The Dumper: Feeling Horrible

[interalia504]

Hey guys. This is my first post. I am a 26-year-old male. I wrote this reflection this morning and thought I would share it with you guys. Has anyone gone through this? Am I completely insane for breaking up?

 

Strange thing we feel – dumpers. Everything is against us. No remorse – we’re the ones to blame for what happened. It hurts us, too.

I broke up with Danielle yesterday. I can easily say it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. So much pain – the pain I had to put her through. I broke her heart. She is such a sweetheart and this certainly is not what she deserves. The pain. It was a nightmare; surreal. She said she couldn’t believe that this was happening; that it couldn’t be real. I woke up this morning wishing I could have just stayed asleep; stayed unconscious for eternity. No one should have to do what I did last night.

Why did I do it? I felt like I was somehow becoming “detached.” I loved being with Danielle. Our relationship of just under 2 years was great. No problems. Never argued. Loved the time spent together. We were both in school, and I can say that school life – even if it is law school – is different than the “real world.” For a couple, it’s a dream-world. Just worrying about classes; working part time. Schedules being completely aligned. Tough thing was: Danielle was a grade older in school, so when she graduated, she decided to move out west (we went to school together out east).

We talked about her move in advance. I was apprehensive throughout the negotiations, though. And that was my first problem: not communicating my problems with her. I didn’t know if I wanted to move out west after school. We had planned visits, but I didn’t know if I wanted to follow through with them. I was so indecisive – knowing that I cared so much about this girl, but not knowing if it was “love.” She was looking forward to me coming out and visiting. She had planned all these activities. She said she would move back east to make it work if she had to. I don’t know how I even felt about that, though. I just couldn’t reconcile my feelings. Does “just caring about a girl so much” equate to a long-and-happy future? A happy marriage? I don’t know. I can’t answer that. But that is a thought that is stirring around my head. The regret.

I think she loved me so much. She would tell me so occasionally. I never reciprocated, though. I didn’t know what “love” was; or is. Danielle was the first girl I actually cared about. But was it “love”? I have no idea. All I know is that I feel like absolute garbage, having to break contact with a girl that I cared so much about. Why does it have to be like this? Why can’t we continue on communication? I hate how I feel, and wonder if I will ever feel better again.

[Balzac]

Hey there wannabe JD, welcome to LS. You must be 3L and awaiting your offer? She must have done well to be starting her career now. Is she BigLaw?

 

The pain is overwhelming at first. You're trained in logical reasoning and your story leads me to affirm your decision.

 

You know the career demands facing you unless you choose in house. Your accurate observation that law school is not the real world is quite on the mark. First of all 50% of class is female. Look forward 5?years to how many women remain in the ranks. The options for women are tough.

 

Give it time buddy. Know that you are in transition. Most in law school have been in the real work life prior to but not all. Did you work prior? In a meaningful way?

 

Keep sharing here. Lots of helpful folks w vast life experience.

[interalia504]

Hey there wannabe JD, welcome to LS. You must be 3L and awaiting your offer? She must have done well to be starting her career now. Is she BigLaw?

 

The pain is overwhelming at first. You're trained in logical reasoning and your story leads me to affirm your decision.

 

You know the career demands facing you unless you choose in house. Your accurate observation that law school is not the real world is quite on the mark. First of all 50% of class is female. Look forward 5?years to how many women remain in the ranks. The options for women are tough.

 

Give it time buddy. Know that you are in transition. Most in law school have been in the real work life prior to but not all. Did you work prior? In a meaningful way?

 

Keep sharing here. Lots of helpful folks w vast life experience.

 

Thanks a lot for the response, Balzac. I am indeed a 3l. What's more, my ex didn't even have a job prior to leaving out west! Even before we started dating, she wanted to move out west -- she even told me initially that I shouldn't get too involved since she was planning on moving. I was smitten, however, when I first met her, and couldn't resist. However, I don't know if it is that I am incapable of love or what. I just felt nothingness a lot of the time -- like Patrick Bateman or something (and no, I'm not a serial killer). I loved the time spent with her and we had, ostensibly, a great relationship. People speak a lot about the "spark." Whatever that means, it is possible that it was absent. Her plan was that I would move out west, study for the bar for the state I plan on taking it (which is out East) and then she would move back with to the east coast. As dreamy as that sounds, I just couldn't see it happening. I lived out west for a while and realized I missed my family and friends too much. Plus, she took the bar in the west-coast state. It just seemed like it couldn't work out. These emotions are so intense right now, though. I mean, everyone describes how the dumpee is supposed to feel all the pain. But I really cared for this girl and it hurts -- I was crying on the phone last night with my mom and dad. To hear her cry was so hard for me.

I know I am babbling ...

[Balzac]

In all honesty you manned up and therein you too get misery.

Again, your logical reasoning , factors you included, all affirm your decision.

It's the emotional, sexual void of being w/o her as you wind down 3L. You'll see it around you as couples separate to follow offers, become engaged to move forward as a team and of course those who stumble and cause the breakup. I think part of your grief is the loss of the dream. The critical thinking that tells you "next" is a shirt term, same obstacles as 3L moves along rapidly.

 

Whatever was she thinking about a one year stint thus an in firm transfer and two bar exams? Did she consider and persue a clerkship to suck up her one year Left Coast adventure? Are you thinking clerkship?

 

East Coast is geographic but also indicative of T14. HLS by any chance? No need to reveal, just curious.

 

FWIW mom's always shed tears but most importantly they always support their sons.

 

Spark is something you'll know. No spark no big plan.

[interalia504]

In all honesty you manned up and therein you too get misery.

Again, your logical reasoning , factors you included, all affirm your decision.

It's the emotional, sexual void of being w/o her as you wind down 3L. You'll see it around you as couples separate to follow offers, become engaged to move forward as a team and of course those who stumble and cause the breakup. I think part of your grief is the loss of the dream. The critical thinking that tells you "next" is a shirt term, same obstacles as 3L moves along rapidly.

 

Whatever was she thinking about a one year stint thus an in firm transfer and two bar exams? Did she consider and persue a clerkship to suck up her one year Left Coast adventure? Are you thinking clerkship?

 

East Coast is geographic but also indicative of T14. HLS by any chance? No need to reveal, just curious.

 

FWIW mom's always shed tears but most importantly they always support their sons.

 

Spark is something you'll know. No spark no big plan.

 

I do not go to a T14 -- I wish! Not a bad school, though. Is not feeling the "spark" a good reason to break up? She just sent me an email saying that she'll always love me and that she really thought we'd work out. I feel horrible. I'm such a jerk. Should I re-ignite the relationship? Maybe if I visit, I will love it and we can live happily ever after? Can "great friends" equate to a "great relationship"?

[Balzac]

Affirmative to all queries. Use your training to advantage on this, contracts was 1L and officially marriage is a business contract. It's all about what you each bring to the table, including motivation.

 

She sounds like your total deal, she seems willing to take a bar exam, relocate and give the relationship commitment a solid effort. Your dilemma at this point is how much of a commitment will she ask to pull the trigger. Is she talking Three Cs? Get a plan, know that next time you call it off will be the final time.

Take a risk, enjoy the journey. Keep us posted.

[interalia504]

I will be setting up a meeting with a psychologist today to sort out these feelings I am having. Have you had any experience/success with that?

[CopingGal]

I will be setting up a meeting with a psychologist today to sort out these feelings I am having. Have you had any experience/success with that?

 

It's good you are questioning yourself and seeking therapy. Therapy can help you understand yourself.

 

As I dumper, I have no remorse for dumping my bf and I'd do it again. He was a bad person and a terrible boyfriend.

[Balzac]

I am a strong advocate for psychotherapy and short term therapies.

Understanding of self is critical to happiness and confidence.

[mpa]

I will be setting up a meeting with a psychologist today to sort out these feelings I am having. Have you had any experience/success with that?

 

I used to be anti-therapy but I've been going the last few months since my ex broke up with me. He was my first actual relationship in almost ten years, first person I wanted to trust and open up to, and I was devastated when he ended it after only 7 months. My therapist has been helpful to sort out all the reasons I'm currently upset, and go through what happened in my past to make me so guarded. Overall it's been a positive experience, plus I don't feel bad talking about myself for 45 minutes because that's what I'm paying her for