Capoeira18 Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 OK, so I never thought I would need to turn to the internet for help, but here I am: The ex-lady and I dated seriously for about six months starting last December. She had gotten out of a rough relationship about two months prior to us getting together. I know, it's pretty soon to get involved with someone after a bad relationship, but I had been there for her throughout the entire drama of her last relationship, and we just became so close that we felt this incredible connection right off the bat. As the months went by, it was clear that she was harboring some serious emotional baggage, but she assured me constantly that she loved me. Nevertheless, she would go through periods of INCREDIBLE love and then periods of distance. During one of her distant periods in May, she said things weren't working out and wanted to break up. Naturally, I wanted to figure out what the true reasons were, especially since our entire relationship has been built on trust and emotional closeness. We talked very deeply, very candidly, and became even closer to each other as a result. We lived in the same town, but during that time we both ended up having to move back to our respective hometowns for unrelated reasons. Fast forward to three weeks ago: I visited her and her family for a week. It was incredible. It seemed like our discussions after the "breakup" worked wonders for our dynamic, and after not seeing her for a while, that week was one of the most romantic and loving periods we have ever had. She brought up topics of marriage and children in casual conversation, because she wanted to know how I feel about those subjects. I told her that I do want marriage and children in the realtively near future, which is what she wants as well. Two nights ago, I called her to see when would be a good time to see each other again. She seemed hesitant. She told me in so many words and after a long discussion that she really couldn't "do us right now" and that she was just beginning to find herself. She had actually packed a bag to come see me, and then just before getting in the car changed her mind! She said she knew that if she came and visited, it would entail a commitment she was not ready to make. We talked, and it seems to me that she is afraid of losing her identity again in a relationship, which was a detrimental factor in her last one. I have been willing to work through any issues with her, as I have done in the past, because I love her with all my heart and soul. She was adamant, however, that she could not reach the point of loving me entirely right now, and that it was unfair to me to be keeping me around while she figures herself out. We have agreed to stop talking so there is no more confusion, and I have resigned myself to giving her the space she needs. She told me she loves me and that she hopes that us not talking "won't last forever", but I told her the only way that will happen is if she decides to call me and tell me she is ready to commit. I hate to play games with a person I love so much, but I need to protect my heart. I guess I just wanted to put this out there and see what everyone has to say. Who knows, I may find some comfort...
Shellstartsagain Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 As a woman myself her hot and cold behaviour seems like she is so confused probably as a result of her past experience. I think definitely give her the space she needs. There is nothing worse than having issues and a man bugging you for answers. She knows you are there and she will really respect that. If she decides she does want you and comes back you will know it is purely because she has decided that during time alone. It may be hard but if she doesn't come back it will probably be better than having to deal with hot and cold emotions all the time. You are not playing games. You love her and you are letting her go to sort her head out for her. It's the only way you can protect yourself and be sure it's right
Author Capoeira18 Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 Thanks for your insight! Just wanted to be sure I wasn't totally off the mark...
Shellstartsagain Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 You are welcome... No you are correct. Good luck
JayL Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 That's very similar to what I went through, except I was not smart enough to walk away. You did the right thing and saved yourself from getting hurt.
Author Capoeira18 Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 OK, an update: she texted me out of the blue a few nights back saying that she knows that she should leave me alone, but that she wants me to know that she's thinking about me and that she really misses talking to me. I just kept the texts friendly, upbeat, and light. Then, after saying how she misses the old times with me and my friends, she said what she's really getting at is that she misses me and hopes I'm OK. I told her I'm fine, to which she responded "well I'm glad one of is". How should I proceed?
NoMoreJerks Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I have zero tolerance/respect for anyone who claims to be "afraid" of commitment. "Losing her identity"? Or maybe her freedom to play the field? Perhaps feeling "suffocated." These are things that my ex also talked about. And yet, he wanted to keep stringing me along, would get jealous every time I said I was going out socializing, because he knew it meant I was looking for someone else. Just make up your mind, I don't have the rest of my life to dedicate to the whims of an ******* who cannot make up his mind, or who just wants to preserve his freedom to be a player, while keeping me on the side for the occasional entertainment.
Under The Radar Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 It's a breadcrumb. You said in your OP that you need to protect your heart. She didn't say anything about committing to you or that you two should reconcile. You have been strong enough to maintain NC till now - my advice is to remain so as difficult as it is. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 You might not like to hear this, but: she is selfish and a narcissist. Run away from her as fast as you can.
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