Author ozziegal8 Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 Sorry a bit confused by last paragraph?
SoleMate Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 ozziegal8 asked: and y has he backed off is it something i have done? and a poster replied: Ask him. You won't get that answer here. That's only somethign you can get from him. For many relationship questions, this is great advice. However, for a baffled and grieving OW, there unfortunately is no point to asking the MM for information with the expectation that a truthful reply will be forthcoming. Most MM tell many lies to their BW and their OW. Although there is a slight chance your MM would be honest, I think the chance of an accurate answer is small enough that even asking is a waste of time. It's like asking the time of someone with a broken watch. Ozziegal, you come here to ask strangers with no knowledge of your life or situation (i.e. all of us), to help you understand MM's true thoughts. You ask that we interpret tiny bits of behavior (or non-behavior) to predict his future actions. You ask US. Think about that for a while. Please think about it. I believe you ask us because the rare answers you get from MM don't make sense and leave you unsettled emotionally. They don't make sense because they don't come from the sincere heart, they come from the time-honored "Player MM's Book of Affair Tips and Tricks". It's painful to see you so focussed one someone who has so little time and caring for you. Truly, NC is the only way to get healthy. It's a bandaid rip but it needs to happen. Don't let yourself be a multi-year OW. My 2c. 3
skywriter Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 If you stay in the A long enough, you'll experience the pangs of not being included....life will happen for yourself , things you'll wanna share, and he won't be available. It could be an life event, a death in a death in hisfamily.Birthdays, holidays, just so many things you might wanna share, heck, a bad day, a good day. You name it... The resentment with fester.....maybe I'm projecting here...my experience... You are not being rude by not answering...You are living your life, what else can you do, be on stand by...? Your choice. If you have to wait four days after it happens, you've been through it and then you meet up, it's past and lost it's meaning.. You'll experience it....and know when it happens. Ozzie, Come on now, this last paragraph was just like the entire post. It was what you can expect, from an A. Just like, you, saying you go through spells not hearing from him. I've already lived this, was in the A, two months shy of six yrs. In the last paragraph, I was setting up a hypothetical situation to give you an example, if you have to wait to share something you are grieving, or excited about, something important, after ex; 4 days, 5, 6, 7, whatever...it loses it's meaning and leaves you resenting, and hurt. I also think I mentioned, say he's grieving, or hey getting a promotion, just examples of something, ok? But say this is happening, and he's going through this with who? His W and kids, not you. He gets to you a week later. It's lost it's meaning then, you feel left out or not included. You asked earlier, what I meant by not included. That's what I was meaning by it. I went through all this and it really will open your eyes to why it isn't real and why you, don't need this A. But, anyway, I've tried...all I can do. Good luck OG...
veryhappy Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 If you are 3 months in, and it's already come to days of not hearing from him and wondering if you should reply or not, you are better off ending it. Send him to therapy, and move on. This MM is too guilty and too conflicted, and too not involved in the A to give you even a good A. It will never get better. I experienced what skywriter is saying, but maybe you aren't there yet, and are younger so you don't really expect that full emotional support 7 days a week from a significant other. It's just moments in time where you think "I wish I could tell him about that", but he's not there and by the time you see him it's irrelevant or not as intense. It's the inability of being able to share a life fully that eventually becomes very evident. 1
nofool4u Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 he also say's that he feels guilty sleeping with me then having to leave as he is not a 'user' LOL, oh thats a good one. He is not only a user, he is a POS.
Author ozziegal8 Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 Hi I havent felt that need yet to ring or txt in times of need that's why I was questioning I'm still away have not heard from him since Saturday but I haven't contacted either I think my talk with him has scared him off He was finding time to cut our time together shorter after I did this and wouldn't have sex as he doesn't want me to feel used??? Funny as he was the one who initially pushed for it and I wouldn't !
skywriter Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Hi I havent felt that need yet to ring or txt in times of need that's why I was questioning I'm still away have not heard from him since Saturday but I haven't contacted either I think my talk with him has scared him off He was finding time to cut our time together shorter after I did this and wouldn't have sex as he doesn't want me to feel used??? Funny as he was the one who initially pushed for it and I wouldn't ! He enjoyed the conquest apparently of the persuit. Once he got the sex, it tapered down as you wanted other things besides sex, like time.
firstandlast Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 It's the process I'd walk away from, not the potential. YMMV. Good luck. Excellent post. I'm not sure I understand what you mean with this sentence, though.
Author ozziegal8 Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 Its been nearly 5 days now since he txt I am starting to get angry now Not sure y he hasn't txt me seeing how my hols are? So much for him saying he would make an effort to txt How can someone go from a txtaholic to nothing?
carhill Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 (edited) Excellent post. I'm not sure I understand what you mean with this sentence, though. A married person has the potential to be a healthy partner, witnessed by the multitudes of married people who progress to future healthy relationships after divorce, regardless of how the divorce is prosecuted or what impelled it. In fact, it is *possible* that any of us could have been or could be now married to such a person. We might never know their true history, and that's OK, as long as the relationship is healthy in the now and the future. What I would walk away from is the process the OP is outlining here; the process of investing emotionally, physically and, for some, financially, in a person legally committed to someone else and, apparently in this case, is clearly choosing to retain that legal and social commitment to another. I see it as a clear instance of unfortunate timing. A promising potential encountered at an unpromising moment in life. IMO, it's healthier to accept that and let it go. I recall a period in MC where I fought for that potential like a life preserver about a drowning man; in time, I would come to see the unhealthiness of that fight; that the life preserver was merely a manifestation of my own unfulfilled desires and the work was to find a healthy resolution to those issues, not grasp at another person. The OP's work may be different, but the process of reaching to another, an inappropriate other, to fulfill one's personal desires is the one I'd walk away from, now. Edited October 17, 2012 by carhill commas 1
Author ozziegal8 Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 Hockey I don't necessarily agree here as initially mm contacted me 20 times a day which was similar to a relationship he told me he would leave said he would spend more time with me asked to be invited out to meet my mates a month later I thought it was ok to say I miss him sometimes as he had opened up to me but it backfired to him backing off and now this is the longest period I haven't heard So why did he open up and say he wanted to meet my mates be invited out say he even misses hugging in Bed and then when I say similar he backs off he has confused me and I have felt to be led astray
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 Yes, you have been led astray. You went along knowingly. The way it is now is … the way it is. It's not going to get better, why would it? People say lots of things both to try to get what they want, and when they are carried away by the heat of the moment. Many times it means NOTHING. The only thing that means ANYTHING in a situation like this is actual behavior. You have all the information you need to decide how you want to proceed. What you're getting now is what is available to you. 1
Author ozziegal8 Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 I went along believing what he told me, that he would leave
veryhappy Posted October 17, 2012 Posted October 17, 2012 Hockey I don't necessarily agree here as initially mm contacted me 20 times a day which was similar to a relationship he told me he would leave said he would spend more time with me asked to be invited out to meet my mates a month later I thought it was ok to say I miss him sometimes as he had opened up to me but it backfired to him backing off and now this is the longest period I haven't heard So why did he open up and say he wanted to meet my mates be invited out say he even misses hugging in Bed and then when I say similar he backs off he has confused me and I have felt to be led astray It's classic hot and cold behavior to keep you around and interested in anything from him. He's messing with your head successfully. 1
Author ozziegal8 Posted October 18, 2012 Author Posted October 18, 2012 Hmm just when I felt stronger today he phoned I made sure he went on and on about the good time I was having
Author ozziegal8 Posted October 18, 2012 Author Posted October 18, 2012 i meant i went on about the good time i was having...
nofool4u Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 Its been nearly 5 days now since he txt I am starting to get angry now Not sure y he hasn't txt me seeing how my hols are? So much for him saying he would make an effort to txt How can someone go from a txtaholic to nothing? UGH! He is a cheating married man and you are messing around with him. What are you really expecting to expect??
Author ozziegal8 Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 Hi hockey I'm not sure now if he is after sex he never makes first move and the last time we saw each other he didn't try and told me he doesnt want me to feel used for sex and declined
skywriter Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Hi hockey I'm not sure now if he is after sex he never makes first move and the last time we saw each other he didn't try and told me he doesnt want me to feel used for sex and declined. The bottom line is, alot of posters have been down this dead end with MM. You ask what , and why about certain behaviors. We can give you our theories based on our experiences. You have to make the final decision of what you are aiming for. We just don't wanna see you hurt. I know I was hurt, regretful, humiliated, degraded, and worst of all, I made the choice to put myself there.
Author ozziegal8 Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 i know skywriter, i feel so much better for getting away, and i thank everyone for all the help and support it has helped me dearly. i realise now he has to sort himself out and me being there is not good as he wont sort himself out. he has his cake and eating it. i wont be seeing him when im back. but he doesnt want sex now well say's he doesnt as he doesnt want me to feel used, does make me feel a bit rejected though i know it sounds silly, why the chase then backs off?
ThatJustHappened Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Don't rationalize. He is not debating what to do. Cake eaters never intend to leave the marriage. They generally have to be kicked out. This..and also, OP why are you so worried about what he needs? Who cares if he needs you around or not? He's married, and he's screwing with you. Let his wife take care of his needs..it's not your job.
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