s1421 Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 (edited) This is a big and loaded question that has been bearing on my mind. It is very difficult to come to a conclusion on this one. It seems that many people here are quick to tell each other to break up but here is how our relationship is at this point: - Attraction: He adores me and loves me. He tells me everyday how beautiful I am. He is the type that will love me no matter if I'm fat, old, etc. I, on the other hand, feel very superficial for saying this but I've never been attracted to him. This is probably one of the biggest factors for me. He was my best friend and when the relationship turned sexual one day, it was hard to let go of him. We've been together for almost 7 years. I care for him deeply but can't really say if its a lack of love or if this is just a lack of attraction. I feel so guilty when he tells me how beautiful I am and I can't say anything like it back honestly. - Differences: He has anger management issues. The way him and I handle things are very different. He tends to be quite hot or cold on issues and doesn't seem to handle stress that well. It does put a strain on our relationship. We also tend to have completely different opinions on matters. We tend to try to compromise or just go with what he wants, just so that we don't argue. On the flipside, he thinks I should grow up and just marry him. Understandably I can see why he thinks that way. I feel like I'm growing up too fast and am getting cold feet. - What we invested in each other already: We have been together for almost 7 years and he is my first relationship. While I was a semi-broke college student, he always tried to take care of me. He always looked out for me. And I was there to help balance out his life through helping him be more responsible with his finances, health, and lifestyle. We were best friends prior to dating. We have had a lot of ups and downs through these years and almost broken up several times. Now I'm engaged and feeling cold feet. He wants to marry soon as he thinks time is running out for him (He's in his 30s and I'm in my 20s). He thinks he is doing the right thing by marrying me and won't be happy until we are. -Strains on the relationship: Another strain is that our families don't necessarily get along. I never got along with his mother and my family is a bit indifferent. Our respect and trust for each other is not fully there (my fiancee and I). I tend to hold things to myself and because of that, he doesn't really trust me to be honest all the time. I find myself not really respecting how he handle things or his harsh point of views. He can sometimes be quite harsh with me when he is stressed or frustrated for whatever little reason. Also, I am very ashamed that I also cheated on him recently. I was frustrated with our sex life and was already thinking of breaking up. This is probably the biggest red flag of all and pointing me towards breaking up with him because I believe it is not fair to him. I'm feeling a lot of guilt but have not told him yet. - Good things about the relationship: The hardest part of breaking up is knowing that all we've invested will be gone. We do have great memories together and have been very invested into each other's lives. He loves me and we have a lot of fun together usually. We try to pamper each other a lot and have taken a lot of time to try to be with each other. We are practically married now in terms of our living situation, etc. He always tries to give me the best and I try to make him feel better about everything (stress from work, lifestyle, etc). My thoughts on the matter is that I feel undeserving of him in respects especially since I cheated. Since then, I've felt great remorse and been through a tough time trying to get over it. I don't want to tell him simply because he had feelings of feeling unloved his whole life and I don't want to admit that I turned to another guy. He thinks marriage and having kids will fix everything (his stress, lifestyle choices, etc) but I don't think it will. We've been through so much and we're so close to marrying and I'm so upset thinking about leaving him during this time. I'm not sure if I can be happy throughout the relationship. Also, can a marriage last without attraction? Also I don't know how to break it to him. To him, our relationship is fine. Edited October 2, 2012 by s1421
Sameold Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Love you have already ruined this. Having sex with another guy is a horrendus thing to do especially after you have agreed to marry him. This guy has always been honest with you about himself for all his flaws, you however have sneaked around behind his back so of course he doesn't know what anything is wrong. I'm sorry but it is just disgusting behaviour, please tell him and let him decide. Chances are you won't be left with much to ponder.
Balzac Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Honestly I read to "anger management issue" and thought hmmmm 7 years, first relationship and YES call it off. The rest is just abuse of each other.
Author s1421 Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 Love you have already ruined this. Having sex with another guy is a horrendus thing to do especially after you have agreed to marry him. This guy has always been honest with you about himself for all his flaws, you however have sneaked around behind his back so of course he doesn't know what anything is wrong. I'm sorry but it is just disgusting behaviour, please tell him and let him decide. Chances are you won't be left with much to ponder. Trust me. No one is more ashamed than me right now. It was horrendous for me to do it. I, however, don't know if I have the courage to tell him this. Honestly I read to "anger management issue" and thought hmmmm 7 years, first relationship and YES call it off. The rest is just abuse of each other. The next step is trying to figure out a way to break it off. He is so hopeful of marrying me.
Balzac Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Find a safe place and enlist a professional if it's easier for you. Religious leader, social worker, lawyer you choose.
Author s1421 Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 Find a safe place and enlist a professional if it's easier for you. Religious leader, social worker, lawyer you choose. I'm not sure if it is necessary to enlist a professional. I already have some ideas of where to go if we do break up though.
Liz2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Can you go to counselling?? I think that maybe if he WAKES up and SEES how close you are to ending it he might pull his socks up on some of these things. It sounds like he needs a kick up the arse.
Artie Lang Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 (edited) you wanna know how to break it off w/him..... TELL HIM! tell him you cheated on him. i bet his feelings for you will change, then you can walk away from this farce you call a relationship. i'm not saying this to hurt your feelings. i'm saying this because you've given us every excuse under the sun why you two should break up. you were to much of a coward to do it the right way, so you entered into an exit affair as a nail to the coffin of this relationship. see it for what it(affair) really was- an exit affair. Edited October 3, 2012 by Artie Lang
Author s1421 Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 Sigh. You're probably right. I am trying to work up the courage now to be honest with him.
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