Author Vedorian Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 Look, a lot of your story fits mine to a T. Based on what you are saying you feel, try to break down each individual issue and the fear it holds for you. First, sex with the other guy. You seem like the kind of person that hate's confrontation and will do nearly anything to keep the life you know humming smoothly along forever. Your wife's cheating dumps this upside down, but you are probably willing to forgive her just to get your life back to normal. Even though this is a really bad thing to do as your pain and anger won't go away just because you want them to, this is often the first response by the betrayed spouse. The pain and confusion is overwhelming so you grab for anything that looks like it will make things better. Next, your wife has given you a sort-of ultimatum regarding her having sex with other guys. The reason this adds to your fear is that you've done the math and realize that this is completely unacceptable and will lead quickly to divorce. This goes straight to your fear of physical and emotional abandonment - something that frightens just about all of us to the core. Your fear is understandable and is shared by nearly all of the BS's here. Finally, your fear of "becoming an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone". This is another fear shared by nearly all BS's and is something that can keep us trapped in a sick marriage. Right now all of these fears are rolled up together and are overwhelming you. You need to stop being paralyzed by all this fear and take action - actually doing something for yourself. If you were my brother asking me for advice I would urge you to pack some things and leave for a while. Move in with a friend or family or get a small apartment. Just put some distance between you and your wife to minimize the gaslighting and general manipulation she is doing to you. This will also show her that you are not going to stand for her bull***** and she's going to lose you if she continues her unacceptable behavior. You need to start working on your own recovery so find a counselor as soon as possible. Take care of yourself right now so you are able to make better decisions about your wife and marriage later on. Whether you reconcile with her or not you need to address the irrational fears that are paralyzing you with a counselor. Be strong. Thanks so much for the post. And yes I feel like you wrote alot of exactly what I am feeling. The big fear i have about moving out is that it will drive her into someone else's arms if go. Specifically this guy she is "interested in exploring with" that she works with. I still believe her when she tells me that they have not done anything.... yet. 1
Author Vedorian Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 Unfortunately it appears that way. I would guess your wife knows you think of her as sort of "out of your league" so she was hoping you would be desperate enough to keep her to accept that arrangement.. And she could do whatever she wants out in the open? You deserve better. I just am still finding it so hard to believe that after 12 years together, 7 married, that I missed that she was this kind of person. It is like I was living a fake life.
jnj express Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Did you know your wife in Hi School-----if so, did she date a lot, and did she have sex with her BF's back then----if not---it is very possible, since the 2 of you have been exclusive since age 21, at least you hope exclusive---- She missed spreading her wild oats, she missed the normal dating around period, that those who marry later on---have, and get it out of their system. It is possible she wants to experience what other women, experienced---that she wants to be with other men, and go thru the part of her life, that she feels she missed Obviously doing what she has done to you, is not right, and she should have asked for a D, before trampling your heart, and soul----but it is a very possible reason for what she is throwing at you, at this point Other possibility, she is just bored, to her, mge is now same old, same old---and she wants to experience new things, excitement---and unfortunately to her that includes other men---mge. is very hard work---and maybe she is just not cut out to stay in a mge, with one man for the rest of her life. You probably need to let her go---and believe me---you WILL be fine---and you WILL find another GOOD woman to be with---you have a long life ahead of you---and the sun WILL come up manana
Author Vedorian Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 Did you know your wife in Hi School-----if so, did she date a lot, and did she have sex with her BF's back then----if not---it is very possible, since the 2 of you have been exclusive since age 21, at least you hope exclusive---- She missed spreading her wild oats, she missed the normal dating around period, that those who marry later on---have, and get it out of their system. It is possible she wants to experience what other women, experienced---that she wants to be with other men, and go thru the part of her life, that she feels she missed Obviously doing what she has done to you, is not right, and she should have asked for a D, before trampling your heart, and soul----but it is a very possible reason for what she is throwing at you, at this point Other possibility, she is just bored, to her, mge is now same old, same old---and she wants to experience new things, excitement---and unfortunately to her that includes other men---mge. is very hard work---and maybe she is just not cut out to stay in a mge, with one man for the rest of her life. You probably need to let her go---and believe me---you WILL be fine---and you WILL find another GOOD woman to be with---you have a long life ahead of you---and the sun WILL come up manana I think that it was something I could have been open to if we did these kinds of things as a team, if she really felt the need to do it. I guess she didn't feel comfortable enough with me there. Or she is being selfish and wants her cake and wants to eat it too. So tonight is our first couples counseling session. I pray that it goes well. Scared as hell, but my heart tells me to fight for it until the bitter end.
drifter777 Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 Thanks so much for the post. And yes I feel like you wrote alot of exactly what I am feeling. The big fear i have about moving out is that it will drive her into someone else's arms if go. Specifically this guy she is "interested in exploring with" that she works with. I still believe her when she tells me that they have not done anything.... yet. I also suffered from severe panic attacks back then and still have a "manageable" case of panic disorder to this day. The attacks started before my wife's cheating, but they got worse while I was reeling to make sense of it all. So I understand the depth and ferocity of the fear you are dealing with. Look, this is not going to be easy. You need to work with an individual counselor and probably need some drug therapy to help you cope with this. What you need to believe that it is your intense fear of abandonment and loneliness that is fueling your "acceptance" of her infidelity. Your willingness to provide her with cheap forgiveness is only an attempt to ease your immediate suffering. I guarantee it will blow up in your face in the near future. When you suffer from a panic disorder you are willing to do ANYTHING to relieve the horror of panic attacks. Those that don't understand this don't know how lucky they are. A severe panic attack is worse than anything they can imagine. Vedorian, what I'm telling you is both difficult and scary to accept but I know what I'm talking about because I've been there. Find an individual counselor that specializes in panic disorder and start seeing them ASAP. Don't wait to feel "secure" about your current situation because that may take years and you will suffer continual damage over that time. You need to separate from your wife right now. Just screw up all the courage you can muster and leave. You've made it clear you can never accept her continual cheating and that you will never trust her now that she has made her intentions to screw other guys clear to you. Take action by showing her you will not accept this situation and turn your back on her. If she wants to work things out then she will come to you and beg your forgiveness. Anything short of that makes any attempt at reconciliation futile. And if you finally get to a point where you attempt reconciliation, face every ugly facet of her cheating head on. Even if you try, you may find the damage is irreparable but the process could be important to your own recovery. It's all about action now, and action will do more to ease your fears than anything else right now. You need to leave and put her in the rear-view mirror. It's all on her if she decides she wants to repair the marriage. You need to take a leap of faith that acting as if you have strength will actually give you the strength you need. It's going to be hard, but you can do this.
Ellin Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 (edited) Did you know your wife in Hi School-----if so, did she date a lot, and did she have sex with her BF's back then----if not---it is very possible, since the 2 of you have been exclusive since age 21, at least you hope exclusive---- She missed spreading her wild oats, she missed the normal dating around period, that those who marry later on---have, and get it out of their system. It is possible she wants to experience what other women, experienced---that she wants to be with other men, and go thru the part of her life, that she feels she missed Obviously doing what she has done to you, is not right, and she should have asked for a D, before trampling your heart, and soul----but it is a very possible reason for what she is throwing at you, at this point Other possibility, she is just bored, to her, mge is now same old, same old---and she wants to experience new things, excitement---and unfortunately to her that includes other men---mge. is very hard work---and maybe she is just not cut out to stay in a mge, with one man for the rest of her life. You probably need to let her go---and believe me---you WILL be fine---and you WILL find another GOOD woman to be with---you have a long life ahead of you---and the sun WILL come up manana My bet is that OP's W is just taking him for granted. He's been probably giving her continuous signals that he would do ANYTHING for her (and accept anything from her) because he could not bear losing her, which has made her believe that she can both have and eat her cake. Human nature... He has also been signalling that he feels lucky to have her, in other words, that she actually deserves someone better, so she took his word for it, so to speak. Vedorian, this approach has not worked for you. You need to make her feel that SHE is lucky to have YOU and that you will not be there no matter what. That you will walk if she disrespect you ever again. Appearing needy and desperate can be a turn-off. You lean towards staying partly out of fear that leaving would push her into the other guy's arms, so you are willing to watch her every move and live in constant fear that she might be with him whenever she's not with you? If she wants to go to him, she could do it whether you stay with her or not. But if you leave she might realise what she lost. If you leave and she doesn't come after you and try to win you back, then you would know that she didn't love you enough for this marriage to survive.. But I understand that you might not feel ready right now to find that out.. Edited October 5, 2012 by Ellin
2sunny Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 (edited) Thanks so much for the post. And yes I feel like you wrote alot of exactly what I am feeling. The big fear i have about moving out is that it will drive her into someone else's arms if go. Specifically this guy she is "interested in exploring with" that she works with. I still believe her when she tells me that they have not done anything.... yet. My guess is that she's already doing things with him that she hasn't told you yet... She asked for permission to cheat. Good for you in having enough self respect to say NO! Stand firm... It's not easy doing what's right - but you ARE doing the right thing. She's not the woman you thought she COULD be. She's selfish and self centered! Be strong! Hugs! Edited October 5, 2012 by 2sunny
Author Vedorian Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 Well we had our first group therapy session last night. Wish that it went better, but it could have been a lot worse. I know that we can’t fix our issues in one session, so I never expected a full answer last night. Some good thing were that I was able to effectively communicate with her how hurt, left behind, and disrespected I felt over what she did and what she was thinking of doing. I flat out asked for an honest answer if there was anything else that had ever happened over the course of our time together and she said nothing else had ever happened. I believe her. The thing that bothers me is how calm she is in telling it to me, and that she is still not sure of whether these are just feelings, or if this is some lifestyle that she wants to live. The thing that I demanded, and I drew this line in the sand, was that I will never be okay with, and our marriage will be over, if something ever happens again outside of our bed. I guess that is where I will stand for the time being. I know I am going to have to get in touch with the hurt that I have and suppressed anger about what she already did to me. I am willing to discuss bringing some variety into our bedroom in some way, but it needs to be something we do and agree on as a team. So like I said, everything can’t be fixed in a one hour session, but I’m sure it could have gone better as well. I think the most difficult part is getting it out of my head throughout the day, and how we try and go back to a normal life while trying to work this stuff out. It is soooo f'ing quiet and awkward right now at home. I just want to relax a bit.
jnj express Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 One very LARGE warning to you---you bring variely into your sex life, in the form of other humans---YOU ARE PLAYING WITH FIRE You can read and read and read---and you sill see in almost every instance on all these forums---where the couple participated in kinky open sex----one of the spouses ended up regretting that the openess EVER HAPPENED You would be allowing your wife to get herself involved with another man/woman---and that will backfire on you---in ways to numerous to even go into 1
Darren Steez Posted October 7, 2012 Posted October 7, 2012 Wait a minute, she already gave a guy a blow job, now she wants permission to screw him? Love is often cruel, especially when the partner knows the other partner well and how to manipulate because they know they could possible get away with BS. I'm pissed for you as I'm sure many people are but guy, please please let her know this ain't okay, she already cheated, most likely banged him, she didn't ask for permission then, what's to say she's not going to keep on banging him without your permission? Christ what ever happened to fidelity, the more I read on this site the more I don't want to marry, fideilty seems like some quaint ideal, everybody just wants their piece, **** the other person.
Recommended Posts