River Rain Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Hi everyone, This is a pre-dating issue I guess. I'm here to ask for opinions I'm truly stuck. See...I have depression, and although I manage it very well, I do have some sad days where my mood just won't budge. It happens rarely now and I work very hard to fight it, but it does happen and it's something I have to accept. The good news is that I'm able to bounce back quicker each time. I've also been alone and celibate for the last 18 years. I'm 44-years old. The reason is, I lost a child in 1994 and it took me many years to come to terms with that. I also had a very abusive upbringing. For most of those 18 years, the depression was in full swing and I didn't have the energy for anything, no friends, family, especially a boyfriend. It's easy for me to bare my soul right now because I'm anonymous. Now that I'm feeling better...real life is knocking on my door. I had a distance relationship for 3 months and I told him everything because I think that the best policy is honesty. We are now apart, I never met him, but I wonder...did I tell him too much? I mean, I did lots of therapy and it kind of becomes second nature to talk about your life in personal detail. I wasn't looking for pity, just understanding. Should I keep it all a secret? I mean, the depression? Losing my daughter? (she was stillborn). My abusive childhood?...and most of all, should I keep it a secret that I haven't had sex in 18 years? Before that I had only 2 boyfriends, and I was young and inexperienced and to be quite frank...those 2 guys didn't turn me into a sex fiend...I think I am still inexperienced but I do want to enjoy sex for once, I'm hardly inhibited...just inexperienced and kind of nervous for the first time...is that a turn-off? Are there bits and pieces that should remain a secret? I'm so inexperienced with relationships that I don't know how to act sometimes I guess. I worry about being so vulnerable and trusting too. Lots of questions, thanks for considering these things. It's something I've been struggling with because I don't want to push anyone away or make anyone think I have "issues" or "baggage" when I don't. What do you think? What would you keep secret? Are there things you have kept secret and why?
darkmoon Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 (edited) i have been depressed, telling people unfortunately puts them off, it's just too miserable-sounding, they may already have their own problems, most everybody has problems - so the fact is, in my experience, you would do better to avoid burdening other people if you want them to stick around, yes, i learned to keep it secret, besides, tbh, what can anybody do about your problems? nothing - so i think you need counselling to get over the past Edited October 1, 2012 by darkmoon
Author River Rain Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 I appreciate your response, but I actually did mention that I manage depression. I did therapy and am over the past, as much as one can be, you can't erase memories, but you can choose not to let them devour you - which I choose. It's simply knowledge at this point. I understand that if I were in full depression mode, it wouldn't be fair to be with someone since I'm not looking for a therapist, I'm looking for a life partner, that's why I kept to myself until I was able to manage it. I hope that didn't sound pushy, I just wanted to clarify that I'm not in deep depression and looking to dump things on others, because I am very healthy now. 1
january2011 Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 I'm so sorry that you had all those experiences. I think that it's only fair to come clean and allow your history to unfold as you communicate with your future SO. Especially since the effects of your depression may crop up again and you would need him to be there to support you rather than be confused about why you are pushing him away. If you still have triggers, then you need to tell him so that he is aware of them and is prepared to help you work things out. With regard to the LDR, you don't know that it wouldn't have ended anyway, regardless of what you divulged. Best to just leave that experience in the past and reassess when you meet someone new. That is, give the new guy a chance. 1
JamesM Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Should I keep it all a secret? I mean, the depression? Losing my daughter? (she was stillborn). My abusive childhood?...and most of all, should I keep it a secret that I haven't had sex in 18 years? I'm hardly inhibited...just inexperienced and kind of nervous for the first time...is that a turn-off? Are there bits and pieces that should remain a secret? Eventually with the right man, nothing should be a secret. However, to unload everything on someone too soon is not the best way. My wife had an abusive past and other issues. She told me some of it, and I figured out most of the rest by what she had told me. She confirmed it and expanded on it. We had many long talks. I don't think I know every detail, but only because I don't need to know. I am glad that I know her past, because without that knowledge I would be confused by some of the things that have happened over the years. There is no reason to be ashamed of depression. This is not because of something you did just like you did not invite the abuse. Keeping it a secret implies that you feel guilty or feel ashamed. You should not. Losing a child as a stillborn is traumatic. It again is nothing to be ashamed of nor is it something to avoid. This was your daughter and her death hurt you deeply. If a man leaves you after hearing this, then he certainly is not the man for you. As for being sexually inexperienced, this may be something that is a turn-off or the opposite for a guy. It is hard to say. But for your own sake, take any relationship slowly until you are comfortable in giving yourself to someone. It doesn't need to feel like you have to do it to keep someone. So, depression, losing a child, an abusive childhood...all out of your control and a part of who you are today. None should be kept a secret, but none should be "revealed" until you begin to trust someone. A future husband needs to know to better understand you, but he does not need to be loaded on during the first couple of dates. But if he doesn't know until he is "hooked," then he may feel resentment. If he knows before the two of you get serious, then he knows what he is getting into, and you feel secure in knowing that he loves you for who you are. Oh, and sex...it tends to take care of itself. 1
Author River Rain Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 I'm so sorry that you had all those experiences. I think that it's only fair to come clean and allow your history to unfold as you communicate with your future SO. Especially since the effects of your depression may crop up again and you would need him to be there to support you rather than be confused about why you are pushing him away. If you still have triggers, then you need to tell him so that he is aware of them and is prepared to help you work things out. With regard to the LDR, you don't know that it wouldn't have ended anyway, regardless of what you divulged. Best to just leave that experience in the past and reassess when you meet someone new. That is, give the new guy a chance. Thank you. I did that with the last guy, and he said he'd support me, he even said he'd do reading on depression to understand it better...but it was all talk from him, so I guess I'm gun-shy a little. My new guy gets a clean slate for sure, that's my policy because I always put myself in their shoes and I wouldn't want them to "suffer" for the last one that used me and left me on the curb.
Author River Rain Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 Eventually with the right man, nothing should be a secret. However, to unload everything on someone too soon is not the best way. My wife had an abusive past and other issues. She told me some of it, and I figured out most of the rest by what she had told me. She confirmed it and expanded on it. We had many long talks. I don't think I know every detail, but only because I don't need to know. I am glad that I know her past, because without that knowledge I would be confused by some of the things that have happened over the years. There is no reason to be ashamed of depression. This is not because of something you did just like you did not invite the abuse. Keeping it a secret implies that you feel guilty or feel ashamed. You should not. Losing a child as a stillborn is traumatic. It again is nothing to be ashamed of nor is it something to avoid. This was your daughter and her death hurt you deeply. If a man leaves you after hearing this, then he certainly is not the man for you. As for being sexually inexperienced, this may be something that is a turn-off or the opposite for a guy. It is hard to say. But for your own sake, take any relationship slowly until you are comfortable in giving yourself to someone. It doesn't need to feel like you have to do it to keep someone. So, depression, losing a child, an abusive childhood...all out of your control and a part of who you are today. None should be kept a secret, but none should be "revealed" until you begin to trust someone. A future husband needs to know to better understand you, but he does not need to be loaded on during the first couple of dates. But if he doesn't know until he is "hooked," then he may feel resentment. If he knows before the two of you get serious, then he knows what he is getting into, and you feel secure in knowing that he loves you for who you are. Oh, and sex...it tends to take care of itself. Thank you so much. Yes, I learned that hiding = shame. That's why I'm an open book. I did that with the last guy, what you said, gradually revealing things as our trust built and telling more detail when he asked. I did all of that before the I love you's, because I agree, I want him to know me before we get serious. But yeah...it just didn't end well, he started to use some of that against me during our first conflict. Sex takes care of itself huh? That made me grin. I'm so afraid I'm going to overcompensate for the lack experience...I certainly won't rush in, I'm not into casual anything, but this is something I'm so afraid to tell people. Because once I tell them I've been along this long, the question is why...then everything else will eventually come out.
january2011 Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 You really sound like you know what you need to do and have clearly thought things through. I'd take JamesM's experience as a strong testament that the right guy will not punish you for coming clean. And if the next guy can't even handle your telling him about your past, then he's unlikely to be supportive enough to be there if and when you get a depressive episode and you really need him. A good self-selecting test, in my opinion.
JamesM Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Thank you so much. Yes, I learned that hiding = shame. That's why I'm an open book. I did that with the last guy, what you said, gradually revealing things as our trust built and telling more detail when he asked. I did all of that before the I love you's, because I agree, I want him to know me before we get serious. But yeah...it just didn't end well, he started to use some of that against me during our first conflict. I am so sorry that you had some jerk violate your trust! That is wrong. He was free to leave but to use your vulnerability against you? It does not mean the next guy will be the same. You sound like a neat person, and I hope you find someone who deserves you. Sex takes care of itself huh? That made me grin. I'm so afraid I'm going to overcompensate for the lack experience...I certainly won't rush in, I'm not into casual anything, but this is something I'm so afraid to tell people. Because once I tell them I've been along this long, the question is why...then everything else will eventually come out. Let it all come out! When you tell a man everything and you know he loves you for all of you, then I hope he can handle your passion! I can only imagine how THAT evening will go! If you hold any of your past back, then YOU will always wonder: "Would he love me if he REALLY knew me?" And then this will affect you in many ways...including your ability to be sexually free. 1
Author River Rain Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 You really sound like you know what you need to do and have clearly thought things through. I'd take JamesM's experience as a strong testament that the right guy will not punish you for coming clean. And if the next guy can't even handle your telling him about your past, then he's unlikely to be supportive enough to be there if and when you get a depressive episode and you really need him. A good self-selecting test, in my opinion. Thank you! But you know, it's all theory and I'm a worrier, darn it. I know I just have to be myself, but I guess that fear of rejection is in everyone. And you're right, I will need support at times when/if the depression rears its ugly head again. I would do for him, so, I would hope he would do that for me too. Well spoke...a self-selecting test. Very true, thank you for saying that! It puts a different perspective on my worry! 1
Author River Rain Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 I am so sorry that you had some jerk violate your trust! That is wrong. He was free to leave but to use your vulnerability against you? It does not mean the next guy will be the same. You sound like a neat person, and I hope you find someone who deserves you. Thank you I'm neat. Yeah, he was wrong for so many reasons! When I went to him two weekends ago, for support because I was feeling really bad, he told me I was being needy and he ignored me for 5 days....it was because my dog was on death's door, he was my buddy for 17 years and I felt so helpless and I was having a hard time making the euthanasia decision. I trusted what he'd told me, that I could always go to him, but he really let me down that time. Bad man. Let it all come out! When you tell a man everything and you know he loves you for all of you, then I hope he can handle your passion! I can only imagine how THAT evening will go! If you hold any of your past back, then YOU will always wonder: "Would he love me if he REALLY knew me?" And then this will affect you in many ways...including your ability to be sexually free. OMG...I totally blushed at what you wrote, lol, but you know, 18 years of pent up sexual energy, plus the fact that I'm in my prime? Geez...there may be ambulances involved.... You're right, I don't want to keep secrets. I just need to reveal them slowly. There are some details I will never get into, but the general knowledge of my past, I think is important. 1
JamesM Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Thank you I'm neat. Yeah, he was wrong for so many reasons! When I went to him two weekends ago, for support because I was feeling really bad, he told me I was being needy and he ignored me for 5 days....it was because my dog was on death's door, he was my buddy for 17 years and I felt so helpless and I was having a hard time making the euthanasia decision. I trusted what he'd told me, that I could always go to him, but he really let me down that time. Bad man. Wow! His loss and your definite gain. Better to have found about him before getting any more serious with him. It is too bad that he hurt you so and took some trust of men away, but truly....not all men are like him. Most are not. OMG...I totally blushed at what you wrote, lol, but you know, 18 years of pent up sexual energy, plus the fact that I'm in my prime? Geez...there may be ambulances involved.... I will not try to imagine too much! I can say that whomever he is, he will be one really lucky (and tired out) guy! You're right, I don't want to keep secrets. I just need to reveal them slowly. There are some details I will never get into, but the general knowledge of my past, I think is important. As you get to know this guy, then you can decide how much to tell him and when. I never loved my wife (then girlfriend) less for telling me. If anything, I admired her more for the strength she must have had to survive over the years. BTW, have you had the opportunity to talk with a counselor? 1
Author River Rain Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 but truly....not all men are like him. Most are not. Yeah, I know most men are good. It's just that I had to pick him for the first one in 18 years. My radar isn't working I guess, lol...I need more experience. I will not try to imagine too much! I can say that whomever he is, he will be one really lucky (and tired out) guy! So...telling a guy about my, ahem, born-again virginity would be good then? If I maybe put in light of my pent-upness so to speak?? He better have a good ticker... As you get to know this guy, then you can decide how much to tell him and when. I never loved my wife (then girlfriend) less for telling me. If anything, I admired her more for the strength she must have had to survive over the years. BTW, have you had the opportunity to talk with a counselor? That's nice how you feel about your wife, very noble. And yes, I did 9 years of therapy actually. Stopped 2 years ago when I had enough of hearing my own story over and over. In my view, time + talking = healing. So I had that in spades. Thanks for asking 1
CaptJay Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Thank you I'm neat. Yeah, he was wrong for so many reasons! When I went to him two weekends ago, for support because I was feeling really bad, he told me I was being needy and he ignored me for 5 days.... I think you've got a good head on your shoulders and should be applauded for your long-term therapy work! I hope you are proud of all of your progress - seriously, how many people devote that type of time and energy to better themselves? Very few... I agree with you 100% that this guy was acting very badly, and have nothing to say to the contrary. HOWEVER, sometimes people don't understand the depths of depression that people can go through, which is evident in him thinking that you were just "needy" and should be ignored. I have been dealing with cycles of moterate-to-severe depression for years, and I can safely say that unless a person sees for themselves just how low their depression can sink, it is hard for them to empathize. You'll often hear inexperienced people tell you to "get over it," ask why you're blowing things out of proportion, etc. This is extremely frustrating because we know these dark feelings are very true and very real, and we then get (possibly) angry because this person is not showing any compassion because they don't understand how you truly feel in the first place. I'm not making any excuses for you ex; just saying that depression is a cruel and tricky disease that tends to leave people frustrated at the one suffering when that should not be the case - ever. cj
Author River Rain Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 I think you've got a good head on your shoulders and should be applauded for your long-term therapy work! I hope you are proud of all of your progress - seriously, how many people devote that type of time and energy to better themselves? Very few... I agree with you 100% that this guy was acting very badly, and have nothing to say to the contrary. HOWEVER, sometimes people don't understand the depths of depression that people can go through, which is evident in him thinking that you were just "needy" and should be ignored. I have been dealing with cycles of moterate-to-severe depression for years, and I can safely say that unless a person sees for themselves just how low their depression can sink, it is hard for them to empathize. You'll often hear inexperienced people tell you to "get over it," ask why you're blowing things out of proportion, etc. This is extremely frustrating because we know these dark feelings are very true and very real, and we then get (possibly) angry because this person is not showing any compassion because they don't understand how you truly feel in the first place. I'm not making any excuses for you ex; just saying that depression is a cruel and tricky disease that tends to leave people frustrated at the one suffering when that should not be the case - ever. cj Thanks I'm so much better these days. Sorry you're going through that, and yup, I've heard them all. "go for walk, it'll do you good", "just smile and be happy" oh, and my favourite "you're lucky you don't live in Iraq"...hello, reference point??? I can laugh about it now, but when those things were said to dismiss my pain, I felt very betrayed. The ex, well, if he was frustrated by me, he should have had the balls to say so instead of ignoring me. He already knew at that point what the silent treatment did to me because I'd always been very clear to him about stuff like that. But alas, he made the choice to ignore me. So be it.
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