The story of my heart breaking. My GF, now in college, may leave me.

[Kov]

Alright here goes. This will be a painfully long story of my heart breaking last night. I'm sorry. If anything I just need to let this all out. To think about this, and try to sort it out in my head and to welcome any advice.

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 3 years. She's 21 now and I am 25. We've been inseparable since we met. She started living with me almost right away, staying over weekends to being at my house near everyday. We both live with our single parents. I live with my mom, her with her dad.

 

I should add that her relationship with her dad is not very good. They don't talk and he treats her like a child. I constantly defend him even though we don't really know each other (she rarely wants to go to her house or to see her dad). She lost her mother at a young age and it was brutal for her, devastating for them both. I can't imagine losing you're devote wife and mother of your 4 children. I just sort of feel sorry for him and it seems like it's really affected him and his relationship with his kids. But he does support them and is a hard working military man. I have a lot of respect for him. A Paratrooper.

 

So my GF and I live a good life with my mom and they get along famously. I was raised very "old school" I like to think and I believe her dad respects me and is at least happy his daughter is with someone who treats her proper. There were definitely some douchbags in her past.

 

We share a lot of interests and we got each other into a lot of things. She didn't have many friends in our hometown and had a rough time in high school. I on the other hand have very long time friends that I grew up with and have long histories with my family. Very good friends, good people. But she's kind of shy and anti social with people she doesn't know but eventually she really took a liking to my friends which is great. I started bringing her to all my baseball games. I play on a team of very close friends and it's a pretty big deal to us. Every summer we're always together and now she was a part of that and she loved it.

 

Now eventually she made her decision to go to college after she finished upgrading. Now me...I will admit have screwed up my teenage life badly and am still trying to pick up the pieces. I dropped out at 17 and starting working. Now comes a time when I'm 23 and working in a miserable job that doesn't pay me enough. I need to finish up my schooling and think about something better. I'm miles behind her I feel like. Even though I was paying bills while she was doing her school and living with me. I don't hold anything against her. I truly want her to get a degree so we're not stuck in minimum wage jobs but she is quite a few steps ahead of me. A smart girl.

 

This girl loved me. Man did she love me. She would do anything for me, pick me up through any downs I had. Absolutely 100% dedicated to me. In love...so much. Sex life? Amazing. She absolutely adored me. I bought her a nice ring after year 1 and a necklace after year 2. She loves them. Symbol of our love and all that jazz. sigh.

 

So anyway she decided to go to school in the fall and we decided to stick with it. I love her. But we both knew it would be hard. She is about an $800 dollar plane ticket away and only coming back for xmas and summers and whenever we can afford to inbetween. For 2 or 3 years. I bought her an iPhone so we could skype and facetime.

 

We hadn't quite figured out how it was going to work after 6 months, a year, or more but just sort of vowed to figure it out. To somehow get our lives on the same page and get our own place, and see eachother as much as possible. We sort of had an idea. I would eventually move down there, or we would get a place after her schooling was done.

 

Sorry...anyway. We had this last summer together and I was working a lot and had baseball every other day. I would always stay for drinks with the team after and most of the time she would be there. But I definitely stayed for drinks far too often and too late sometimes. She would go home and I would crash in drunk at midnight or worse. Bless her heart for putting up with that. But we're a fun bunch and I always get pretty caught up with our team and the league every year. She understood but I'm sure she felt like I could set more time aside to do things with just her and I. Nice things like we use to. But I was very busy this summer and coming off the death of my grandfather in the spring. I guess I just needed my friends and I probably, no surely, neglected our relationship and got too comfortable. I neglected her.

 

So like I said I was starting to really hate my job and she was going through the stress of getting ready to move, and go to school and everything that comes with that. So I did something I think was very stupid but man did I ever think it was a good idea.

 

I decided to take us on a vacation for a week to a nice spot my friends and I go almost every year (though I hadn't gone in almost 6 years) in the kooteney mountains camping. Now this trip foolishly was centered around baseball. The weekend was a baseball tournament. But it's just so much fun. We went for a week and had a great time but again...was with 6 of my best friends and their GFs.

 

It wasn't the romantic getaway she probably thought. It was a week long party. Now we had a great time together there but I know I should have done more things with just her. Romantic things. Like I said...I got comfortable and neglected her. I didn't know it at the time because we were laughing and having fun but I think she just got tired of it. But all was well I thought and we came back home a day or two late. This was a huge problem because she was leaving for school 2 weeks after we got back and she had plenty of things to do. She was pretty stressed out.

 

But ofcourse what's happening when we get back? My leagues playoffs. Another god damn weekend of drinking and baseball I can't really avoid (the drinking yeah, but she usually has so much fun out there) because I'm actually coaching these guys and playing at the same time. Been doing this for years. I had to coach this year so I had to be a little more invested in the team. What can I say it's my thing and she knows that. But still I should've just played the games and went home to her. But I didn't. I stayed out and did the year end party and tried to drag her along but she would just go home. She would say it's ok and to be with my friends but I knew I was pushing it.

 

So the next week came and we just hung out normally. I of course had to apologize and there were some arguments. I have a pretty bad temper and I can snap back at her sometimes. Never physical of course but I can yell and swear a lot. But we've been through a lot together and she loves me. She can be pretty selfish at times and it really annoys me but I guess I'm just being a hypocrite. I'm the king of selfish and I constantly draw her along. It's give and take and I see now that I was taking way too much and not giving her what she wanted. Someone to do things she wanted to do also. Why didn't I go to the friggin play she asked me to go to. Things like that. Instead lets just play video games and stay home. God I'm an idiot.

 

So we sort of fixed things and had a decent last week together. But again we were really busy and beat by the end of the day. Our sex life started to dwindle to like once a week or longer. We only slept together once on our vacation...it's shameful I know because it's pretty much 100% my fault. She's so beautiful. Attractive. I do want her but I just got lazy. Like an old married couple at the god damn 3 year mark. Foolish of me. Why didn't I see that I wasn't loving her enough? I got complacent. Pre occupied. I hate myself for not seeing that.

 

And I can't believe I just skipped a mammoth point. Long story short my job tried to screw me on this time I booked for the vacation so I quit. It's a long story but all I'll say is it was time. I was being treated horribly and was already as high up the ladder as I could go. So I quit. Went on vacation with her and came home to no job. But I had money. I was moderately prepared. I applied for EI and decided to start finishing my schooling.

 

So after a very, very hard goodbye she left for school. We talked everyday of course and things were going fine. She was in a new place so at first she was calling me several times a day and texting me all day long. She didn't have any friends and was nervous in a big city and in college. She was set up in dorms with 3 other girls. She quickly became friends with them which was good. But of course the contact started to dwindle and she was extremely busy with her schoolwork and studying. She still called me almost everynight but we didn't really text as much and we've only skyped and facetimed a couple times. her internet is bad.

 

Eventually I started to get insecure. My past girlfriends have all sort of ended up leaving at this point and one particular one I was with for a long time cheated on me. But none so much in love with me as this girl. So I started to kind of get mad at her for not calling after going out on a friday night drinking. The same thing happened the next weekend. I know I was being a bit clingy but I told her all I wanted was a little phone call when she gets home at whatever ungodly hour she's home at and just say "I'm home safe baby, goodnight and I love you". That's seriously all I wanted. She agreed and said sorry. I told her I trust her and I don't mind her blowing off steam on the weekends because college is hard and she works hard and deserves it. But deep down. Of course I worry about her. In a big city with new friends and plenty of young college boys. But god damnit I know she wouldn't do that so I let myself get into that state of mind. I let myself go a bit crazy and insecure about us.

 

Anyway maybe she was getting annoyed that I was acting insecure. Maybe it's the fact I have no job and no immediete plan for the future other than finishing my schooling and getting a part time job or something. But I know she's tired of the way I've been treating her. Such as just not making the time to be with her when she was here and when we argue I call her on a lot of stuff and I can be pretty rude. And she's ultrasensitive. I've said things I wish I could take back and so has she. But she'll use it as ammunition. Probably rightfully so.

 

But the final straw with her was yesterday. It was Saturday morning and she again went out the night before and didn't call me or text me at all. After saying the previous 2 weeks that she understands why I was a little mad and that she's sorry and she'll try not to do that but sometimes she just gets home and passes out. **** I've done it several times. But this is long distance and we're supposed to be trying to make it easier on eachother. And to me this was making it easier. Just call me and say goodnight thats all I ask. Not only that but being out all night at college parties and not even speaking to me bred my insecurity. Can you blame me? Ball season is over and my weekends are pretty droll in the fall/winters. Movies, video games, and the odd drink but I don't party much during this time of year. I kind of keep to myself. Still hang out with friends to watch football and such but really just stay home.

 

So yes. I sit at home while she's out on the weekends and do my thing while kind of waiting for a text and phonecall at night just stewing in my own brain. Probably overthinking everything. I should add that she's one of those girls that has a couple guy friends. It's why she got along with my friends so well. She doesn't really get along too well with some other girls. Or atleast the girls in my hometown. And that's fine because I trust her. She loves me. She'd always say to me how she would never ever cheat on me. Her ex did and it killed her and she'd never do that to me. I said the same thing.

 

She had told me about her new friends (her 3 roommates and a couple guys) and of course I think about her out partying with them. But she's so timid I don't know why I would worry. But I do. I'm a jealous person but I've never really showed that with her and I try my hardest not too. I just get a little sick when I think of those guys intentions. I'm a guy. I know they always have some slim hope that maybe they'll be with her. I'm one of those people that think men and women can't really be "hang-out" type of friends without one of them having some hidden sexual motive. I'm probably wrong but it drives me crazy to think about. She's gorgeous and a nerd. What more could a college guy want? MOAR insecurity PLZ.

 

Jesus...I'm ranting. But I wouldn't be on here if I had anyone else to bring this to. I just don't want to hear the "it'll be okay you'll get through this" that would come from my friends.

 

So THIS is where I failed miserably. I woke up the Saturday afternoon (slept in) to a text from her asking if I've found a job yet. I got defensive and kind of annoyed. To me it was like: really? you don't talk to me at all in the last couple days other than a couple little texts and I dont get a good morning baby, a goodnight baby, a I love you, a how was your night babe? NO. I get "hey have you found a job yet?". So I got a little peeved and sarcastic and said "No, why?" to which she responded with "Well I'm working everyday and so should you don't ya think?".

 

Man that pissed me off. No really? You mean people should actually work everyday to make a living? No **** I need a job. I'm trying to focus on finding something I don't hate all the while starting my schooling and I really didn't need this. So it spiraled into a text fight from hell. Over a semi-harmless little text asking a question. But she said things that really crept in on my pride. or Ego. Or both. Like how I need to grow up and move out and figure out what I want to do with my life. I guess she'd been sitting on that for awhile. I don't blame her for being concerned about my status. Yes I'm unemployed but I've got a plan. Maybe I didn't really explain to her my plan as well as I had thought. I think she thinks I'm just lazin' around. Which isn't too far off but things are coming together. I'm not freaking out why is she?

 

She went on to say I need to grow up, and that (low blow) even my best friend said I need to get my **** together. None of this is wrong. But it was her delivery. All of a sudden sort of. I didn't take it well. I rarely do when it comes to negative feedback on my life choices. But she brought it down hard. and in text. It got to a point where I called her a hypocrite and to stop being a bitch. I even went as far too say "sorry if I'm not a college boy". And that if I wasn't good enough that I'm sure she has new friends that are.

 

Man I screwed that up. Right from the beginning I was just defensive and hostile once she started to really dig at me. IN TEXT. God damnit I hate texting. So I'd call. She wouldn't answer. I couldn't defend myself in text and I just sort of fueled the fight with my anger. We both said things that we sometimes say in stupid rage like "I'm done with this" or "I can't do this anymore" but it's usually just because of our tempers and we always make up and settle down and talk it out. This time we both said it. And I said it first. My temper got the better of me and I said "I'm done.". I didn't mean it. I knew when I said it that I was full of crap. That I was just trying to win the argument. Just being an idiot. Then she said it to. We both ranted with a couple more small texts then she said her tutor was coming and she'd talk to me later. So we stopped fighting. Or took a break...

 

A few hours later I texted her back with a short text just saying "I'm sorry. I could never leave you. I'm sorry I get so angry. I say things I don't mean"

 

Usually after we settle down we both kind of retract a few things and say sorry. The relationship threats never come to fruition and we both acknowledge that we say that stuff out of anger and we shouldn't do that.

 

This time was not one of those times. She replied with "we're done" "we are over". My heart sank so fast I lost my breath and my hands started to shake. I blindly and frantically texted her back. I bombarded her with text after text. I couldn't believe how fast my stance had changed my head was spinning. Tried to call her to take everything back I ever said to her. I went complete meltdown. Now I've always had success with girls. Or atleast I've always had girlfriends. This relationship was my 2nd longest by a little bit. I've been crushed before. But this. This was devastating. I wanted to beg her to listen to me. To pick up her phone so I could SPEAK to her. But I don't even know what to say. I just texted I'm sorry a million times. That I would be better. That I know I had problems. She'd heard it all before. Empty promises. But not this time! No god damnit this time I'm going to control this crap and treat you like the princess you are. I said nothing. I said everything. IN TEXT. Man I felt helpless. I feel helpless.

 

Now she was drinking I could tell and when I called her she said she was at a party. I'm sure it was affecting her which led to one of the daggers when she said "even my friends think you're bad for me, you're mean to me and I don't deserve this". This killed me. I wanted to jump on a plane that very second. I seriously almost instantaneously started looking at flight costs. $900. NINE HUNDRED. And you know what? I was about to throw that on my visa and say screw it I don't care! I still might. I can't afford it at all. No way. But I NEED to be able to talk to her and see her. When she's face to face with me I can always make her understand. I can always talk her down. The longer she would be away from me the more she would kind of change.

 

Even at home when she'd spend a few days at her dads because she just hadn't seen him in awhile. I could see it. Like without me there...I was losing that girl I know. The one I truly know. THAT person. She can get consumed by stress and her dad and things around her that she only calms down when she's with me. Vain I know. But I swear to god she's a different person when she's with me. I keep her calm and happy. When I'm not there I just can't get my message through. Or at least that's how I feel sometimes. I don't know...I'm so confused and in self destructive thought. Trying to reason with all this and find a way to get through to her.

 

The texts went on with my pleading for the one I really, really love and her saying she doesn't believe that I can change. She even said that she's ugly and I don't have sex with her anymore. A wash of things from the summer. That I'd rather hang out with my friends. That we haven't gone on more than a couple real dates in the last year. That she was just "there".

 

She posted on FB (we both keep our personal lives out of social media and don't let things out on there. But we do have pictures with eachother and we are in a relationship together on it) that: "I'm surrounded by a group of people that are just like me. Finally not feeling like the odd one out." Which was fine when she posted it. I truly am happy for her. But during this texting she said that everyone likes her there and that she hates our hometown. That she finally has friends now. I agreed with her but she went on running everything down about our hometown and our life here which made me pretty sad because I started to make sense of how much she's changing and improving her life. And how she's leaving me behind. Like I said she didn't have many friends here. She had me and my friends and my mom. And highschool was hard on her.

 

But I couldn't defend myself against this. Her friends I'm sure had made their minds up on me just from seeing the state she was in. They didn't know me. All they knew was I'm the guy making there new friend sad, and being "mean" to her. The boyfriend that's a complete jerk. Helpless. I would add here the many things she said that gutted me in many ways. But at this point I just gave up on any argument over anything I had. I just want to end this fight and be together. To apologize for everything. To vow that I wouldn't fly off the handle on her again.

 

But I'm not hiding anything. I didn't call her every name under the sun, I wasn't "mean" to her. I was stern at first trying to make my points and explain to her what I wanted to say and then when I lost it I said she was being a you know what. She is super sensitive. We don't call eachother names. And when we do it's a big deal. That combined with the college boy comment and just my whole approach to the whole thing. I was mean though. I do get very thick headed when I'm in an argument and when shots start to fly I fire them back. I regret it so much. I NEED to get a handle on that.

 

This is all still so fresh to me and I'm sure I'm leaving a lot out. You (The Reader)are probably thanking god for that. I've only talked to her in a few texts today. It's the same thing. She needs time she says. She doesn't think I can change and she's not sure about us anymore.

 

I've been such a wreck all day. I just want to hear her voice. To talk to her. But I want to give her space and not push her away. I just told her I love her and to have faith in me. That I promise to fix things. That I understand what she's telling me. That I'll be a better person. That she's everything to me. And so help me god I will be. But is it too late? I know I have to change for myself. I want to. I truly do. I just want her to try to remember all the good times we've had and not to throw this away. I'm gonna do everything I can to mend this. It will probably ruin me. I can't even eat. I've smoked 2 packs of cigarettes today.

 

I just want to show her we have a future. That it's going be like it use to be. That I'm just having a rough time with things and I'm taking it out on her. I can't focus on anything. I just zone out. This has absolutely crippled me. I'm so mad at myself. I just lay here and think about her. Backtracking through everything. I've never felt so helpless and far away from her. She won't answer her phone. I'm lost without her. I need to get her back. I would do anything to get her back. I love this girl with all my heart. There is no way I could ever see myself with anyone else. This is destroying me. And I'll never be the same again if I lose her.

 

 

 

Thank you for reading. I'm sorry for this long post. I've left so much out. I guess I just needed to try and get a handle on my thoughts. I just miss her so much. I want to fly down there and save us. Take her to every restaurant in the city. Whatever it takes. I love her so much. so so much.....I've never been such a wreck. I am completely numb.

[Chi townD]

Dude, I was you. MANY, MANY years ago.

 

I caught the girl I was supposed to marry cheating on me. When I caught her, she told me that I was a loser, no motivation, no goals in life. That I was never going to college and I was going to spend my life working dead end jobs. She was going with someone that had a future.

 

So, what did I do? I had to prove her wrong! What's different from you and I was that I did graduate high school. Not the best grades in the world, but not the worst either. Let's just say I wasn't getting into Harvard. But, I did find a University that was willing to take a chance on me on a probationary peroid. I got motivated and I found that I did like school. Nothing like getting an A on a paper that you've worked on. Helps with your self esteem that people liked what you've produced and validated it for you. I wanted to get another A, and other and other..... The probation didn't last long because after my first year I had a 3.78 GPA. I finished my undergrad and I immediate went in Grad school. After college, I entered into the work force and I did very well in my field. I could afford a nice house and a nice car. Ive traveled the world! I've been to no less than 20 different countries. I met a wonderful woman along the way. And she became my loving wife.

 

But here's the rub. When I first started my self improvement journey, it was to prove to the Ex that she was wrong about me. That fueled my motivation at first. Then, after about a year, it became about me. I was the one doing the work. I was the one studying all the time, i was the one getting the good grades. NOT HER!!!! I did this for me. I did well for me, not for her.

 

So, here you are. You're not working, playing baseball and not much else. You're Ex is surrounded by guys and girls that are motivated to get a career and earn more than minimum wage. And you have "a plan". That's all she hears. She doesn't see anything. She just hears...

 

You need to start getting motivated about something. You don't need to do what I did and go stupid about school and getting a PhD. Sometimes, school isn't for everyone. But at least an effort needs to be done to get yourself above board. Get your GED, your first step. Simple enough. Once you have that, you can go to community college. Nothing wrong with community colleges. They are a great way to get you started on something better for yourself. Do you realize that the salary difference between a high school graduate and someone with an Associates Degree's is 14,000 annually? I don't know about you, but I could always use an additional 14,000 dollars!! Community colleges have great programs. They have nursing programs that will earn you about 65,000 a year with a 2 year RN. And male nurses are in HIGH demand!! So, you'll get a job easily. Plus! Some nurses are REALLY HOT!!! The culinary arts program. In my city, Sous Chef's straight out of school are making 55,000. Some people have 2 year IT computer degree's and they are making a damn good living!!! Or, you use the community college as your spring board into a state university. If you get a associates degree's with a 3.5 GPA or higher, I guarantee you'll get accepted into two or more State Universities.

 

Time to stop talking and start doing. If your Ex isn't coming back, then that's her loss. BUT!!!! Make her see that it was, in fact, her loss.

 

Get motivated, dude. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.