WantToMoveOn Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 I broke up with my g/f of 4.5 years about 2 weeks ago. I had a couple of months before the breakup to prepare and start letting go (as did she), and so once we broke up, I was more-or-less ready to date someone new. So, last week, I did. Rumors of this got back to my ex and now she's questioning me about my new interest. To try and spare her feelings, I've denied even being interested in this person. She won't leave it alone. She says she's still in love with me and really hurt that I would start seeing someone so quickly. She calls frequently, including late at night, probably trying to check up on me, but certainly trying to make me feel guilty and to play 20 questions. I really want to be compassionate to my ex, but this really is getting ridiculous. I finally got frustrated and tried laying down the law by saying what I do now is not her business, and for about a day, she seemed to accept that, but she's gone right back to the crap again. She was very insecure in our relationship, which is one of the big reasons we broke up, and it's just gotten worse now. What do I do?? Do I tell her to leave me alone completely (or take action to prevent her from contacting me)? Do I tell her to get counselling (which she obviously needs)? Should I tell her the truth about me dating or should I continue to keep that a secret? Should I have waited to start dating again and/or should I not date again for a while? Thanks in advance for any advice-- it's desperately needed.
Starnette83 Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 damn i feel sorry for her not you, but either way i wish she could realize that she doesnt need you! Anyways tell her the truth, tell her that u are seeing soemoen else, yes it will hurt her alot, but to apoint where she will feel so angry at u that it will help her in forgetting about u!
WantToMoveOn Posted July 27, 2004 Posted July 27, 2004 Wow, it sounds like you think I'm horrible. I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to keep her from obsessing over me. What exactly did I do wrong and what can I do to be less of an @$$?
Pained Posted July 27, 2004 Posted July 27, 2004 I agree with what the last poster wrote. However, you DID do her a disservice by already starting to let go before actually breaking up with her, so you really can't fault her her feelings. You may have been ready to date, but out of interest to her feelings, you could have waited. If this new person is worth it, she would have waited anyway.
Evanescence Posted July 27, 2004 Posted July 27, 2004 Ok.. I hope I don't sound to angry in this post, but reading your post really hit a sore spot with me. My ex who i was with for a bit over 5 years just broke up with me in January. It was the WORST thing I had ever gone through. The weirdest part was the month before, heck the DAY before we were talking seriously about getting engaged. We had plans for a vacation the next month, etc. After he broke up with me I found out he was thinking about it for about a month. Now that I think about it, I know it was at very LEAST 2 months. So he did have some time to prepare. Anyway, it started with a break. Two weeks later he said he wanted to "see other people" and that week, he did so. What do I think, still to this very day even though he won't admit it? That he left me for this girl. It's the only thing that makes sense to me. And I think he's a complete a**h*** for doing it and no matter what he tells me, I will always feel that that is what happened. When the ex did the "break", I called him the night of, the day after, and two days after that. He called me a few days later (only because I made him say he was going to, plus he had to give me some of my stuff that weekend and we had to make arrangements). Anyway, I managed to wait a week before I broke down again and called him. This time is when he told me he wanted to "see other people". Ok, so that was it for me. That told me that i had made the stupid mistake of not giving him his space that he had asked for. So I decided to not call him anymore and I didn't expect to talk to him for a long time. Two days later he calls me and wanted to know how I was, told me he made a mistake but he wanted to live it out a while since he had already made the decision. He actually came to my place (we live 2 hrs apart) and hung out with me for a bit. THen he left and I didn't hear from him for a month. I left a few messages on his voicemail, over that time, but i didn't call him. Finally he responded to a msg i left him. It was then that he told me he had a gf and had been dating her for about a month (so right after we broke up). I was really upset when i heard it. I asked him some stupid questions that I really didn't want to know the answers to.. but in the end, it gave me some closure. I finally realized it was over and I HAD TO MOVE ON. That weekend I went out and had the time of my life FINALLY, with my friends. Although my story is now continuing on with the idiot coming back telling me that he never gave up on the idea of us getting back together and is now telling me that he might want to, etc etc. That is probably not the case with you. Ok, the moral to my story. My ex made some big mistakes. Make sure that she knows its over and that you don't have any thoughts of you two getting back together. This will help her A LOT. My ex kept telling me that we may get back together and this just kept me in this state of limbo.. it sucked. My new saying is expect the worst and hope for nothing (ppl kept telling me to expect the worst and hope for the best. well hoping for the best kept me from moving on). He called me and acted like he cared. It is a lot harder to get over someone when they are constantly coming back and acting like their old self, acting like they care. She will end up hating you, and i mean absolutely hating you, but you can't call and ask her how she's doing. Please cut her out of your life like you want her to cut you out of hers. I'm hope you've already done this. However.... it may be good to sit with her. Either on the phone or in person and answer her questions. This is why she is calling you. I know i had question after question after question. Hell, it's 5, almost 6 months later and i STILL have questions. These questions are the things that are eating her alive. If she calls you and wants to ask questions, ANSWER THEM the best you can. She has to learn why you broke up. Getting answers to her questions will help her move on and find closure. She is desperatly seeking closure and you HAVE TO give her that if you want her to lay off. Finally, yes, tell her about the new girl. Let her believe what she wants to believe. Knowing that you have a new gf will make things seem more final. It is the final thing that he did that helped me move on. About the counselling. Yes, she should get some. I did and I know it helped a lot. Helps shed some light on certain things. However it is not up to you to suggest it. Maybe if you are friends with her friends, ask them to talk to her about it without saying that you suggested it. It's just a decision that she has to make herself. Not a lot of people will admit or like to admit that they seek counselling. Makes them seem crazy when she is an ordinary girl just going through complete heartache. It is especially hard when she is insecure (as i was and still am) to go through this type of thing. She feels that you were the only one for her and that no one will ever love her the way you did and that life from now on is just going to suck, PERIOD. I feel for her.. badly. It was SO tough to go through that. I wish I could talk to her and not just you. It's always good to talk to someone who's going through it or has gone through it recently. That is one thing that got me through it. Without that i know I would be in a much worse state today.
Starnette83 Posted July 27, 2004 Posted July 27, 2004 "I broke up with my g/f of 4.5 years about 2 weeks ago. I had a couple of months before the breakup to prepare and start letting go (as did she), and so once we broke up, I was more-or-less ready to date someone new. So, last week, I did. " Okay you dated her for 4.5 years, most likely this girl loves u, is attached to u and all of a sudden u break up with her and start dating somene new, what kind of respect is this? shes maybe chasing u cuz shes in shock, she doesnt understand whats going on, shes scared, yet honestly one day this girl will wake up and move on with herself and u will maybe A) realize u screwed up or B) stick with this new girl til she bores u and then who knows! "Rumors of this got back to my ex and now she's questioning me about my new interest. To try and spare her feelings, I've denied even being interested in this person. " By lying to her ure being even more hurtful, JUST BE HONEST, be a man and tell her exactly what kinda cheesball u r , sorry:( im pissed cuz thats mest up..she needs to realize it and ya it will hurt her and she might cry but soon she will be angry at u and wont want to speak to u again! I really want to be compassionate to my ex, but this really is getting ridiculous." COmPASSION? COMPASSION WHEN U HAVE STARTED DATING SO SOON AFTER THE BREAKUP AND FORGETTING THAT U DATED THIS CHICK FOR 4.5 YEARS!!! "She was very insecure in our relationship, which is one of the big reasons we broke up, and it's just gotten worse now. " maybe she was insecure cuz she was feeling like you were pulling away, and any normal person would get insecure about that, u would probably give her mixed signals, nice one moment then cold the other... SO PLEASE TELL THIS GIRL THE TRUTH!! I THINK SHEDESERVES THE TRUTH AND I THINK SHE WILL DO JUST FINE WITHOUT YOU! GOODLUCK WITH THE NEW GIRL, SHE MUST BE WORTH IT I GUESS.
april Posted July 27, 2004 Posted July 27, 2004 My heart really goes out for your ex...she's hurting bad. I was in her exact position myself a couple of months ago when my ex dumped me. I called him a couple of times after the break-up, so confused, in denial, and desperately seeking answers. After much pressing, he finally admitted that yes, there was someone else. This was NOT what I wanted to hear, but as devastating as it was - it did not leave me in limbo...all hope is gone, and because of that - I can now move on. When you tell her the truth - you can expect that she will have feelings of seething anger towards you, and she is entitled to those feelings. As for telling her to get counselling , quote : "which she obviously needs", you are in no position to tell her what she needs...she will seek out the necessary help as she sees fit.
faux Posted July 27, 2004 Posted July 27, 2004 Originally posted by WantToMoveOn I broke up with my g/f of 4.5 years about 2 weeks ago. I had a couple of months before the breakup to prepare and start letting go (as did she), and so once we broke up, I was more-or-less ready to date someone new. So, last week, I did. Rumors of this got back to my ex and now she's questioning me about my new interest. To try and spare her feelings, I've denied even being interested in this person. Do not spare people's feelings. It hurts them far more. Intentionally lying to spare someone's feelings only makes things worse, and causes them so much pain. I have had my feelings "spared" before. I wish I had been spared the extra pain that I found almost intolerable. She won't leave it alone. She says she's still in love with me and really hurt that I would start seeing someone so quickly. She calls frequently, including late at night, probably trying to check up on me, but certainly trying to make me feel guilty and to play 20 questions. You don't have to talk to her if she is going to behave in this manner. Your personal life is no longer her concern, and you have a right to your privacy. Telling her the truth, in few words, might help her realize she should move on. I really want to be compassionate to my ex, but this really is getting ridiculous. I finally got frustrated and tried laying down the law by saying what I do now is not her business, and for about a day, she seemed to accept that, but she's gone right back to the crap again. She was very insecure in our relationship, which is one of the big reasons we broke up, and it's just gotten worse now. What do I do?? Do I tell her to leave me alone completely (or take action to prevent her from contacting me)? Do I tell her to get counselling (which she obviously needs)? Should I tell her the truth about me dating or should I continue to keep that a secret? Should I have waited to start dating again and/or should I not date again for a while? Thanks in advance for any advice-- it's desperately needed. I would tell her briefly that you are seeing someone else, and that it is really none of her concern. Leave it at that. You do not have to answer her questions, but telling her the truth in this situation may help. It would be up to her to realize if she has some sort of a problem that needs to be dealt with therapy. In this case, it might be wise to keep your feelings on therapy to yourself. If you do not wan to talk to her any longer, tell her and be blunt about it. You can screen your phone calls, or hang up politely if she does appear at the other end of the phone. All you need to say is, "I'm sory. I said I didn't want to speak with you anymore, and I have to go now. Goodbye." If you are ready to date, you should date. If you have an interest in this new person you should go with that interest. You do not need to accommodate your life so that your ex feels comfortable. I wanted to add something as an aside: When it comes to relationships ending, it does not really matter how long the relationship lasted. Be it four weeks, four months, or four years, it really does not make a difference. If one person is ready to move on, that is entirely up to that individual to move on. If this man feels that he is ready to do so, then that is his right. He does not have to show compassion for his ex by waiting a certain amount of time before living his life. I think the best "compassion" would be to tell her that he is moving on, and to discontinue speaking with her. This would provide time for the ex to heal and move on herself. Down the line, perhaps the two can be civil again. At the moment, nothing he could do would satisfy her, I feel.
WantToMoveOn Posted July 27, 2004 Posted July 27, 2004 Thanks to everyone who posted. I'm sorry to hear of all the pain caused by similiar situations. That's what I was hoping to avoid in mine. There are a few things I want to clarify: 1. She also knew this breakup was coming, and had as much time to prepare for it as I did. In fact, it was her decision to move out-- I just accepted it and basically enforced it. Plus, she had been saying for the past 6 months that we should breakup. 2. Her insecurities have been there since Day 1, so nothing I've done recently has caused that, although I understand that it has fed into it. Last night, she called and we spoke for a long while. She was begging me to take her back, and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do to deny her. I made sure she knew that my denial was based on the reasons we broke up and not because there is someone else (which I still didn't confirm-- from the replies to my original post, though, I guess I will tell her the truth in short order), and that is true. Even if I wasn't seeing someone else now, I still would not want to get back together with her, at least not now or in the foreseeable future. I believe the way 'faux' does, that I am now entitled to live my life without having to worry about what my ex will think. Still, I also believe in being considerate of her feelings because I don't want to send her into a tailspin from which she might never recover. That's my dillema. Am I wrong for feeling that way?
Recommended Posts