Ended it with him, now can't cope

[Sarahbee]

Hi

 

I'm new to this and am posting because I ended it with my bf 4 weeks ago and I'm missing him intensely. I broke up with him because he couldn't give me what I needed...he was still hurting from a previous heartbreak, and he was wary of getting hurt again so even though he wanted to be with me, it was pretty much all on his terms. I felt uncomfortable at times with some of the things he said that indicated he wasn't capable of loving me, and I also wasn't comfortable telling him how I felt. Not until the end anyway, when I broke it off with him really nicely and told him to call me when he's sorted himself out. He admitted then that he questions his capacity to love, and that he's not over the pain of the last breakup. He's also accepted a job in another country for a year, and I don't want a long term relationship. When he told me that I asked if he wanted us to break up and he said no, but he also didn't tell me how he thought that would work. I broke up with him a few days later. My problem is that I miss him dreadfully and wish that I'd had the talk with him without breaking up. My head knows I did the right thing because I need more than he was capable of giving me, but my heart wants him so much that it hurts. I called him yesterday after nearly 4 weeks nc, and asked if he wanted to meet for lunch. He said yes, and that he'd call me, but he hasn't yet - that makes me feel worse! What can I do to stop this agony and get over him?

[Blastoplast]

You sound like you don't know what you want.

 

Clearly he can't be there for you if he's going to be in another country, and YOU ended it because he couldn't give you emotional support. It doesn't get much more black & white than that. Suppose he comes back after a year away and none of you have commitments, why not give it a try -- but obviously don't wait for it.

[River Rain]

It's hard when the heart wants one thing but the head is saying no. My ex wanted everything on his terms, but that made things very lonely for me because I wanted more. If you both aren't on the same page as far as what you want and need from each other, then it's not going to good because one or the other will always be left hanging. Just remember you broke it off for a good reason, I think maybe you had your moment of doubt because you miss the idea of being with him? But if he can't give you what you need, I wouldn't contact him anymore. I think his message was clear when he never called you back.

[JamesM]

Time will tell. but the two of you may still get together.

 

He may now be reconsidering, but that does not mean he is over you. Remember you broke it off with him. Now you come back and he still needs to decide if you will want to make this long term or if you will leave him again.

 

He may have had his hesitations before, and now he needs to work through those and these new ones.

 

Give him time.

[Sarahbee]

Well I met him for lunch last week and told him I miss him, and he said he missed me too. I asked him how he felt about us, and he said he thought I was very courageous to break up for the reasons I did, and that he'd been upset and sad about it but it had also given him a jolt and got him thinking about being in a relationship - it's all in or all out. I felt he was too hung up on his ex to be all in with me which is the main reason I broke it off. I told him that I felt that I had not choice, and that I can see how much potential we have - when I broke it off I told him to call me when he gets back, after he's had enough time and distance to really get over his ex. He's still going overseas for a year and I don't want an ldr, so I know it's over at least for now, but I still miss him terribly and regret breaking up with him - I know it's crazy as if I hadn't broken up with him I'd be stressed out about him leaving. I'm seeing him again before he leaves, and I want to tell him that I want him to call me when he gets back, but I'm scared that if I do that then I'll find it more difficult to move on, given how gutted I feel at the moment. It's a mess and I'm having trouble letting go. Help, what should I do?

[Million.to.1]

I don't think there is anything you can do.

This is probably the best scenario out of all the possibles...

 

You were courageous to end it, and it was the right decision. If you see him again, please don't say "call me when your back" which is basically telling him you'll be waiting.

 

You have to let this go for now. It would be best if you didn't keep up lot's of contact while he is away either.

I think he knows that you broke-up with him because you had no other choice. It would of been hard either way.

 

Maybe in a year, you guys can reconnect... but it will be a new relationship then... maybe a friendship, maybe more, maybe nothing.

All you can do is make it clear to him that you really care about him and hope he finds happiness in his new job and his life, and get on with yours.

 

I think you made the right decision, and someone who is emotionally unavailable very rarely ever comes around.

[cerridwen]

Well I met him for lunch last week and told him I miss him, and he said he missed me too. I asked him how he felt about us, and he said he thought I was very courageous to break up for the reasons I did, and that he'd been upset and sad about it but it had also given him a jolt and got him thinking about being in a relationship - it's all in or all out...

 

^Perhaps the realization he reached is something for you to adopt as well.

With a break-up, it's best (less painful) if one's all in or all out.

 

Whether it's because of past failed relationships, or wounding from childhood, some people don't make good partners.

They may be commitment phobic, avoidant, ambivalent, or any combination.

The result is someone incapable of meeting your emotional needs and that makes for a miserable relationship.

It's difficult to feel safe.

It's difficult to feel cherished.

It's difficult to count on them.

Wouldn't you want those things in a relationship?

Accepting he's not in a place to provide them now, is the first step.

 

During your lunch, it seems you were more interested in reconciliation than he was.

That doesn't bode well for future success.

He has ghosts to exercise (ex-gf), reflection to undertake, self-knowledge to gain about if he's truly capable of a relationship (since he has his doubts).

That's a lot of work.

That takes a lot of time and he may never make significant gains.

 

It'd be in your best interest to start the mourning process; let go of the dream of what it could have been; and start truly going No Contact.

 

Let him have his space to learn about himself.

Don't sacrifice your well-being to teach him those lessons.

 

Now, ready for cheesy cliche?

Set him free.

He'll come back if it was meant to be.

Sorry you're hurting.

I hope you'll find peace and relief soon.

Edited October 8, 2012 by cerridwen

[Sarahbee]

Thanks for your responses, I know you're right even though I burst into tears when I read them...sometimes the truth hurts! The fact is that I broke up with him because I didn't feel fulfilled in the relationship, and neither did I feel comfortable discussing how I felt with him, rightly or wrongly. It's given me cause to look at my relating style which is a good thing as I don't want to repeat any of this with the next person. Trouble is, at the moment I can't imagine being with anyone else! He told me the other day that I would be swept off my feet by someone cos I'm so gorgeous (his words), but I didn't want him to say that! I told him that at the moment if it's not him it's no-one, and he said that he wished I hadn't said that....not sure what he meant by that, but anyway it's how I feel. I'm just nowhere near ready to go back out there, so it's the void that I'm feeling. I wouldn't be so upset if he was being unavailable on purpose or because he didn't care, but I know it's because of his own pain and I know he's a really genuine and sincere person, just one with a lot of baggage! I wish there was an easy way, but I know the only way out is through. Thanks for your support here, don't know what I'd do without it.

[cerridwen]

Thanks for your responses, I know you're right even though I burst into tears when I read them...sometimes the truth hurts! The fact is that I broke up with him because I didn't feel fulfilled in the relationship, and neither did I feel comfortable discussing how I felt with him, rightly or wrongly. It's given me cause to look at my relating style which is a good thing as I don't want to repeat any of this with the next person. Trouble is, at the moment I can't imagine being with anyone else! He told me the other day that I would be swept off my feet by someone cos I'm so gorgeous (his words), but I didn't want him to say that! I told him that at the moment if it's not him it's no-one, and he said that he wished I hadn't said that....not sure what he meant by that, but anyway it's how I feel. I'm just nowhere near ready to go back out there, so it's the void that I'm feeling. I wouldn't be so upset if he was being unavailable on purpose or because he didn't care, but I know it's because of his own pain and I know he's a really genuine and sincere person, just one with a lot of baggage! I wish there was an easy way, but I know the only way out is through. Thanks for your support here, don't know what I'd do without it.

 

Awww...you sound very compassionate and gentle-hearted.

It's hard knowing someone you love is deeply-pained.

But again, it's not yours to fix.

Your role is girlfriend/lover, not therapist.

You don't want to have the latter as your relationship dynamic; it's the pits.

 

The following is from a book called Men Who Can't Love.

It gives some idea of what (and how much) work is involved in changing, and drives home the point that HE is the one who needs to put in the effort in order to have something lasting with anyone.

 

Take a good break from dating and be kind to yourself.

Pursue some things you've always wanted to do; find your happiness and let him find his way.

 

What does a commitment phobic have to do to change?

 

1. He has to admit he has a problem.

 

2. He has to take responsibility for his behaviours toward women – that he leads them on and he behaves in an uncaring and cruel way.

 

3. He has to want to change.

 

4. He has to be prepared to seek help.

 

5. He has to look deep within to work out when and how his claustrophobic/commitment phobic symptoms started.

 

6. He will require coaching or cognitive behavioural therapy to change his negative, irrational thought patterns about love, commitment and relationships. He will also need to explore some of the faster healing therapies to heal, grow and change.

 

7. He needs some time out from relationships to reflect on his thinking patterns and behaviours.

 

8. He must develop his emotional and spiritual intelligence and become more aware. Personal and spiritual development courses raise awareness and consciousness and prevent us from sabotaging relationships. (Spiritual development is not about religion).

 

9. If he doesn’t want to change his behaviours he has to be honest and upfront to women when he first meets them. He must tell them he does not want a committed relationship - that he is only interested in a casual liaison with space and freedom, and not to expect any more. Then it is up to the woman to decide whether she wishes to spend time with him on those terms.

[Sarahbee]

Thanks Cerridwen, you're right again! After a weekend of lying around in the foetal position and talking with my friends (they're very patient and kind!), I do feel better now. I know that it's not going to work with him, at least in the forseeable future and probably not ever. I'm letting go pretty well I think, but I still miss him a lot and think about him- that's normal I suppose. My main fear now is not being able to meet anyone else, which I know is silly as I met him after a previous heartbreak, so there's no reason why I won't meet someone else. I go on dating sites and can't find anyone that I want to go out with...it's depressing! How soon should I start looking for someone else?

[8542sd]

You should not hurry to date someone else. Give yourself some time so that it happens naturally to you. Don't give up to the thoughts or fear of being unable to see anybody else. Remember-what you resist,persists. So its better not to think negatively and give yourself time with positive approach.

It will surely happen and you will be happy.

[stillafool]

I think you were very courageous to break up with him. He never denied that he may not be over his Ex. I don't know how soon you two got together after his past relationship; but I do know it is healthier to heal before moving on to someone new. He too is right to go away for a year and find himself again. You seem very sweet and I'm sure you won't have any problems finding someone new. Good luck.

[Jack32]

Do you want him back or do you want to get over him? It sounds like you are not too sure about the whole time. Considering his state it seems he is not sure of what he wants either. Is he moving to a different country for sure? Perhaps there is a chance you guys can work things out.

[Sarahbee]

Thanks for your words of encouragement, it really helps a lot to get your perspectives. To be honest, of course I want him back as I'm still in love with him, but I also know that I can't have him. I'm very clear about not wanting a long distance relationship, it would do my head in. Also I think he needs time to heal (whether he uses his time to do that is up to him).

 

So I guess my ideal scenario would be to let him go, date other people when I feel ready, then if he calls me in a year or so we could try again. But I also know that I can't hold onto that dream, because it might not happen and I want to move on. I really can't see any option but to let him go, go nc, and heal and eventually look for someone else. If he comes back, I can see how I feel then, but if he doesn't then I won't be disappointed.

 

I don't know how much of this to tell him... when we broke up I told him in a nice way to get over her and call me when he gets back. He may not, but this has all given me cause to reflect on a lot of things about communication and kindness in relationships, so my next boyfriend will definitly benefit from this ;-)

 

Thanks so much for your thoughts and support.

[Sarahbee]

Well he texted me for my birthday and it's set me back a bit as I've been doing well getting over him. I kind of half expected him to do that, so I guess now that it's done I can finally close the door properly.

 

He's still in the country, leaving for his new job in about 2 weeks. He doesn't want to go, told me so at lunch a few weeks ago when I broke NC to meet him, but feels like he has to for financial reasons.

 

This experience has taught me that NC is the way to go, no matter how unnatural it feels to suddenly stop seeing someone who's been big in your life. I actually went out on a date last week with someone a lot younger than me...he was nice and funny and cute, but too young, I don't wanna be a cougar ;-) It was flattering and all that he wanted to see me again, but as I was sitting talking to him I was wishing it was my ex, so I'm still not entirely over him.

 

But I'm definitely getting there, so time does work its magic - hallelujah for that! I feel sure that this is all paving the way for the main event, as long as we take the lessons from our relationships. Each one teaches us something valuable about ourselves that ensure that we don't repeat the same mistakes next time!

[Sarahbee]

Hi everyone

I've been doing so well but there are still times when I really miss him - how long is that gonna go on? Is it gonna be there until I meet someone else? The younger man I met recently wants to have a relationship with me, even though I told him our age difference is too big - I've noticed that a lot of men seem to like older women! Trouble is, I don't want to get involved with him because I can see that it isn't sustainable in the long term, and also I'm not totally over the ex even though I almost am. I don't want a casual or short term relationship, one thing this experience and others have taught me is that I'm ready for the real deal, long term, even marriage (eek, even the thought of that word would have freaked me out until recently, even though I've been in a very long term relationship and had a child who's now grown up. I've never believed in the institution of marriage for me before, but now I do - probably because I'm getting older and I want something real and committed).

 

It was my birthday last week and I had my party in a bar, and there were men there (not my friends but just other people in the bar) who were interested in me but although I was flattered I felt kind of empty. I guess that means I need more time alone to process it.

 

Another thing that perplexes me is that when I was with him I knew that he wasn't right - because of his emotional unavailability, some of the things he would say made me feel bad and stressed and nervous. He wasn't right for me then, but I guess I could see the potential and maybe that's what I'm missing more than the reality. Is that completely retarded of me?

 

However, my previous post stands - I know I'm getting better and that NC helps, I guess right now I'm just a bit impatient....should I be doing anything other than what I'm doing which is keeping busy, ramping up my social activities and also meditating, reading Eckhart Tolle and trying to be zen?

[Sarahbee]

Well, I feel like I'm relapsing a bit. I know in my last few posts here I extolled the virtues of NC, but I broke it again a few days ago by emailing him to say goodbye. He hasn't responded so I think he must have already gone and perhaps can't answer due to internet access where he is - I don't know, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't just ignore me. There was no animosity between us, only sadnes.

 

My problem is that I'm having trouble moving on, and keep obsessing that he's met someone else and has moved right along and completely forgotten about me. I know in my head that he's wrong for me, at least until he gets over his ex and learns some communication skills and loses the avoidant-fearful attachment style! I felt insecure for a lot of the time I was with him, so why do I miss him so much? Is it the potential of what could have been, or is it the fact that I've just emailed him, or is it a normal relapse on the road to recovery?

 

I've moved on, started doing fun things, been out a lot, been on dates, been spending time with friends, am going on holiday next week, and have also been meditating and trying to be in the present moment. It's all good but I still have this awful feeling of emptiness and despair, like I'll never get him back (which in my head I accept is more than likely true), and I'll never meet anyone else (which also in my head I know is more then likely false!). I know it's irrational, but my heart just wants him. What can I do to stop this pain in my heart? I know deep down that he's not right for me, and anyway he's not here now - I can't have him! Is that my problem? Help!

Edited November 8, 2012 by Sarahbee
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[ruhrohcd]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I guess I don't really have much to suggest, but wanted to let you know that I read your posts.

 

I'm trying to get an idea into my head: if things feel right, bumps in the road don't amount to much. If things don't feel right, I'll get the fight or flight response. After a while, the flight compulsion wears off, and I forget what was so bad that set me off. But the fact of the matter is, I made the best decision I could at the time.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that there was obviously something in the relationship that wasn't working for you. So much has to go into a relationship, including things out of our control like timing. He may have been perfect for you 5 years ago, or may be in 5 years, but at the moment the two of you might just be in completely different head spaces.

 

It's trite, but I'm always reminded of a line from the Goo Goo Dolls song Name: "Don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are".

[PYTpisces]

I know exactly how this feels Hes unavailable in every aspect... Emotionally, because he couldn't give you want you want, and physically because he might be in a different country now. You got a taste of "paradise" with him from moments you shared together that were special, and sometimes the mind creates fantasies of hopes and wishes for the future etc. Bring to the forefront of your thoughts all the times that you weren't happy, which was most of the time since he could never really give you what you want and need. That's all he has to offer. Accept that this is all he has to give. This is who he is, and keep your mind from the what ifs because the what ifs are not reality. Your mind will try to idealize him and the good times you shared with him. This is normal, but counteract those thoughts by reminding yourself of all the reasons you weren't happy.

[Sarahbee]

Thanks for your wise responses. Just an update, he replied to my email and filled me in on his new job etc. He told me that he wants to see me when he's back in my city for a holiday early in the new year. I think that's all I needed to hear, because I feel a whole lot better. I'm not hoping for a reconciliation at that time, which won't happen anyway as he's still living somewhere else. But his tone and words told me all I needed to know - it was real and he does miss me.

 

It's also made me slow down a bit - I was getting a bit manic for a while there about having to go out all the time and looking for someone else - I even accepted an invitation for a date from a guy I met on the street the other day! Now I feel a lot more peaceful and OK about being alone and doing the processing I need to do. I sure don't want to do to someone else what he did to me, i.e. go into a relationship when you're still heartbroken over the last one.

 

I seriously hope that this is the time that I'll be turning the corner and really letting go - I know it sounds weird but knowing that he's still thinking of me is going to help me move on. I guess it's a validation that what we had was special, but it was just the wrong time for us, as you said ruhrohcd. Whatever happens in the future is unknown, but for now, and thanks largely to all your great support here, I'm gonna release him with loving kindness and wish him well :-)

[ruhrohcd]

I'm glad that something I said may have helped a bit. Now if I could just accept my own damn advice/perspective!

[Sarahbee]

Hi LS people

 

Just an update on my progress. After 3 months, during which time I've seen him once and had a few texts and emails, I can say with my hand on my heart that I'm really getting through this. I still want him, which is why I've decided to not date anyone else, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel - maybe in the new year I'll get back on the dating horse. But I don't feel the urgent need to find someone else, nor do I feel that I'll never meet anyone like him. I know that I'll probably meet someone more suited to me who's able to give me what I need. And if I don't, I'll still be OK. Despite the pain, I have no regrets about ending it because I'm pretty sure if I hadn't I'd be on here complaining about being in an LDR with an emotionally unavailable man, and feeling all the pain that goes with that.

 

I know most of you are dumpees, but really, I can tell you that being the dumper isn't always what it might seem. I felt the pain of the loss, believe me, and I only broke it off because my own self respect wouldn't let me stay in it. I've been the dumpee before too and the pain isn't any less, not for me anyway. I know each situation is different, but in my experience breaking up is always hard to do. I guess for people who serially jump from one lover to the next it might be different, but to me those people are avoiders who won't let themselves feel any pain so are therefore missing out on the growth that comes with that.

 

I don't know if my ex will ever come back to me whole and over his ex and available for me. I still hope he will, but actually I'm starting to see now that maybe I wouldn't want him anymore - I feel like I've changed and grown in the last 3 months. He's coming back for a holiday in January and said he'd contact me, so I guess I'll know more how I feel if I see him. But if he decides not to contact me, that's perfectly fine with me now, so I guess that's telling me something good - I'm getting over him!

 

Thanks so much to all of you who have helped me through this, it was a sunny day the day I found this site! By the way, I've also been doing the exercises in this book - Calling In "The One": Katherine Woodward Thomas - which I've found really helpful. One of the last ones was writing 5 pages of all the things you're grateful for. I thought it would be tough but it was easy, the words flowed. If you focus on all the great things in your life that you have, rather than what you don't have, you're living in abundance - it's the only way to be