New to the forums, hurting so very much...

[Vedorian]

Hello all, I was doing a google search on "my wife wants an open marriage how do I cope" and it led me here. It's helpful to know that a place like this exists.

 

I am 33 years old and my wife is 33 as well. She came to the decision two weeks ago to tell me that after 12 years of being together and 7 years married:

 

A) She does not want to have children. Even though we had discussed it many times over the years together and new that i wanted children. She felt that she can't do it. This is actually okay in the end. I came to a happy decision that I could spend the rest of my life without children as long as I had her, the love of my life.

 

B) She is intrigued by the idea of an open marriage and believes that she has friends (male) with whom she feels she has a deep connection to ans wants to experiment in a physical relationship with them. But she also says that she LOVES me, and that she is not going anywhere, that she wants to stay with me.

 

C) She finally came out with that during a trip to see old friends in Las Vegas (We live on the East Coast) that she and her friend (male) hooked up and had oral sex.

 

this all happened within a two week span. I SWEAR to you that i never saw this coming. i thought we had a happy marriage and that things were going well. This has completely devastated me in a way I never expected. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I can't function well at work. I start feeling panic every few minutes and it builds up throughout the day. The most difficult thing about this is that i was trying to rationalize in my head that i could live this life if i wanted to spend it with her, but it hurts, it hurts more than i ever knew i could hurt.

 

Last night I told her that I love her with all of my heart, but i cannot live this life that she wants. Marriage is a commitment of trust and fidelity, and if she really wants this life, then I cannot be a part of it. I will remember this conversation for the rest of my life. It was so calm and not hysterical. Just purely sad for both sides. She doesn't want to hurt me like this (that's what she says, and I believe her) but she also believes that she needs to be true to herself. She doesn't want to throw away the life that we have made with each other, and neither do i in truth, but the pain will be there forever, and I feel I need to respect myself more than to let this happen.

 

I think my question is this: I can't see my pain ending. i love this woman and i truly feel like I will for the rest of my existence. I don't feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and if things don't change within our marriage, we will end up divorcing and I feel I will probably be alone for the rest of myu life. I always felt like i was lucky to have such an attractive, and kind wife, considering I am an ugly fat guy who probably only won her over with my wit. I am too old to go back into the dating scene. I just aqm crippled by this whole situation. How do i find something to hold onto to help me realize that this will get better with time?

 

I realize that there is alot more to my back story and I will answer any questions you all may have to the best of my ability. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

 

Ved.

[underwater2010]

The only way this marriage will work, is if you are willing to let her sleep around. It does not sound like you are willing to share her though.

 

I always felt like i was lucky to have such an attractive, and kind wife, considering I am an ugly fat guy who probably only won her over with my wit.

 

She might be attractive on the outside, but she is ugly on the inside and forget her being kind. She had oral SEX with another man and asked to you consent to an open marriage. If she was kind she would have discussed this with you before hand. And just so you know there are many woman that enjoy men with a great wit. It is scary for anyone to date again later in their life. But a lot of people have success.

[amaysngrace]

I'm sorry that you are in a bad place.

 

When I was thinking of divorce I had a very big fear that no man would want me because I was a single parent and a host of all kinds of bad things that I believed about myself due to being emotionally abused.

 

It sounds as if you are very down on yourself right now and it's possibly due to realizing that you aren't enough for your wife. And that may be true but it does not mean that you won't be enough for someone else.

 

Before filing for my divorce I went onto a dating site and created a profile. I never met anyone that way but I was amazed at the hits I had received from interested guys.

 

I suggest you do the same.

[JamesM]

Your wife does not want children because she does not want to stay married to you. She wants an open marriage because she met a man who intrigues her more than you. Basically, she wants to try this guy out before leaving you. Let her "be true to herself." My guess is that she will regret her decision.

 

I don't mean to be harsh. Truly. I felt your pain as I read your story, and I see this open marriage idea ending your marriage as you do.

 

When/if (because this "crush" will wear off and she very well could be back) she comes back to you, then the question is: what will you do? Will you take someone back who has already shown her willingness to destroy your feelings and selfishly pursue her desires? Or will you realize that you are worth more than that and deserve someone who treats you that way?

 

You will be okay. You will survive. And I predict that you will find someone else who is more worthy of your love. You are only 33, and have a lot of life to live. The next lady will probably share your goal in having children, too.

 

As hard as it is right now to see pas the pain and loss, I truly think that your life will get better.

[Vedorian]

The only way this marriage will work, is if you are willing to let her sleep around. It does not sound like you are willing to share her though.

 

I always felt like i was lucky to have such an attractive, and kind wife, considering I am an ugly fat guy who probably only won her over with my wit.

 

She might be attractive on the outside, but she is ugly on the inside and forget her being kind. She had oral SEX with another man and asked to you consent to an open marriage. If she was kind she would have discussed this with you before hand. And just so you know there are many woman that enjoy men with a great wit. It is scary for anyone to date again later in their life. But a lot of people have success.

 

 

Thanks for the honest words. I know in the end you are right, but the problem i have is that I still love her, and I haven;t gotten to the point where I want to think of her as a bad person. I'm sure I will get there someday soon, as I go through the stages of loss, but I'm just not there yet.

 

I know I have to work on myself, and I have alot of plans to do just that.

[Vedorian]

Your wife does not want children because she does not want to stay married to you. She wants an open marriage because she met a man who intrigues her more than you. Basically, she wants to try this guy out before leaving you. Let her "be true to herself." My guess is that she will regret her decision.

 

I don't mean to be harsh. Truly. I felt your pain as I read your story, and I see this open marriage idea ending your marriage as you do.

 

When/if (because this "crush" will wear off and she very well could be back) she comes back to you, then the question is: what will you do? Will you take someone back who has already shown her willingness to destroy your feelings and selfishly pursue her desires? Or will you realize that you are worth more than that and deserve someone who treats you that way?

 

You will be okay. You will survive. And I predict that you will find someone else who is more worthy of your love. You are only 33, and have a lot of life to live. The next lady will probably share your goal in having children, too.

 

As hard as it is right now to see pas the pain and loss, I truly think that your life will get better.

Thank you so much for your response. That is a very good question you ask. If she changes her mind on this, what will I do? I feel like I could forgive her for what happened in the past and I could slowly rebuild my trust in her over time. I just cannot live an open marriage. It is not what I signed up for. When i said my vows, I meant them. Marriage is supposed to be about trust and commitment, and having that someone to walk this road with forever. She doesn't want to do that, it seems, with me anymore.

 

My hardest situation is that I have frankly, never lived on my own. After college i moved back in with the parents to save money and we got married a few short years later and moved in together. I am scared of being alone. Would anyone know of any resources to deal with that? it's okay if not, I'm just looking for as much help as possible.

 

 

Thanks again.

[TaraMaiden]

I hate to be blunt, and I kid you not - get in touch with the local university and offer spare room rental, or the police station to offer board and lodgings for any visiting police officer (it happens here in the UK - police officers occasionally get seconded to other areas for a brief period, either to infill or train in a new skill....)

Get a dog. A pet which gives you unconditional love and takes you out of yourself is a bonus. having to care for a creature that depends on you, is extremely rewarding.

Oh, and JamesM's advice?

Spot-on.

When you get to know him like we have, you'll know his words have profound sense and a huge experience behind their wisdom.

 

Trust me on that one.

[underwater2010]

Don't be to hard on yourself. It is never easy to let someone go that you love. And it is even harder to look at their true character. When you are ready it will happen. Just know that there are plenty of people that have walked in your shoes. Just take it a day at a time and remember that there is plenty of support here if you need it.

[underwater2010]

An open marriage takes two married people to consent....not two APs. His wife is a cheater plan and simple.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Your questions are forward thinking about dealing with being alone.

 

I'd say figure out what you want to do in life. Is there something you haven't done because of your wife? Now's the time to tackle whatever that is!

 

Do you have kids? You can focus on them if so.

 

Go to the gym, work out. You'll feel so much better about yourself. I was overweight when my wife started her affair. Now I'm about a pound or two from the "People's choice" weight for my height. I recommend lean cuisines and running if yout knees can handle it, otherwise something else that gets your whole body moving.

 

Also, are you entitled to spousal support? Might want to read up on that if you haven't.

Edited October 2, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband
(ugh I hate Word... editing out xml crap)

[twosadthings]

"True to herself", "the life your have made together", "deep connection with male friends". You don't have a wife you have a roommate who views you as a co-renter/financer of your lives.

 

She has moved beyond your dreams of a future shared between the two of you and you need to make some new dreams of a future without her.

 

Get your finances in order, see a lawyer, move out and file for divorce.

[whichwayisup]

Last night I told her that I love her with all of my heart, but i cannot live this life that she wants. Marriage is a commitment of trust and fidelity, and if she really wants this life, then I cannot be a part of it. I will remember this conversation for the rest of my life. It was so calm and not hysterical. Just purely sad for both sides. She doesn't want to hurt me like this (that's what she says, and I believe her) but she also believes that she needs to be true to herself. She doesn't want to throw away the life that we have made with each other, and neither do i in truth, but the pain will be there forever, and I feel I need to respect myself more than to let this happen.

 

It is actually very simple. Either she stays married to you and seeks some counselling to help her get over her desires to experiment with other men, and together you two can spice up your sex life (porn, roll play, fantasy one on one) OR, it's divorce.

 

I feel your pain through your words and unfortunately, as much as you love your wife, she loves you too but it's not enough..For some reason.

 

She can't have it both ways. She's already cheated on you and who knows if she will again.

 

I think my question is this: I can't see my pain ending. i love this woman and i truly feel like I will for the rest of my existence. I don't feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and if things don't change within our marriage, we will end up divorcing and I feel I will probably be alone for the rest of myu life. I always felt like i was lucky to have such an attractive, and kind wife, considering I am an ugly fat guy who probably only won her over with my wit. I am too old to go back into the dating scene. I just aqm crippled by this whole situation. How do i find something to hold onto to help me realize that this will get better with time?

 

Everybody feels this way..Never get over the pain, never will get involved with anybody else again, be alone forever.. Right now you feel this way, rightfully so! Just take it one day at a time. You have family and friends who will support you through this.

 

You are wonderful man and have a huge heart. Thousands of women would be lucky to have an honest, faithful and genuine man by their side.

[BetrayedH]

Infidelity sucks sh|t. Rest assured that you are not alone. Half of marriages end up in divorce. I'd bet damn near all of them involve an unfaithful partner. I spent 5 years dating my wife before we got engaged, another year and a half before we got married, and another 12 years married with two kids before I found out which 50% I was in. My wife did it with some real flair that I sure as hell didn't see coming.

 

Look, you're going to internalize this for a while. It sucks to feel rejected. Reaching acceptance is one of the last stages and healing takes not weeks or months but years. But what you have to realize is that you did not cause this. Your wife had a choice to either fix the marriage or leave it. Those were the ethical, respectful, and healthy options for her. She instead chose to blow some other dude. Nice solution to your marital problems, sweetheart. This is a symptom of a broken person. She made an unethical, disrespectful, unhealthy, and destructive choice that probably violated her own standards. Like I said, broken person. You didn't do this. The reason she is this way probably stems from her family of origin that made her either extremely conflict avoidant, gave her an excessive need for external validation, or left her with an over developed sense of entitlement. This was not about you; it was about her and her loose boundaries.

 

As for loving her, no you don't. You love who you think she was. That's not who she is. And THAT takes a long time to wrap your head around. i would bet you never considered this to even be possible. It's like some surreal nightmare from which you just hope you will wake up. You sound like a stand up guy with some real internal values around family and fidelity. I think good people generally tend to look for the good in others. And when we love someone, we tend to project our values onto them, believing that they feel the same. Clearly she didn't. And you may even have had some warning signs early in your relationship that her values weren't the same but you dismissed them.

 

But she isn't that great gal you've had up on a pedestal. In fact she is quite broken and pretty damn deep in the rabbit hole (and still going). You need to start making decisions with your head and not with your emotions. Her behavior is not acceptable. You did not and do not deserve this treatment. You need to get firm and do it quick. Your best bet right now is to detach - pack her things and tell her to leave and be with her OM. Then you go and file for divorce. If you want any hope of knocking her out of this fog, the reality of her choices need to hit her square in the forehead. Show her exactly what she is losing. Show her a man that respects himself and perhaps she will respect you. Every minute you accept this treatment, she loses respect for you. She wants an open marriage to avoid the drama of her choices, to eliminate the exposure of her shameful behavior to her family, friends, and coworkers. She wants to have her cake and eat it, too. This needs to be completely freakin' uncomfortable for her. You don't have to be harsh but you have to set your boundary for behavior that you will tolerate and what is unacceptable. Man up. Her affair is likely to crumble. If she comes crawling back, you can decide if you want to attempt a reconciliation with her. If she doesn't, good thing you filed for divorce already.

 

I wish you luck, sir. It's a sh|t sandwich she's handed to you to eat. I hope you decide not to eat it. This is on her, not on you.

 

By the way, I lost 38 lbs during my drama. Take advantage of it. Rebuild the new you. There IS life after this. Keep your self-respect and it will happen sooner rather than later.

Edited October 2, 2012 by BetrayedH

[drifter777]

My hardest situation is that I have frankly, never lived on my own. After college i moved back in with the parents to save money and we got married a few short years later and moved in together. I am scared of being alone. Would anyone know of any resources to deal with that? it's okay if not, I'm just looking for as much help as possible.

Thanks again.

 

Look, a lot of your story fits mine to a T. Based on what you are saying you feel, try to break down each individual issue and the fear it holds for you.

 

First, sex with the other guy. You seem like the kind of person that hate's confrontation and will do nearly anything to keep the life you know humming smoothly along forever. Your wife's cheating dumps this upside down, but you are probably willing to forgive her just to get your life back to normal. Even though this is a really bad thing to do as your pain and anger won't go away just because you want them to, this is often the first response by the betrayed spouse. The pain and confusion is overwhelming so you grab for anything that looks like it will make things better.

 

Next, your wife has given you a sort-of ultimatum regarding her having sex with other guys. The reason this adds to your fear is that you've done the math and realize that this is completely unacceptable and will lead quickly to divorce. This goes straight to your fear of physical and emotional abandonment - something that frightens just about all of us to the core. Your fear is understandable and is shared by nearly all of the BS's here.

 

Finally, your fear of "becoming an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone". This is another fear shared by nearly all BS's and is something that can keep us trapped in a sick marriage.

 

Right now all of these fears are rolled up together and are overwhelming you. You need to stop being paralyzed by all this fear and take action - actually doing something for yourself. If you were my brother asking me for advice I would urge you to pack some things and leave for a while. Move in with a friend or family or get a small apartment. Just put some distance between you and your wife to minimize the gaslighting and general manipulation she is doing to you. This will also show her that you are not going to stand for her bull***** and she's going to lose you if she continues her unacceptable behavior. You need to start working on your own recovery so find a counselor as soon as possible.

 

Take care of yourself right now so you are able to make better decisions about your wife and marriage later on. Whether you reconcile with her or not you need to address the irrational fears that are paralyzing you with a counselor. Be strong.

Edited October 2, 2012 by drifter777

[SidLyon]

...

 

By the way, I lost 38 lbs during my drama. Take advantage of it. Rebuild the new you. There IS life after this. Keep your self-respect and it will happen sooner rather than later.

 

I agree with most of what's been posted here. You don't need to decided right now whether or not you will break up or stay together.

 

What you do need to do though is to let your wife know that you are not going to tolerate sharing her. I'm basing this on your comments that this is one thing you definitely do not want ever, so you may as well lay this boundary down now. Everything else you're unsure about, can be left for th time being as you sort yourself out. If she is not willing to end it now with the OM then she must be the one to leave.

 

This doesn't have to be permanent, but she does need to see some concrete consequences to her actions. She may or may not try to get back with you later, but with a bit of luck you will be in a better position to decide if this is what you want, as time passes.

 

Beware of the flip-flop. It is common with WHs but I'm not so sure about WWs. Perhaps someone else will say. The flip-flop is where the WS goes back and forth between their spouse and the AP and it's sheer misery for the BS.

 

One last thing, you commented you were overweight. This probably won't be the case for very long. The "infidelity diet" is unfortunately, one of the easiest ways to lose weight without giving a moment's thought to food, as I'm sure many here can testify, including myself.

[Madman81]

As for loving her, no you don't. You love who you think she was. That's not who she is. And THAT takes a long time to wrap your head around. i would bet you never considered this to even be possible. It's like some surreal nightmare from which you just hope you will wake up. You sound like a stand up guy with some real internal values around family and fidelity. I think good people generally tend to look for the good in others. And when we love someone, we tend to project our values onto them, believing that they feel the same. Clearly she didn't. And you may even have had some warning signs early in your relationship that her values weren't the same but you dismissed them.

BH gives good advice, as usual. He's been through this, as have I. The difference between you and me is that when my XW dropped the bomb, there were two small kids.

 

I bolded an important point. It's one that you won't appreciate now, but will come to in time. You're still in a state of shock -- it's a blow to the gut to learn what you've just learned, and to have to come to terms with the bolded realization.

 

YOU ARE NOT TOO OLD TO START AGAIN. 33 is, oddly enough, not a bad time for this to happen to you, as far as things go. Within the coming month or two, your grief process is going to shift from shock/disbelief into anger. When that happens, welcome it. Don't use it to assault other people -- channel it into positive things. Like rebuilding yourself. You say you're a fat ugly guy -- I'll bet that you're actually a pleasant looking, even handsome guy who's simply overweight. As SidLyon points out, though, you're probably already dropping pounds because your appetite is a fraction of what it was.

 

Being overweight is something you can change, and doing it during the angry phase is the absolute best time to do it. When I was in the thick of it, I remember coming home from work to my new, empty apartment, feeling like total crap. I'd sit there and start getting angry, until something snapped and I said "f*** this, I'm going to the gym." An hour at the gym listening to loud angry music helped the pounds melt off. Newfound attention from other women didn't hurt either.

 

You will get through this, my friend. It's bloody hard to see a future point of happiness from where you are now, but it's there. And very soon, when you're going full-tilt on remaking yourself, you're going to have a very powerful realization: that she isn't worthy of you. You were an honest, dedicated, faithful, loving guy that she threw away... for what? The freedom to sleep with other people? Any enjoyment she gets from that will only last so long, and she'll be right back where she is: unhappy with her life. She'll realize what she threw away. You're the prize here. Not her.

 

Hang in there man... this isn't the end. It's the beginning.

Edited October 2, 2012 by Madman81

[Ellin]

Vedorian, my impression is that you have been giving much more credit to your W than she deserves because she is attractive and at the same time you have a negative view of yourself.

 

Maybe, just maybe, you will come to realise that you are lucky that she has shown her true colours now, when it definitely isn't too late for your at all. 33 isn't old, lots of people these days get married for the first time in their mid-thirties and being a man, you have plenty of time to start a family.

 

So you might as well find yourself in a new relationship with a lady who will share your precious values and will have your babies.

 

As for being "fat", this is something you can change. I'm not saying that you should because I'm sure that many women would like you the way you are (even if you don't believe this) but it could be a good idea just to make you feel better and give a very tangible task to focus on.

[GLDheart]

...The "infidelity diet" is unfortunately, one of the easiest ways to lose weight... I'm sure many here can testify...

 

I lost 27 pounds in a blink... I've put back nothing but 15 pounds of lean muscle.

 

Get to the gym. The endorphins will make you feel great. I, having loved my fiancee for a decade, had ceased even noticeing if other women looked at me... But I don't know if it's the new physique or just me being attentive again for the first time in a decade, but there are PLENTY of women out there checking us guys out.

 

And about your age... 33?! Come on man. You can date anyone from 25 on up and have TONS in common. In fact there are a zillion women right around 30 hearing a little tick tock and looking for a guy just like you.

 

I know you are still attached to your ex. I don't blame you. It makes you a good man. That will pass with whatever time it takes. There is no rush. But please... don't stay there as a door mat while she uses you for your comfort and then gets her sex on with other guys. GROSS.

Edited October 3, 2012 by GLDheart

[Artie Lang]

for some reason i feel you'll be giving in just so you won't be alone.

 

please don't.

[BetrayedH]

BH gives good advice, as usual. He's been through this, as have I. The difference between you and me is that when my XW dropped the bomb, there were two small kids.

 

I bolded an important point. It's one that you won't appreciate now, but will come to in time. You're still in a state of shock -- it's a blow to the gut to learn what you've just learned, and to have to come to terms with the bolded realization.

 

YOU ARE NOT TOO OLD TO START AGAIN. 33 is, oddly enough, not a bad time for this to happen to you, as far as things go. Within the coming month or two, your grief process is going to shift from shock/disbelief into anger. When that happens, welcome it. Don't use it to assault other people -- channel it into positive things. Like rebuilding yourself. You say you're a fat ugly guy -- I'll bet that you're actually a pleasant looking, even handsome guy who's simply overweight. As SidLyon points out, though, you're probably already dropping pounds because your appetite is a fraction of what it was.

 

Being overweight is something you can change, and doing it during the angry phase is the absolute best time to do it. When I was in the thick of it, I remember coming home from work to my new, empty apartment, feeling like total crap. I'd sit there and start getting angry, until something snapped and I said "f*** this, I'm going to the gym." An hour at the gym listening to loud angry music helped the pounds melt off. Newfound attention from other women didn't hurt either.

 

You will get through this, my friend. It's bloody hard to see a future point of happiness from where you are now, but it's there. And very soon, when you're going full-tilt on remaking yourself, you're going to have a very powerful realization: that she isn't worthy of you. You were an honest, dedicated, faithful, loving guy that she threw away... for what? The freedom to sleep with other people? Any enjoyment she gets from that will only last so long, and she'll be right back where she is: unhappy with her life. She'll realize what she threw away. You're the prize here. Not her.

 

Hang in there man... this isn't the end. It's the beginning.

 

Other than the compliment about my advice, this is a really good post.

 

Second life, my friend.

[robf1971]

wife, considering I am an ugly fat guy who probably only won her over with my wit. I am too old to go back into the dating scene. I just aqm crippled by this whole situation. How do i find something to hold onto to help me realize that this will get better with time?

 

 

Ved.

 

Do what you think is completely wrong and counter intuitive!! When your car has a burst tyre at 70mph, the 'right' thing to do is to hit the brake, something that will surely get you killed. The 'wrong' thing is to slowly let your foot of the accelerator and you will walk away.

 

In the same way the 'right' thing to do is to cling, beg and blame yourself, something that will surely push her even further away. The right thing is you calmly to your wife....

 

'wife, You're right, things haven't been right for a long time, in fact I've changed my mind I think it's best if we both see other people, so I've packed your bags and want you to move out to your boyfriend. I'll even help you move out'

 

Then calmly walk away, pack her bags and consult a lawyer.

[Madman81]

Other than the compliment about my advice, this is a really good post.

 

Second life, my friend.

Thanks dude.

 

Vedorian, I probably focused a bit much on the gym/weight loss thing in my above post. Certainly, that's an important and valuable component of your recovery/moving on process.

 

But it shouldn't be the only component. The best overall advice I can give you is to use this as an opportunity to reinvent yourself. Consider a new haircut. Buy some new clothes, a bit different from what you might usually wear. Take up a new recreational team sport. Volunteer for something interesting. Use the internet -- I bet there are organizations or businesses in your area that arrange meet-ups for single people on a casual basis. Try things you've never tried before. Listen to new music. The idea is to (a) keep yourself busy, (b) find out if there are things you're into that you didn't know about, and © make your life more interesting and enjoyable than it has been before.

 

And, very impotantly -- get together with your friends. Confide in your closest friends -- they are and should be a source of support in times like this.

[Ellin]

Your wife is manipulative, conniving, and knows exactly how to play on your emotions. She is what you call a cake eater, she wants her cake by staying with you for her own selfish reasons, and also wants to experiment sexually with other men.

Unfortunately it appears that way. I would guess your wife knows you think of her as sort of "out of your league" so she was hoping you would be desperate enough to keep her to accept that arrangement.. And she could do whatever she wants out in the open?

 

You deserve better.

[robf1971]

Unfortunately it appears that way. I would guess your wife knows you think of her as sort of "out of your league" so she was hoping you would be desperate enough to keep her to accept that arrangement.. And she could do whatever she wants out in the open?

 

You deserve better.

 

You have your wife on a pedestal, therefore she has ZERO respect for you. Without respect there can be no love. The only way you can get other people to respect you is to respect yourself.

 

I remember when my wife was going out all the time, never inviting me. One night I told her your gonna need to babysit or stay home I'm off out to a house party. I never saw such a quick turnaround in my life 'b b but don't you have a wife to take with you' er no sorry, thought you never wanted to invite me, goodnight

[Vedorian]

First, I want to thank everyone for their time and help in responding to my post. It means a TON to know that I am not alone in this. logically I realize I am not the first person to have been cheated on, but my shock and metal and physical reaction to everything has been to feel despair and loneliness. It's only been about two weeks total since I knew that she was feeling this way and that she wants to explore these options. In fact it was only five days ago (last Friday night) that she told me about her sexual infidelity from over a year ago and that she really came out and was honest about her interest in exploring sexually with other people.

 

I hear what EVERY single one of you is saying and that I can do better. I realize that I have a very low self esteem and that perhaps that is leading to the feelings I am having during my panic attacks of VAST loneliness.

 

My heart is telling me to keep trying. To keep her aware of how much I have loved her and that i would have done anything for her. i would have listened to her talk things out for days unending. I also realize that I cannot live in a life where she is using me as a "security blanket" to come home to every night after she gets her rocks off possibly with someone else.

 

I actually don't feel that much pain over the fact that she cheated on me. What does hurt me immensely is that she does not regret it. She says that she regrets that she has hurt me, but you and I know that it is not the same thing.

 

I cannot live in a marriage where I would be happy and fine for weeks on end, who knows? But the day she says that she is "going out", or "I'll be home late from work..." I will know what it means and I will be devastated ALL OVER AGAIN. That is not a marriage.

 

To me marriage is about trust and commitment. Marriage is about being able to walk down this road of life while holding someone else's hand because this world is a F'd up place and noone should go it alone. She left me alone.

 

Tonight we have our first group couples counseling session, and i plan that everything will be laid out on the table. Do I hope that things change? 100%. I want my life back, the life was so proud to have worked so hard to achieve. I want my wife back, the wife who holds my heart even still. I haven't given up hope.

 

But I am also realistic in the fact that if this is something that she wants from her life, no matter how much it is going to rip my soul apart, it won't be while I am still there.

 

As I write these words, a profound sense of fear and lonliness has set in again. I am amazed by how cold it makes me feel. Literally shivering. This is going to take a lifetime to heal.

 

I think about what my life would be like without her, living on my own for the first time in my life, and it scares me to death. How can i ever find another woman that is going to want to deal with me and the baggage i will certainly have? I don't want to end up old and alone, but that is all I see.

 

I know that I have been a good, caring, loving husband, and i do not deserve this pain. Yet I STILL feel bad for her in a way because, if this does force our marriage to fall apart, I am more than positive that ALL of our friends will side with me, heck i even expect her family members to side with me. She is going to be completely alone, and I don't know what she could do to herself in that state. Is it wierd of me to have that worry?