How2fixit Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 I've been with an older man for 7 years, I love him very much and we get along great. He prosed last weekend saying he wanted to start a family with me. He said he makes good money and wants to provide for me and be a father. He over heard me talking to my friend about building a house and said he'd do that for me if it's what I want. I told him that what he had to offer is what I want but not with him and I was sorry to say no. He hasn't stopped crying since, every time we have dinner he breaks down... he told me I'm perfect for him, and he'll try to be perfect for me too. He said he really wants to be the father of my children... How do I fix this? I want him to be ok.
TiredFamilyGuy Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 You can't make it OK or soften the blow much. Now you have decided, follow through by leaving him entirely alone. You have left him right, you are not carrying on seeing him until Mr Right comes along? That would be low. You already told him, you want what he wants but just not with him That is direct. You have judged him as not good enough for you. No point now in dressing it up in fancy language of the "it's not you it's me" variety. It might help to explain why in a letter so the poor guy gets some closure. OP - you have made a difficult choice. Now follow through and don't give him false hope by keeping contact. 4
january2011 Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Seconding everything that TiredFamilyGuy wrote. You cannot keep seeing this guy. Better that you break it off now and go NC so that he can recover and, in time, find someone who does want what he has to offer. And so that you can find someone else who not only offers what you want, but is also who you want. There really is no point in dragging this on and giving him false hope by keeping in touch either as a pseudo-friend or back-up boyfriend. 1
AnotherRound Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Agree with the other posters. I have had to turn down a few proposals in my day, and it's never easy to do. It sounds like you were nice about it, and honest - and he can't expect anything more than that from you if you just aren't interested. I do have some contact with guys that I have turned down in the past - whether it be a proposal (my sister use to always tease me about all of these I got! lol) or just a relationship offer. I keep it minimal, as it seems to be way more awkward for them than it is me, so I don't want to exacerbate their pain any further. I just chat lightly, and leave it at that. I don't think you can continue any type of friendship with him right now if he is sobbing every time he sees you. He needs some time to get his bearings, and it seems he needs some time away from you to do so. Sorry you had to turn him down, but it happens. We can't always love everyone that loves us.
somedude81 Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 I've been with an older man for 7 years, I love him very much and we get along great. I told him that what he had to offer is what I want but not with him and I was sorry to say no. What the fu*k were you doing with him for seven years if you had no interest in marrying him?!!?!?!!? 13
AnotherRound Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 What the fu*k were you doing with him for seven years if you had no interest in marrying him?!!?!?!!? I can't answer for OP, but I've been with someone for that long and not wanted to get married. Not everyone sees marriage as the goal - I know I don't. I will probably never get married again. I don't like the way it expects people to stay "no matter what" - and if they decide not to stay, it becomes a legal issue. I don't think that has anything to do with love, nor should it. I would be more than willing to be in a LT and monogamous relationship with the right person - but the only reason I would get married would be for practical reasons, and only if necessary. Some don't want the piece of paper, or need it - and I personally think it does more to damage a relationship than to help it. Although, I can see why you would ask the OP that in that it seems like she really does want to be married. I'm interested to hear her response on this one...
MonsterMash Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 What the fu*k were you doing with him for seven years if you had no interest in marrying him?!!?!?!!? Gotta agree here. Thats 7 years of his life he won't get back. If I was him, I wouldn't be sad. I'd be pissed off!!! 5
Author How2fixit Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 I'm very attracted to him, and I do love him with all my heart. Originally it was the other way around, I wanted him to marry me and be the father of my kids. He didn't want that and basically told me to get over it. I did and we decided that it was best to not go in that direction. He started getting like this a year ago after we had gone to see my sister. Her kids loved him and were all over me. Then he started talking about wanting babies and getting more affectionate... We live together so I see him everyday. I guess I do want him to be my placeholder until I find someone else, as unfair as that is...
soccerrprp Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 I'm very attracted to him, and I do love him with all my heart. Originally it was the other way around, I wanted him to marry me and be the father of my kids. He didn't want that and basically told me to get over it. I did and we decided that it was best to not go in that direction. He started getting like this a year ago after we had gone to see my sister. Her kids loved him and were all over me. Then he started talking about wanting babies and getting more affectionate... We live together so I see him everyday. I guess I do want him to be my placeholder until I find someone else, as unfair as that is... This is why dating is so difficult....people just using others w/o real regard to consequences....so disappointed. 2
shayla Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Do you really not want him? Or are you trying to make him suffer because when you wanted to get married he was dead set against it? 3
january2011 Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 I guess I do want him to be my placeholder until I find someone else, as unfair as that is... Oh dear. I hope that you don't go down this path. Because it may well turn out that he finds someone first and dumps you before you've managed to get all your ducks in a row. Please take it from someone who has been there, make the break now before it gets even more ugly. It's obvious he missed his window with you and perhaps a small part of you is smug that you've rejected him in return. That's no way to conduct an LTR with someone you purportedly love. You'll both grow more resentful and take it out on each other. Think long and hard. If you want to get married and have children of your own, you've got less than time than he has to make that happen due to your gender. Particularly, if you don't have the financial means to go down the egg-freezing route. 2
todreaminblue Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 I've been with an older man for 7 years, I love him very much and we get along great. He prosed last weekend saying he wanted to start a family with me. He said he makes good money and wants to provide for me and be a father. He over heard me talking to my friend about building a house and said he'd do that for me if it's what I want. I told him that what he had to offer is what I want but not with him and I was sorry to say no. He hasn't stopped crying since, every time we have dinner he breaks down... he told me I'm perfect for him, and he'll try to be perfect for me too. He said he really wants to be the father of my children... How do I fix this? I want him to be ok. if i could go back in time .....which i cant i might invent it one day though so i can slap myself silly........before a hypnotising chickens opening conversation starter i had.......its only a few days ago....tangent ....back on track now you cant unsay what you said....he is hurt seven years is a long time for a guy to wait as it would be if it were you on the waiting end since i have been in a position like this I could never do it to someone, i know what it feels like........honestly i dont think anyone would wait that long for me....you cant fix this one he needs to fix himself....took me a long time to fix myself.....god helped me i had faith and hope.....and distance and no contact physically.......or in sight.......and it worked.......the only way i can truly get over anything is to disappear, to heal myself......i have my family and friends that are long term when i need to heal i need distance form everyone.......but then i have been through some rough times and i get through the only way i know how by reflection prayers and silent crying sessions......if i had a partner i would open up to him.....you need to give this guy space or he needs to cut off from you...you cant fix him.....he is the only one who can ....and it may take a while......I dont understand if you love him very much and stayed with him seven years why you wouldnt marry him.......i can understand his grief it must be a huge blow........what are you looking for? mad passion a better looking guy greener grass????? i would like a reply.....i am curious to what it is you are looking for in a relationship that a grief stricken man who loves you madly and gives you seven years of his life........didnt provide you with.......I wish you luck......deb
Author How2fixit Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 I'm still sad about him not wanting what I did. I did move on, but I do still think about it sometimes and have a hard time understanding his change of heart. I realize it might be because he's getting older but I'm conflicted... Honestly, I don't know if he'd be a good dad, he doesn't have a lot of patience.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 How much older is he? Funny that that is the first thing I fixate on..... Then I agree with somedud81 and think how wonderful that he is probably supporting you (how paternalistic & sexist I am) and that basically you have a sugar daddy (again back to the older man comment). I wonder how shallow you are and wonder if all you are waiting for as you admit is someone your age to leave him for...... Ughhhhhh:mad:
todreaminblue Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Actually, I'm not... I do love him very much. every person has flaws if that is the flaw you perceive is there you wont know until that baby is born how he will be he could just surprise you...in my opinion.....marry the guy....take the chance you stayed with him for seven years.think about those reasons and make it for the rest of your life........write down all the good things and then on side b put that maybe impatient thing....i will let you know now ....as a mum of five...i get extremely impatient....sometimes....and other times i am a model of patience...parenting is learn as you go and it doesnt get any easier with subsequent children it becomes extreme juggling which might be funny if it wasnt you who had to do it.....in my opinion consider this guy as serious contender...unless you dont love him......let him go so he can have some dignity.......a man deserves that dont you think...your guy sounds like he does.....please let me know what colour you wear as a bridal dress....smilin...ok eternal romantic here....i confess....now you go confess......good luck best wishes.....deb
LittleTiger Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Have to admit I'm curious about this one. What exactly is your 'plan'? Are you going to carry on living with him until you meet someone younger that you can have a affair with while you decide if he's the one? I mean, unless you break off this relationship now, or continue it forever as it is, that's really your only option isn't it? I'm surprised your guy hasn't broken it off himself actually. If you don't want him, he should go find somebody else who does....and if you love him as much you say, you should encourage him to do so....and then leave him alone.
Minka333 Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 (edited) Another sad fact of life that some people do change whether we like it or not. We don't have any idea how he is anyway and i guess you have deeper reasons for a change of heart. I think it might be for the best...instead of her marrying him and being miserable together. If she feels something ain't right then she's probably right. Edited October 2, 2012 by Minka333 1
Author How2fixit Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 I told him I should probably move out, and let him get on with his life. he started begging me not to. He said I consume his thoughts, and his whole life. He's crazy about me, when we're not together he can't wait until we are... He said had he known he was going to develop the feelings he has now he would've married and had kids with me when I asked, and the reason he doesn't want them (something we've never really talked about) is because when he was in junior high he walked in on his mom and another man. It ruined their family and he never wanted that to happen, but now it is because of this... I'm his family. He asked me to keep thinking it over, I went to bed in the guest room, he came in and held me and woke me up... He just barely fell asleep because I can't hear him anymore.
AlexDP Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 If you're with a guy for seven years, surely you know what it would be to be married to him? And apparently you'd like it too, otherwise you wouldn't be with him..
Toodamnpragmatic Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 (edited) When did you start dating (i.e. how old were you)? Almost always there is a huge socio/economic disparity to start and then there is the fact you probably were with your friends much less and the two of you had different goals, ideals, interests and knowledge base. So yes early on he was enjoying you for what you were a young hot girl to tap..... As you grow together, live together and build a life he starts thinking "heck I'm not finding someone 17 years younger at my age" and mortality hits him well before you and he is already playing house, so yes he wants marriage and kids especially as he never had them. BTW leave him and set him free. Edited October 2, 2012 by Toodamnpragmatic
Author How2fixit Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 I was 21 when we got together. He had to get up extra early today to meet a contractor he's been working with (he's an architect) and he looked so bad. He'd been crying all night, so he didn't sleep well... I got up and made him some breakfast to try and make his day smoother. we didn't speak until he was almost out the door. He said if it takes him the rest of his life he'll be the father of children... I don't know what to do... Should I reconsider? I'm so lost.
january2011 Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Take a break from each other, go stay with some relatives or friends. As I suggested earlier, think long and hard. If you want the marriage and kids package but not with him, I don't see how it's tenable to continue in this relationship. The recent revelations are not things that you just "get over" and somehow still remain in the LTR as if nothing has changed. Your relationship *has* changed and while more honest than before, it is not "better." Now you both need to deal with the consequences. Most likely, another big talk is on the way after you've stopped this pussyfooting around each other. Unless, of course, you're both afflicted by the tendency to bury your head in the sand and pretend that it'll all blow over. I'm sorry to say, that's very unlikely.
Author How2fixit Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 Our relationship hasn't ever been inappropriate, although he did pursue me. It's never really been weird for us. Our age difference is another thing that concerns me with kids...
Toodamnpragmatic Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 As a father of a daughter almost 20, I can promise you if she brought home a 37 year old I'd say inappropriate and be mortified. But if you do ask 45 is not too old to be a dad......
Recommended Posts