Trying to Understand Male Sexuality

[verhrzn]

Okay so there have been a lot of threads and discussion of male sexuality, and the more I hear from male posters, the more confused I get about what the heck men actually want, and what I'm supposed to do about it.

 

First there's the assertion that objectifying women is just part of male sexuality, and that women should just accept that. I feel very self-conscious about my body enough as it is; men have not been kind, verbally, about my looks. The idea that the men around me are constantly dissecting and judging me on something I really can't control (the shape of my nose, how droopy my boobs are, the flatness of my stomach, etc) upsets me. I can walk in the world right now because I assume most people aren't paying any attention to me. If judging is just part of men, and what men do, it makes me never want to be around men ever again. How can you feel comfortable around people who are constantly taking you apart in their brains? Who are judging you based on your looks, even outside of a romantic setting?

 

Then there is the apparently accepted truth that all men think about attractive women sexually, even if they have a partner. If an attractive woman wanders past, the male brain just cannot help thinking about her naked and in sexual positions, though that "doesn't mean he'd cheat on his wife."

 

First of all, I just don't GET this because when I am in a relationship, the men around me literally become sexless. Why would I imagine sex with someone else-my partner is enough for me.

 

What really confuses me, though, is that a few weeks ago, I posted a thread about offering the guy I was seeing an open relationship. This was my attempt to understand and accommodate his sexuality.... he could have his emotional connection with me, and then have sex with these attractive women like he was envisioning.

 

I got completely ripped apart-frequently, by men! According to male posters, I didn't respect him, I didn't love him, he should dump me immediately, etc.

 

But... if wanting to have sex with attractive women is absolutely part of male sexuality, then why is offering an open relationship a horrible thing? If men are constantly imagining other women with their clothes off, then how is it awful to give them permission to make that a reality?

 

Why is it okay for men to fantasize about sleeping with other women, but I suddenly don't "respect my man" if I let him do it??

 

It all seems extremely contradictory and confusing. Can someone please help clear up these discrepancies?

[MrCastle]

It all seems extremely contradictory and confusing. Can someone please help clear up these discrepancies?

 

Sure.

 

The idea that the men around me are constantly dissecting and judging me on something I really can't control (the shape of my nose, how droopy my boobs are, the flatness of my stomach, etc) upsets me. I can walk in the world right now because I assume most people aren't paying any attention to me. If judging is just part of men, and what men do, it makes me never want to be around men ever again. How can you feel comfortable around people who are constantly taking you apart in their brains? Who are judging you based on your looks, even outside of a romantic setting?[/Quote]

 

Do you mean like how women have preferences based on height, race, or other physical factors beyond the control of men?

 

Then there is the apparently accepted truth that all men think about attractive women sexually, even if they have a partner. If an attractive woman wanders past, the male brain just cannot help thinking about her naked and in sexual positions, though that "doesn't mean he'd cheat on his wife."

 

First of all, I just don't GET this because when I am in a relationship, the men around me literally become sexless. Why would I imagine sex with someone else-my partner is enough for me.

 

What really confuses me, though, is that a few weeks ago, I posted a thread about offering the guy I was seeing an open relationship. This was my attempt to understand and accommodate his sexuality.... he could have his emotional connection with me, and then have sex with these attractive women like he was envisioning.

 

I got completely ripped apart-frequently, by men! According to male posters, I didn't respect him, I didn't love him, he should dump me immediately, etc.

 

But... if wanting to have sex with attractive women is absolutely part of male sexuality, then why is offering an open relationship a horrible thing? If men are constantly imagining other women with their clothes off, then how is it awful to give them permission to make that a reality?

 

Why is it okay for men to fantasize about sleeping with other women, but I suddenly don't "respect my man" if I let him do it??[/Quote]

 

Wait, so women don't fantasize about other men when they're in relationships?

 

As far as I can tell, the two biggest parts of your post (getting judged on physical traits, your SO fantasizing about other people) are things that apply to both genders. This is not "male sexuality", it's "human sexuality"

[TheBigQuestion]

Okay so there have been a lot of threads and discussion of male sexuality, and the more I hear from male posters, the more confused I get about what the heck men actually want, and what I'm supposed to do about it.

 

First there's the assertion that objectifying women is just part of male sexuality, and that women should just accept that. I feel very self-conscious about my body enough as it is; men have not been kind, verbally, about my looks. The idea that the men around me are constantly dissecting and judging me on something I really can't control (the shape of my nose, how droopy my boobs are, the flatness of my stomach, etc) upsets me. I can walk in the world right now because I assume most people aren't paying any attention to me. If judging is just part of men, and what men do, it makes me never want to be around men ever again. How can you feel comfortable around people who are constantly taking you apart in their brains? Who are judging you based on your looks, even outside of a romantic setting?

 

Then there is the apparently accepted truth that all men think about attractive women sexually, even if they have a partner. If an attractive woman wanders past, the male brain just cannot help thinking about her naked and in sexual positions, though that "doesn't mean he'd cheat on his wife."

 

First of all, I just don't GET this because when I am in a relationship, the men around me literally become sexless. Why would I imagine sex with someone else-my partner is enough for me.

 

What really confuses me, though, is that a few weeks ago, I posted a thread about offering the guy I was seeing an open relationship. This was my attempt to understand and accommodate his sexuality.... he could have his emotional connection with me, and then have sex with these attractive women like he was envisioning.

 

I got completely ripped apart-frequently, by men! According to male posters, I didn't respect him, I didn't love him, he should dump me immediately, etc.

 

But... if wanting to have sex with attractive women is absolutely part of male sexuality, then why is offering an open relationship a horrible thing? If men are constantly imagining other women with their clothes off, then how is it awful to give them permission to make that a reality?

 

Why is it okay for men to fantasize about sleeping with other women, but I suddenly don't "respect my man" if I let him do it??

 

It all seems extremely contradictory and confusing. Can someone please help clear up these discrepancies?

 

I'll try to do as your thread title asks, and I'll answer candidly. I'm sure what I say will be used against me somewhere down the line, but whatever.

 

1. Is the objectification of women (i.e. the admiration/dissecting of female's bodies) a vital part of male sexuality? Yes, yes it is. And yes, you should accept that, just as I have to accept that a good amount of women will objectify men for all sorts of traits that are either impossible or extraordinarily difficult to change, including but not limited to physical ones. As Senor Castle said above, this is not "male sexuality," this is "human sexuality." You aren't comfortable with it? Get comfortable fast, lest you want to spend the rest of your life in a cave. The truth is, people are judging you 24/7 for all sorts of reasons, not just how sexy you are or are not. As a law student, I am frequently subjected to being around all sorts of judgmental pricks/bitches who possess the depth of your average street puddle. I get by in life now because I developed a thick skin and started to focus entirely on getting my own s*** together. Try it out.

 

2. Do all men think about attractive women sexually, even if they are in a relationship? I'd wager that most do, although I don't think for one second that a lot of men have elaborate sexual fantasies about women outside their relationship. Plenty of women will freely fantasize about other men while they're in a relationship, although experience has taught me that women are more split down the middle in this regard. Generally speaking though, this topic is STILL "human sexuality" rather than "male sexuality."

You won't get very many LS women to admit to this, but that's because whenever there is a thread here that compares men and women in some way, the women always end up being 100% loyal, faithful saints who don't start foaming at the mouth when they watch movies like Magic Mike. Female cheaters exist for a reason, so obviously not every woman in a relationship sees other men as neutered in the same manner you do.

 

I think the reason people ripped you apart for your desire to have an open relationship was because it wasn't something that would actually make you happy. You also did it as an attempt to infidelity-proof your relationship. You couldn't seem to get it through your head that open relationships are usually VERY messy, even for exceptionally secure and confident people. You also didn't understand that an open relationship would most likely increase rather than decrease the probability of infidelity on your boyfriend's part.

 

Finally, I think the reason why people said your proposal would be insulting to your boyfriend is because, although what I've described above IS the base sexual nature of a majority of men, it is not all-encompassing. In addition to being horny, men also have other drives and considerations in their lives. Things like integrity, loyalty, honor, genuine love for their partner, and so forth. I admit to being a horny bastard. When I'm on campus, I see no fewer than 20 girls a day that make my jaw drop (not always literally, but you get the idea). I admire what I see. Still, if my girlfriend told me to have an open relationship in which she was not afforded the same freedoms as I was, it would imply that she doesn't think I'm anything more than my basest carnal desires. That WOULD be insulting to me.

[insertnamehere]

If judging is just part of men, and what men do, it makes me never want to be around men ever again.

 

Judging is just part of being human. It's hardly gender-specific.

[Lonely Ronin]

First there's the assertion that objectifying women is just part of male sexuality, and that women should just accept that. I feel very self-conscious about my body enough as it is; men have not been kind, verbally, about my looks.

Two points for you consider. Both men and women objectify the opposite sex. He/she has pretty eyes or a nice smiles is objectifying someone. Please stop assuming that the few speak for the many. I don't blame all women for the bad interactions I have had with a few, nor should you blame all men for the bad interactions you have had with a few.

 

The idea that the men around me are constantly dissecting and judging me on something I really can't control (the shape of my nose, how droopy my boobs are, the flatness of my stomach, etc) upsets me. I can walk in the world right now because I assume most people aren't paying any attention to me. If judging is just part of men, and what men do, it makes me never want to be around men ever again. How can you feel comfortable around people who are constantly taking you apart in their brains? Who are judging you based on your looks, even outside of a romantic setting?

Again this happens to both sexes, and not just in regards to physical traits. It's a fact of like the humans create a pecking order. The primary way of doing this is via comparing others and ones self to others. Most people do this in a non aggressive way. Some however, usually those unhappy with their place in the order are usually more aggressive and derogatory towards others about it.

 

Then there is the apparently accepted truth that all men think about attractive women sexually, even if they have a partner. If an attractive woman wanders past, the male brain just cannot help thinking about her naked and in sexual positions, though that "doesn't mean he'd cheat on his wife."

Sources? Other than a she's pretty or some other mindless observation about her appearance, I can't personally remember any detailed daydreams like you describe.

 

First of all, I just don't GET this because when I am in a relationship, the men around me literally become sexless. Why would I imagine sex with someone else-my partner is enough for me.

 

Personally I would tell you I think this is abnormal. IMO most people recognize an attractive member of the opposite sex.

 

I got completely ripped apart-frequently, by men! According to male posters, I didn't respect him, I didn't love him, he should dump me immediately, etc.

 

 

But... if wanting to have sex with attractive women is absolutely part of male sexuality, then why is offering an open relationship a horrible thing? If men are constantly imagining other women with their clothes off, then how is it awful to give them permission to make that a reality?

 

I think you are mistaking acknowledgement of someones sex appeal, as intent/want to interact with said individual. Basically because you indirectly accused him of being a mindless ape who can't control himself.

[ThaWholigan]

I don't know if I "judge" or "dissect", but I definitely take in all of a woman's body when I'm going past. I can usually do so in under 1 second so I never get caught . Sometimes I do, especially when they are already looking right at me.

 

Either way, I am a horny guy, all the time. I take my mind off of it by actually doing sh*t, but I generally think about it. I'm the guy that would actually think about different positions and all sorts. The difference is, I've always been single. In a relationship, I don't know if my thought process would change, but I imagine it probably would. I don't think it's wrong, and I'm not vulgar about it anyway.

 

With men, they may not indulge in the fantasy of another woman, sometimes the thought just pops up in your head automatically. With your BF, that you would let him have an open relationship suggested you didn't trust him to be exclusive to you, and that you wouldn't really be happy with the open relationship. It had more to do with you than him. He might think about it briefly, but he is with you at the end of the day and that would be his choice.

[phineas]

The real question is. Do they even fantasize at all? You have to remember that women are not as highly sexual as us men. To think otherwise is delusional wishful thinking.

 

Then why has "50 shades of :sick:" sold millions of copies?

[oaks]

Can someone please help clear up these discrepancies?

 

We are horny but can still show restraint. Or, to turn it around, we can still be monogamous even though we want to hump anything with boobies.

 

Well, maybe not absolutely anything with boobies, but that's a good enough approximation to help you understand the idea.

[yongyong]

For open relationship, YES he would love to bang any girls he can like street dogs while you wait home on a leash.

 

When you mentioned it, he probably thought you would do the same thing.

 

you should've told him, 'I will be loyal to you and you can bang other women'

 

No guys will reject this kind of deal.

[Emilia]

No guys will reject this kind of deal.

 

I think guys will ask you eventually to stop speaking for them all

[yongyong]

I think guys will ask you eventually to stop speaking for them all

 

you just want to believe 'my bf is different'?

If you are so right, how come you are not with your first bf who took your virginity (yes I am guessing you had several relationships and are not a virgin)

 

When guys in a relationship think about sex, do they just think about doing it with their current partner? not with someone they saw on movie, advertising, girls on street, waitress, coworker?

 

She said 'please go ahead' so it won't affect their relationship status and his personal guilt about cheating.

 

He might say 'no I love you' to her face. But the when opportunity comes along, will he let it go?

 

How about trying it on your guy to see what happens???

(you think he is different and he won't do it anyways, so why not??)

[Els]

Briefly,

1. I don't think the majority of reasonably mature men constantly "tear apart" a woman s appearance in their heads the way you describe. Noticing a nice butt, for instance, is completely different from thinking, "that girl has an okay face but her stomach isn't flat, jeez, she should get off the streets and spare us all the sight of her." Somehow you seem to think that the latter is what all men do. Why?

 

2. I also don't think the majority of decent men envision having sex with every woman they see while in a relationship. Noticing someone attractive is really not the same as having detailed sexual fantasies about them.

 

3. I think most of us advised against the open relationship because we know that it will mess with your self esteem even further, and trust me, you really don't have an excess of that.

[oaks]

3. I think most of us advised against the open relationship because we know that it will mess with your self esteem even further, and trust me, you really don't have an excess of that.

 

Yes, this. It was specifically mentioned at the time.

[verhrzn]

I won't argue that some women objectify members of the opposite sex, but it seems to be a lot less common to label objectifying "part" of female sexuality. Some women do it, some women don't. You, as a woman, MAY objectify men, but may not, depending on your own individual tastes.

 

On the other hand, I am constantly hearing that objectifying is just PART of being a man. That if you're a man, you objectify women's bodies. No individuality or deviance, it's just what male sexuality IS, and that if a guy claims he doesn't do it, he's a big liar. So I get the impression, from males themselves, that objectifying is just part of who they are.... which means that I can never find a guy who doesn't objectify other women, which is a depressing thought.

 

As to the open relationship screwing with my self-esteem, it's just as painful to think that a guy is telling me to my face that I'm who he is into, and yet he's got wandering eyes and is envisioning what that girl over there looks like naked. I would much rather a guy just be honest, and just follow those thoughts to their logical conclusion, than be dishonest.

 

In other words, if a guy is thinking sexual thoughts about another girl, I would rather he just be honest about it, and get on with it, than lying to me.

 

Furthermore, the way I hear guys (on this message board, in real life) talk, monogamy sounds rather impossible. Guys are constantly objectifying, male sexuality is all about "spreading your seed".... it sounds like the only times a guy WON'T cheat on a girl is when she's the absolute Soul Mate. Since I will never BE that, I figure I might as well not even try for monogamy, since it is apparently so against a guy's sexual nature.

[oaks]

Can someone please help clear up these discrepancies?

 

It also occurs to me to suggest that life (and dating/relationships) don't always make sense, and don't have to. Not sure if that helps, though.

[Lonely Ronin]

As to the open relationship screwing with my self-esteem, it's just as painful to think that a guy is telling me to my face that I'm who he is into, and yet he's got wandering eyes and is envisioning what that girl over there looks like naked. I would much rather a guy just be honest, and just follow those thoughts to their logical conclusion, than be dishonest.

 

In other words, if a guy is thinking sexual thoughts about another girl, I would rather he just be honest about it, and get on with it, than lying to me.

 

Furthermore, the way I hear guys (on this message board, in real life) talk, monogamy sounds rather impossible. Guys are constantly objectifying, male sexuality is all about "spreading your seed".... it sounds like the only times a guy WON'T cheat on a girl is when she's the absolute Soul Mate. Since I will never BE that, I figure I might as well not even try for monogamy, since it is apparently so against a guy's sexual nature.

 

V,

 

Please go see a psychiatrist, not a counselor, a full on MD psychiatrist. I'm not trained, but when I read stuff like this from you the first thing that comes to mind is clinical depression, specifically related to relationships.

[SteveC80]

Female sexaulity is just as powerful its just been surpressed for years and is now slowly coming out

 

Once again not to brag i dont want to make this about me just use myself as an example when i was at my physical peak the things strange women would try to do to me was creepy and borderline stalkish its just that when women do it since they are the weaker sex it doesnt seem as bad or creepy as when a man does it

 

Ive had numerous married friends wives hit on me and overly flirt,ive learned women are just as horny and think about having sex with different attractive men even when theyre in relationships just as much as men,dont pin this just on men

[verhrzn]

V,

 

Please go see a psychiatrist, not a counselor, a full on MD psychiatrist. I'm not trained, but when I read stuff like this from you the first thing that comes to mind is clinical depression, specifically related to relationships.

 

Well I am already on anti-depressants, and as I've said before, I can't afford a therapist. And why exactly does it read depression to you? How about just "I really hate the idea of the guy I'm dating wanting to have sex with other women and lying about it"?

[Emilia]

And why exactly does it read depression to you?

 

Because you twist everything in a negative way and you give negative aspects of dating and relationships a much greater emphasis than positive aspects.

[verhrzn]

Because you twist everything in a negative way and you give negative aspects of dating and relationships a much greater emphasis than positive aspects.

 

Maybe because that's my experience. That has nothing to do with depression... some people just have bad dating experiences and lives.

 

What exactly is positive about guys oggling hot girls, or guys wanting to have sex with someone other than their primary partner?

[verhrzn]

So many assumptions in the OP that I will be sitting back and watching this one.

 

BUT!!! I will say and as far a biases go, Males have them applied just as much as Women do. We are held to different standards in all regards. Some benefit us and are ridiculous double standards. Others are ignored and unbecoming of societal ideals of what a Man "Is" and "should be". Lastly, Men are also judged just as much as women. Personally, and in the media.

 

Ugly/unsuccessful guys have PUA. I have yet to come across a PUA manual for ugly/unsuccessful girls. The advice for ugly girls is always the same: "Well, get prettier!" So how about we keep the "poor men" complaining to a minimum, kay?

[Lonely Ronin]

Well I am already on anti-depressants, and as I've said before, I can't afford a therapist.

 

This should be the number one priority in your life. Imo if you need to sacrifice other things so you can afford a psychiatrist then you should. Your work insurance doesn't cover stuff like this?

 

And why exactly does it read depression to you? How about just "I really hate the idea of the guy I'm dating wanting to have sex with other women and lying about it"?

 

Not liking something is normal, letting the dislike drag you down to the point that you can be happy with other aspects of your life is not normal. The second thing is something that can only be fixed through treatment and medication.

 

What exactly is positive about guys oggling hot girls, or guys wanting to have sex with someone other than their primary partner?

 

Again, you are projecting the viewpoint of the few onto the many.

[PJKino]

Not every man is the same nor is every women,yes a lot of men have strong sex drives but not all men are hoping to sleep with other women evne in a fulfilling relationship..

 

The first part you mentioned i think theyres a distinction between being horny/male sexuality and men experessing it outwardly and crudely..

 

I may have thoughts when i see attractive women i cant help that but i never express it in a negative way i usually keep it to myself..

 

Men who shout things to other women that has nothing to do with male sexuality that has to do with class and social tact/grace which some people dont have..you can have a strong sex drive and not be a jerkoff..

 

Bottom line is theyres always gonna be rude people/*******s in this world you just have to ignore them

[verhrzn]

This should be the number one priority in your life. Imo if you need to sacrifice other things so you can afford a psychiatrist then you should. Your work insurance doesn't cover stuff like this?

 

Not even close. They've actually raised our deducibles, so I would need to pay for the first $2500 because it would even go to co-pay (70/30 split.) There is just no way to cut out enough from my budget to afford that, unless I stopped needing to eat. That's the current state of the mental health community.

 

Not liking something is normal, letting the dislike drag you down to the point that you can be happy with other aspects of your life is not normal. The second thing is something that can only be fixed through treatment and medication.

 

Again, you are projecting the viewpoint of the few onto the many.

 

I am "happy" with other portions of my life. Notice that I rarely complain about my job, or even my social circles. This stuff makes me unhappy specifically in terms relating to dating.

 

The few. Really. That's why the last two threads had nothing but male posters insisting THIS was male sexuality, and that women would just to have to "accept and deal with it." I glanced back through the threads, and there was not a single dissenting male voice that said," Well I don't objectify women in my head. I never have thoughts about a sexy woman when I'm dating someone." How is it the few when all guys seem to say the same thing?

[verhrzn]

Dude.. lol.

 

I'm better looking, probably more endowed, AND make more money than you. I've never had trouble getting anything I wanted, cause I know all I have to do is get off my a$$ and get it, whatever it is.

 

I have.... no idea what you are trying to claim. So, you've had no problem getting what you want, because you have better qualities than me? Um, well, no kidding. What exactly is your point?