Move on or try to work it out?

[moveONorStay]

I broke up with a girl 3 weeks ago after dealing with some erratic behavior. Since the break, she has been giving mixed signals. Now I cannot get her out of my mind and feeling regret about breaking up even though I know my reasons were justified at the time.

 

I am 27 and the girl is 31. We dated for 5 months. When I met her, I was just out of a 3 year relationship, we broke up because I was moving to a different country. I wasn't looking for anyone else when I met the new girl, but it just happened and we both fell in love very quickly, had great times together and an intimacy/connection unlike either of us had ever experienced.

 

My ex from the 3 year relationship was still contacting me (just to ask how I was settling in with my new job and life abroad, nothing more) during the first couple of months of my new relationship which started to put some strain on the new relationship, the new girl told me that I had to cut contact with the ex if I wanted to be with her...so I did, I called the ex and told her we couldn't talk any more. She was devastated and I felt horrible having to tell her that.

 

After that, the new girl said that she wanted to know my password to my phone so that she could check my emails and texts...I told her that I didn't think it was necessary and that if my ex contacted me I would tell her. I also assured her that the ex lives four thousand miles away and that there was no threat...When I told her that I didn't want to give her the phone password, she got out of the car and started walking down the street crying. This was probably our first big disagreement. I knew that what she wanted was a complete betrayal of privacy, particularly 2 months into a relationship, however, in wanting to make it work, I gave her the access to my phone...which she thought was completely justified. It was the beginning of what started to be a very controlling and manipulative next 4 months.

 

Fast forward another 4 months and I felt like I'd had enough of the mood swings. One day everything would be great and we'd be having an excellent time together, the next she would start shouting at me for the most trivial and stupid things then get upset and annoyed. I felt that I was constantly on edge, waiting for another melt down or another silly argument to be picked...all the while, the good days were great and throughout the whole relationship we were had an incredible, passionate love life. I'd never felt so attracted to someone.

 

So after a lot of thought, I decided to break up with her. I went down to her place and we sat down in the park near her house. I told her that I couldn't be with her, when I started to give her the reasons, she got up and tried to walk away, similar to any other discussion or confrontation we'd ever had...she had previously gotten out of the car and started walking twice before during discussions she didn't agree with...then I would have to try to get her to come back in the car or go after her...She would only ever get back in the car if I gave into her demands.

 

Anyway, since the end of the relationship 3 weeks ago...I tried to call her a couple of times and text during the first week...she completely ignored me, then a week later, she called me saying that she didn't want the relationship to end but now that I made that decision, I had to live with it, no going back. Then another week later, we were texting a little, she was being stubborn in the texts, I was saying I'd prefer to talk on the phone or in person but she just kept writing "why?" and would ignore the call when I tried to talk to her.

 

A few days later, she called me and basically cursed me out, called me names and then, rather bizarrely started to describe me in all the ways that I thought she was behaving during the relationship!! She then said 2 things I found strange. She told me that she didn't want the relationship to end and that we had so much potential to work out, then she told me that she never wanted to see or hear from me ever again. I found these to be 2 conflicting feelings. This was around a week ago, I haven't made contact or heard from her since.

 

I would like your opinions...Have I been a victim of a relationship of emotional blackmail? Is this girl just hurting badly that I broke up with her and is doing all she can to be in control? Could she have consciously decided to focus on any negative she could think of to help her get over me quickly?

 

Despite all of this, and obviously I have mainly focused on the strange behavior in this post...I still think that our relationship could work and that we could have a great life together. I would like to sit down and talk with her but she has told me it'll never happen. Is she being stubborn right now and needs a bit of time? Or is she completely done?

 

To give a bit of background, she has had a history of conflict/fall outs with friends and family and colleagues...could this be a sign of a borderline, narcissistic personality? Her last 3 relationships before me have all gone on to marry the next girl they've dated.

 

I have a strong feeling that I want to try to work things out...any tips on what you would do in this situation? Or do you think I have dodged a bullet and should never look back?

 

Thing is, when I think about her, and it's happening a lot, I can only think about the positive parts of the relationship...Help!

Edited October 1, 2012 by moveONorStay

[Balzac]

Dodged a bullet. You're into new job, new culture and plenty of opportunities. Trust what you knew in your gut, trust the red flags and move on.

[River Rain]

I don't think any of us is qualified to make a psychological evaluation of her mental state. She just sounds very insecure, inexperienced and confused. If you want her back, you have to accept her for who she is. If you don't want to deal with her mood swings, then move on.

 

Personally? I would move on. Only because there is a solid reason why you broke up in the first place. If you go back, likely nothing will change and you will break up again, causing further damage to the both of you. I'm just speaking from what just happened to me. He was a mute for the last 3 weeks and I became his doormat. I should have moved on 3 weeks ago, but the lingering feelings of romance and affection, memories of the good times were what kept me in my state of denial.

 

If you made a decision, stick to it. That's what I'm telling myself for the next time!

[moveONorStay]

Dodged a bullet. You're into new job, new culture and plenty of opportunities. Trust what you knew in your gut, trust the red flags and move on.

 

Thanks for your thoughts on this...you are right, I am in a great place with a lot of opportunity, maybe taking some time to take it all in will be wise.

 

I suppose I am just really disappointed that I was very open and giving to this person and now that it's over she has decided to try to make me feel bad, or rejected when I was trying to be nice to her.

 

I still have some of her belongings at my place, clothes etc...should I just toss it all, take it to her, or hang on to it for a while in case she changes her mind?

 

I would like to make things right with her, that's the kind of person I am...but I think she is so bitter about it all that she'll never get in touch with me again...makes me feel pretty sad.