Infidelity and custody of children

[Decorative]

Spark- my children met her, knew something was way wrong, and were scared to tell me because they didn't want to upset me. They were relieved when they were told the truth.

 

Kids know. They may not know every specific, but they are intuitive and can ascertain something is wrong/off/ messed. And when we talked about it after- they knew before I did . For sure.

[Spark1111]

Spark- my children met her, knew something was way wrong, and were scared to tell me because they didn't want to upset me. They were relieved when they were told the truth.

 

Kids know. They may not know every specific, but they are intuitive and can ascertain something is wrong/off/ messed. And when we talked about it after- they knew before I did . For sure.

 

Hmmmm....and I wonder if, after dday, he went running to her and told her that I had opened my big mouth and she, of course, would tell him how horrible and innappropriate that would be.

 

It wasn't until many months later he discovered that my oldest intuited it as I packed a bag, crying, and left for a hotel for two days so he could move out.

 

I....never said a word. But I wouldn't lie and when asked directly, said yes, I discovered your father has someone else he has been seeing secretly for quite some time and we are over.

 

And they talked amongst themselves and compared their notes and agreed they had known for quite awhile because he had been acting so different.

 

Unbelievable.

[Decorative]

It is. Sigh.

[eleanorrigby]

Hmmm... I think that children should have NO idea what their parents are doing sexually, period. Why would a child know this about their parents? That they are having an affair?

 

I've read many stories on various infidelity/relationship boards that it was the child that discovered the affair and either told the betrayed parent or worse was told by the cheating parent to keep his/her affair secret.

 

ETA: I just realized a bunch of you said what I just said already lol. I need to read the entire thread....

[Ninja'sHusband]

On telling the kids (if they don't already know), I think it completely depends on the age of the kids...and if you have teens, I'm still not really sure what the right thing is. I think it probably depends a lot on the specific situation?

 

In our case (9-10 year old daughter) we chose not to tell and I feel pretty firm about that. She'll probably learn later on. I will never lie to her about it if she asks.

[2sunny]

On telling the kids (if they don't already know), I think it completely depends on the age of the kids...and if you have teens, I'm still not really sure what the right thing is. I think it probably depends a lot on the specific situation?

 

In our case (9-10 year old daughter) we chose not to tell and I feel pretty firm about that. She'll probably learn later on. I will never lie to her about it if she asks.

 

I don't agree - If you don't tell - you're lying by omitting the truth.

 

A child should know what actions happened to ruin the M! They can learn that a parent has self respect and a healthy boundary that shows YOU'RE not WILLING to live with the cheater and PRETEND that's ok!

 

If you don't state honestly what happened - the child often is left to wonder - and there's no peace of mind in that!

 

And kids have a right to be mad at the cheating parent - that's normal - they should be mad! They should know that one parent broke the vow.

[Silly_Girl]

I don't agree - If you don't tell - you're lying by omitting the truth.

 

A child should know what actions happened to ruin the M! They can learn that a parent has self respect and a healthy boundary that shows YOU'RE not WILLING to live with the cheater and PRETEND that's ok!

 

If you don't state honestly what happened - the child often is left to wonder - and there's no peace of mind in that!

 

And kids have a right to be mad at the cheating parent - that's normal - they should be mad! They should know that one parent broke the vow.

 

A child should know the reasons...?

 

I don't fancy sitting down a 9yr old and saying - for example - I have a really healthy sex life, I have urges and needs, but my partner - your parent - refused to meet them, so we have decided not to stay together in order that I can feel sexually fulfilled.

 

Kids know marriages break down, they do NOT need the ins and outs of it like a soap opera. Let them grieve. If they ask, don't lie, but don't force them to swallow all the details.

[2sunny]

A child should know the reasons...?

 

I don't fancy sitting down a 9yr old and saying - for example - I have a really healthy sex life, I have urges and needs, but my partner - your parent - refused to meet them, so we have decided not to stay together in order that I can feel sexually fulfilled.

 

Kids know marriages break down, they do NOT need the ins and outs of it like a soap opera. Let them grieve. If they ask, don't lie, but don't force them to swallow all the details.

 

If one parents cheating has affected the M - then the kids should understand the character defect affected that R to the point of distrust.

 

IF you aren't matched well together - then it may be useful to state that - instead of explaining your sexual preferences.

[Silly_Girl]

If one parents cheating has affected the M - then the kids should understand the character defect affected that R to the point of distrust.

 

IF you aren't matched well together - then it may be useful to state that - instead of explaining your sexual preferences.

 

Then 'growing apart' would suffice if the relationship sees one party turning to another.

 

Unless one is looking to apportion blame.

[2sunny]

Then 'growing apart' would suffice if the relationship sees one party turning to another.

 

Unless one is looking to apportion blame.

 

Are you talking about cheating or just leaving a M that is incompatible?

 

It's hard to tell what you're asking...

 

IF one parent cheated - yes, the kids should understand what's real = the truth!

[Decorative]

A child should know the reasons...?

 

I don't fancy sitting down a 9yr old and saying - for example - I have a really healthy sex life, I have urges and needs, but my partner - your parent - refused to meet them, so we have decided not to stay together in order that I can feel sexually fulfilled.

 

Kids know marriages break down, they do NOT need the ins and outs of it like a soap opera. Let them grieve. If they ask, don't lie, but don't force them to swallow all the details.

 

Nobody should explain it that way. LOL

 

You explain it in age appropriate ways.

 

My kids were 8, 10, 12 and 14. They were told what they were able to process , without too much information, and sex was not mentioned.

 

It was different and age appropriate variations of "Mommy and Daddy are having lots of big discussions right now. We both love you. The problem we are working on is that Daddy chose to have an inappropriate friendship, and it is not okay to have that relationship when you are married".

 

It was adjusted up and down with information according to age- but it wasn't a voyeuristic session or too much information.

[Decorative]

Then 'growing apart' would suffice if the relationship sees one party turning to another.

 

Unless one is looking to apportion blame.

 

If a marriage is struggling because one partner is cheating, there is blame.

 

But there are values to be learned by kids watching parents work together to do what is in the best interest of their family. Whatever the final decision is.

 

But secrets serve no one's best interest.

[Silly_Girl]

Are you talking about cheating or just leaving a M that is incompatible?

 

It's hard to tell what you're asking...

 

IF one parent cheated - yes, the kids should understand what's real = the truth!

 

Parent one turns to another person after years of verbal/physical abuse.

 

Parent one cheats as a coping mechanism because parent two cheated and despite best efforts they can't get over it, and didn't tell the children about the affair because they were committed to reconciliation.

 

Parent one cheats because parent two has refused to have sex for several years.

 

There's so much noise around so many scenarios that I don't see how it requires a child to enter the adult world and be told (if they don't know) what's happened and who's to blame.

 

All I'm interested in is the child being encouraged to have a constructive, loving relationship with both parents regardless of the he-said/she-said. It's very rare for a marriage to break down solely through the actions of just the one party. Kids should not have to concern themselves with all that.

[Decorative]

Parent one turns to another person after years of verbal/physical abuse.

 

Parent one cheats as a coping mechanism because parent two cheated and despite best efforts they can't get over it, and didn't tell the children about the affair because they were committed to reconciliation.

 

Parent one cheats because parent two has refused to have sex for several years.

 

There's so much noise around so many scenarios that I don't see how it requires a child to enter the adult world and be told (if they don't know) what's happened and who's to blame.

 

All I'm interested in is the child being encouraged to have a constructive, loving relationship with both parents regardless of the he-said/she-said. It's very rare for a marriage to break down solely through the actions of just the one party. Kids should not have to concern themselves with all that.

 

If the marriage breakdown is actually caused by more than just the infidelity - then other causes can be named, too. And it can be pointed out that infidelity is still the least honorable decision one can make if one decides to be done with a marriage.

 

I don't encourage my children to gloss over life's details. I don't hide the truth fr them- because that's how generations of screwed up families get going.

 

There's a line to be found as to what is appropriate to share.

[Silly_Girl]

I've spent 10 yrs hiding what an ar$e my ex is so as to limit as much as possible the hurt and resentment my son is entitled to feel. I don't lie to him, I just minimise the 'nasty'. I'd do so in any circumstances because his peace and stability means more to me than 'winning' over his dad.

 

There's time for rational, open conversation when they're older. You won't improve their childhood by involving them in adult topics.

[AnotherRound]

I said if a child doesn't know. Of course, if a child discovers the affair, or asks about it - but even then, I would hesitate to burden them with adult issues. They aren't ready for that stuff, and they shouldn't have to be involved in adult worry, it's too much for them, and it WILL cause problems.

 

It sounds like some want their children to know so that they too can "judge" the "bad" parent. That's exactly what I'm talking about here. Why would you want to ruin the relationship your children have with their other parent simply bc your relationship with the other parent went south? Does that not seem selfish to anyone else? And, why would you want your child to know things about their other parent that they have no business knowing, probably don't want to know, and have no need to know? Unless, again, it's about turning that child against their parent.

 

Children can be told a very simplistic answer as to why the marriage is breaking up. Trying to make them mad at one parent is selfish and detrimental and serves nobody except maybe providing some minimal comfort to the BS parent, as far as I can tell. Which is exactly what exMMs stbxw did, by trying to pull a child into a very adult situation that had nothing to do with the child.

 

Someone said a child deserves to know when one parent breaks the marriage vows. What? Why? It's not the child's marriage, that is between two consenting adults. The child's relationship with each parent trumps all other relationship in relevance to the child. And, if that's the case, in my exMM's case, I guess he should have sat his child down then and told him how his mother didn't like sex, and that sex is part of an adult relationship and marriage and important to emotional bonding for the couple, and that's why daddy had to find another relationship with someone else. Oh, and let's add that daddy only stayed for the child too, so the child can then blame himself for all the arguing and discord in the house.

 

Honestly, people think that these are things children should be privy to? I'm sorry, but it's enmeshment, and it's not healthy. And it's usually done by the spouse who wants an ally in the child - again, unhealthy. Children should not be concerned about adult relationships, not even their parents. They can't process it, they can't fix it, they just end up worrying and feeling anxious and helpless. No wonder I have so many children as clients, honestly - this is blowing my mind.

[Decorative]

I've spent 10 yrs hiding what an ar$e my ex is so as to limit as much as possible the hurt and resentment my son is entitled to feel. I don't lie to him, I just minimise the 'nasty'. I'd do so in any circumstances because his peace and stability means more to me than 'winning' over his dad.

 

There's time for rational, open conversation when they're older. You won't improve their childhood by involving them in adult topics.

 

I am so sorry- are you misunderstanding what people who have actually had this discussion with their kids are telling you?

 

You described an inappropriate conversation , and then dismissed it as unnecessary. That's called creating a strawman.

 

You brought in talking about sex and other topics, even though it's been stated repeatedly that isn't what is going on.

 

As for your last point that children shouldn't be involved in adult topics - sure. I agree. Perhaps if one parent hadn't risked their family and drawn them into the mess infidelity creates, then they wouldn't have to have things explained. But the damage is there- better to name it and face it. Denial does nothing.

 

But I could never endorse lying to my kids when there is chaos to put a bandaid over a bullet hole. That doesn't help long term. Read these forums. Read any infidelity forum. Look how many screwed up families are connected to the spouse who cheats ( and sometimes the spouse who doesn't- which just reinforces that it's a choice).

 

The truth always wins out. As it should.

[2sunny]

I've spent 10 yrs hiding what an ar$e my ex is so as to limit as much as possible the hurt and resentment my son is entitled to feel. I don't lie to him, I just minimise the 'nasty'. I'd do so in any circumstances because his peace and stability means more to me than 'winning' over his dad.

 

There's time for rational, open conversation when they're older. You won't improve their childhood by involving them in adult topics.

 

Sounds like you are covering for the infidelity.

 

It's not yours to cover. Kids can understand that things don't always work out like fairy tails.

 

Come on - they also learn that there SHOLD BE consequences for bad behavior.

 

In the end - it's completely useful to allow them to understand that they are loved by both parents and state the plan that will happen so that THEY feel safe.

 

They usually want to know that they are safe and loved.

[elcklan]

I don't agree - If you don't tell - you're lying by omitting the truth.

 

A child should know what actions happened to ruin the M! They can learn that a parent has self respect and a healthy boundary that shows YOU'RE not WILLING to live with the cheater and PRETEND that's ok!

 

If you don't state honestly what happened - the child often is left to wonder - and there's no peace of mind in that!

 

And kids have a right to be mad at the cheating parent - that's normal - they should be mad! They should know that one parent broke the vow.

 

I can not believe what I just read here. Just crazy.

[elcklan]

Sounds like you are covering for the infidelity.

 

It's not yours to cover. Kids can understand that things don't always work out like fairy tails.

 

Come on - they also learn that there SHOLD BE consequences for bad behavior.

 

In the end - it's completely useful to allow them to understand that they are loved by both parents and state the plan that will happen so that THEY feel safe.

 

They usually want to know that they are safe and loved.

And how a father can make them feel safe, if a mother puts in their head how bad he is. I've seen many times women doing it and kids do turn against fathers. My friends daughter grew up with thinking all men are pigs, thanks to her mother.

[Decorative]

And how a father can make them feel safe, if a mother puts in their head how bad he is. I've seen many times women doing it and kids do turn against fathers. My friends daughter grew up with thinking all men are pigs, thanks to her mother.

 

Again, if the mother is saying how bad he is- then that isn't the discussion being held. As someone who has had the discussion with her kids - calling my spouse a bad guy was never the topic.

 

There are ways to speak that aren't so angry, and benefit the kids.

[2sunny]

In ever said call him "bad"!

 

I said be honest.

 

Sometimes, if they are young, just stating that an agreement was broken between the two parents is enough.

 

Showing kids with action that one parent shouldn't allow the other to walk all over them - without consequences - is very important.

[elcklan]

In ever said call him "bad"!

 

I said be honest.

 

Sometimes, if they are young, just stating that an agreement was broken between the two parents is enough.

 

Showing kids with action that one parent shouldn't allow the other to walk all over them - without consequences - is very important.

Well, I'll just let you read your words again.

 

Achild should know what actions happened to ruin the M!

 

And kids have a right to be mad at the cheating parent -that's normal - they should be mad! They should know that one parent broke thevow.

 

If one parents cheating has affected the M - then the kidsshould understand the character defect affected that R to the point ofdistrust.

Sorry, I don't see how that makes your kids feel safe about their father and can form healthy relationship between them. It's just self-pity, sounds like poor poor me..

And the talk about the marriage you can have when kids are adults.

Edited October 4, 2012 by elcklan

[2sunny]

Well, I'll just let you read your words again.

 

Achild should know what actions happened to ruin the M!

 

And kids have a right to be mad at the cheating parent -that's normal - they should be mad! They should know that one parent broke thevow.

 

If one parents cheating has affected the M - then the kidsshould understand the character defect affected that R to the point ofdistrust.

Sorry, I don't see how that makes your kids feel safe about their father and can form healthy relationship between them. It's just self-pity, sounds like poor poor me..

And the talk about the marriage you can have when kids are adults.

 

For the record - my kids heard it this way - as they were old enough to understand a little bit about Dad being gone for several "business weekends"...

 

dad isn't coming home. I've changed the locks.

 

Wy Mom?

 

Because he's been spending weekends with his girlfriend...

 

 

That was enough for them to understand!

 

 

I never said tell intimate sexual info. I stated that kids had a right to what's really going on - they usually know anyway...

 

And I always told my kids they SHOULD understand that Dad and Mom love them - and we are here to help them feel safe and loved. Yes, 8 years later - I never speak ill of him - his actions - his behavior... They have learned about him as they've grown to be adults - they learned as they went along what they could count on and what they couldn't count on.

 

Their R with Dad is separate from mine - that's normal.

 

I told my truth... To keep that from them would have left them wondering what really happened.

 

They have healthy R with both of us... But when they learned what happened - what he did - they called him immediately and yelled at him "HOW COULD YOU?"

 

I see that as a healthy response to his selfish actions turning all our lives completely upside down.

Edited October 4, 2012 by 2sunny

[elcklan]

For the record - my kids heard it this way - as they were old enough to understand a little bit about Dad being gone for several "business weekends"...

 

dad isn't coming home. I've changed the locks.

 

Wy Mom?

 

Because he's been spending weekends with his girlfriend...

 

 

That was enough for them to understand!

 

 

I never said tell intimate sexual info. I stated that kids had a right to what's really going on - they usually know anyway...

 

And I always told my kids they SHOULD understand that Dad and Mom love them - and we are here to help them feel safe and loved. Yes, 8 years later - I never speak ill of him - his actions - his behavior... They have learned about him as they've grown to be adults - they learned as they went along what they could count on and what they couldn't count on.

 

Their R with Dad is separate from mine - that's normal.

 

I told my truth... To keep that from them would have left them wondering what really happened.

 

They have healthy R with both of us... But when they learned what happened - what he did - they called him immediately and yelled at him "HOW COULD YOU?"

 

I see that as a healthy response to his selfish actions turning all our lives completely upside down.

I don't agree with you at all, but enough of that. Hope your kids were able to maintain good relationship with their father. Your marriage was dysfunctional before his affair so no need to say that he turned your lives upside down.