xxoo Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Catch-22; no other type of guy except for nerds will date me. And no, it wasn't my attitude. Again, I am just not the type of girl (in terms of looks and personality) that guys want. Throughout human history, homely women have accepted their husbands having affairs, so long as the husband continued to support her (emotionally, financially.) Why should the modern world be different? Some gorgeous women are cheated on. Some homely women are adored forever by their partner. It has more to do with finding the right relationship, than having their right appearance. Personality does matter, and plays a role in finding the right relationship.
joystickd Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Catch-22; no other type of guy except for nerds will date me. And no, it wasn't my attitude. Again, I am just not the type of girl (in terms of looks and personality) that guys want. Throughout human history, homely women have accepted their husbands having affairs, so long as the husband continued to support her (emotionally, financially.) Why should the modern world be different? Trust me I know homely women and you are far from homely. Once the mind believes something it will seek out evidence to support it. For example for years I thought I was ugly. I spent middle school have black girls not even wanting to be near me and most other race wanting to be friends. In high school I was the friend. I went to an HBCU and no woman was interested in be. I spent time being depressed and at one point contemplating suicide. Most of the rejections these guy talk about don't even compare to what I have recieved. Like "Who the f**k wants to talk to you" or "Damn son you look like sh*t". I spent most of that time in college depressed and drunk. I had friends that wonder if I was gay. Nothing changed until I got out of college. That is when I changed me. All the limiting beliefs I had I changed. I went from caring about what they said about me to being like this song Then I met someone and I was happy. Like damn someone that actually wants to have sex with me. She f**ked me up bad. I went back to school and became a nurse and finally got a handle on changing me. Now it's like a total 360. I have no problems with dating except the majority of women I attract are married or have boyfriends. I will say that bothers me some.
TheBigQuestion Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Speaking of putting words in my mouth, didn't I qualify my statements about the male sex drive as not applying to ALL men? Pretty sure I did. It's a generalization. Of course there will be considerable variation. Are a good majority of men thinking about sex on a pretty constant basis? Sure. By the same token, are there guys out there who completely lose their attraction to other women once they become involved in a committed relationship? I don't doubt it one bit.
Els Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Okay, V, so do it. If you are so convinced that allowing your bf to explore a semi-open R (semi because you aren't sleeping around) will do your relationship good and make you happy... go for it, then. This is clearly one of those things that nobody and nothing other than experience is going to be able to convince you otherwise, so you might as well try it now and get it out of the way now rather than several failed relationships later.
Author verhrzn Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 Okay, V, so do it. If you are so convinced that allowing your bf to explore a semi-open R (semi because you aren't sleeping around) will do your relationship good and make you happy... go for it, then. This is clearly one of those things that nobody and nothing other than experience is going to be able to convince you otherwise, so you might as well try it now and get it out of the way now rather than several failed relationships later. Too bad none of the guys I date will go for it. Even my last ex-bf, who was actually cheating on me, didn't want an open relationship. Figure that one out... he was perfectly fine doing it behind my back, but somehow being honest about it meant he felt guilty and that it "wasn't how a relationship should be." The guy I'm currently dating refuses to do it, and says he finds it repulsive.... but he'll continue to watch porn and flirt with other girls. Men are so freaking confusing.
Els Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 So... let him watch porn and flirt with other girls, since that's what he wants and you're hell-bent on giving him whatever he wants in the 'other women' department? FWIW, many of us who would never do the open R thing don't really mind our partners watching porn, either. Heck, I watch porn.
Author verhrzn Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 So... let him watch porn and flirt with other girls, since that's what he wants and you're hell-bent on giving him whatever he wants in the 'other women' department? It hurts me when he's flirting with girls and watching porn and yet still claiming he's "monogamous." It constantly calls into question his truthfulness... if he's flirting with girls, then why not just sleep with them? It's him playing with fire but then refusing to admit it. If he's going to do things that ALREADY hurt me (and seem to me to be dishonest), then how about just going full-out? At least then I can remove the questioning and dishonesty from the equation.
Els Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 So... it hurts you when he watches porn, and you decided that the best way to prevent that hurt is to insist that he straight up sleep with other girls??
guildenstern Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 It hurts me when he's flirting with girls and watching porn and yet still claiming he's "monogamous." It constantly calls into question his truthfulness... if he's flirting with girls, then why not just sleep with them? It's him playing with fire but then refusing to admit it. If he's going to do things that ALREADY hurt me (and seem to me to be dishonest), then how about just going full-out? At least then I can remove the questioning and dishonesty from the equation. I dont know what you think monogamous means but watching porno has nothing to do with it and even flirting doesn't go against it. Sleeping with other people would be un-monogamous but its the only thing.
Author verhrzn Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 So... it hurts you when he watches porn, and you decided that the best way to prevent that hurt is to insist that he straight up sleep with other girls?? Yes. Like I said way back, honesty and transparency mean the most to me. If a guy is fantasizing about sleeping with other girls, and flirting with other girls, and essentially acting in a way that shows he is sexually attracted to other girls EXCEPT doing anything physical with them, it feels dishonest to me. It also feels like temptation; that he is forcing himself to be something (with me only) when he clearly wants something else (thus why he's fantasizing about other girls.) Humans don't do well with dissonance; eventually something has to snap. So, why not just deal with the reality (that he wants other people) instead of trying to hide, lie, or excuse it away? As long as he's claiming to be monogamous, I don't KNOW if he's given into the temptation and dissonance. If we have an open relationship, I know for sure that he has. No need to lie or hide anything; complete transparency of his desires and thoughts.
Author verhrzn Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 you have no acceptance for the human condition. None. And it's frustrating. lol. Could you actually try explaining your statements for once?
TheBigQuestion Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Yes. Like I said way back, honesty and transparency mean the most to me. If a guy is fantasizing about sleeping with other girls, and flirting with other girls, and essentially acting in a way that shows he is sexually attracted to other girls EXCEPT doing anything physical with them, it feels dishonest to me. It also feels like temptation; that he is forcing himself to be something (with me only) when he clearly wants something else (thus why he's fantasizing about other girls.) Humans don't do well with dissonance; eventually something has to snap. So, why not just deal with the reality (that he wants other people) instead of trying to hide, lie, or excuse it away? As long as he's claiming to be monogamous, I don't KNOW if he's given into the temptation and dissonance. If we have an open relationship, I know for sure that he has. No need to lie or hide anything; complete transparency of his desires and thoughts. I'm pretty sure you've said, on multiple occasions, that you do not believe flirting with other people while in a relationship is a big deal. How do you reconcile that belief with your extreme insecurity at the prospect of your boyfriend doing the same?
Author verhrzn Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 I'm pretty sure you've said, on multiple occasions, that you do not believe flirting with other people while in a relationship is a big deal. How do you reconcile that belief with your extreme insecurity at the prospect of your boyfriend doing the same? Because I was discussing other people. Other people are not me. In a relationship where two people love each other and are compatible, I don't think there are many things that could threaten the actual relationship so long as they communicate (and that actually includes sex, as I've mentioned poly couples who seem plenty in love.) However, since this thread started verying into my own personal life, I started discussing my views in regards to my own relationship. I said in earlier posts that I guess a man can be monogamous IF he is fully satisfied and completely enarmored of his partner (Soul Mate.) Since I will never be a guy's soul mate, or fully satisfy him, in my own personal relationships, I need another option. From my own experiences and everything I've heard, I seem to have the following choices: -Be alone forever -Be with someone monogamously and have them cheat/dump me -Be with someone who doesn't relay on me to satisfy them entirely From everything I've heard even in this thread, guys are monogamous ONLY to those ladies they "love." Well, if your guy doesn't love you, then logically, you shouldn't expect him to be loyal, correct?
xxoo Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 From my own experiences and everything I've heard, I seem to have the following choices: -Be alone forever -Be with someone monogamously and have them cheat/dump me -Be with someone who doesn't relay on me to satisfy them entirely From everything I've heard even in this thread, guys are monogamous ONLY to those ladies they "love." Well, if your guy doesn't love you, then logically, you shouldn't expect him to be loyal, correct? That just self-piting BS, V. There is NO REASON that you are unloveable. I can understand you have trouble finding love with your current attitude, but attitudes can change.
xxoo Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 As long as he's claiming to be monogamous, I don't KNOW if he's given into the temptation and dissonance. If we have an open relationship, I know for sure that he has. No need to lie or hide anything; complete transparency of his desires and thoughts. But people in open relationships still lie and hide things. They don't have complete transparency of their thoughts. Example: you are at a family dinner. Your mom bends over to check the turkey in the oven, and he has a flash of her bent over in bed, offering her bottom. Do you really think he needs to share that with you, or else he is a liar? Do you really think he wants to do your mom??? This is a man's brain! Enter at your own risk!
oaks Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 From my own experiences and everything I've heard, I seem to have the following choices: -Be alone forever -Be with someone monogamously and have them cheat/dump me -Be with someone who doesn't relay on me to satisfy them entirely You missed the option of you dumping him first (which should fall into the category of everything you've heard... or at least read on here). On a more serious note, don't forget that while you're in a relationship (like now!) you get to enjoy being in a relationship. That's why many of us do it, even though statistically or logically or whatever they are unlikely to last forever. And if you're not enjoying it, and can't fix it, then dump him. If you constantly focus on the bad bit of the relationship (the "inevitable" ending, perhaps) to the extent that you miss out on all the good bits then I really would advise you to go for option 1 (be single) so as not to drag someone else down with your negativity.
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