We know, even if it’s hard to admit."

[youngnlove89]

I do not resort to MEDICATIONS or paying an absurd amount of money, to sit there and have some random stranger with glasses and a pen and paper listen to me ramble and then "diagnose" me like I'm not a human being and feelings are wrong to feel. Please.

 

No. That is not the answer. This is a broken heart not a flippin mental case.

 

Enough. I'm logging off.

 

Best wishes to all of you!!

 

Thank you for all the support but it is time for me to log out now.

[Calico]

This is all just blah blah and more excuses. You either want to get better and do what it takes to get better, or you want to remain in that emotional s.hithole and keep feeling sorry for yourself. These are the two choices you have. The only two choices. Everything else is just soap opera drama.

 

So, you want to get better or you want to shed more crocodile tears over how hard life is for you?

[Simon Phoenix]

I have no one to blame but myself? It's all my fault? These are foolish statements.

 

Why is the blame on me? Why is the word blame even brought up? Should I go sit in a corner until I learn my lesson? Should you put me in handcuffs and lock me away because it's "my fault"?

 

That's like telling a cancer patient that they are to blame. They were given this body, they didn't take care of it...so they got cancer. I didn't take care of my heart, so I got a broken heart. You can't control what you don't know. I didn't chose to fall in love with Mr. Unavailable. I had no idea this was going to happen to me and it's my fault because I didn't see it coming? What I saw in the begginning was a future, and by the time I realized there was no future, it was too late, my destiny was a broken heart. The "cancer" (aka love in this situation) had already spread. I was bed ridden, heart-illed and the only cure is for him to love me the same way I love him.

 

Nobody wants this. Nobody wants cancer or a broken heart (or a Mr. Unavailable). Let's just play the blame game because it's much easier to define it as a fault than to even fathom the idea that maybe ***** just happens. Maybe there is no reason. Why do we always have to have a reason, an answer, a definition? Why can't it just be? Why can't I just be in love with someone who isn't available?

 

I tried for 16 days to let him go. Do you know how hard that was? I told him to leave me alone. That was unbelieveably hard! He came back. I did my best. It's hard to fight an illness when it won't leave you alone.

 

Like cancer, love lays dormant in your body until one random day it awakens. Out of nowhere, for no reason and for no justification. It just happens. It could happen to anyone. It's doesn't prey on any certain host.

 

So when it happens to someone else, when I find out that the person I love doesn't love me back, you have the audacity to reek blame on me because "I chose this," because since it hasn't happened to you, this is preventible? Since you were able to let go of your Mr. Unavailable, it should be EASY for me too?! What you don't feel or see is abnormal? I'm at fault because I can't let go of someone I love? You can't feel what I feel (obviously). You can't see what I see in him. So how can you tell me that it should be so easy to let go? You obviously haven't been where I am. OR you wouldn't say something so cruel.

 

Congratulations. You've won the award for the most inappropriate analogy of the week. Yes, you are to blame. Not for the breakup, but for the drama after the breakup. It's not like he pulled a John Cusack in Say Anything and sat outside your place holding a boombox over his head blaring "In Your Eyes." He texted the word "hi". If you are going to let your ex pull the "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" on you at least make him make a concerted effort to do so. He said "hi", and not even in person. So yes, it's 100 percent your fault and I stand by what I said before, you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. You clearly do not if that's all it takes.

 

Anyway, if that's the route you want to take fine, it's your life. But don't be that easy and then come here complaining how you are being mistreated, how you are the victim. And don't ever compare your situation to a person who is suffering a terminal illness. That's just wrong on every level.