Sauron Posted October 5, 2012 Posted October 5, 2012 Yes I see your point, and I did state that I am not blaming BS, just saying that both our responsbile for creating the environment or creating the imbalance. I don't blame my wife for me having an other woman, or any of the women I have had over the years, I have all ways said since I got here I take accountability for that, however her actions, behavior and demeanor certainly created the environment and I could just live with it or not, which I decided I would not. So are you saying that there was no imbalance befiore the A and your spouse just decided to have an A?
Author nofool4u Posted October 5, 2012 Author Posted October 5, 2012 So are you saying that there was no imbalance befiore the A and your spouse just decided to have an A? No, I'm saying that if there is an imbalance before the affair, and there isn't always one, that it is something that could be worked out without resentment. F**k someone else, and you just screwed up the marriage beyond 100% repair, IMHO. Because now you have just given your spouse something to pop in their mind from time to time.
Sauron Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 OK if you are interested...my realtionship was out of balance from the begining. I was not a perfect husband I admit that, I am sure some on here would say I am a husband from hell. But we wore each other out talking about what we both wanted and needed, I could give her what she wanted and needed, but she never could give it back, hang ups, laziness, whatever she couldn't do it. Then we would fight, horrible fights that lasted for days and sometimes weeks. I finally realizied that she would never be able to give me what I wanted, but by then we had kids, a growing small business and the fighting was casuing us all stress beyond belief. So I fixed it and found a solution. I would say that we both contributed to the environment, but I did cross the line so it will forever be out of balance as you indicated. That has been many years ago, but it has worked for me. Good luck to you.
beenburned Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 nofool4u, To bring this topic back on track: It doesn't matter if you stay or divorce, the imbalance will always be there. It will always be unfair that the WS had sex with another person while they were married to you! True happiness comes with acceptance of this fact!(although you never have to like it:lmao:) Some people are not capable of ever accepting this injustice, so they divorce and move on with their lives, or they stay and make themselves miserable. Only you can control how you deal with the injustice/imbalance of infidelity. Whatever path you choose, you learn and grow from this stage of your life and hopefully make it better than before. 3
Author nofool4u Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 I finally realizied that she would never be able to give me what I wanted, but by then we had kids, a growing small business and the fighting was casuing us all stress beyond belief. So I fixed it and found a solution. You fixed it? How?
Author nofool4u Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 nofool4u, To bring this topic back on track: It doesn't matter if you stay or divorce Sure it does. If I have an huge imbalance in a marriage where I have a spouse that betrayed me, I lose the imbalance by getting rid of her. Can't be an imbalance in a marriage if you are no longer in the marriage. True happiness comes with acceptance of this fact!(although you never have to like it:lmao:) True happiness comes from accepting the fact that your spouse had sex with someone else? Huh? 1
Owl Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Sure it does. If I have an huge imbalance in a marriage where I have a spouse that betrayed me, I lose the imbalance by getting rid of her. Can't be an imbalance in a marriage if you are no longer in the marriage. Nothing wrong with this approach if at the end of the day you're happy with it. Not everyone else is happy with this solution...and so they seek other answers to the same question. True happiness comes from accepting the fact that your spouse had sex with someone else? Huh? No...true happiness comes from accepting the fact that it happened...and eventually realizing it doesn't have any impact on how the two of you feel about each other NOW. By putting it in the past, and seeing it has no bearing on today...nor the future. To get to that point, your partner has to have taken tremendous steps in rebuilding trust and communications...but it can be done. 2
Author nofool4u Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Nothing wrong with this approach if at the end of the day you're happy with it. Not everyone else is happy with this solution...and so they seek other answers to the same question. I don't disagree. But I was replying to the notion that an imbalance still exists if you divorce your spouse. No...true happiness comes from accepting the fact that it happened...and eventually realizing it doesn't have any impact on how the two of you feel about each other NOW. I'd say true happiness would come from being in love and being with someone that won't go out and f**k someone else behind your back. Call me kooky. Having said that, I'm not saying that reconciliation isn't possible. I just have a problem with the whole "true happiness" notion in that it comes from accepting that your partner screwed you over.
drifter777 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I guess pretty much everyone agrees that if a BS cannot get past the "balance" thing that their only option is divorce because the balance can never be regained. It's those BS's that are not affected by the imbalance that are able to reconcile. This feel right to me, although I don't want to divorce my WS. This is why I continue to look for a way to even the score without screwing some other woman but maybe there is no other way. I don't think anyone is saying that a revenge affair (ONS) is any guarantee that a BS will feel the marriage is back in balance, but it is the only chance and is probably worth taking if you want to stay with your WS. I'm considering cheating on her to even the score more than I ever have before. If it helps me feel better regarding the whole balance thing it is worth it even if it leads to divorce.
TaraMaiden Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Are you absolutely 100% certain that it WILL make you feel better? What if - what IF - it actually makes you feel, either no better, or in fact - even worse? What then?
road Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Are you absolutely 100% certain that it WILL make you feel better? What if - what IF - it actually makes you feel, either no better, or in fact - even worse? What then? Exactly, revenge affairs don't fix things they only break more things. 1
HappyAtLast Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I'm considering cheating on her to even the score more than I ever have before. If it helps me feel better regarding the whole balance thing it is worth it even if it leads to divorce. I understand how you feel, because I felt the same way. My situation differs from yours though, in the fact that I decided to stay, but not necessarily reconcile. I was able to work through (therapy was not "in vogue" back then) the fact my desire for a revenge affair was only for my own ego, to make myself feel like less of a patsy, I suppose, and to level the playing field. That said, I did forgive her for her infidelity, did fall completely out of love with her (maybe this was in lieu of the revenge affair? The only way that my ego could handle the events?) and remained in the marriage until my kids were old enough to be on their own. The way that I got through it was by telling myself to take things one day at a time. If you will, "I can ALWAYS have an affair tomorrow". After time, I did loose the urge for revenge. Good luck, just know that your feelings are not uncommon, nor are they wrong.
Owl Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I'd say true happiness would come from being in love and being with someone that won't go out and f**k someone else behind your back. Call me kooky. Having said that, I'm not saying that reconciliation isn't possible. I just have a problem with the whole "true happiness" notion in that it comes from accepting that your partner screwed you over. Well...I can't argue that everyone would PREFER that their spouse had never had the affair in the first place...me included. But once it's happened...you're pretty much faced with either divorce, have a revenge affair, or finding a way to "deal with" what's happened in your own way. I get that you see this as "unbalanced scales". But frankly...it is what it is. You can't make it go away, they can't "take it back"...so what's left to do other than what we've already discussed? That's the thing...there are many, many, many "unfair"..."unbalanced" things in our lives. You can either cry and throw a fit about how wrong that is...or you can accept that this is the world you live in and live the best life you can. What else would you suggest someone do? 1
Author nofool4u Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 That's the thing...there are many, many, many "unfair"..."unbalanced" things in our lives. You can either cry and throw a fit about how wrong that is...or you can accept that this is the world you live in and live the best life you can. I realize there are many unfair things in life. And a majority of them aren't worth worrying about. However, when it comes to infidelity, it isn't a small happening and nothing small in the lines of being unfair. So I didn't cry or throw a fit about it. I simply threw her to the curb, that way I can live the best life I can. Because I sure wasn't going to have that with her. What else would you suggest someone do? As I said, divorce. This is a thread simply exploring what goes through people's minds that have decided to stay, but still feel that all is not right with the world because one spouse got to go out and get their fun with someone else, while the other is expected, by most on this site, to just "get over it".
drifter777 Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Are you absolutely 100% certain that it WILL make you feel better? What if - what IF - it actually makes you feel, either no better, or in fact - even worse? What then? How many things do any of us know for absolutely 100% certain? I've tried for many years to come to terms with her cheating and this is one thing that remains completely unresolved. I'm not sure it will make me feel better but I know I don't like the way I have felt about this for the past couple decades. I'm not sure what I have to lose.
TaraMaiden Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 Your dignity, your pride and your righteousness. You'll be lowering yourself to the invidious position of being vengeful, mean-spirited and low. And you will - I promise - hate yourself for it. It won't bring you what you seek, but instead, will simply plunge you deeper into the turmoil you're in. 1
Author nofool4u Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 Your dignity, your pride and your righteousness. You'll be lowering yourself to the invidious position of being vengeful, mean-spirited and low. And he would be lowering himself to the level of his wife.
TaraMaiden Posted October 8, 2012 Posted October 8, 2012 I would have divorced her pronto. I fail to understand, if he feels this way, why he remained in the marriage. Why stay in a situation where the events still cut you to the quick...?
Author nofool4u Posted October 8, 2012 Author Posted October 8, 2012 I would have divorced her pronto. I fail to understand, if he feels this way, why he remained in the marriage. Why stay in a situation where the events still cut you to the quick...? He said his reasons were that he refused to be turned into an every other weekend father and not see his kids every day just because she decided to be a huss. I understand the thinking, but I can't be with a ho. I adjusted to being an every other weekend dad. It sucks, and there is no justice for fathers, but I don't want to be with someone and look at them every day thinking I just want to yell "C**T!!" at her.
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