Such a better place again!

[AnotherRound]

Just an update, for anyone interested. Oh, the therapeutic value of writing! It's a coping skill I've used all of my life, but I sometimes forget how well it works for me.

 

I sent exMM a very long email the other day. In the email, I said everything that I needed and wanted to say. Yes, I have said these things to him in person, I don't have a problem doing so. But when you are talking to someone, and the emotions are running high, it's sometimes difficult for the other person to hear you, or for you to get your point across. So, the email has just lifted a weight off of my shoulders in that I know that I said everything the way I wanted to say it - and got it all out in a very organized, calm, and rational way.

 

ExMm isn't much of an emailer - he likes to talk instead. So, I never expected a response from him that way. In fact, I don't need a response. I basically told him that I'm completely removing myself from the situation bc I need to get my own bearings, irregardless of his. I think my biggest issue was the fact that we had never had any taboo subjects before - and then we tried to make the divorce a taboo subject (didn't work at all!), and then the exgf contacting me felt like he was blaming me for the contact. I don't think he was, that's just what it felt like to me bc he didn't want to discuss it at all.

 

I get it, he is exhausted with her and her tantrums. He has a lot on his mind right now and just doesn't have room to deal with her "craziness". That all makes sense to me - but if we are going to have things that we can't talk about, that's not going to work for me, it never has and probably never will. So, for me, I decided that until he's in a place where he can be a "team" with me again, if ever, that I need to be on my own team.

 

I admit, I feel a little guilty, bc I know that any relationship balances between people unevenly at different times - like a pendulum. And, I kind of feel like I'm stepping out at his time of need. BUT, I also know that for me, having subjects we can't discuss is a dealbreaker, bc that points to limited emotional contact, and that is not okay with me, not in a SO relationship.

 

I didn't tell him that we need to be NC or anything like that. It was a nice email, just very honest, as I've always been with him, about where I am, what I've felt since he contacted me, etc. I would answer the phone if he calls me, and I know that he has always been very respectful and honest with me, so if he thinks something will hurt me or cause me undue stress, he won't push or pull me into it. I basically just laid out what I was okay with and when/if he's to that point ever again (in that we can talk about everything and be a team again), I would consider it. But since it seems now that he has too much on his plate, and is unable to be the way that we were about ALL subjects, that I'm going to let him tell me when he's ready for that again, if ever. If he isn't ever, that's fine. If he is, that's fine. I honestly don't really "care" how it turns out, as I'm not hoping for any certain outcome.

 

I will just take it as it comes, and decide as I go and as situations present themselves, if they do. Thanks again to everyone for the support the last couple of weeks while I kind of sorted this all out. I have enjoyed the reading I've done and the perspectives I've seen here. Not really needing advice or answers again, just sharing and venting. Writing - honestly the best coping skill I have in my arsenal some days!

[AnotherRound]

I do better when I write things out too.

Glad you are in a better place right now.

 

Me too! And thank you.

 

I just feel so much more at peace right now. I basically just lobbed the ball back into his court bc I don't want it... lol. And besides, I can't make any kind of decision until he decides what he is doing. I know that the divorce is supposed to be signed this week and then turned into the court for finalizing. I know that he is going to have to sort out his feelings about all of that. And as much as I want to "help" him and support him - if we can't talk about everything, then I just can't. I don't like a relationship with taboo subjects, I don't think it's healthy, or productive, or closeness inducing. I think it creates spaces in the emotional connection, and I'm not comfortable with that - at all.

 

Heaven knows I've got enough going on in my life to keep me busy, lol. So, if a relationship isn't adding to my life positively, then there's really no need to take it on. It would be different if he and I had been together when the divorce started - but with the year and a half apart, and my emotional distance, it's just not something I'm willing to do right now - at least not with the taboo subjects.

 

And so far, nothing more from the exgf, so that's good. I can handle it, whatever she decides to throw my way - but honestly, I don't see any reason to deal with her if he isn't going to be open with me about it now. If he and I end up together later on, and she shows up, that's an entirely different story. But for me, it's just silly for her and I to have anything to do with one another as the only connection we have is him - and he and I aren't even together! lol I know she's jealous of me, and I'm sure it's driving her crazier that he's always been in contact with me but has gone cold NC with her - but that's their issue, not mine. And I'm not gonna be put in the middle of that if I'm not with him.

 

I've got a long day today, and feeling a little under the weather. I fell asleep last night with the windows open and it got pretty cold - so now I have a sore throat and a fever... great! lol I'm just going to work on my stuff and go back to the distance between he and I that we had before. No reason at this point to do anything but as far as I can tell.

 

Suppose I ought to go buy some cough drops... sigh...

[Summer Breeze]

I'm sorry you're not feeling well physically AR but it sounds like you're doing ok with what's going on with MM (xMM).

 

I'm finding it kind of weird too. His D isn't a taboo subject but I think till we meet face to face again it's difficult to get to the level of connection we were at when the A ended. I'm pretty comfortable with it all but still a little guarded. I'm like a kid at Christmas one day and tremendously calm and realistic the next. That's me though.

 

You'll be fine. Keep writing. I write a lot too and find it helps.

 

Dimetapp to help you sleep a little. Never hurts!

[AnotherRound]

I'm sorry you're not feeling well physically AR but it sounds like you're doing ok with what's going on with MM (xMM).

 

I'm finding it kind of weird too. His D isn't a taboo subject but I think till we meet face to face again it's difficult to get to the level of connection we were at when the A ended. I'm pretty comfortable with it all but still a little guarded. I'm like a kid at Christmas one day and tremendously calm and realistic the next. That's me though.

 

You'll be fine. Keep writing. I write a lot too and find it helps.

 

Dimetapp to help you sleep a little. Never hurts!

 

Yeah, flu sucks, lol. But it is that time of year I guess. Every year one of my kids gives it to me, and with an AI, I have a heck of a time recovering from it. I'm actually feeling a bit better today, and that's good bc with the AI it can take up to 2 weeks for me to recover sometimes! So, def could be worse!

 

I'm doing ok with exMM. I know what you mean about not connecting. I am the one who was thinking that making the divorce a taboo would be a good thing - turns out, it wasn't. Not for he and I anyway. We have just always been so open with one another that trying to make anything off limits feels weird and wrong and awkward.

 

I also understand the going back and forth for you on being guarded and then getting excited. I haven't yet felt the excitement of possibly being with him - but I don't feel guarded either. I just feel - neutral. I know that's odd, but I think it's bc I've had a year and a half without him, so if we don't end up together, nothing changes on my end. I have thought about how I will feel if he and I don't try and he moves on and falls in love with someone else. Of course, that's only natural if we don't end up together - but it would be a lot different than if he stayed with his stbxw who he hasn't felt like that about in years. Maybe I would be hurt to know that he was in love with someone else, but right now, I don't think so. I just kind of accept that he will be with someone else if he and I aren't together - I don't expect him to become celibate and pine for me for the rest of his life, lol.

 

I actually slept pretty well last night, no drugs needed, lol. And, have the day off again today - but lots of presentations tomorrow. I'm actually presenting on family systems, lol, ironic! So, resting up today in preparation for that - and brushing up on the psychology of it all.

 

I'm glad that you are in a good place. Have you guys solidified any plans to meet up? I hope that it continues to go well for him and that you and him can find happiness together.

[s1421]

So glad you're in a better place too. It must feel so liberating! How long has it been again since you last slept with your exMM?

[AnotherRound]

So glad you're in a better place too. It must feel so liberating! How long has it been again since you last slept with your exMM?

 

The last time we were together was last year in April, didn't sleep together, just talked. Then, he came over after his divorce was filed in March or April of this year, and we didn't sleep together then either. So, not sure the last time we actually had sex.

 

It is liberating. I was never in a bad place, just him calling me to ask me to date him threw me for a bit of a loop, as I wasn't prepared for it. So, just threw off my bearings for a minute. We've never stopped talking, so, we still have an emotional attachment, and that's been more than enough for me for the past year and a half as I haven't been "looking" for anything else with him.

[2sunny]

I like this decision for you - for now. It's healthy!

 

HE has so much to sift through - and it is a distraction when one person has so much to face (fears) and move PAST those fears I think he's afraid to be alone... So what he does from here moving FORWARD will be very revealing.

 

It takes time - as you know.

 

But I'm really glad you took yourself out of that equation for NOW...

 

Has he responded to your email at all?

[whichwayisup]

I admit, I feel a little guilty, bc I know that any relationship balances between people unevenly at different times - like a pendulum. And, I kind of feel like I'm stepping out at his time of need. BUT, I also know that for me, having subjects we can't discuss is a dealbreaker, bc that points to limited emotional contact, and that is not okay with me, not in a SO relationship.

Don't feel guilty. Just right now the timing is wrong and each of you need to focus on your own lives. He has to deal with his divorce and all that comes with it without outside influences. It takes time to grieve the loss of a marriage, even if he was the one ending it. It isn't fair or right of him to use your shoulders for support during this time. This is something he has to do on his own.

[AnotherRound]

I like this decision for you - for now. It's healthy!

 

HE has so much to sift through - and it is a distraction when one person has so much to face (fears) and move PAST those fears I think he's afraid to be alone... So what he does from here moving FORWARD will be very revealing.

 

It takes time - as you know.

 

But I'm really glad you took yourself out of that equation for NOW...

 

Has he responded to your email at all?

 

Yeah, I think it's the best move for now. I hate asking him to give me anything right now when he is in such a jacked up place, but it's just not fair to me to drag me back in (I went willingly, no doubt) and expect me to give and give for nothing in return. Not that I give to get, but it has to be reciprocal, and he just doesn't have a lot to give right now, understandably.

 

No, he hasn't responded. He doesn't email at all hardly, so I knew he wouldn't respond that way. He will call, when he gets time and has really thought over all that I wrote. He processes like me - deeply, and I put a LOT of information in that email, lol. I'm not worried about it, as he has never stepped out of my life for any length of time - and he is always the one that comes back, not me. He can take his time, I've got a lot going on too.

 

I think he is afraid to be alone, and he admitted as much. He has never been alone, his entire life, he has been in LT relationships. This marriage, and then a LT live in situation before that. So, he's never really been the bachelor, and is now trying to adjust to that. I'm sure it's a big change and he's not exactly "liking" it as he is missing the perks of being married (meals, laundry done, house cleaned, etc.). Thankfully, he is capable of doing all these things - he just hasn't had to do them for 20+ years by himself.

 

Like I said, I didn't demand NC or anything. I will still talk to him if he wants to talk - but I will limit it and if he can't give a little this way too (and I think he has tried to, he's just so emotionally spent right now) then it won't be healthy for me. He knows I love him, and he knows that I will be fair and consider anything he offers me. He also knows that I won't "settle" and that I deserve what I want at this stage - and that the affair set up was no longer "enough" for me. So, I think he's hesitant too bc he is trying to make sure that he is making decisions about ME and not out of fear or being disoriented. Which I can respect and appreciate.

 

And, a new SG asked his father (an older friend of mine, 70s) if I am single and his father told him yes, and he asked for my number. I adore his father, so he already has a good check in my book! And, he's pretty cute, successful, and if I'm lucky - open minded, funny, and intelligent! So, he told his father that he was going to call me tomorrow to ask me out - and wanted his dad to make sure that was "okay" with me - and of course, it is! So, like I said, I'm going to continue on with my life - career is crazy busy, and dating, and seeing friends and such - just as I have always with or without exMM.

 

I'm just taking it as it comes - and not worried about any of it. It will all work out exactly the way it's supposed to, I'm sure of it.

[Summer Breeze]

Yeah, flu sucks, lol. But it is that time of year I guess. Every year one of my kids gives it to me, and with an AI, I have a heck of a time recovering from it. I'm actually feeling a bit better today, and that's good bc with the AI it can take up to 2 weeks for me to recover sometimes! So, def could be worse!

 

I'm doing ok with exMM. I know what you mean about not connecting. I am the one who was thinking that making the divorce a taboo would be a good thing - turns out, it wasn't. Not for he and I anyway. We have just always been so open with one another that trying to make anything off limits feels weird and wrong and awkward.

 

I also understand the going back and forth for you on being guarded and then getting excited. I haven't yet felt the excitement of possibly being with him - but I don't feel guarded either. I just feel - neutral. I know that's odd, but I think it's bc I've had a year and a half without him, so if we don't end up together, nothing changes on my end. I have thought about how I will feel if he and I don't try and he moves on and falls in love with someone else. Of course, that's only natural if we don't end up together - but it would be a lot different than if he stayed with his stbxw who he hasn't felt like that about in years. Maybe I would be hurt to know that he was in love with someone else, but right now, I don't think so. I just kind of accept that he will be with someone else if he and I aren't together - I don't expect him to become celibate and pine for me for the rest of his life, lol.

I had years without him too. I also sat on the information that he had left and was divorcing. I waited months before I actually contacted him. He always said he would never leave and he did. That's not how it was supposed to end. In my eyes it had ended and to have it all out in front of me with the things I hadn't even hoped for. Wow.

 

I want to see where it goes. I don't want him to fall in love with someone else, or me to for that matter. I don't want us to be the victims of really bad timing. Plus I'm far enough past 50 there's only so much time left!

 

I do understand what you're saying though.

 

I actually slept pretty well last night, no drugs needed, lol. And, have the day off again today - but lots of presentations tomorrow. I'm actually presenting on family systems, lol, ironic! So, resting up today in preparation for that - and brushing up on the psychology of it all.

 

I'm glad that you are in a good place. Have you guys solidified any plans to meet up? I hope that it continues to go well for him and that you and him can find happiness together.

 

His D is final today. Every bit of me wants to run out and jump into his arms. Ok drive the couple of hours to get to him first. But I'm being ever so restrained! We agreed 3 weeks after the D was final so 3 weeks from today we'll have a coffee. I have no idea where 3 weeks came from. Sometimes I'm just an idiot! He's supposed to call later but I told him if he needed some space to take it and not worry about me.

 

BTW how are you feeling now?

[AnotherRound]

His D is final today. Every bit of me wants to run out and jump into his arms. Ok drive the couple of hours to get to him first. But I'm being ever so restrained! We agreed 3 weeks after the D was final so 3 weeks from today we'll have a coffee. I have no idea where 3 weeks came from. Sometimes I'm just an idiot! He's supposed to call later but I told him if he needed some space to take it and not worry about me.

 

BTW how are you feeling now?

 

I totally understand that... 3 weeks is a bit arbitrary, but if it works, it works! I hope he at least calls you, as I'm sure you both are wanting to talk to each other. Keep me updated how you do on waiting until the 3 weeks is up.

 

I'm feeling okay... flu isn't completely gone, and working too much as usual. As for exMM, I feel okay. I haven't heard from him, and that's okay. I really wanted to share my news yesterday, but I figure I will tell him the next time he calls - it can wait until then. Come to think of it, I felt the same yesterday with my news as you do today...

 

Everyone should experience that kind of connection to at least one person in their lifetime, imo. I almost want to say we both should throw caution to the wind and call them! lol But, it's probably better to wait - Who really knows...

 

Thanks for checking in with me.

[2sunny]

3 weeks doesn't seem like nearly enough time to process the ending of a M... Unless he may be in lockdown for round the clock therapy that helps him change everything about his life.

[2sunny]

He's been separated for a while if I remember correctly, living separately while waiting for the divorce to be final.

 

They made the choice to wait several weeks AFTER the legalization, and honestly, that's just more paperwork... so he's either ready, or he's not and it's all formality.

 

Seriously, most people that move out and file for divorce start processing the "end of the marriage" long before the date the paperwork is final. Many do it long before they consider moving out.

 

And SOME never process it - they just take their baggage to their next R...MANY do it that way over and over again.

 

My thought is "until that person shows SOLID EVIDENCE" that they are a changed person inside and out by changing everything in their life and attitude - theirs no reason to participate with them.

 

If no change - they are simply offering you their 'broken self'. That's not enough to consider participating on any level.

[AnotherRound]

And SOME never process it - they just take their baggage to their next R...MANY do it that way over and over again.

 

My thought is "until that person shows SOLID EVIDENCE" that they are a changed person inside and out by changing everything in their life and attitude - theirs no reason to participate with them.

 

If no change - they are simply offering you their 'broken self'. That's not enough to consider participating on any level.

 

For you it's not "enough", as is your right. I find it interesting that you seem to expect others to live their lives the way that you would. And if they don't, that you seem to be a tad bit judgmental - maybe I'm misinterpreting what you are saying here???? I hope so, bc otherwise it would appear that you are taking your "rules" and applying them to others, which insinuates a bit of self-righteousness too, and that's always a little bit of a red flag for me in other people. The OP was simply sharing some thoughts she had about her exMM. Was this relevant to that? Bc I can't see it since the OP is apparently NC right now. ????

[Summer Breeze]

And SOME never process it - they just take their baggage to their next R...MANY do it that way over and over again.

 

My thought is "until that person shows SOLID EVIDENCE" that they are a changed person inside and out by changing everything in their life and attitude - theirs no reason to participate with them.

 

If no change - they are simply offering you their 'broken self'. That's not enough to consider participating on any level.

 

And you can never get solid evidence if you don't take the chance and find out what they're all about now. As LFH said he's been separated for 11 months and has been in counselling for about 10 of those months. He let me know quite a while ago the D was in progress and he's never pushed me. He's let me pace things and had no problem waiting till I was ready to talk to him again. I have his home number and his cell number. I'm in touch with his mother and 2 sisters. He isn't hiding anything from me. My comment to your post is that if I don't work towards getting close to him again I will never know if he's better. There is no more solid evidence to be gathered without making myself vulnerable and seeing what I find. I asked for a certificate to prove he was all better but alas, there was none!

 

I do appreciate your comments because I do need the reminders to tread gently when emotions flare. The good thing is I have no pressure from him. Three weeks was a time I pulled out of the hat in one of our first calls over a month ago. It has nothing to do with all of his healing but it is a little time to spend with his kids and to take a deep breath. For me too really.

 

Thanks for your comments and to LFH and AR for theirs. Man this is a place that keeps your head on straight!