Having an affair is playing Russian roulette with your children's wellbeing

October 1, 2012

The worst effect of all the lies and betrayal is the effect on the children. They get to live in a house of heart broken bickering fighting parents, and in most cases they end up in a split home. Divorce is enormously expensive and will change your lifestyle. This affects EVERYONE. College trust? How about lawyer fees instead. Not to mention the costs of living separately..

I compare the affair to Russian roulette, I think it's actually worse odds since most affairs are eventually discovered (am I right?). You think you betray just your spouse, no you are betraying your entire family.

Lies are the most damaging part of affairs, so every time you try to shield yourself from shame, think about the innocent ones you hurt. Overcome your fear and do what's right. You'll have so much of a better chance to find peace for everyone by living honestly.

Comments welcome.

October 1, 2012

The worst effect of all the lies and betrayal is the effect on the children. They get to live in a house of heart broken bickering fighting parents' date=' and in most cases they end up in a split home. Divorce is enormously expensive and will change your lifestyle. This affects EVERYONE. College trust? How about lawyer fees instead. Not to mention the costs of living separately.. [/quote']

Agree, but in many cases, they may have already been living in a house of bickering parents. And would it be better if the divorce happened before there was an affair?

Children are forgotten so often as their parents selfishly pursue their own course.

I compare the affair to Russian roulette, I think it's actually worse odds since most affairs are eventually discovered (am I right?). You think you betray just your spouse, no you are betraying your entire family.

Agree. So we must all affair-proof our marriages. And try to do what we can to make our partner find an affair unappealing. Many affairs do not happen in a vacuum. The marriage already had problems before the affair, and if we would step up and think of our children before it is too late, then perhaps the affair could be prevented and the marriage saved.

Lies are the most damaging part of affairs, so every time you try to shield yourself from shame, think about the innocent ones you hurt. Overcome your fear and do what's right. You'll have so much of a better chance to find peace for everyone by living honestly.

Actually, lies are bad, but even worse is the role model that the parents show to their children. A marriage is for keeps and not only until I am unhappy.

Comments welcome.

Done.

October 1, 2012

Agree, but in many cases, they may have already been living in a house of bickering parents. And would it be better if the divorce happened before there was an affair?

Yes! It would be better, or at least the threat of divorce may instigate the therapy required to fix the marriage. Maybe your question was rhetorical

Agree. So we must all affair-proof our marriages. And try to do what we can to make our partner find an affair unappealing. Many affairs do not happen in a vacuum. The marriage already had problems before the affair, and if we would step up and think of our children before it is too late, then perhaps the affair could be prevented and the marriage saved.

Agreed that each party is 50% responsible for the marriage, but each party is 100% responsible for their own actions.

Actually, lies are bad, but even worse is the role model that the parents show to their children. A marriage is for keeps and not only until I am unhappy.

I meant lies are the most damaging aspect of the affair to the marriage. Most damaging thing to the kids? Rolemodels lying? yeah same difference

October 1, 2012

I agree with premise of the thread.

Which is why I also think the non-cheating parent, as long as they are fit, should get first choice at being custodial parent.

Why would a court want someone unscrupulous to raise children?

October 1, 2012

My kids did not live in a bickering household during the affair. There was the false recovery period which was crazy making for all of us. That was 9 months of chaos.

The best thing we ever did, was once the FR ended and the affair was exposed and ended- was sit our children down, and in age appropriate terms ( with help from professionals to get the language right )- tell them what happened.

It took the burden off them. They knew the mess wasn't on their shoulders, and that they could trust me.

I think the openness was a key part of why our family is thriving now.

But I agree with the premise that it is dangerous to the kids- to their emotional well being, as well as many other ways. It's serious, and I consider myself lucky that we worked it all out well enough that our family is doing so well. It could have been very, very different.

October 1, 2012

The worst effect of all the lies and betrayal is the effect on the children. They get to live in a house of heart broken bickering fighting parents, and in most cases they end up in a split home. Divorce is enormously expensive and will change your lifestyle. This affects EVERYONE. College trust? How about lawyer fees instead. Not to mention the costs of living separately..

I compare the affair to Russian roulette, I think it's actually worse odds since most affairs are eventually discovered (am I right?). You think you betray just your spouse, no you are betraying your entire family.

Lies are the most damaging part of affairs, so every time you try to shield yourself from shame, think about the innocent ones you hurt. Overcome your fear and do what's right. You'll have so much of a better chance to find peace for everyone by living honestly.

Comments welcome.

And NinjasHusband comes out swinging.

You won't get any argument from me, my friend.

October 2, 2012

I'm the daughter of a father who cheated on my mother. It started when I was 9. Before that my home was happy, I was a well adjusted kid, who knew she was loved and I was nuts about my daddy.

There was one main OW but when older I found out there were lots more. This continued on until long after I left home. He finally did leave my mother and married his last ow.

I've written about this before, but I want anyone who does the back and forth dance with the cheater, as my mother did, that you are doing even more harm to your kids. I think you need to show an example of strength and self respect and do not tolerate continued cheating. It left me with one screwed up perception of what a good relationship should be and I've made some bad choices in my life that I can attest my background certainly had an influenced on, although, yes I know they choices were mine.

I often think that the going back and forth and the chaos that was always in my house did me more damage than if my mother had just kicked him out and divorced him. I also think that my father saw my mother as a doormat, which later give him permission in his head to become abusive, to her, and to me and sometimes my brothers.

On the outside, my father was charming, well liked, nice looking and kind hearted but the cruelty he visited on my mother and me and my brothers has left a lot of ugly scars. Something that never goes away. It's always there.

Oh God....you could almost be my daughter...

My wife won't end up with OM because he's married, so that's different. We are 3 months separated. I'm so angry I don't see anyway for us to get back together, but the destruction of our family just tears me apart. My daughter didn't deserve this at all and you didn't either. I'm sorry things went the way they did in both of our situations.

October 2, 2012

The worst effect of all the lies and betrayal is the effect on the children. They get to live in a house of heart broken bickering fighting parents, and in most cases they end up in a split home. Divorce is enormously expensive and will change your lifestyle. This affects EVERYONE. College trust? How about lawyer fees instead. Not to mention the costs of living separately..

My father's A was the only time during my childhood when the bickering stopped. And instead of being depressed and withdrawn, he was engaged and involved with us kids. Not with my Mom, but that was a relief because the constant fighting stopped. I used to pray every night that they would divorce, and then I stopped believing in god and just slid into depression myself.

October 2, 2012

Personally, I'd find it odd if someone were completely able to compartmentalize the parts of their life so that what is going on in one area 9 cheating) doesn't bleed into another ( family life)...

I agree that cheating is taking a great chance with your children's well being...if your spouse finds out, it could be a disaster for the family...

I know when my husband cheated, i tried to shield my children from it, as they have enough issues of their own to deal with without adding his to the pile...I really tried, but it was so hard. One memory that really stands out was sitting with my then 6 year old son one really hot night at about 4 in the morning- he couldn't sleep because of the heat, and I couldn't because I was sad...we were watching movies on the porch where it was cooler, and he asked me where daddy was...up until then, I don't think i realized that even though I was trying to protect my kids, it wasn't working.

The ironic ting is that so often, we are told things like divorced parents shouldn't run each other down to their children, they should respect each other for the sake of the kids, etc. . Why does that not apply before the divorce? How is cheating showing respect? Remember...if one cheats, they are disrespecting the parent of their children...

October 2, 2012

Well Ninja, I agree in most cases what you say is true, but with most things about human behavior, there are no absolutes. I personally know of 2 divorces that had cheating involved where everyone ended up better off in the end financially, and at least on the surface, emotionally.

October 2, 2012

I'm the daughter of a father who cheated on my mother. It started when I was 9. Before that my home was happy, I was a well adjusted kid, who knew she was loved and I was nuts about my daddy.

There was one main OW but when older I found out there were lots more. This continued on until long after I left home. He finally did leave my mother and married his last ow.

I've written about this before, but I want anyone who does the back and forth dance with the cheater, as my mother did, that you are doing even more harm to your kids. I think you need to show an example of strength and self respect and do not tolerate continued cheating. It left me with one screwed up perception of what a good relationship should be and I've made some bad choices in my life that I can attest my background certainly had an influenced on, although, yes I know they choices were mine.

I often think that the going back and forth and the chaos that was always in my house did me more damage than if my mother had just kicked him out and divorced him. I also think that my father saw my mother as a doormat, which later give him permission in his head to become abusive, to her, and to me and sometimes my brothers.

On the outside, my father was charming, well liked, nice looking and kind hearted but the cruelty he visited on my mother and me and my brothers has left a lot of ugly scars. Something that never goes away. It's always there.

Your story is so familiar to me in many ways. My father was very cruel, behind closed doors. My mind was twisted so bad that it took me years to undo most of the damage. I still feel like I walk on eggshells a lot even though I don't have a reason to now. The funny thing, was, before my mom left us (due to an illness), I blamed my father's behavior on her. She didn't give him kinky sex, so he cheated. He told me this. She was weak, jumpy and forgetful. My father told me this also. Then, when I was 11, my mom became sick and moved to another state to be with her mother. She was mostly out of our lives then. I took my mom's place, in my dad's eyes. If he had a bad day and needed a punching bag, there I was. If he needed to wine about how hard his life was taking care of us "leaches" and not getting a woman because of it, he invited me into his room to have two hour long pitty sessions. I guess he saw me as a shrink. If he was feeling flirty or whatever, there I was. On the outside, though, he was this wonderful man who was raising his children all alone.

I was the person who would use to want to yell at women and men who were bieng cheated on, to just leave. I know it can be a lot more complicated, though. I wonder if some stay because the abuse of their partners twisted their heads so bad, that they don't know what's real anymore.

Sorry for the long post.

October 2, 2012

I compare the affair to Russian roulette, I think it's actually worse odds since most affairs are eventually discovered (am I right?). You think you betray just your spouse, no you are betraying your entire family.

.

When I think about it, I don't think it's like Russian roulette. I that game, there is a chance that you won't get shot. I think an affair always effects the kids, even if it's not discovered. It takes a certain mind set to hide something so big from the family. The home envirement becomes less open, more distant. I think this does it's damage, even if the damage is subtle.

October 2, 2012

Many on this site point out that, instead of "staying for the children" as so many AP claim is going on, an unsuitable couple should divorce. Here is a prime example of why. So yes - having an A (instead of divorcing) CAN damage your children by prolonging an unhealthy home life.

Or the parents could decide to actually solve their marital problems in an adult fashion with an affair or a divorce. It baffles me how many people can so easily disregard their vows and choose the easy way out.

If an affair causes a divorce, the children do suffer. The children deserved to have two faithful parents living together, which was the agreement my wife and I had when we married and had children. In my case at least, there's simply no excuse for what she did to the family, or me for that matter. Having marital difficulties? Welcome to marriage, dumb ass. Fix them. An affair doesn't fix a damn thing and when it causes a divorce, the cheating parent can deny damage to the children all they want or claim that the divorce was "better" but they're just fooling themselves.

October 2, 2012

Agreed that each party is 50% responsible for the marriage, but each party is 100% responsible for their own actions.

I respectfully say that the "50%" thing is bunko, and I'm saying that as one who used to buy into that notion wholeheartedly. (I guilt easily. )

If the other person cheats, they own a heckuvalot more than 50% in comparison to the cuckolded party.

October 2, 2012

the children deserved to have two faithful parents living together, which was the agreement my wife and i had when we married and had children. In my case at least, there's simply no excuse for what she did to the family, or me for that matter. Having marital difficulties? Welcome to marriage, dumb ass. Fix them. An affair doesn't fix a damn thing and when it causes a divorce, the cheating parent can deny damage to the children all they want or claim that the divorce was "better" but they're just fooling themselves.

quoted for truth, brother!!!

October 2, 2012

I respectfully say that the "50%" thing is bunko, and I'm saying that as one who used to buy into that notion wholeheartedly. (I guilt easily. )

If the other person cheats, they own a heckuvalot more than 50% in comparison to the cuckolded party.

Me, too.

my therapist spun it this way, and I like it: Each person is responsible for 50% of their marriage. But if the betrayed spouse is keeping their 50% clean and straight, and the wayward isn't, you end up with a messed up marriage. And your clean 50% can't make someone else do the right thing. We don't control anyone but ourselves.

October 2, 2012

Well said.

He, he. Except that I messed up. I meant to say that they could solve their problems WITHOUT an affair or divorce. Too late to edit.

October 2, 2012

I respectfully say that the "50%" thing is bunko, and I'm saying that as one who used to buy into that notion wholeheartedly. (I guilt easily. )

If the other person cheats, they own a heckuvalot more than 50% in comparison to the cuckolded party.

I agree. Everyone is 100% responsible for their own actions, the affair is completely on the WS. As far as I'm concerned, they are in negative territory at that point in marriage contributions. BS = 50%... Ws = -50%

50% + -50% = 0%. You have no marriage when someone cheats. If the BS is less than perfect it'll be more like 35% + -50% = -15%. ^^ Giant sucking sound towards divorce, whose fault is it?

Is that math better?

October 2, 2012

I agree. Everyone is 100% responsible for their own actions' date=' the affair is completely on the WS. As far as I'm concerned, they are in negative territory at that point in marriage contributions. BS = 50%... Ws = [b']-[/b]50%

50% + -50% = 0%. You have no marriage when someone cheats. If the BS is less than perfect it'll be more like 35% + -50% = -15%. ^^ Giant sucking sound towards divorce, whose fault is it?

Is that math better?

hahahaha!

I'm still fumbling around with my protractor and compass. And I just ran out of space on this paper; is it OK to write our computations on the back side?

October 2, 2012

The bickering and negative energy in a confined space is very good reason to remove the one who cheated.

Yur W CAN work - and NOW she should be working!

Then she can pay for her place she rents... And when the D is finalized you will likely pay a lesser amount of support money.

You want her WORKING! And moving OUT!

There ARE consequences for HER cheating! Make sure she receives THOSE consequences - otherwise you are just rewarding bad behavior!

October 4, 2012

"On the surface" I'll bet ninja's cheating ex would claim things are better off for everyone too.

My wife would like say the same thing. I remember when I told the kids about the divorce. My basic line was that mommy and I couldn't agree on a lot of things, had tried counseling and still couldn't agree. I gave the line that two happy parents in separate households were better than two unhappy parents in the same household. I asked, "You've seen us arguing before, right?" They both instantly said, no. I couldn't disagree. Prior to the affair, we might have argued twice a year and fixed it by morning. During the reconciliation, we did our utmost to never let on to the kids. I still figured they perceived something. Nope. They were blindsided like me. Our divorce made no sense to them. They just had to take my word for it. Their family fell apart out of nowhere. I don't see how anything is "better" for them this way.

October 4, 2012

My mom cheated for years. All three of her kids detest what she did and felt deprived of a mom who was always elsewhere instead of being there for her kids. She was there in body but not in mind

It's 20 years later and she still doesn't get it nor does she get why we don't care to listen to her justifications.

Even now I suppose she is still selfish and can't see the damage she did too her kids.

October 4, 2012

"On the surface" I'll bet ninja's cheating ex would claim things are better off for everyone too.

Seems like you might have missed the entire point of his thread, perhaps?

Yup, and she has tried to rub it in my face many times, "DD is\will be JUST FINE". My WW is so clueless...she has no idea what it's like to be a child in a split family. (I do, my parent's divorced when I was 5.) Kids don't always show the pain they are feeling. Sometimes things don't hit you until many years later. Some of the damage is developmental, people don't even realize it's there.

We have done our utmost to minimize the damage to DD and have seemingly been pretty successful, but I worry we've only spread the pain out. I finally took some family pictures off the mantle piece a couple weeks ago while dusting. I put them in DD's room. She came to me later with the pictures telling me couldn't handle it. She cried for 10 minutes as I held her. It was the first time I had seen her cry over her parents' divorce; we had been separated for over 2 months already. The pain was very real and profound. It's not always sudden. I'm very proud of my daughter, but to deny she is hurting is just wrong.

And no DD didn't show any signs of being affected by our turmoil when we took her to a counselor before our decision to D. So boom, blindsided. If you asked her, 100% she would say that she wanted things back the way they were before Mommy's affair.

October 4, 2012

Of course kids are affected.

Have you been honest with her about why the M is ending?

October 5, 2012

"On the surface" I'll bet ninja's cheating ex would claim things are better off for everyone too.

Seems like you might have missed the entire point of his thread, perhaps?

I don't think so. I am stating what I have observed. As I have said time and time again, there are no absolutes about human behavior...now I will add relationships.

Please stop chasing me around soup.

Edited October 5, 2012 by standtall

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Having an affair is playing Russian roulette with your children's wellbeing

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