Help me with a formulated strategy, I'll keep you updated on everything!

[hellodearest]

I want my ex back like everyone else here does. I'll give you the story of our breakup, and I'm not concerned about personal healing just yet, I'm going to give this a proper fight before I give it all up. Please help me, and give me advice, I'm willing to give it like NC 10 days, or LC wait for her to call, or call her and do this, etc. etc.

 

I may or may not listen, or will discuss it with you, but I"ll keep you guys updated. Please give me whatever two cents you have, whether you've been in my situation or hers, or just see something obvious.

 

Backstory on my relationship:

 

Me(26) Her(25)

 

I'm her first relationship.

 

She's obviously the greatest girl I know, or else I wouldn't be fighting for her. You don't have to question that. Moving on...

 

We dated for two years. She was in love with someone else when we met, but it wasn't ever going to work out. She had her hang ups even after she met me, but I wouldn't find out until later. We started off immediately hanging out every day. The sex was great, the companionship awesome. She was in a very depressed state when I met her however, and I pulled her out of it. She thanks me to this day because she was pretty sure she was going to kill herself that winter before she met me.

 

I ask her to move across the country with me about 8 months in. She's reluctant, says she loves me but wasn't completely sure if she was in love with me. She said it didn't feel the same with me as it did with the guy she was in love with in the past. They never had a relationship though, she just pined after him, and he slept around a lot, so she ended it.

 

A few months later, she says yes, she's going to move with me, and we move across the country. We break up after moving. She cited the same reason. She loves me but isn't sure if she's completely in love with me. She says she sees me more as a best friend and never wanted to leave me because of how good I take care of her. It was very emotional for both of us, and after we were broken up, she texted me, called me, and told me she made a huge mistake, that she needs me in her life.

 

After we get back together, she admits to being "emotionally crazy" and is talking marriage, kids, and moving in together. I find a place that's down the street from her, and she says that she could see the two of us living together in this place once our leases are up.

 

She's picked out baby names, talked seriously about eloping, has looked at rings, dresses, etc. We got in a fight one time over something minor and she broke down because she imagined life without me for a second, and just that thought made her cry.

 

The recent break up:

We're doing great, and things are seemingly awesome. She calls me a lot, facebook messages me constantly at work, sends me funny links, we buy tickets for shows in the future. The frequency of sex has actually picked up.

 

We get in a small argument. We don't argue often. I ask her during the argument, "Are you truly happy right now with everything?" just to make sure she was. She says "mostly, yeah." and then she says that she's unsure if she's in love with me, still loves me more as a friend. We break up that night because how can we go on? But at the same time, she's admitted, she has no idea what she wants.

 

What I've done since the break up/the fallout:

 

Right after we broke up, I was extremely numb. I just took her back to her place, helped her bring all her stuff over there, and grabbed my stuff. She was crying, and had an anxiety attack about everything earlier, but at this point, we were both silent, going through the motions.

 

A day goes by, and from a mutual friend at her work, I hear she's just been teary eyed at work all day, and when he asked her to go outside to grab a smoke and talk about it, she just broke down and waved him away because she couldn't even bring herself to talk about it.

 

I send her an email the next day. I had been writing a short novel about our time together, and our ups and downs, and it's really focused on her. She's been trying to read this novel forever, and I finally send her the first couple pages.

 

I get an email back after she's read it and it says "Jesus, I'm bawling, It's so good."

 

After this, a period of NC for five days before I can't take it any more.

 

I call her after class, and ask her to hang out. She says of course we can hang out, but to be upfront, she isn't looking to getting back together. I go over there, and she can tell I'm nervous and having anxiety. Not my proudest moment, but we just lay in her bed together and give each other back rubs, and eventually I leave on an ok note.

 

Two days NC.

 

We both have tickets to a show with some mutual friends. At first I wasn't going to go, but our mutual friend convinced me to go since my ex wasn't getting off work until halfway through the show. I got super ****ed up, she shows up, but I play it cool. She's a little concerned that I'm ****ed up though, and she invites me to stay the night at her place so she can take care of me. I'm coherent, and yes, I'm drunk, but I wasn't doing anything embarassing. I decline, and I go home.

 

She texts me and calls me the next morning to make sure I'm Ok. It seems like she wants to talk more, but I let her go quickly, saying I need to go study. She's still lingering on the phone a bit, but we end the conversation.

 

A day goes by, and I wake up kind of in a panic. I call her on a whim and I ask her if she wants to trade backrubs over a tv show. She says "kind of, but, this is probably a really bad idea..." I say "Yeah, it's a terrible idea." and she says "come over".

 

I go over there and instantly she's really cuddly. We lay in her bed, and we never start the TV show. I give her a backrub, and she gives me one, and things start getting hot and heavy, but I stop because all of a sudden she doesn't seem into it. She say "we shouldn't do this." I say "you're right" and she keeps going. We make out for awhile longer, and it's very passionate, but I got a little anxious and I lost my erection.

 

I'm thinking "what the hell did I just get myself into..." but we just lay there and it's not a big deal because we start talking about other things. Sex has never been a problem for us, so I'm not really embarrassed. She cuddles me very tightly. We start with the backrubs again, and she deliberately turns around in spoon position and slowly starts grinding on me. We go at it again, and we have some really good sex. Afterwards, I'm lying there and she says "what are you thinking?" and I say, "I'm thinking just how nice this is." and she says "yeah, I was thinking the same thing."

 

We lay for a little while longer, and then I tell her I have to go study, and it's a quick, but sweet exit.

 

Couple hours later, she texts me to read some more of what I've written. I send her a little bit a couple hours later, and she texts that she likes it. I don't respond.

 

Today, I'm talking to a mutual friend of ours, and he said that my ex had called him last night and told him what happened. Our mutual friend has said that he had a negative reaction to us hooking up because it was so surprising to him, and that perhaps her reaction went along with his, because she said that she shouldn't have let that (hanging out, sex) happen.

 

What do I do now?

 

I'm thinking I have to play it cool for a little while. It really seemed nice in person being there, and she was definitely reciprocating everything, but what she said to our mutual friend kind of disturbs me. I've decided to keep our mutual friend out of it, so I'm not going to mine him for any more information about their conversation.

 

I also really need her right now, I just found out today that I'm going to need surgery. I'm sure I could play that card for her support, but really, who wants to hang out with someone if **** isn't going right in their lives? I've thought about this strategy, but it's probably not a good one, even if I really do need her, I'll suck it up and deal with it myself if I can still win her back.

 

Please help...

Edited October 1, 2012 by hellodearest

[geegirl]

IShe said it didn't feel the same with me as it did with the guy she was in love with in the past.

 

This was enough for me. I believe she attached herself to you at the time because she was looking for an escape, someone to rescue her from the pain she was feeling then. I'm sorry to be harsh but it sounds as if she settled for you to get over her broken relationship.

 

She's been reiterating that she does not feel the love that you feel for her and that she's been hesitant to go further with you. Someone can care and love you for who you are and what you have to offer but sometimes it may not be enough for them to go the extra mile. Her contact initially may have been that she just missed your company but she was hesitant when it was taking a turn that could potentially hurt you. Her hesitancy could also mean she knows you want more but knows she will hurt you because she can't give you what you need.

 

I can't help you with a strategy but all I can say is you need to let go. You don't strategize to get someone back, just as you don't force someone to love you the way you need them to love you. People want to be with you because they choose to and want to without the need for coaxing, strategizing or game-playing.

Edited October 1, 2012 by geegirl

[hellodearest]

Thank you Gee Girl. You're right, she probably attached herself to me in the beginning. I know this. But - what builds a relationship is what we have, companionship, trust, bestfriends, and she IS very affectionate with me, when we're alone, we're constantly touching like magnets.

 

I guess I'm just blindsided by all this because in the end it felt so right. (I realize she didn't feel completely right, but she said she was getting there) and I we are finding it so hard not to hang out with one another.

 

Yes, in the end, she may never feel that way about me, but I'd like to give it a proper try. It's not manipulating her to love me, I know I can't do that, it's a series of steps I can take so that I feel productive in giving this one last go, and so that I don't do anything stupid/crazy in doing so. (even though the whole thing is probably crazy)

[geegirl]

But - what builds a relationship is what we have, companionship, trust, bestfriends, and she IS very affectionate with me, when we're alone, we're constantly touching like magnets.

 

You are speaking for "we". You are projecting what you believe is enough to make the relationship YOU want. You can't place your beliefs or project your thoughts on her. She may be all those things but she's saying it to you loud and clear, in that she can't reciprocate your feelings.

 

I guess I'm just blindsided by all this because in the end it felt so right. (I realize she didn't feel completely right, but she said she was getting there) and I we are finding it so hard not to hang out with one another.

 

She was getting there reminds me of that saying, "I can learn to love you." Like I said before, she may love your company and all that you have to offer but it's not enough. I knew a guy once. He had everything a girl could want but I couldn't take it as far as he needed it to go. I loved his company, enjoyed being with him but I couldn't give him a relationship. When he decided to go NC, I missed him bad but respected his decision to move on and heal.

 

Yes, there is the need to be around each other but you also need to listen to what she is saying. You're selective in your thought process because of denial.

 

Yes, in the end, she may never feel that way about me, but I'd like to give it a proper try. It's not manipulating her to love me, I know I can't do that, it's a series of steps I can take so that I feel productive in giving this one last go, and so that I don't do anything stupid/crazy in doing so. (even though the whole thing is probably crazy.

 

I hope you find your way. You will have to go through your own journey to find the truth and accept it, whatever it may be.

[lemonlime]

It seems like she definitely has some emotional immaturity. She probably really needs to just spend some time alone and re-balance, get healthy, and learn she can be independent. It'll probably never work out as long as she's avoiding growing up. The very fact that what pulled her out of being SUICIDAL was a relationship speaks a lot about her. She was using you as a band-aid for the unresolved feelings her previous relationship and her inability to regulate her emotions independently.

 

Say you "win" her back when nothings changed. You guys get married, even have a kid, then she decides the same thing. How are you going to feel then?

 

Give her a few months alone to find herself, then concern your self with potentially working things out. I'm sure theres some things you could work on during that time.

[hellodearest]

Geegirl, Lemonlime. Thank you, I AM in denial. I can see that when I'm not feeling super low.

 

When I feel low though, I almost feel like I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING productive. Like formulate a plan, etc. etc. I feel crazed. And it's often.

 

You guys are right though, I especially agree with giving her space and maybe let her find herself to try again months later. Maybe just because I like the potential outcome of that.

 

Geegirl, would you do me a huge favor and expound on the relationship and why you didn't think it was going to work? Did you guys talk after breaking up? Did you ever doubt your decision?

What didn't work? Did he have different interests than you did, or were you two contrasting personality types? Not the look you imagined yourself with?

Edited October 2, 2012 by hellodearest

[Exit]

Good to see that you are accepting of the fact that you're dealing with a bit of denial here. It's hard to work with people who utterly refuse to see the patterns they are going through.

 

I agree with others who say it would at least take months, not the "10 days of NC" you initially said you are willing to do. And even waiting months might not be a great idea rather than just leaving it behind for good, but as you said above, with the current state you're in, it might just "sound good" to you to believe that maybe in a few months it will work out, and if that is enough to at least get you to leave it alone for now, go for it.

 

A few days or weeks is not going to change anything. You are caught in a totally repeating pattern with this girl of being together, her saying she doesn't feel that love for you, splitting up, her thinking she made a mistake and wants to force herself to love you more than a friend, round and round again. So you could try to leave her alone for 10 days, and maybe in that time she'll start feeling the familiar doubts again and she'll be wondering if she should have stayed with you. And then when you make contact, you might even succeed at getting back together. And then the same thing will happen. Once she has you, she starts to question if she really wants you. When she doesn't have you, she's worried that she was wrong.

 

If anything, she needs more than a few days to figure out if she wanted you or not. Leave it alone for the rest of this year. Let the holidays roll past and we'll see if she finds herself noticing that she wishes you were there next to her or not. Deal with your surgery alone, you very well might be able to guilt her into helping you through it, but that's a toxic reason to be together and you can do it without her.

 

Truthfully, I hate to see you even wait around and hope that something is going to change in a few months. I do not think this girl will be able to create the spark for you that she has struggled to find for so long. There is some level of comfort and familiarity that she finds with you and that's what keeps bringing her back, but the first moment she does find someone who creates the real spark in her, suddenly she won't be so confused about you, she'll be 100% ready to realize that she only sees you as a friend. If you wait around for that day to come, it's going to hurt, bad.

 

If you don't have the strength to write her off for good, and if it at least helps you move on for now, then go ahead and hope that maybe she'll come to her senses if you leave it alone for a while. And let's not breeze past that last part. If you leave it alone for a while. If you guys talk every few days, or god forbid let another one of these regretted physical encounters happen, the pattern is not being broken. Hopefully as the weeks go by you'll realize you don't care to end up with someone who has been so undecided anyway, and you'll just keep moving on. I'm certainly not suggesting this just to have you torturing yourself with false hope for the next three months and then really feeling like garbage when she still doesn't want to commit. So truthfully my number one recommendation would be to let it go, and let it go now. But if you can't, then just let it go "for now".

[geegirl]

Geegirl, would you do me a huge favor and expound on the relationship and why you didn't think it was going to work? Did you guys talk after breaking up? Did you ever doubt your decision?

What didn't work? Did he have different interests than you did, or were you two contrasting personality types? Not the look you imagined yourself with?

 

I met him after I divorced my husband. I was still hurting and struggling to get over the ending. He came along and displayed all the qualities a woman could ever want in a man and my brain wanted and knew it was right for me but my heart wasn't invested. I was selfish and chose to stick with him and made myself believe I could "learn to love him" but as much as I forced myself, the more I would do the push and pull because I wasn't sure of my feelings. One moment I was attracted and the next I was running away.

 

We kissed but never went all the way. I couldn't rope him into my dysfunction, although I knew he was getting too attached. I broke it off and said we should be friends. He agreed. As soon as I did that, I would doubt the decision, go back and repeat the cycle. It couldn't work because my heart wasn't healed. He wanted to work on it and was patient thinking that time would change my mind.

 

I picked him for all the wrong reasons. I picked him not because of mutual love and respect but because I thought he was the right pick in comparison to a crappy husband.

 

He was a handsome guy. Tall, blonde and blue-eyed. Complete opposite of me. Dark hair, dark eyes and tan skin. People would compliment us wherever we went. Successful career, young and active. Sweet, kind and amazingly thoughtful. Well traveled and had such a passion for photography. I enjoyed his company and liked being around him and most times would imagine what life could be with him. Mentally I wanted it, emotionally I was detached. Something just wasn't there.

 

Do I regret it? I did then after I finally told him it had to end as he was wanting more. We didn't talk for 5 years. When we did start talking again last year as friends, but he started down that road again and again I had to cut it off. So, seeing that after 5 years my heart was still not open to it, I have no regrets because it was never meant to be.

Edited October 2, 2012 by geegirl