planetpower Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 (edited) I have been with my H for 6 years and we fell in love. The last few years have been quite a struggle. We made the mistake of moving on our own when the recession first hit and only had part time minimum wage jobs off and on. I had been able to find employment much easier than him while he'd been laid off a few jobs. While struggling with work and college, I've really been feeling like I've had to "mother him". Tell him when to clean and do certain chores or he'll forget and try and justify it with "I'm a forgetful person, I can't help it". Our sex life is pretty much shot and I've been having to force myself to have sex with him. I've been feeling like I've been taking on a lot of the practical concerns and worries. I know everyone makes mistakes, but he really just isn't thinking when it comes to certain things. It feels like I'm the only one to have to make huge decisions such as selling our car to get a cheaper one so we no longer have to make car payments. We do so and he instantly buys a car that has no license plates, registration and that instantly has problems. I told him to take the car to a reliable mechanic for a full diagnostic prior to purchasing....he goes to a small oil service place and pays $20 to have the car looked at! And no shock....he instantly has problems with the car while driving it down! I'm hoping it doesn't end up with money down the drain considering we only ended up with a small portion from our last car. I've been severely anxious to the point I may need to go and get medication. I feel like with all the problems we've encountered, could have been prevented had he listened. It is his inheritance that bought the car, so it's really not my say, but his decisions affect the both of us. I'm having a mental breakdown with everything that's happened within the last few months and when I start to lose it, my husband yells at me that I need to calm down and not freak out. I really don't know what to do. I love him, but ultimately his lack of thinking and foresight is causing me a lot of grief and I'm at a breaking point right now. I'm considering separating...even temporarily to see if things become clear. Edited October 1, 2012 by planetpower
StartingOver4 Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Hi planetpower. I just wanted to say that I understand. I separated from my husband 3 weeks ago - not because of the reasons you mentioned, but he did (or didn't do) those things you mentioned. We've been together 14 years. While frustrating, I saw it like this: what other skills/characteristics did he bring to the table? For example, my husband was awesome at home improvement projects. He did all of the heavy lifting, no matter what it was. I handled the finances/appointments/organization/details. We actually worked well in that regard. Since separating, I'm coming to appreciate just how physically easy I had it. I'm doing it all by myself, and it's no picnic. My point is, some people aren't good with details. Some are. Try to consider the things he does that compensate, if there are any. 1
StartingOver4 Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Sorry, I got cut off. I was also going to say that the diminished sex drive should maybe be of more concern. I find that physical intimacy is a litmus test for the rest of the relationship. I know that my sex life with my husband went down the tubes in the past year. In sum, the lack of attention to details/forgetfulness on his part is probably something that won't change. Do some serious thinking about his other contributions, and whether you're willing to take over most of the responsibility for the details. Good luck to you.
riverratt Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 In sum, the lack of attention to details/forgetfulness on his part is probably something that won't change. That I wouldn't say that. My ex said the same thing. The only thing she has ever said negative about me.. I cooked,cleaned,laundry etc. as much as she did. Anything....But I am bad about procrastination. I do know that and have really improved that to the degree that she has made remarks of how that it was sad I wasn't like that when were together... We separated and with in a week she said she was happy now and wanted a divorce..She never gave me the benefit of the doubt. Now she is questioning her decision but it is too late. She swore I would never do what I have managed to do. People can get their head out of their rear end. I will say that if does happen with your husband it will be after you split up. She just never was loud enough till she left. Not her fault but it is the fact of it. Don't assume people can't change.. 2
StartingOver4 Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Well, I wasn't assuming he CAN'T change. I said he probably won't. And, again, he probably won't. Change is incredibly hard when we want it to happen. It's even harder (if not impossible) when we're doing it for someone else. I just think the OP should examine what else her husband brings to the table.
riverratt Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Well, I wasn't assuming he CAN'T change. I said he probably won't. And, again, he probably won't. Change is incredibly hard when we want it to happen. It's even harder (if not impossible) when we're doing it for someone else. I just think the OP should examine what else her husband brings to the table. Please don't be upset at me...Meant no offence.. I was referring to my ex wife being so upset that she was so convinced that it couldn't happen. I realized for myself what it was or wasn't and it became important for me to adjust for me. Was saying to give some time to see what the out come is. He may come around and then again he may not..Hopefully he will for him and possibly her.
StartingOver4 Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Oh, no offense taken - I was just clarifying. Ideally, her husband would change - as would mine. But sometimes it's better to change the way we think about things, than to wait around for change that may never happen. 2
M30USA Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Oh, no offense taken - I was just clarifying. Ideally, her husband would change - as would mine. But sometimes it's better to change the way we think about things, than to wait around for change that may never happen. Best thing to do is live your life as if people will never change, never expect them to change, and make peace with them not changing. Then if you're proven wrong, you're proven wrong. But seriously, don't even hope someone changes. Even hoping for a change I think is not realistic or good. I've learned this the hard way. I think I just went through some pretty rough crap. I was so certain that I was incredibly wronged. Apparently my ex wife thinks I deserved it. So it goes. I've given up expecting her to change. Won't happen. I'm at peace. 1
riverratt Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Oh, no offense taken - I was just clarifying. Ideally, her husband would change - as would mine. But sometimes it's better to change the way we think about things, than to wait around for change that may never happen. I do agree with you..I guess we never know what people will do or how they react to life altering changes. For myself it was the fact that I examined myself, not only, as a husband but a father as well. My ex has told everybody that I am the best father a man can be. I had a teacher tell me the other day that in 20 years of teaching she has never had a student as well mannered and polite as my son..Very proud to hear that. He has a very tender heart and is very compassionate even though he competes in full contact Martial Arts tournaments. I think if a person is a good father and not a good husband they are messing up. So many things go hand in hand with one another. One of the things I have realized!! 1
riverratt Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Best thing to do is live your life as if people will never change, never expect them to change, and make peace with them not changing. Then if you're proven wrong, you're proven wrong. But seriously, don't even hope someone changes. Even hoping for a change I think is not realistic or good. I've learned this the hard way. I think I just went through some pretty rough crap. I was so certain that I was incredibly wronged. Apparently my ex wife thinks I deserved it. So it goes. I've given up expecting her to change. Won't happen. I'm at peace. I feel your pain...and realize you have been burned. but wouldn't you want someone to give you a chance one day? Not saying that everyone deserves it or will make adjustments though.. I guess I feel burned because I feel like it was a hit to my character by not been giving the benefit of the doubt when I know I was willing I just needed time to understand things myself and wasn't given the chance..Well I was given 2 weeks before she asked for a divorce after she left which was only 1 month after she dropped the bomb and blindsided me. BTW. I filed. I didn't wait on her.
Author planetpower Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 People can get their head out of their rear end. I will say that if does happen with your husband it will be after you split up. She just never was loud enough till she left. Not her fault but it is the fact of it. Don't assume people can't change.. I agree with this. While talking with some close relatives and friends, sometimes it means getting down and serious and meaning business. Many times we've threatened divorce and splitting up, but never have actually separated. I'm really at my breaking point now. Especially since he didn't listen about the car when I told him to get a full diagnostic to prevent this. If he wants to keep me, he needs to get his act together. I don't want to mother him. I love him and this is tearing me apart, but I can no longer live like this. He needs to make informed choices without me telling him...he's nearly 30 years old. I want him to be happy...and I want to be happy. I don't want to fight every time we go on a trip together...I don't want to be irritated at the sight of him.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 he really just isn't thinking The amusement in the above seems to be lost on everyone else. 1
StartingOver4 Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Well...you sound pretty resolute regarding separation being the answer - so what are you conflicted about? You're either open to working on things with him, or you're not. A separation shouldn't be used as a means to manipulate someone into acting a certain way. And it would be a good idea to stop threatening one if you don't intend to follow through. We teach others how to treat us.
2sunny Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Well, I wasn't assuming he CAN'T change. I said he probably won't. And, again, he probably won't. Change is incredibly hard when we want it to happen. It's even harder (if not impossible) when we're doing it for someone else. I just think the OP should examine what else her husband brings to the table. Change is NOT hard when a person INTENDS to change! I've CHNGED literally EVERYTHING about my life. IF you want change - action needs to take place to MAKE it happen. Contrary action for everything to bring about change. Change brings hope!
StartingOver4 Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 2sunny - ever hear the saying, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions"? Intention does not usually translate to action. You might be one of the truly lucky people for whom change is easy. But the majority of people struggle with any kind of fundamental change. And they should - most of who we are is pretty ingrained by adulthood. Now, with vigilance and careful planning, change can happen. But if change were easy, I believe people would be a lot healthier and happier.
Author planetpower Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 Well, the car he bought was a total wash...started acting up within a few days of getting it. Now 4500 down the hole, he'll be lucky if he can get 2000 back for it. And I remember telling him the night before "go to a reputable place" "go to a reputable place"! He didn't listen and this is a huge financial hit for us. When you're limited on money, you try and make the best decisions possible. This is nearly a deal-breaker for me. It's caused so much grief and I'm more affected by it than he is.
pink_sugar Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 (edited) That is a good point. Edited October 4, 2012 by pink_sugar
Author planetpower Posted October 4, 2012 Author Posted October 4, 2012 I am trying not to let it get to me. It was also his inheritance money that bought the original more reliable car, so I suppose if he wanted to sell, it's his decision. And when I suggested selling to cut our living costs down...if he really wanted to keep the car, I'm sure he'd say so. My mom suggested controlling the finances of his inheritance, but for obvious reasons, I am not comfortable with it nor legally entitled to his inheritance. Marriage only implies that income earned from work or lottery during marriage is joint. But inheritance is not, nor do I think he'd let me manage it. Now when we have more professional and reliable jobs, I may have to manage finances then...but definitely not his inheritance.
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