Trying to Understand Male Sexuality

[Lonely Ronin]

I am "happy" with other portions of my life. Notice that I rarely complain about my job, or even my social circles. This stuff makes me unhappy specifically in terms relating to dating.

 

That's not entirely true, you have complained about your job before. You didn't make a thread just for it, but you have discussed how you feel you can not grow beyond it in one fashion or another in other threads.

 

 

The few. Really. That's why the last two threads had nothing but male posters insisting THIS was male sexuality, and that women would just to have to "accept and deal with it." I glanced back through the threads, and there was not a single dissenting male voice that said," Well I don't objectify women in my head. I never have thoughts about a sexy woman when I'm dating someone." How is it the few when all guys seem to say the same thing?

 

first off for someone who claims to be highly logical you except some things as facts way to easily.

 

1. LS is not known for being the realm of normalcy.

2. A few dozen men on ls don't speak for the 3+ billion of us

3. Some people aren't going to weigh in on some topics

[bac]

 

Wait, so women don't fantasize about other men when they're in relationships?

 

As far as I can tell, the two biggest parts of your post (getting judged on physical traits, your SO fantasizing about other people) are things that apply to both genders. This is not "male sexuality", it's "human sexuality"

 

In fact, most women don't fantasize about other men when they are in Rs.

[colombiana28]

so, you know how us women seem to want contradictory things? we want a bad boy, but OH WAIT we also want someone who's emotionally mature, loving, a good provider, etc.

 

guys have their version:

 

they want that cool girlfriend, the one who is never jealous or insecure...but deep down they actually want a woman to be possessive. hence, both men and women tearing you apart for suggesting an open relationship.

 

it sucks, but it doesn't matter how you slice it: if you allow your partner to not be monogamous, respect goes down the tube.

[PJKino]

In fact, most women don't fantasize about other men when they are in Rs.

 

thats bs,most of my married friends wife oggle over celebrities they find hot all the time and also openly flirt with a very good looking single guy in our social circle

[Quiet Storm]

I'm married and I don't fantasize about other men. I will notice a good looking guy, but I never think about seeing him naked or having sex with him. It's not something I have to consciously control, my mind just doesn't go there.

 

I have a high sex drive, but it's 100% focused on my husband and our sex life.

 

Even when we were just dating, I never had thoughts like that.

[ThaWholigan]

I'm married and I don't fantasize about other men. I will notice a good looking guy, but I never think about seeing him naked or having sex with him. It's not something I have to consciously control, my mind just doesn't go there.

 

I have a high sex drive, but it's 100% focused on my husband and our sex life.

 

Even when we were just dating, I never had thoughts like that.

I would imagine there are people of both genders who are the same. I don't know, I've never had an LTR before, so my thought-process may or may not change.

 

Although in recent weeks, I've been thinking only about one girl wherever I've been - my old crush :mad:

[PJKino]

IF ANYTHING!!! I'd guess women Fantasize more about people they know/have crushes on, than random celebrities or what men would walk by and ogle.. Which sort of makes it more dangerous.

 

I agree with that because if you add physical attraction and then you get a connection/bond with a person youre around alot it can get dangerous

 

I know for a fact my friends wife would slepe with my single friend and she loves her husband but is extremely attracted to this guy

 

Im not saying men dont do scandalous things but in different ways, with men they seem to be more loyal with friends spouses, i look at my friends wives like sisters,where alot of women dont have that line of loyalty

[xxoo]

I'm a woman who sometimes has sexual thoughts about men, so this is easy for me to understand.

 

Enjoying a sexual thought, or having a sexual curiosity, does not necessarily mean I want to actually have sex with that person.

 

A monogamous relationship has its own benefits, for both men and women. So a guy can have a thought about a random woman--but that doesn't mean he wants to change his whole relationship from monogamous to open. He just wants to enjoy the passing thought, and move on.

 

Also, men noticing women's physical assets does not mean they are judging those assets. For the most part, if they are noticing, they are appreciating. You see saggy, he sees boobs. Boobs = good. That's as far as it goes.

[Feelin Frisky]

"Male sexuality" as expressed in the OP is simply "sexism". Turn it completely around and see if you can tell us similar bit about "female sexuality". I bet it will fall apart because you have fallen into a trap of trying to brand whole groups--this time a gender but the same holds true for race and racism--as possessing subjective limitation you in your mighty wisdom have chose to assign them. No doubt there are a lot of people who act similarly and are guilty of the same or similar shortfalls but that does not validate sexism or racism. That's all in your mind. What you need to CLARITY and DETACHMENT--an emotional and intellectual vantage point from which to view reality with fair reason and balanced temperament. I don't know you well enough to be able top say if that is a state you can reach all on your own or if perhaps medication might help you to cease seizing on these emotional engagements, so I suggest psychiatry. I use it myself to help me reach clarity do don't take it as an insult or anything. I works for me.

[Quiet Storm]

Just want to add to my post...

 

I don't expect my husband to think like me. As long as my husband doesn't act on or pursue any attractions, I'm good with thoughts. He explains that seeing attractive women may create a fleeting thought. He's not spending all day thinking about the hot woman he just saw. He'll see one, notice her, and go on about his business. Kind of like if he saw an awesome car drive by.

[verhrzn]

I'm a woman who sometimes has sexual thoughts about men, so this is easy for me to understand.

 

Enjoying a sexual thought, or having a sexual curiosity, does not necessarily mean I want to actually have sex with that person.

 

A monogamous relationship has its own benefits, for both men and women. So a guy can have a thought about a random woman--but that doesn't mean he wants to change his whole relationship from monogamous to open. He just wants to enjoy the passing thought, and move on.

 

Also, men noticing women's physical assets does not mean they are judging those assets. For the most part, if they are noticing, they are appreciating. You see saggy, he sees boobs. Boobs = good. That's as far as it goes.

 

I would prefer them not to notice at all, since the ONLY time I get noticed is to be criticized by men. I have accepted being invisible... but a guy dissecting me just to criticize (which is what always happen) is very uncomfortable.

 

I don't get why guys wouldn't want an open relationship if they are thinking sexual thoughts about another woman. What exactly is the harm, or the draw back? Is the ONLY reason men are monogamous is because they don't want their woman to sleep with other men?

 

If a man has a desire to sleep with someone else, I would rather he did than pretend to be fully monogamous. The lie, to me, is worse than the desire. And if the ONLY reason he is refraining is so that I won't run out and sleep with someone else, that's an even worse reason to be monogamous. I would rather have an honest open relationship than a closed dishonest one.

[verhrzn]

"Male sexuality" as expressed in the OP is simply "sexism". Turn it completely around and see if you can tell us similar bit about "female sexuality". I bet it will fall apart because you have fallen into a trap of trying to brand whole groups--this time a gender but the same holds true for race and racism--as possessing subjective limitation you in your mighty wisdom have chose to assign them. No doubt there are a lot of people who act similarly and are guilty of the same or similar shortfalls but that does not validate sexism or racism. That's all in your mind. What you need to CLARITY and DETACHMENT--an emotional and intellectual vantage point from which to view reality with fair reason and balanced temperament. I don't know you well enough to be able top say if that is a state you can reach all on your own or if perhaps medication might help you to cease seizing on these emotional engagements, so I suggest psychiatry. I use it myself to help me reach clarity do don't take it as an insult or anything. I works for me.

 

Except what I'm calling "male sexuality" is EXACTLY how it's been described to me by guys on this board and in real life. Is it "sexism" if I'm just repeating what I've heard from the horse's mouth?

[PJKino]

Except what I'm calling "male sexuality" is EXACTLY how it's been described to me by guys on this board and in real life. Is it "sexism" if I'm just repeating what I've heard from the horse's mouth?

 

Youve talked to the majority of men on the planet?

[ThaWholigan]

I would prefer them not to notice at all, since the ONLY time I get noticed is to be criticized by men. I have accepted being invisible... but a guy dissecting me just to criticize (which is what always happen) is very uncomfortable.

 

I don't get why guys wouldn't want an open relationship if they are thinking sexual thoughts about another woman. What exactly is the harm, or the draw back? Is the ONLY reason men are monogamous is because they don't want their woman to sleep with other men?

 

If a man has a desire to sleep with someone else, I would rather he did than pretend to be fully monogamous. The lie, to me, is worse than the desire. And if the ONLY reason he is refraining is so that I won't run out and sleep with someone else, that's an even worse reason to be monogamous. I would rather have an honest open relationship than a closed dishonest one.

You assume that because a man has a fleeting sexual thought about a woman walking past, that he entertains that thought all day. That's not how it works. I'm single and even I don't do that. If a man is in a monogamous relationship, it means that even if some hot woman walks past and he thinks sexy thoughts for a few seconds, he still is mainly sexually attracted to you, he consciously acknowledges that it would probably not be anywhere near as good as with his partner.

 

If a man wants to have sex with lots of different women, he will just be single - or look for an open relationship. And cheaters - well they are cheaters.

[verhrzn]

You assume that because a man has a fleeting sexual thought about a woman walking past, that he entertains that thought all day. That's not how it works. I'm single and even I don't do that. If a man is in a monogamous relationship, it means that even if some hot woman walks past and he thinks sexy thoughts for a few seconds, he still is mainly sexually attracted to you, he consciously acknowledges that it would probably not be anywhere near as good as with his partner.

 

If a man wants to have sex with lots of different women, he will just be single - or look for an open relationship. And cheaters - well they are cheaters.

 

That still didn't answer my question. You yourself said that male sexuality is all about appreciating women's bodies, constantly, all the time, being horny all the time, wanting to have sex with attractive women all the time.

 

So why bother with monogamy? Do men only bother with it because they couldn't get access to a relationship otherwise? Is it one of those women "controlling" and trying to change male sexuality?

 

If men are having thoughts about other sexy ladies, why shouldn't they embrace an open relationship? I am sick of guys giving lip service to how much they desire monogamy, and then drooling over every hot lady that wanders their way. How about just being honest in a relationship?

[ThaWholigan]

That still didn't answer my question. You yourself said that male sexuality is all about appreciating women's bodies, constantly, all the time, being horny all the time, wanting to have sex with attractive women all the time.

 

That's not what it's ALL about, that is just a significant figment of it.

So why bother with monogamy? Do men only bother with it because they couldn't get access to a relationship otherwise? Is it one of those women "controlling" and trying to change male sexuality?

 

Because a lot of men actually WANT to be in a relationship with one woman. *GASP* If he falls in love, no matter how many hot women make him the occasional sexy thought, he's not going to entertain it because he doesn't really want her, even if his cock does. He loves his wife, and he only truly wants to sex her. That's the point. A lot of men do not resist, that much is true. They are not indicative of all men.

 

That is a MAN controlling his own sexuality. And the woman understanding that occasionally he's going to see a woman who may be objectively attractive, but that he's not going to entertain the idea of being with her because he's committed to the woman.

 

If men are having thoughts about other sexy ladies, why shouldn't they embrace an open relationship? I am sick of guys giving lip service to how much they desire monogamy, and then drooling over every hot lady that wanders their way. How about just being honest in a relationship?

 

Joystick, for all his bluntness, said it best - women cannot handle male honesty. They get upset by it, even though they demand it. A man could admit that he has sexual thoughts about other women, but that doesn't mean he actually wants to have sex with them, or that he "drools over them when they wander his way".

 

Some guys will pay lip service, but usually they do that to have sex a couple times and then bounce.

 

Are you saying that because a man unconsciously thinks for a few seconds involuntarily about a woman he sees that is attractive and thinks fleetingly about having sex with her, that he should give up on monogamy?

[Woggle]

Everybody notices attractive people and that includes men, women plus people who are into the same sex. It is human nature. It doesn't mean that we don't respect or appreciate other aspects of that person.

 

Just because I might notice an attractive woman doesn't mean that I want to have sex with her or that I want to cheat. I have never had the desire to be with other women while with somebody I love. I might notice a woman and think damn she is hot but that is as far as it goes. Everybody does it whether male or female and whoever says they don't is lying or an exception.

 

I like casual sex when I am single and nothing else is around but why would I want to have meaningless sex when I got hot sex plus intimacy with my wife? If she suggested I sleep with other women I would feel disrespected because when a woman is truly in love with a man no way in hell does she want to see him with another woman.

[verhrzn]

Because a lot of men actually WANT to be in a relationship with one woman. *GASP* If he falls in love, no matter how many hot women make him the occasional sexy thought, he's not going to entertain it because he doesn't really want her, even if his cock does. He loves his wife, and he only truly wants to sex her. That's the point. A lot of men do not resist, that much is true. They are not indicative of all men.

 

That is a MAN controlling his own sexuality. And the woman understanding that occasionally he's going to see a woman who may be objectively attractive, but that he's not going to entertain the idea of being with her because he's committed to the woman.

 

But why commit? If you're having sexual thoughts about someone else, then how sexually satisfied can you really be? Why resist? If the wife is all right with it, then why not indulge? The thought is there, the desire is there... why bother being monogamous when it's clear that isn't what most men seem to want deep down?

 

Are you saying that because a man unconsciously thinks for a few seconds involuntarily about a woman he sees that is attractive and thinks fleetingly about having sex with her, that he should give up on monogamy?

 

Yes. He should be honest that he wants sex with more than his primary partner. If I ever have sexual thoughts about someone other than my partner, it's a sign that I am not satisfied in the relationship. I don't see why it would be different for most other humans. Again, if the guy is having sexual thoughts about another women, why SHOULD he be monogamous?

[verhrzn]

Everybody notices attractive people and that includes men, women plus people who are into the same sex. It is human nature. It doesn't mean that we don't respect or appreciate other aspects of that person.

 

Just because I might notice an attractive woman doesn't mean that I want to have sex with her or that I want to cheat. I have never had the desire to be with other women while with somebody I love. I might notice a woman and think damn she is hot but that is as far as it goes. Everybody does it whether male or female and whoever says they don't is lying or an exception.

 

I like casual sex when I am single and nothing else is around but why would I want to have meaningless sex when I got hot sex plus intimacy with my wife? If she suggested I sleep with other women I would feel disrespected because when a woman is truly in love with a man no way in hell does she want to see him with another woman.

 

Why feel disrespected when it's what you yourself want? If you're admiring/attracted to someone else, yeah, you can love your partner and everything, but obviously you want THAT too. So somehow she is disrespecting you for offering the very thing you want?? What sense does that make?

[TheBigQuestion]

As I and most other posters have established in this thread, a man's base sexual nature is not, and never has been, the only relevant force in how men form and maintain romantic relationships. Other considerations like loyalty and love for one's partner are part of the equation too. I don't quite understand why this is so hard for you to grasp, V.

[ThaWholigan]

But why commit? If you're having sexual thoughts about someone else, then how sexually satisfied can you really be? Why resist? If the wife is all right with it, then why not indulge? The thought is there, the desire is there... why bother being monogamous when it's clear that isn't what most men seem to want deep down?

 

You're not getting it. It's involuntary, he may not want it on a conscious level. Even if he was encouraged by his wife to indulge, he may not be satisfied with it, and may find that he still prefers and loves to have sex with his wife.

 

The man may want a family. Deep down, he may want to be monogamous. I know that even though I think about women, I deep down WANT to be monogamous, and I can guarantee to myself that I will always be faithful in any relationship, because that desire to commit to a woman will be stronger than any primal desire to think about sexing other women, even if they are hot. I talk about repressing male sexuality, but that is not repression, that to me is the most suitable outlet for me, in a loving relationship.

 

Yes. He should be honest that he wants sex with more than his primary partner. If I ever have sexual thoughts about someone other than my partner, it's a sign that I am not satisfied in the relationship. I don't see why it would be different for most other humans. Again, if the guy is having sexual thoughts about another women, why SHOULD he be monogamous?

 

Um.....because he WANTS to be?!?!?

 

You actually don't get it. I'm single, so I can afford to indulge, but men in a relationship (unless they are cheaters) are unlikely to do so because they love their wives. No half-baked involuntary fantasy that lasts a couple seconds would ever compare in real life to the intimate sex life that he has with his wife - any man in a loving relationship who is worth his salt will know that.

[verhrzn]

As I and most other posters have established in this thread, a man's base sexual nature is not, and never has been, the only relevant force in how men form and maintain romantic relationships. Other considerations like loyalty and love for one's partner are part of the equation too. I don't quite understand why this is so hard for you to grasp, V.

 

Because sleeping with other people isn't contradictory to loving or being loyal to your partner. If your partner is all right with someone sleeping around, how is continuing to be monogamous (when that is not what you really want) a good thing? It just means you're being dishonest... wanting it in your head and heart, but not following through for... whatever reason.

 

Furthermore, from everything I've seen and heard, men are ONLY loyal and loving to those women who are absolutely Soul Mate material. For guys who settled, who just married who they could get for the other benefits (companionship, a house and a family, etc.) they are not that interested in loyalty or love, because they don't really LOVE their wives. So, in the case of a guy settling for a girl, why shouldn't he have an open relationship?

[Quiet Storm]

I don't get why guys wouldn't want an open relationship if they are thinking sexual thoughts about another woman. What exactly is the harm, or the draw back? Is the ONLY reason men are monogamous is because they don't want their woman to sleep with other men?

 

 

 

In my case, we have built a bond together that could be weakened if there were others involved. We look at our marriage as something that needs protecting, and involving others would be like leaving the door to our house unlocked.

 

The "other woman" is a variable that can not be predicted. If we had an open marriage, our agreement with each other would not prevent an other woman from getting feelings, causing drama or complicating things. We have a household with children. We can't risk the possibility of having a hysterical other woman on our doorstep. Again, it's about protecting the marriage.

 

Even with safe sex, there is still an STD risk. Thoughts create no risk of disease.

 

I think men can have thoughts without wishing they could act on them or feeling jilted when they can't. They can recognize that acting on their urges would not be smart. Giving a man access to booze doesn't mean he's going to get trashed. Owning a car that has the potential to reach a speed of 160mph doesn't mean he's going to drive that fast. Men can weigh risks and consequences. Looking & thinking about other women is fairly risk and consequence free. A sexual relationship with someone outside your relationship has many potential risks or consequences.

[Woggle]

Why feel disrespected when it's what you yourself want? If you're admiring/attracted to someone else, yeah, you can love your partner and everything, but obviously you want THAT too. So somehow she is disrespecting you for offering the very thing you want?? What sense does that make?

 

Because I don't actually want to have sex with other women. I do notice attractive people of the opposite sex and so does every other man and woman.

[verhrzn]

You're not getting it. It's involuntary, he may not want it on a conscious level. Even if he was encouraged by his wife to indulge, he may not be satisfied with it, and may find that he still prefers and loves to have sex with his wife.

 

The man may want a family. Deep down, he may want to be monogamous. I know that even though I think about women, I deep down WANT to be monogamous, and I can guarantee to myself that I will always be faithful in any relationship, because that desire to commit to a woman will be stronger than any primal desire to think about sexing other women, even if they are hot. I talk about repressing male sexuality, but that is not repression, that to me is the most suitable outlet for me, in a loving relationship.

 

Polyamory does not have to equal "not having a family" or that he stops having sex with his wife. He can have BOTH... a committed relationship to a wife (and family) AND hot sex with other women. It is not either or.

 

Maybe the reason we have such a high divorce rate is because people assume that the only way to get benefits of a committed relationship is to be monogamous, when that isn't the case. Plenty of poly people have families and loving relationships, while still getting to sleep around.

 

Wouldn't "understanding" male sexuality means understanding that guys can want both a committed relationship AND sexual variety? Why is it a BAD thing to accept that? Especially when you guys are constantly telling me that in the male brain, it's already occurring.

 

If the guy I'm dating is indulging in sexual thoughts about someone else, why shouldn't he just go ahead and actually have sex with her? Both of these instances hurt me, but at least the latter one is honest. Far worse is guys paying lip-service to monogamy while imagining all of the hot women they see every day naked.