eleanorrigby Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 My question is based on my thoughts in this thread. My feeling right now is that if the WS fully intends to leave and has been discreet and has an AP that is willing to stay discreet and lay low during the divorce and for an appropriate amount of time (a year to me is good) after the divorce and knows that they BS does not know of their affair, that maybe it's better if the BS never finds out they were betrayed. (do I get a prize for the longest run on sentence? ) When I think of myself, I kind of like the thought of it. It would not have been possible in my situation because I had been suspicious and found out. But for a few months there I had no idea and if he had asked for a divorce during that time, it would have been horrendous, but I'd not have had to go through betrayal. So I'm wondering what people think of this. I only think it sounds good if all the above parameters have been met. (and I know that it's not likely, but if all Jupiter happened to align with Mars and I didn't have to find out, I'd have preferred it, had we divorced.) I do think that if the WS is considering reconciling that the BS has to know.
Decorative Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Because of sexually transmitted diseases, some of which can be fatal, and also because I know that once I knew about the affair- it was like getting the proper eyeglass prescription to look at everything, I would always , always encourage disclosure prior to a divorce. 5
Ninja'sHusband Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 I think honesty is always best. At least the BS knows what they are up against when the A is disclosed...otherwise they are going crazy trying to figure out what happened to a seemingly good relationship in their eyes. 3
Spark1111 Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 I think there are symptoms of a failing marriage, and in hindsight, symptoms of an affair. It probably would be best to think the marriage ended before a new partner was found (less painful) but I believe a person would always wonder, don't you? I would. I think honesty is best. If you are leaving the marriage because you have already found someone else, I believe that is ultimately kinder than showing up a year later with someone new, that you claim to have just met. I know both situations that occurred IRL and it was pretty obvious to all the friends who was truly sad and stumbling the marriage was over, and who was tap dancing out the door with glee. What was obvious to the group eventually became obvious to the xspouse in time and it just etched up the acrimony and basically destroyed all efforts to remain friendly and amicable. Would it be kinder to the children who could care less about their parents romantic life? Yes, if the xspouse could keep their realizations to themself. But that's rare after a deception like that. 1
Author eleanorrigby Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 I know both situations that occurred IRL and it was pretty obvious to all the friends who was truly sad and stumbling the marriage was over, and who was tap dancing out the door with glee. I hadn't thought of that. That would suck. Blah. I guess there is no escaping it if it's happened.
2sure Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Unless your spouse has said previously that the wouldn't want to know given certain conditions.....my thoughts are ..who is anyone else to decide which parts of my life I can deal with and which parts I can't? It's my life and I have to deal with all of it. 8
Summer Breeze Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 I would want to know. My imagination is both my best friend and my worst enemy. I was shocked when my xH cheated how many people knew and didn't say anything. I can't imagine how it would have felt if he'd left and one of them maybe said something without thinking. I think the only thing worse than finding out about the betrayal on my own (or him telling me) would be to find out after he'd left and by accident. Interesting thread. 2
waterwoman Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Yes, I'd want to know. So many bits of the puzzle have fitted into place since I found out about the affair. Without that I might still think I was going mad. 2
Radagast Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 My feeling right now is that if the WS fully intends to leave and has been discreet and has an AP that is willing to stay discreet and lay low during the divorce and for an appropriate amount of time (a year to me is good) after the divorce and knows that they BS does not know of their affair, that maybe it's better if the BS never finds out they were betrayed. For myself as an unfaithful spouse I would have found that very difficult to sustain. My relationship with my now-wife was always very open (except to my ex-wife) because I wanted her to meet and know the people I loved and who mattered to me, to be as full a part of my life as possible, because I loved her and wanted them to know her too. She was simply too big a part of my life to keep secret. I would not have been able to "hide" her after I left my marriage any more than I was able to "hide" her during my marriage. To pretend that we just met after my divorce when we already had a well-established and solid loving relationship would have seemed very artificial to me and very inauthentic to live, not to mention that I would have had to deceive my family and my children and my friends which I simply could not do.
BetrayedH Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I find this thread interesting because I have been paying attention to this particular topic for a while now. I have only ONCE read of a BS that knew about her H's A that said she wished she didn't know. In the meantime, there are loads of WS and OM/OW that claim the BS wouldn't want to know. So far (other than the OP who qualified it as only in the case of divorce and is already having second thoughts), the one time I've seen a BS say it is still holding true. Any other BS's, divorced or reconciled, who care to say they wish they didn't know? 1
beenburned Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 I always vote for the BS being told the truth! Like 2sure said, any withholding of information, that directly affects my life, is just control and manipulation! I personally know of several people, who later on, remarried the spouse they divorced!(even after being married to their former affair partner) Everyone needs to know the good, bad, and ugly of the person they are/were married to! It completely changes the whole picture of that person in our mind.(and helps shape what we think in the future) Just like in LadyGrey's situation, there would be no more confusion about who their former spouse was, or what they had done. Hugs to you LG!! 1
Author eleanorrigby Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 I had to stay out of those other threads about telling the children about infidelity because I am torn. Both sides of that argument sound right to me! I come from a family that is good about keeping secrets, for years, I think it may have rubbed off on me more then I thought it did. I have definitely absorbed the "what they don't know won't hurt them" idea. Even though I know I don't want to be treated that way.
Decorative Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 I had to stay out of those other threads about telling the children about infidelity because I am torn. Both sides of that argument sound right to me! I come from a family that is good about keeping secrets, for years, I think it may have rubbed off on me more then I thought it did. I have definitely absorbed the "what they don't know won't hurt them" idea. Even though I know I don't want to be treated that way. It's situation with many, many angles. It's tough, and I emphasize with anyone who has to face it. It's terrible to get thrust into a situation you had no say over, and then have to make all sorts of decisions you never ever contemplated. The best you can do is to be thoughtful about it and decide what is the best solution for your own life.
Author eleanorrigby Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 It's situation with many, many angles. It's tough, and I emphasize with anyone who has to face it. It's terrible to get thrust into a situation you had no say over, and then have to make all sorts of decisions you never ever contemplated. The best you can do is to be thoughtful about it and decide what is the best solution for your own life. lol oh I already blew that years ago. I found out, lost my sh*it and told evvveerrrybody (including the kids) before I finally got my brain back. I regret that still that I didn't do it the way I'm reading that people did in the other thread. I had a knee jerk reaction and just went absolutely insane for a few weeks.
Decorative Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 lol oh I already blew that years ago. I found out, lost my sh*it and told evvveerrrybody (including the kids) before I finally got my brain back. I regret that still that I didn't do it the way I'm reading that people did in the other thread. I had a knee jerk reaction and just went absolutely insane for a few weeks. Nobody's gonna fault you for that. These sitches don't come with a manual. And if I had a manual, I probably would have smacked my spouse on the butt with it at the time. LOL 1
GLDheart Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 I'd want to know. The way I see it is: If you are going to grow from this terrible experience you need the truth. Having things "re-written" to make them less painful will only serve to keep you in confusion moving forward. So, truth for me thank you... even if I have to go get it for myself. 1
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