Messed up somehow... Anyway I can fix this?

[Kindred]

I recently had an emotional outburst with a guy after he said he did not want a serious relationship and went on about how we were not on the same page with things.

 

At first I was fine with it then we continued seeing each other. All was good.

 

Then I brought up if we were friends with benefits. If we were I did not want to be a part of it. Then he got all weird and called the whole thing off without even answering the question. It was only one question!

 

I over reacted a bit to that. I was upset and hurt though. I thought things were going well! I just wanted to be careful about what I was getting myself into. I mean we had slept with each other before hand without bringing things up and just wanted to make sure we were on the same page.

 

I think I may have come off as insecure without meaning to.

 

The last time we had contact with each other which was five days ago everything seemed normal between us again. He said he would try ring me later that day but never did.

 

Normally he apologizes when he has been busy and gets back to me but he never did that as well.

 

Still left feeling confused by this but in the mean time. Doing my own thing and giving him his space.

 

Just wish I had never brought up anything referring to anything relationship wise to begin with and kept it light and simple and fun before all this happened.

 

Feeling like a bit of an idiot and felt like I lost a good thing in doing this. Should have just gone with the flow and seen how things should have gone without saying anything about wanting a relationship.

 

Would love for it just to go back to the way it was before hand.

 

Is there anyway I can fix this?

Edited October 2, 2012 by Kindred

[River Rain]

I don't think you came off as insecure at all. You wanted to know where the relationship stood that's all. It's not an outrageous question to make sure he wasn't expecting sex from you. If he flew off the handle because you wanted information, I don't know...sounds like my ex so I'm not very objective. My ex was incapable of serious conversation, he would ignore me to try to avoid certain subjects, which I find completely immature.

[guildenstern]

IMO you acted normally and its reasonable to check about those things. Talk to the guy and get "on the same page with things." And worstcase senario, maybe he won't want to talk even, which you have to respect, and just move on.

 

I think you can probably talk about it, tho.

[Kindred]

I don't think you came off as insecure at all. You wanted to know where the relationship stood that's all. It's not an outrageous question to make sure he wasn't expecting sex from you. If he flew off the handle because you wanted information, I don't know...sounds like my ex so I'm not very objective. My ex was incapable of serious conversation, he would ignore me to try to avoid certain subjects, which I find completely immature.

 

I month and a half ago. We went out for almost three months. I casually asked in person how he saw how things were with us and found out we both were not seeing anyone else.

 

I also mentioned I did not want casual. He complimented me and mentioned I will see how it goes.

 

To me that meant taking things slow and getting to know each other.

 

Obviously he had other ideas. But if sex was all he wanted he should have brought that up right then. Not be so vague about it.

 

When I question him about that now he was just like "I just did not want to hurt you" but he was still willing to see me regardless back then.

 

Felt like he lied just to keep me around. I am pretty sure he got what not wanting casual meant. Roll eyes.

 

During this time he did most the pursuing as well.

Edited October 3, 2012 by Kindred

[D-Lish]

I month and a half ago. We went out for almost three months. I casually asked in person how he saw how things were with us and found out we both were not seeing anyone else.

 

I also mentioned I did not want casual. He complimented me and mentioned I will see how it goes.

 

To me that meant taking things slow and getting to know each other.

 

Obviously he had other ideas. But if sex was all he wanted he should have brought that up right then. Not be so vague about it.

 

When I question him about that now he was just like "I just did not want to hurt you" but he was still willing to see me regardless back then.

 

Felt like he lied just to keep me around. I am pretty sure he got what not wanting casual meant. Roll eyes.

 

Hey Girl,

 

I want to give you some advice, and it's going to seem harsh- but I hope you will at least listen to what I have to say.

 

You can only take responsibility for what you do in a situation like this. The situation is laid out neatly on the table in front of you, but you're choosing not to see it.

 

He did take what he could sexually, and as long as you didn't demand better or set boundaries- he just took the sex. Can you blame him? Yes- you can, but you can't without blaming yourself first and foremost.

 

Set a boundary, and set a standard for yourself- and don't compromise it! You deserve better, and even if it hurts to let someone go that you have feelings for, he's not giving you the respect you deserve.

 

There is nothing here to fix- he's into sex, not a relationship. You are interested in a relationship, but you won't ever achieve that through sex. He's getting what he needs out of this- but you aren't. You have to do something about that.

 

The best course of action? Walk away. Hurts like hell, but he doesn't deserve knowing that.

 

D.

[Kindred]

Well I caught onto it early at least. Hence why I got weird and asked him about it. Knew the signs to look out for and when things were not adding up with him that was when I had the "outburst" at him.

 

Sent him an email last night ending it for good.

 

The guy uses politeness and the good guy act to get in. Least I eventually saw right through that.

 

Still hurts though but much better off. Glad I opened my eyes to it only two and a half months in.

 

Just can't believe that I keep meeting these type. Even at 35 they can still be like this. Gees.

Edited October 3, 2012 by Kindred

[Kindred]

Well. I only just opened my eyes to it the last week or so. LoL. Hence why it took that long.

 

I never said he was not playing me. Hence the reason for this whole post.

 

No way. I know how he plays it now so will just be completely ignoring him if he tries to contact me again. Over that bull****.

[River Rain]

Well I caught onto it early at least. Hence why I got weird and asked him about it. Knew the signs to look out for and when things were not adding up with him that was when I had the "outburst" at him.

 

Sent him an email last night ending it for good.

 

The guy uses politeness and the good guy act to get in. Least I eventually saw right through that.

 

Still hurts though but much better off. Glad I opened my eyes to it only two and a half months in.

 

Just can't believe that I keep meeting these type. Even at 35 they can still be like this. Gees.

 

My ex is 45 and he was like that, always will be. What D-Lish said was right, you have to set standards now. I mean, I thought I had those standards, but I was played too, and when you have strong feelings for a man, sometimes you're blinded by their real intentions because they are such smooth talkers. You said he uses the good guy act to get in, so did my ex. I know I'm slightly naive and very trusting and I fell for the manipulation. I don't want to go the opposite route and be so guarded that I can't trust a word anyone says, but it's important to now be cautious. We have to learn from these mistakes and hope that the next one won't be trying to manipulate us...and if they are, that we can somehow see the red flags.

 

Oh and congrats on having the courage to end it.

[xpaperxcutx]

You have to be aware that in dating, you cannot assume every guy has your best interests at heart. Unfortunately they follow their instincts and most of them are after sex. You are a grown adult therefore you should be more aware. You are the only one who can protect yourself.

 

That said, the next time you do decide to date again, please set some ground rules and standards. Ask yourself these questions:

 

Why are you dating?

What are you dating for? Relationship? Exclusivity?

When you do feel comfortable with sex?

Are you looking for someone on the same page as you?

 

Lastly, how long are you willing to date a person before you have the " talk"?

 

These are all important points because most people ( and here I mean both genders) fail to see that what they're truly looking for ( in this case, a relationship) they tend to completely place the responsibility of it onto the other person. Just as when you decided to ask him if he wanted somethingcue, you completely disregarded your own feelings to follow his cues. You decided to stick with him even after he gave a indefinite answer therefore, you truly have no one to blame but yourself.

 

Also, I would like to add, that the middle ground between a friend and a relationship is an NSA or a FWB arranagement. Any other way you look at it, unless a guy specifically ask that you are exclusive and his actions also prove it ( ie. introducing you to family, friends/and or coworkers and is always consistency with contact), you cannot assume it's anything but an NSA. So next time you happen to be dating a guy who gives you a vague answer about exclusivity but still has the audacity to accept sex from you, kick him to the curb.

[Kindred]

My ex is 45 and he was like that, always will be. What D-Lish said was right, you have to set standards now. I mean, I thought I had those standards, but I was played too, and when you have strong feelings for a man, sometimes you're blinded by their real intentions because they are such smooth talkers.

 

You said he uses the good guy act to get in, so did my ex. I know I'm slightly naive and very trusting and I fell for the manipulation.

 

The funny thing was, was this guy went on about how he was always honest with me, that he cared and there was no manipulation involved into getting me into bed. His response to my calling him out on his manipulation. You did not do anything you did not want to do. . Half true I will admit. LoL. Still I would not have continued seeing him if he was more honest about what he wanted the first time I told him I did not want casual.

 

Then again if he said that he did not want anything casual the first time I asked. I would have ended it right there and then and avoided being misled for a month and a half.

 

Oh I did set my standards. I was not even asking for a relationship with him. Just said that I did not want friends with benefits. Just wanted to know if it was going to be leading to something sooner or later.

 

The first month we were together I always had thought he was too much of a smooth talker. Hate when I look back now to how he used the good guy act to get in. What a fake.

 

You have to be aware that in dating, you cannot assume every guy has your best interests at heart. Unfortunately they follow their instincts and most of them are after sex. You are a grown adult therefore you should be more aware. You are the only one who can protect yourself.

 

That said, the next time you do decide to date again, please set some ground rules and standards. Ask yourself these questions:

 

Why are you dating?

What are you dating for? Relationship? Exclusivity?

When you do feel comfortable with sex?

Are you looking for someone on the same page as you?

 

Lastly, how long are you willing to date a person before you have the " talk"?

 

These are all important points because most people ( and here I mean both genders) fail to see that what they're truly looking for ( in this case, a relationship) they tend to completely place the responsibility of it onto the other person. Just as when you decided to ask him if he wanted somethingcue, you completely disregarded your own feelings to follow his cues. You decided to stick with him even after he gave a indefinite answer therefore, you truly have no one to blame but yourself.

 

Also, I would like to add, that the middle ground between a friend and a relationship is an NSA or a FWB arranagement. Any other way you look at it, unless a guy specifically ask that you are exclusive and his actions also prove it ( ie. introducing you to family, friends/and or coworkers and is always consistency with contact), you cannot assume it's anything but an NSA. So next time you happen to be dating a guy who gives you a vague answer about exclusivity but still has the audacity to accept sex from you, kick him to the curb.

 

Oh learning to be more upfront with things when I decide to date again. It will weed out the duds sooner. I will ask myself those questions for sure and so glad I did tell my current ex that I did not want a casual relationship. Did not want to get strung along anymore. Caught him out two and a half months in. It really hurt because I did care for him but know now that in the long run at least I am not being strung along for months or even longer. I was never going to let that happen know matter how much I liked him.

 

I did think that about what went on with us and how much it was feeling like a FWB relationship. Hence why I brought it up the second time before he bailed.

 

It still makes me wonder why he did not bail the first time. Probably because I was being just as vague as he was I guess. It sux I was not more upfront then. Agree!

 

Feeling so good to be out of that now. Even though I still get a bit annoyed when I think about it. Moving on but.

Edited October 25, 2012 by Kindred