ponette Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 45 days and not a shred of contact. i have never reached out, and want to, but feel it's probably pointless. anger is a problem for me. i moved out a few months ago and we had been trying to work on the relationship. i got all angry with him and withdrew, and he never bothered to ask what was wrong. that just made me madder. his last contact to me was via email just relaying a message from work. i never responded. i guess i was waiting for him to ask me what the problem was, or at least how i was doing, but all i got was that email.i have not heard from him since, and that was 45 days ago. i'm surprised by the length of time that has gone by without contact. we were in a relationship for 5 years, and i am shocked that after everything we've been through, it appears he did not even care about me to break up with me. some that know us both think that by failing to do so, he is giving me time to get my sh.it together and leaving the door open for later. i'd like to believe that, but i just don't know anymore. i had been trying to work on my problems before we stopped talking and continue to do so now, but i'm really struggling and suffering terribly, torturing myself with every possible combination of negative possibilities. there are times when i really feel as though i am losing my mind. i want to reach out, but i'm afraid he either won't respond, or will tell me he doesn't care about me. i wonder if his pride is more important than love. i ask myself the same question. he knows i'm in therapy, and want to be well. i wonder if he's giving me the space to do that-but why not say so? he has always been an upfront person, which is why i'm surprised that he didn't just end things properly, and if he wanted to backdoor itbecause he didn't want to deal with my anger, why not send an email? silent treatment is guaranteed to piss somebody off more, so it seems an odd choice if you're trying to avoid anger. i live just a few miles away; we share a po box. he's got some of my stuff at his storage, and i have some of his things. you'd think he'd want to sort that business out. no word. i'm pretty frustrated and desperately sad. i have some problems, as we all do, and don't believe anything i've done is so awful that he should write me off like this. is he punishing me for all the times i went silent and withdrew? they were never this long, until now. i wonder if he asks himself these questions, but i doubt it. if he wanted to contact me, he would...or would he? is pride more important? should i contact? is there any hope? i need support. thanks.
Minka333 Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 If no one is willing to break the silence then it could lead to forever of not knowing why. It will only build resentment and hatred in the end. Why not try to be the better person? Be the one to reach out? Be the one to approach the issue with maturity. Why not swallow your pride and get it over with?*Get the burden off your chest..rather than spend each and everyday wondering. It will only prolong your agony....
tom3.1415 Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Getting mad and then withdrawing, giving the silent treatment or whatever and expecting the partner to come asking what's wrong is sort of a head-game, isn't it? That stuff wears on you and at some point you just quit and say "if she's mad she can tell me what's wrong or not but I'm done with the game." Sounds like he's done with that type of communication, so if you want to speak with him you probably will have to contact him. 2
Author ponette Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 thanks to you both. i am alone with my crazy thoughts and i am sinking. tom- i think that may be spot on. it's simple, and it makes sense. i'm trying to get help with my anger, and while i'm mostly responsible, this ain't all me. i want to reach out, but don't know what to say. i want him back, and i want things different. i want to be different-better-well. i don't know if that's possible, especially given the fact that i haven't heard anything, which is unusual. i don't want my potential communication to pressure him, because that's not fair given all that's happened. just not sure what to say or how to phrase it.
Calico Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 If no one is willing to break the silence then it could lead to forever of not knowing why. It will only build resentment and hatred in the end. Why not try to be the better person? Be the one to reach out? Be the one to approach the issue with maturity. Why not swallow your pride and get it over with?*Get the burden off your chest..rather than spend each and everyday wondering. It will only prolong your agony.... Yes, and do it every two weeks again because who knows? They might just be too proud or scared to reach out after the past few days somehow made them miss you. The addicted mind will never cease to provide you with excellent and delicious reasons for just why you should try again, why you should do whatever it takes to get another fix. I'm all for people trying it one time, so that they have tried, but there are always new reasons why they should try again, and again, and again.
Author ponette Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 Please do not hijack my thread. Thanks.
Author ponette Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 Calico- did you read my post? I've NEVER tried to talk to him-we've never even had the breakup talk. So I'm not sure why all the 'try and try and try' talk. You seem awfully quick to be critical when you have broken no contact and I have not.
Calico Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Then have that talk, like Minka said. You should have done this much sooner already. Like I said here, and many times before, I don't feel that there is much point to NC unless you are ready and feel you have done/said/tried what you needed and wanted to say. You make these threads every few days, so why not tell him what you want to say and take it from there? You don't seem to be ready for NC. I wasn't ready the first time either, so I said everything that was left to say, paid with the extra pain for it, and THEN it worked for me.
Author ponette Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 clear that you did not read my posts after your non-sequitur response to minka. i clearly state that i have not contacted this person. if you are not going to read the posts, not provide any thoughtful advice when it is requested, and be judgmental on top of it, please don't bother. thanks!
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