tigressA Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Some friends and I were talking and we've all experienced this. Dating a guy and having them be frustrated because we haven't had sex, though we've been otherwise physically intimate. Not consciously teasing; it's mostly because we're just not comfortable with that stage yet for whatever reason. And these men resent that we don't trust them enough. They'll see you less often and make it seem like the only reason they're coming around is in hopes of 'finally' getting some. It's like they feel they can't--or they just won't--control themselves; they'll use their sexual frustration as an excuse to not hang out as much. Any other women here gone through this? Men, care to chime in with your thoughts? I personally don't think it's worth dealing with this type of man. I feel guilty about waiting even though I have my reasons for doing so, and that's not right. I feel like I'm being pressured with passive-aggressive games. 4
ThaWholigan Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 They don't know how to adequately deal with their sexual frustration. It's a lack of masculine control IMO. You have to be able to deal with it. That's why they don't get laid usually or there is discomfort - they wear their frustration on their sleeves . It is about "finally getting some".
somedude81 Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Uh, if unless you and these guys are under 16, if you're not having sex, you're just friends. Most guys don't want to be just friends with girls they are interested in. That's why they start to pull away, because they feel like they are wasting their time. And no, that does not mean that they only want sex, but sex is necessary.
Author tigressA Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 They don't know how to adequately deal with their sexual frustration. It's a lack of masculine control IMO. You have to be able to deal with it. That's why they don't get laid usually or there is discomfort - they wear their frustration on their sleeves . It is about "finally getting some". So how does one deal with it? And is it even worth dealing with? I personally don't think it is.
MrCastle Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Just chalk it up to incompatibility. I expect to have sex by X time. If she is not ready to give it up by whatever time that is, I move on. Keep in mind, though, that I'm not looking for a girlfriend. If I met a girl I really liked, I suppose I could wait it out, if her and I really clicked and I wanted to make her my girlfriend. That's not where I'm at in my life presently though. If I'm not having sex I'm not talking to the girl. No offense to her, I just don't want to waste my time. I would never pressure a girl into having sex earlier than she wanted and I'm in no mood to wait around so the next logical option is to move on. She can find a guy more her pace, I can find a girl more my pace. 1
Els Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 No, actually,I can't really say I have. My experience has been that if a man is into you enough (ie you're more than just another fish in the sea to him), he will be willing to wait graciously for as long as you need, as long as there is clear expression of romantic and physical interest from your side. I do have a few female friends who were pressured before, and when they asked me for advice,I said to them the exact same thing I said in this post. Most of them said I was right, later. I can't speak for everyone and everywhere, but in my experience there is no shortage of men who want a girl to be fully ready before having sex, and those men will be more than happy to wait for a girl that he is genuinely interested in. So why force yourself for the others who aren't? 10
threebyfate Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 There's a third date rule for sex started by PUAs. Young guys are lapping it up. If a guy walks because he feels he's waited too long. Oh well. 5
Sanman Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 No, actually,I can't really say I have. My experience has been that if a man is into you enough (ie you're more than just another fish in the sea to him), he will be willing to wait graciously for as long as you need, as long as there is clear expression of romantic and physical interest from your side. I do have a few female friends who were pressured before, and when they asked me for advice,I said to them the exact same thing I said in this post. Most of them said I was right, later. For the record, I think there are two sides to this for many men. I have waited for sex, but only when dating women I felt were extraordinarily genuine and interested in a relationship. When I had the feeling that she may be playing games, multi-dating, or not that interested, I did get concerned when sex not on the table. Now, this was not just due to wanting sex, but rather because it puts the relationship in a holding pattern. Much as many women are concerned about being used for sex, I know more than a few men (including myself) that have been used for company, attention, money, and as an emotional dumping ground (aka, the backup guy).
threebyfate Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 I know more than a few men (including myself) that have been used for company, attention, money, and as an emotional dumping ground (aka, the backup guy).Firstly, if you resent paying, don't do it. Next, company and attention. Are you not getting her company and attention too? As far as emotional dumping ground or being the backup guy, as if women aren't used as the backup girl too. So, the only thing left is sex. It's as if men feel they're entitled to sex. In case you hadn't realized, you're talking about penetrating a woman's body. This isn't about cursory touching, this is about penetration. Why the hell would any woman who isn't comfortable enough with a guy, particularly one who keeps pressuring her for it, allow this guy to invade her body? Any idea how gross this is? 6
Els Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 For the record, I think there are two sides to this for many men. I have waited for sex, but only when dating women I felt were extraordinarily genuine and interested in a relationship. When I had the feeling that she may be playing games, multi-dating, or not that interested, I did get concerned when sex not on the table. Now, this was not just due to wanting sex, but rather because it puts the relationship in a holding pattern. Much as many women are concerned about being used for sex, I know more than a few men (including myself) that have been used for company, attention, money, and as an emotional dumping ground (aka, the backup guy). Yes, definitely agreed. I did mention that there should be clear interest from her side as well, and that interest should hopefully be genuine, as you say. I can completely understand why a man would want to cut his losses if there is no demonstration of genuine interest from the girl at all. This had never been a problem for me as I don't multi date, or pay games, or whatever.
Mycteria Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 I usually want to wait a while for sex, but if he's not getting his needs met out of the relationship (sex being one of them) then I don't expect him to invest too much financially or emotionally. Basically, if I plan on "withholding" sex for a while to make sure I'm ready, I fully expect to be paying for my own stuff (which I usually do anyway) and I'm not going to freak out if he's seeing/sleeping with other people in the meantime.
darkmoon Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Some friends and I were talking and we've all experienced this. Dating a guy and having them be frustrated because we haven't had sex, though we've been otherwise physically intimate. Not consciously teasing; it's mostly because we're just not comfortable with that stage yet for whatever reason. And these men resent that we don't trust them enough. They'll see you less often and make it seem like the only reason they're coming around is in hopes of 'finally' getting some. It's like they feel they can't--or they just won't--control themselves; they'll use their sexual frustration as an excuse to not hang out as much. Any other women here gone through this? Men, care to chime in with your thoughts? I personally don't think it's worth dealing with this type of man. I feel guilty about waiting even though I have my reasons for doing so, and that's not right. I feel like I'm being pressured with passive-aggressive games. men think women are supposed to screw, this is why they're angry
Emilia Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Any other women here gone through this? Men, care to chime in with your thoughts? I personally don't think it's worth dealing with this type of man. I feel guilty about waiting even though I have my reasons for doing so, and that's not right. I feel like I'm being pressured with passive-aggressive games. Quite the opposite. I had ex who was convinced that I was only dating him for the sex (I wasn't) and wanted us to go without it for a while. I just can't do that though, perhaps for a short period of time maybe but I can't just go half or partially intimate then stop. This 'guilty til proven innocent' thing doesn't work for me. I think it's fair wanting the other person to be on the same page. If the two of you are not compatible then you should move on.
musemaj11 Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Meh, no different than women getting 'mad' at men for not paying for them on dates. For every man who believes a woman should put out on the fourth date or even before that, there is a woman who believes a man should pay out for the first four dates or even after that. Negatives go both ways. 2
phineas Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 (edited) Is this in a relationship or while dating? For me it would have to be dating because I don't consider it a relationship until we are having sex on the regular. I don't care what anyone says, i've yet to meet an attractive woman my age who doesn't have multiple options & exploring them. Let her. Can care less, the longer she holds out, the longer I don't have to answer to her. edit: OP, can you define "otherwise physically intimate." It isn't black & white so if she's giving me world class BJ's my answer would change based on how many dates an her expectations of me. Edited October 1, 2012 by phineas
oaks Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Any other women here gone through this? Men, care to chime in with your thoughts? I don't think I would express frustration, but there would come a point where I would question whether things were going in a direction I want at a speed that I want. I don't have a crazy 'third date' rule, but I don't want to wait forever either. I've got female friends already, and if I'm looking for a girlfriend then I want to be having sex with her once we've got as far as enough dates to know that we want to keep seeing each other. Otherwise, what's the point? Plus, what somedude81 said.
Author tigressA Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 Requested clarification: This is while in a newly established relationship. And 'otherwise physically intimate' means everything up to and including oral.
Emilia Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Requested clarification: This is while in a newly established relationship. And 'otherwise physically intimate' means everything up to and including oral. I've never ever understood people who would have oral sex with someone but not penetration. What a bizarre distinction. 7
AlexDP Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Some friends and I were talking and we've all experienced this. Dating a guy and having them be frustrated because we haven't had sex, though we've been otherwise physically intimate. Not consciously teasing; it's mostly because we're just not comfortable with that stage yet for whatever reason. And these men resent that we don't trust them enough. They'll see you less often and make it seem like the only reason they're coming around is in hopes of 'finally' getting some. It's like they feel they can't--or they just won't--control themselves; they'll use their sexual frustration as an excuse to not hang out as much. Any other women here gone through this? Men, care to chime in with your thoughts? I personally don't think it's worth dealing with this type of man. I feel guilty about waiting even though I have my reasons for doing so, and that's not right. I feel like I'm being pressured with passive-aggressive games. If a girl is highly attracted to me, she generally won't want to wait. So if, after a reasonable amount of time, she says she wants to wait, I take that as a sign she's just not that interested. 2
oaks Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Requested clarification: This is while in a newly established relationship. And 'otherwise physically intimate' means everything up to and including oral. So you're already having sex. What's the question again? 1
mitchell Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 You should dump these guys for their manipulative and immature behavior. I suspect a night with the Tigress would be worth the wait.
Author tigressA Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 So you're already having sex. What's the question again? Well, I personally am not. It was a collective answer; I mentioned in my OP I had talked about this with friends. But for simplicity's sake let's just stick with my situation--I am not having any sex, whether oral or intercourse.
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 I am unable to have "just sex". It doesn't make me fall for the guy, but I feel used. Even if I am not that into him, afterwards I feel empty and longing for the "real thing". So I only have relationship sex really. If we are both interested in a long term relationship, what's the rush? In my experience, the guys that got really impatient were the ones that wanted "hit it and quit it" anyway. My ex waited nearly 2 months with no pressure. He kept asking me "are you sure?" when I finally gave him the green light to take it "all the way". 6
oaks Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Well, I personally am not. It was a collective answer; I mentioned in my OP I had talked about this with friends. But for simplicity's sake let's just stick with my situation--I am not having any sex, whether oral or intercourse. Now I'm 2.7 times more confused. Ok, if there's a hypothetical example of a couple having oral sex but not penis-in-vagina sex then they are having sex already (the clue is in the name) and I can't see any particular reason why not to have sex of the penis-in-vagina kind real soon now. If there's a couple not having sex at all then both parties should take as long as it takes to be 'ready' to have sex... but personally, when I'm ready to want to keep seeing a woman (perhaps this is a "relationship", but perhaps it isn't yet) then I want to be having sex with her, and if she feels the same way about wanting to keep seeing me then I want her to want to have sex with me. Otherwise, why does she want to keep seeing me, and why would I want to keep seeing her?
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