sex too soon

[sillychick]

Well here's another sex too soon story. Ugh!!

 

What I'm coming here for advice on isn't exactly what you might think. Here's the story, I'll try to be brief but brevity is not my strong suit.

 

We started talking on Match about 5 weeks ago. After a week we switched to phone and text. We texted for about a week and talked on the phone twice before meeting.

 

We clicked right away in person, then the texting started to get very personal. Not sexty, but likes and dislikes, what are you looking for in a relationship, do you feel like you're ready for dating, tell me about your kids, just everything and anything. Every single night for the past 2-3 weeks we had a routine where we were both in bed and we would back and forth text for about an hour before we fell asleep.

 

We met two more times, talked on the phone a few more times before the 4th date, which ended up being the sex date.

 

Now, as a woman, I really feel like it's my job to look at a guy's actions and decide if he's interested in me, or if he's interested in sex only and then act accordingly. Looking back, I can't see anything that I missed. This guy was interested in me as a person.

 

He was talking future stuff we could do together, he was talking about good meeting places to meet on weeknights for dinner after work (we live an hour away), we set a bet to see who could run the most miles and he wanted to set that timeframe for a month. I said two weeks, he said 'I was thinking a month', so we set it for a month out.

 

This guy is very affectionate, very appropriate, seemed very much into me. He texted daily, we talked on the phone 2-3 times per week, asked to see me on weeknights when any sort of fooling around is off the table. One night for dinner and one night for drinks.

 

So last weekend comes around, I have the house to myself for the weekend (kids are with dad). He comes early evening Friday, we do drinks, dinner and a movie and come back here. I was so comfortable with him and I trusted him. At this point all signs were pointing to him wanting to continue to date and get to know each other.

 

At dinner he even mentioned something about a place we could meet next week.

 

We come back to my place, he spends the night. I think the sex was good but could definitely be worked on. We had sex 4 times between the evening and again in the morning. We took a shower, went out to breakfast and then he went home. He gave me a huge hug goodbye, squeezed me tight. When he got home he texted and said he was home and he thanked me and said he had a really good time.

 

Since that one text, he has not initiated a single text to me. He has answered a couple that I threw his way 'how is your day?' kinda stuff.

 

Saturday I texted him and asked how his day was. He answered briefly and I answered that text and he didn't text back. Sunday I sent him my running stats and he said 'good job, excellent!!' back to me, and that was it. I know some of you are going to say that I'm reading into the lack of contact from him, but sometimes you just know. I have never felt this strong of a vibe and been wrong. Never. So I do think it's over.

 

I'm very bummed. I really liked him and could see us continuing to date.

 

I don't know if the sex was bad for him, if he is not attracted to me anymore after seeing me naked (as if!! LOL), if he's just not into me anymore, if sex is all he wanted, or what. I will probably never really know.

 

It really doesn't matter why he's made this sudden shift and pulled so far away from me. It doesn't matter, it is what it is. I will move on and learn my lesson from it.

 

So this is my question.

 

Do I just let him do the fade out and go away without me saying something? Do you think he 'owes' (I hate that word) it to me to explain what he's thinking? Even though he probably won't be honest. Do you all think it's o.k to sleep with someone when the conversation has happened that neither of you are into casual sex and you're looking for something more, and then just disappear without saying why?

 

I have done the fade out myself, not proud of it but with online dating when you've only been on 1 or 2 dates, I have done it. But NEVER with someone I have slept with.

 

I will not be b*&%y, or mean, or accusatory, or whiny, or needy. But to say 'we've shared a lot of things with each other with our late night chats, let me know if you'd like to share with me why you have pulled away'. Or anything of the sort? Try to open the dialogue?

 

Live and learn I say. Ugh!!

 

Thanks for listening.

[Balzac]

It's your story and your call but NO WAY do I see it as sex too soon.

[sillychick]

Balzac thank you for saying that. At the time, I didn't feel like it was too soon either. But then when the guy starts backing away, in a girl's mind (oftentimes) that's where we go. Shouldn't have slept together, it was too soon, if we didn't, would things have changed like they have? It's logical to let your mind go there.

 

Hawaii thank you also. I'm going to give it some time and see what happens. I think sometimes sex is emotional for men too, and maybe he thinks we moved too quickly, maybe he thinks he's getting attached too quickly, maybe he's scared. Who knows.

 

The distance is a factor. He mentioned that in his first e-mail to me. But then after we met I asked him if the distance was still in the back of his mind and he said 'much further back. It's an easy hour ride'. But then he's the one who has done that 'easy hour ride' the last two times. Maybe it does seem like too much to him.

 

Thanks again!!

[Leigh 87]

I don't like him.

 

It is plain rude to get close to someone, clearly know their into you (enough to want to continue with your late night "chats") and then dissapear after having sex.

Sorry, but it is bad manners to have sex with a girl, only to cease contact with her. Even if you were into him, he has shown his true colours.

 

He may like you a lot, but obviously not enough for a relationship or to pursue things further.

Just because he had a good time getting to know you, it does not mean it was enough for you to continue texting him; he had his fun, likes you, but not enough for you to bother with.

Guys who get to know a girl and clearly show interest in talking regularly to them, have sex with them and then stop talking to them, either:

 

- only ever wanted casual sex anyway. And the sex was not great enough to keep going so they decided to move on and get new sex partners who were a better match

- really did see something about you they liked and considered the possibility of a relationship, but then had sex and realized something wss missing, and they did not have the balls to tell you.

 

....which ever way you look at it, he got to know you, slept with you, then ignored you. It is plain RUDE.

[FitChick]

Don't initiate contact. He may think he found someone better but if you had a strong connection, he may come back. In the meantime, have you checked his profile to see if it's active? Keep yours up and start dating. It might bug him enough to wonder how you feel about him since it seemed like a sure thing but here you are back to dating again.

[sillychick]

I have looked, his profile is still up and he logged on in the past day.

 

I 'hid' my profile (Match, you can do this but still browse and e-mail) right around the time that we started talking. I decided to take a break from it all but he had e-mailed and I didn't want the convo to die off so I hid my profile but continued to get to know him. So putting it back up right now, just to get his attention, it feels like game play. It's tempting but I just hate playing like that.

 

I'm going to give it the week. We had this conversation about how often we like to see people when you're in the beginning stages of dating and we both agreed (talking in general terms, not about 'us') once a week at a minimum. You can't build a relationship and see each other less than that, we both said.

 

He texted me today, said he was sorry that he crashed so early last night, wanted to know how my day was. He kept the convo going then disappeared again. I will let him do the initiating, I hate 'chasing' so I won't do it. He texts, I text back. He calls, I'm happy. He asks me out, I say 'yes!!'. But I'm not going to fill the space he's created with needless banter trying to get/keep his attention.

 

I have started to think about the sex itself. He seemed very unhappy with his 'performance'. He came quickly 2 out of the three times. He was amazing at oral and that's the only way I cum so to me, all was fine. But he mentioned it, a lot. He didn't want to 'cheat me' I think he said, the second time when he came quickly.

 

I'm wondering if he's internalizing that. I forget sometimes how sex can be emotional for men also. How they put a lot of pressure on themselves to 'perform'. We both came. We were both happy, we slept VERY close, we had sex again in the morning. I was happy and I thought I made sure he knew that.

 

I'm giving it the week. If he doesn't ask me out again before next weekend is over, I'm calling the time of death and will put my profile back up. That to me seems very reasonable and won't feel like game play to me. It will feel more like moving on.

 

Thanks again for all of your advice!!

[Balzac]

Best of outcomes on this. Perhaps his performance anxiety has him spooked. That is an issue if he cannot hear that you were sexually satisfied, at least for the preliminary rounds.

[InJest]

I'm telling you because I've been that guy before, save a week of your life, and put your profile back up now.

[xpaperxcutx]

It is sex too soon if you were looking for a genuine relationship. The thing id you based your relationship on an emotional connection and him, on a physical. which os why hbailed after sex.