ana0pera Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 last time (and first time, actually) that I met my bf was in March 2012 and we've had a number of set backs in planning a second visit. I went to Europe last time so it's his turn to visit the states. Both of us had very stressful summers due to school, work and family so there was no time for a visit then. When summer ended he started talking about coming over in October, got me super excited, and then out of nowhere told me he didn't think he'd be able to make it because he wants to save more money and time from work. I am obviously disappointed but I am going to Europe for school in January (fingers crossed) so I will definitely see him then (I am planning on staying an extra week and going to his home country). When I told him this he was excited but also told me that he should be able to visit me in the US before that. Fast forward to early last week. I've dropped the subject of him visiting me because it seemed like a lost cause, when he asks is if it is cheap for me to go anywhere warm in the next few months. After a few minutes of discussion I have a revelation. He had been planning on going to the Caribbean with some of his friends for years (before we even met online) and earlier this year they decided on this winter (November or December). However, their trip hasn't been finalized and his friends are frustratingly slow with the details. So then he suggested that he'd like to go somewhere warm with me, since he didn't get a chance to do it over the summer and now the winter plan is falling through. While I live in California, I live in the less-than-sunny Northern part, and I now know that is why he's been hesitant in coming here this fall/winter. I am very excited about the prospect of seeing him yet at the same time I feel like I'm the second best choice/just a travel companion. We've started planning our trip but haven't actually booked anything yet because he is still waiting for confirmation from his friends that their Caribbean trip is going to be cancelled. If they end up wanting to go still, he's going to cancel on me. If that happens, he promises that the two of us will do something, but it hurts/pisses me off that he's gotten me so excited about something that might not happen. Furthermore, he's been so much more affectionate and a better communicator lately, and I am now wondering if he's just being sweet so that I will go with him/bend to his desires. Am I being unreasonable here? I respect his time and need to go out with his friends, but he sees them all the time and they travel together a lot (mostly in Europe though). Whereas here I am, his girlfriend that he hasn't seen in 6 months and he pushes aside an opportunity to visit me. Furthermore, I am going to be spending a lot of money (flight from CA->FL plus half hotel costs) that I hadn't been planning to spend. I wasn't going to visit my family (on the East Coast) this Thanksgiving because it's expensive and I wanted to save up for future visits to Europe since it's his turn to come here. Admittedly, when we first met it wasn't to his home country but flights within Europe were very cheap for him, not even a third of what I am expecting to spend on flights. If I go to FL with him in Nov. as planned, I am also going to go home for thanksgiving because it wont be that much more money and I CANNOT justify going on an expensive holiday and not visiting my elderly family members. I am really excited about the opportunity to spend a week with him, but at the same time I have persistent feelings of doubt about this situation and ultimately us, like I've put my trust into someone who might just be using me. Any outsider opinions would be GREATLY appreciated!
justwhoiam Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Why didn't you plan holidays together? It looks like you're going on holidays with friends instead of taking a chance to be together. I don't see that happening often, and it's even less desirable in a LDR. Unless it's a matter of money... but even then, if one of the two has money to travel, it should be used to meet up. How long have you been together? Was it always like this?
Author ana0pera Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 Why didn't you plan holidays together? We had originally planned to spend some of the summer holiday together but he had a family emergency and i had a work-related emergency at the exact same time, so we had to cancel our summer plans. We've had plans in the works but he has been a bit flaky, because of this trip he's also planning with his friends. It looks like you're going on holidays with friends instead of taking a chance to be together. I don't see that happening often, and it's even less desirable in a LDR. Unless it's a matter of money... but even then, if one of the two has money to travel, it should be used to meet up. How long have you been together? Was it always like this? That is what's happening, he's going on/planning vacation with his friends instead of me, and that's why I am a bit pissed. True, it is cheaper for him to travel in Europe with them than it is for him to visit me, but it is not cheaper for him to go to the Caribbean with them than it is for him to visit me. Our LDR is expensive and it is hard for me especially to take time out of school, so it's not like we can visit very frequently. When we get a chance to see each other I want to seize it. We've been together for 1.5 years and but have only met once (after almost a year of talking online) so we haven't established a rhythm to our visits. I wouldn't say it's always been like this, when we planned our first meeting he made it a priority. When he told me that he wasn't able to visit in October as planned I was quite upset and told him I had some doubts about our relationship because of his hesitancy to visit me, but he assured me that he was still committed to the relationship and promised that we'd be together before January. He made the same promise yesterday, that the two of us will do something special if our current plan falls through because of his friends. I don't feel like our relationship is a priority eventhough he tells me that I am his love and he misses me and so on, if he chooses his friends over me. As for his friends, he travels with them a lot in Europe, usually weekend trips to nearby countries. He's made about 3 such trips between now and when I saw him in March. Are these red flags? Am I being duped?
justwhoiam Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Well, everyone's different. I know I wouldn't like it and I would want him to ask me first. A think a LDR girlfriend shouldn't be treated any different than a standard one. So I guess he wouldn't have arranged trips without her if she was living next door. While he didn't even ask you and told you about it after arrangements had been made. I would let it go for this time, with the promise he's coming this winter. Making it clear that if he misses this chance too, he will know what to expect from you (possible breakup). And anyway, you also have to make it clear that he should treat you like a regular gf, otherwise it's just a farce, and you're not interested in that. It'd be nice if you can have a vacation together to a third country (half way for both maybe).
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