Just smile Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 I'm new here and really hoping for some serious advice on coping. Here's my story, divorced single mom, became involved 4 years ago with a man who is ten years my senior. We fell in love, and immediately the pattern began of breaking up with him telling me he can't give me what I need or deserve blah blah. Relationship would end always drama filled, with me calling or texting and acting completely pathetic. Eventually I wake up out of the fog,and use he no contact rule which, in the end results in the inevitable phone call from him, usually in tears and expressing his love and how much it kills him and wants to see me, and then the dollar coaster begins. I have children. During our relationship he has made no efforts in wanting anything to do with them, he never wants to come to my home, never wants to spend time with ME or my children. Part of it was my fault as I wasn't ready for the kids to interact with another man. But soon after it became a flag. His kids which are 22 and 17 hate me. I'm not welcome around them,for no particular reason at all.. He had an unusual relationship with the ex whom he said he couldn't stand,and would have her over for bbqs or family gatherings and exclude me from the mix. Most recently attending his daughters graduation to which I wasn't invited in Florida.i let it go but I was hurt, I thought after all this time we could share these events together, but anywhere, where the ex wife was present I wasn't welcome. Moving forward, he takes me away to keys. Proceeds to drink a lot and pretty much every chance he got was checking out other women in front of me,and when he thought I wasn't looking. Without sounding conceited I'm attractive, good figure look much younger than my age, and he is overweight,bald and looks much older than me.all of which wasn't a turn off to me, because I loved the man. When I pointed out the flirting he tells me I have figments of my imagination and need therapy to deal with jealousy. He also has an ongoing best friendship with a long term ex girlfriend, emails, phone calls and before she moved, secretive lunch dates, which I would hear about after the fact.always resulting Ina huge blow out,then, we would break up.. Most recently which caused the current break up, is a business's trip he took. Three days into the trip I haven't received one call to say hi..thinking of u nothing. When I called him, no answer, phone off,etc. he contacted me and acting appalled i was so angry.... One last important issue: the man has low testostorne, very little interest in sex, but when away on business would prefer to Skype and masterbate with me .????? Talk about a blow to my self esteem. Anyway, he insisted n the break up this past weekend. Doesn't want to see or speak to me,is cold, callous and tells me he doesn't want to feel responsible to me, is incapable of giving me what I need. I'm a mess. Can't sleep, eat. Miserable basically. What scares me the most is I know this man will In fact contact me with the cycle again. Most recently he was tracking my whereabouts via my iPad and iPhone. I'm confused, feel out of control and as a desperate attempt to move on created a match.com account ...anybody have any advice for me?
Mcnulty Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 It's all been on his terms..he's a spoilt child. Unless you cut the chord, the process will remain cyclical, you know this. Only you can change the game and get your self esteem back. I may be wrong, but it sounds like you may be codependant, please look it up, if you're not aware of it. He's treat you like a 2nd class citizen and sadly, you've let him. The deal breaker for me would be the fact that he wants nothing to do with your kids...you are all a package and he hasn't bought into it...ever. What is making you put up with the back and forwards of the rel? Codependancy i think. He's fat bald, old, ugly and has a low sex drive...he's also a spoilt immature man who sounds very narcissistic and egocentric....why the hell are you pining for this guy? Find you again, you've lost your identity it seems.
Author Just smile Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 When we were together it was fun, passionate etc...I have no idea what I feel such a need to be with him. I went through an ugly divorce and walked out of a bad marriage with four kids In tow and literally nothing, and yet I stay with this.Narcissistic is the definition I use all the time, but because he isn't attractive I always thought how? He's sadistic . I somehow how thing he could possibly be enjoying this. And then the thrill of the chase to call me and win me back,it has been this way since the first year. I was vulnerable and I guess part of me is afraid of being alone. Co dependent I will need to look up. The man never supported me In any way shape or form. But something tells me this isnt meaning finances. I feel foolish.out of control and pathetic.
TaraMaiden Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 OP, I'm sorry, I'm going to come across as harsh, but for goodness' sake woman, pull yourself together! You're a mother! you've brought children up on your own, and suddenly you've gone all weak-kneed and are acting like a doormat to a man who's basically treating you with no respect whatsoever, sounds rude, abusive and frankly, a little scary!! He is definitely not the kind of man you even want to think about in long-term ways! You should be running in the opposite direction and thank your lucky stars you dodged the bullet! Do not be so desperate that you settle for Mr Warped, Whacko and Weird! Let him contact you all he wants: BLOCK his number. delete all details and delete him off skype and emails. Any text you receive, reply with this: "Your text cannot be delivered as the recipient has blocked this number". Any email you receive, let it go straight to the bin, because he won't know that's where it's gone. Just don't check it....! Deny him all access and block whatever ways, manner or means he has of tracking you. Change your ipad and phone numbers or co-ordinates. For heaven's sake woman, get a grip!! If you read your first post, as if it was being written by your best friend - or a complete stranger, even - what would you tell her?? get control of your life - as it's often said: Get your power back! 1
Shellstartsagain Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Get out of this now. Do what Tara said block every way you can. I had a 5 year relationship with a man identical to this and it sends you insane. I was like this two years ago and it was a nightmare. I felt exactly as you do. It took me 5 months of no contact and I don't even know now what I was fretting about. Keep control and cut him out. You will never be happy fully with him.
Author Just smile Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 This has been ongoing for several years.with a break up almost every month.the longest I went with zero contact was three weeks. Changed every single phone number, email address etc. just as my life was feeling okay and not waking up to a pit in my gut. He showed up outside my house In tears. Shaking. I was mortified ...the next six months was bliss. Then, all over again. He told me he loves 95% of me. But the 5% is the part he can't deal with. I must be a ****ing idiot.just listening to myself type this makes me sick?.. I don't know when I've lost so much self respect for myself.
TaraMaiden Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 .....He told me he loves 95% of me. But the 5% is the part he can't deal with. Seems to me that this 5% he claims he can't deal with, is greater in his mind, than the 95% he CAN deal with. What kind of an 'ass-about-face' dumb comment is that to make? If it really was only 5% it would be a synch.... He's bullcrappin' you. What he means is that he can control 95% of you, but the errant, obstinate and defiant 5% is driving him nuts. Now, if only he could get that under his belt and bring that into line as well, then that would make his dominant, abusive control, complete..... I must be a ****ing idiot.just listening to myself type this makes me sick?.. I don't know when I've lost so much self respect for myself. Good - ! Good, Good, GOOD, GOOD!!! It's brilliant that you are thinking like this - because the fact you recognise that you've lost so much respect for yourself - means that you have respect for yourself!! Repeat everything you have done, previously, except for one thing. And you know what that is, don't you? Next time - don't 'open the door' again. Metaphorically or otherwise.
geegirl Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 (edited) You're completely void of self-respect and self-esteem. Zero. The man gives you nothing. The only reason you hold on is because you're desperate for a man to pay attention to you, to love you and to validate your worth. You keep going back, hoping that it's going to be different the next time. It will never change. He is who he is and what he is showing you is his core. The definition of insanity is repeating the same things and expecting different results. Four years of nothing to show. That should scare you to death. Precious years invested in garbage. When is enough for you? What scares you is that he will come back? Wake up! You have a choice. If you want to live your life differently, you have to make a choice. So what if he comes back, he can't make a come back if you stop the cycle. What should scare you is the fact that you're wasting precious years with this crap. You have children. What would you tell your kids? You'd want them to be rid of this. Why? Because you love them and know and want what is best for them. Why can't you love yourself enough to want and know what is best for you? Create a match account? Why? So you can slap a bandaid on a wound? Or because you need male attention to make to feel worthy? You need a crutch to help you detach from this douchebag? There is no good reason for you to be on Match. If you want to date, you have to be emotionally healthy to open that door so you're able to make wise decisions when choosing a partner. Your picker and radar has to be accurate. Your picker and radar is broken right now. You can't even rationalize your current situation. You could possibly make bad decisions because you're eager to find someone, anyone to help you escape. Stop jumping from one bad situation to one that could be potentially negative to you. You're not in a healthy position to do so. Please, work on finding your self-respect and rebuilding your self-esteem. This man treats you this way because you allow it and he knows you are weak. He is not to blame for any of this. He is being who he is and you're the enabler. So yes, be scared that he will come back because he will and the only person to blame is you. Open the door, and guess what. You just made the choice to live your life in misery. It's up to you. Edited October 1, 2012 by geegirl 2
shayla Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Get rid of him and quick! I know what it feels like to be treated like this, and nothing good will come of it. Get your life back, get your happiness back, get your self respect back.
Author Just smile Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 Gee girl. Your response hit home to me I'm actually a very smart person and I hate that I've allowed the behavior to continue in my life ... I still love this man, but I'm determined to walk and never look back...
TaraMaiden Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Good. Make sure you do. And if you need support and help to focus, come back to us - we'll help you. But you have to "woman-up" and find it within you to change things, from here, and never put up with this again, for one more day. Remember: Never let yourself become a prisoner of someone else's dysfunction. You can quit this. So - do it. 1
Author Just smile Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 Thanks for writing. I was thinking last night, how I left my husband with four kids in tow. With absolutely nothing, and when I left, I left, and never ever looked back. He told me this man he doesn't see a future.he could never picture me and my children living in his home.he said his kids who don't live with him, would be unhappy and his ex wife would probably commit sucidie. I haven't been sleeping well. Although yesterday was a much better day. I'm asking myself if I'm sad because of not having him or because I'm mad at myself for being a stupid *******. I dream of this prick last night. I wish I could inflict as much pain back to this man as he has done to me, but I guess his punishment will be his limp dick and lonely life he will live. Thanks for the support. I'll return if I'm weak.
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