Mint Sauce Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 just need to vent: today she started her job at the place I work, and she got an office next to mine (only place available). Managed to avoid her pre lunch, but a fire drill and an unintentional encounter at the coffee machine ended a 5 week NC period. We didn't speak, just looked each other in the eyes briefly. She appeared emotionless. My legs were trembling. It killed me. She seems to have gotten her act together: she looked much better than the last time we met early august. And she's still with my friend. Ugh. I'll have to find a way to heal while seeing her on a daily basis. This is going to leave one ugly scar. How could she.
Hawaii50 Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Yikes, sounds like a sticky situation. I bet she was stirred too, though. If you care about your job you're going to have to do something. The only thing I can think of is don't acknowledge other than when you need, professionally. and continue putting the past behind you.
Chi townD Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 REALLY?!?!? That sucks, and if your office walls are as paper thin as the ones at my work, I'm sure you can probably hear her talking. I would talk to your manager about moving offices as quickly as possible (as soon as the next one opens up) In the meantime. Be upbeat! SMILE!! Be friendly to everone around you!! Make it be know that her presence doesn't bother you in the least. 1
Author Mint Sauce Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 I would talk to your manager about moving offices as quickly as possible (as soon as the next one opens up) That will happen, but the place is so small that contact will be unavoidable. In the meantime. Be upbeat! SMILE!! Be friendly to everone around you!! Make it be know that her presence doesn't bother you in the least. This is interesting: doesn't doing so keep her in the focus? If I really don't/try not to care about what she thinks, I can just as well behave in a genuine way around her. I still manage good spirits with my colleagues, but after the confrontation, alone behind my computer, no good science was produced...
Balzac Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Exactly~how could she and more importantly how could he? Sucks to be in the zone daily but encounter #1 is the worst, attribute shaking limbs to anxiety and the adrenalin rush. So she looks more "together" you're a brilliant man with historical knowledge here~likely she's not solidly "better". She's onto a new distraction and in that the tidal waves of who she truly is. You'll find your coping mechanisms. Breathe. Remind yourself of what you know and how limited we each are in our ability to change others. Hang in there. I cannot imagine it. You have standing and presence, maintain your territory is my recommendation. War is hells.
Chi townD Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 That will happen, but the place is so small that contact will be unavoidable. This is interesting: doesn't doing so keep her in the focus? If I really don't/try not to care about what she thinks, I can just as well behave in a genuine way around her. I still manage good spirits with my colleagues, but after the confrontation, alone behind my computer, no good science was produced... All I'm saying is don't give her the satsifaction of knowing her being there bothers you. That you DO have a life without her in it. Don't let her go back to your former Ex friend and report that you look sad, angry, withdrawn, silent, pitiful....none of that. Because, you know damn well, he's going to be asking about her first day and her interaction with you. You'd be a fool to think otherwise.
Balzac Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Remind yourself, often, nonresponders eventually drop out of the data. You will always maintain the history and intimate knowledge of her. As time unwinds you will put that to Goid use in reframing your script. Often we come to vary different conclusions using the same data base. You're feeling anxiety and pain now, it's uncomfortable. It's misery. Hang in there. How's your bowser?
Mike_d Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 how you *feel* is up to you, how you *feel* is a choice. there is a bunch of fear that I read within your initial post, might be good to sit down and really think hard about this, write out what your fears are, think about what about you you can control. think about why your reaction to her is so different from any other woman in the office. look at another woman and consider why your reaction to her is so bland/emotionless. now look at your ex, what would you have to let go of within you to get to this same emotional state? you are in total control of the situation, take charge of yourself and your emotions. yes, this is difficult, but it is most do-able
Author Mint Sauce Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 Because, you know damn well, he's going to be asking about her first day and her interaction with you. You'd be a fool to think otherwise. Indeed, he must feel rather uncomfortable with his new gf being in an office next to her ex of 6 years. But I honestly don't care about that. His confidence in all of this, his opinion of me, it leaves me dead cold. I used to be angry with him for what he did, but I've reached the state of blissful indifference w.r.t him. Her on the other hand, like a pathetic juvenile without boundaries, I still love her. That she's sleeping with him is so massively beyond what I can emotionally grasp, that it's not even entering the equation. @Balzac, yes, I will defend my territory, but being fairly new here as well, I'll have to do some fast marking And indeed, she's obviously not solidly better. Or at least, I can't imagine that. Her issues (she has major sexual issues, which I won't detail here) can't dissolve like that. But that's not enough for me. I accepted her being asexual, to my own frustration, only for her to go sleep with my friend because she does manage to have sex when it's borderline casual. And blind as she is, she thinks this time (5th relationship), the sex is going to keep on working... Yes, I know, on to a new girl with a healthy appetite, but I love this one in spite of her issues, but it wasn't appreciated obviously. She did ask my ex-friend whether he'd be ok with not having sex anymore in the future. The sucker, getting laid daily now, said he'd be ok with that. I can't believe the absurdity I find myself in.
Author Mint Sauce Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 think about why your reaction to her is so different from any other woman in the office. look at another woman and consider why your reaction to her is so bland/emotionless. now look at your ex, what would you have to let go of within you to get to this same emotional state? 6 years of attachment and the objective realization that she's in a different league compared to the other women here. Of course that's why I face such strong competition from other men, and eventually I'd have to lose one of those battles... So part of the fear is indeed that for me in the future there's no "on to new and better", only "settling"... Yeah, I know, I have confidence issues. Especially now I'm going bald
Balzac Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 (edited) Human psyche can most definitely play the absurd card. Whom we love and desire is brain chemicals. No faulting you on that count. Venting helps. Lifting your leg to mark your territory is of value. Observing and being watchful may be of painful duty but only with time passing can you make new decisions. Her fragile psyche is a hook for you. I surmise that your gut tells you this new relationship is fleeting. No man chooses misery. I'm glad you can admit to your honest feelings and anguish. Edited October 1, 2012 by Balzac Bald can be repaired.
Author Mint Sauce Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 (edited) it's very expensive though. I'll try the shaved look first. Edited October 1, 2012 by Mint Sauce for my comfort it could have been a bit more fleeting
Balzac Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Shaved is popular and acceptable. As to fleeting-these things are never short enough. Again, sorry for your loss, misery and loss of sanctity of work space. Violated on all turf is massively stressful.
Recommended Posts