renee_grace Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Hi there, my boyfriend and I have been together almost a year, it's been terrific and we have a great relationship. I'm not a naive girl in general, but I've had one other very long-term relationship before him that started in high school, and the only ex I had to deal with was his first gf (which was about a month brief, quick high school relationship) Anyway, my point is I don't have any experience with a long-term ex other than my current boyfriend's ex. They were long distance for about 3 years and were polar opposites, where as he and I are similar in our interests and hobbies. They had a fairly mutual breakup, although she initiated it, but he agreed they were going in two different directions. Then, about a month later she realized she made a mistake and wanted to get back together. But he had already started moving on (not in a dating sense, just from the relationship in general) in life and said he did not want to get back together. Fast forward about a year later where he meets me. Apparently, she went into a depression after their breakup and was constantly contacting him to help her through it (not sure if I believe she really was clinically depressed). The tail end of this was when we met, and a few days after we met/started dating (my bf and I hit it off instantly) he called her in front of me and explained very nicely that he had met someone else and he just wanted to let her know before she saw it on facebook or heard it from a friend. She cried and was very upset. My bf felt bad as she kept insisting she was going through this "depression" and he wanted to be kind to her, so he would tell her he missed her, etc. Which made me absolutely furious. I told him he was leading her on and if she really was depressed this was probably giving her the wrong idea about the two of them and their future. Then, a few weeks later when we finally changed it on facebook (which we don't use much) she called him about an hour after it was changed and was livid. She could not believe he had done that, and my idea was, was that him saying he missed her and checking up on her gave her the wrong impression that he might be not so serious about me and missing her a lot. I tried telling him their communication made me uncomfortable, but he insisted she was a good friend and he wanted to make sure she was doing okay, and that was it. He said that I needed to be okay with it because she is a nice person and he has no reason to cut her out of his life. After that incident though, he did feel she acted immaturely and their contact instantly dwindled. Unfortunately his father was very sick, and he let her know this, so she started checking in on him again and again which annoyed me. Fast forward to now, when his father has passed and she is still texting him asking him to call her and catch up, ending texts with her saying "love you". Another thing to add, my boyfriend and I are NOT long distance as they were their entire relationship. She knew him and I were together for his father's ordeal, and I thought it was very disrespectful to talk to him the way she did. He invited her to the funeral, but she couldn't make it on short notice. I do not understand why she is so insistent on keep in contact with him. She sounds like a fun girl who I'm sure has plenty of her own friends and family to talk to. My ex and I are on great terms and check in when there is really some news to share, which is rare. I'm certainly not texting him when I know he has a new gf and telling him I love him. So, thanks to all who took the time to read this. I'm looking to talk to people that have had experience with this, and wondering how I can make it clear to my bf that I don't insist they stop all communication, but want her to understand they are not going to be best buddies. Their relationship as a couple is over. One more thing, my boyfriend shows me her texts and is vocal about telling me they talk, so he is not trying to hide anything. Also, it is always her initiating the talking. Please and thank you to any advice!
InJest Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 (edited) Tell him you're not comfortable with her interfering with your relationship and him not doing anything about it, and you want to break up. If he says anything other than, I'll tell her to stop contacting me. Tell him it would have been okay to speak to her occasionally if they had kept it appropriate, but it's clear she still wants him and he has done nothing to deter her. Say you feel like a boundary is being crossed by their inappropriate contact and you feel disrespected, and you want out. See what he says, and be prepared to drop him cold right then. Edited October 1, 2012 by InJest 1
Author renee_grace Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 A little harsh, and something I would never think of doing, but I appreciate your input. It's not him initiating the contact, it's always her. If he does answer her it's very short, and just says something to be nice. I know if my ex texted me I wouldn't ignore him, I have no reason to, we ended things on good terms, and it's the same way with my boyfriend and his ex. So I guess I just solved my own problem and maybe needed to put myself in his shoes. I know it's obvious she still likes him, but there is nothing he or I can do about that.
InJest Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 (edited) He can help her move on, by ceasing contact. If you're cool with it, then cool. If you want the behavior to end, then take my advice. You sound young, but it is good that you're able to put yourself in his shoes. The whole thing sounds innocent enough to me, but at the same time, he is definitely entertaining her whether he is trying to or not. Edited October 1, 2012 by InJest
River Rain Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Personally I wouldn't be comfortable in that situation. Maybe I'm hard-headed, but I see no reason to be best buds with an ex unless there are kids involved. I understand that there is history and probably still feelings of caring, but it kind of sounds like she's clinging on to him a little too hard, playing on his empathy a little? I think it's great that he shows you the texts, I mean, that's trust. But I don't think it's unreasonable for you to tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable and that he needs to control the situation and move away from her. She seems still quite dependent on him. I manage depression and it would be easy for me to cling to certain people who showed me kindness...it's kind of selfish in a way, because no matter their situation, I know they will comfort me. But I can see that for what it is, so I won't do it because it's not fair to that person. I hope I'm making sense here!
Eddie Edirol Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 She cant let go because he is still engaging her, which any contact is leading her on. She is strung out, and opnly cutting her off will cure her. He HAS to cut her off completely so she can move on, otherwise she will never stop. if he doesnt want to understand that, then you have to bail on this relationship. Otherwise you are letting him have it both ways, while he stays comfortable and you dont.
Author renee_grace Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 Thanks everyone, none of my friends have been in similar situations so it's nice to hear from some people who have or have experience with other people who have. I don't necessarily want to give my boyfriend an ultimatum. I DO know that the best thing to do is for him to stop talking to her altogether, even though his responses now are minimal to her. He is an extremely giving, generous and kind guy, and I know he still cares for her (as I care for my ex) and as long as she continues to play the depression card (again, could be for real, but I think it's exaggerated) he will feel bad and respond to her. Outside that going on in her life, they have absolutely nothing to talk about, and I know she can't play the depression/sad card forever and eventually their contact will dwindle, I'm just waiting for that time to come, and I'm a patient person overall. If it sounds like I am threatened by her, I am not in any way, shape or form, I know my boyfriend loves me and is not interested in her, but I want to let HER know she needs to find another shoulder to lean on and not him. So I guess I'm dealing with this the best I can, and was just looking for people who have dealt with this too.
rrc6680 Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Hi Renee, I've had some experience in this domain (unfortunately from the opposite side that your bf is dealing with). I fell in love with a girl that I had known for a while, we dated on and off for a year but eventually I had to end it with her. She was very emotionally damaged and needy and it wasn't healthy for me to be with her anymore. I still had very strong feelings for her, but I knew we could never be together again, she only made me angry and upset when I was with her romantically. Long story short, after I broke up with her I was very confused. I went into a deep clinical depression, in which I saw a counselor for a while. She moved on far more quickly than I did, seeing a few different men (at the same time) within weeks after we broke up. I began to feel very unlovable, unworthy, and disgusted with myself. I got very jealous and began trying to win her back again, only making things worse because she had moved on. Each time she was with somebody new my mind was riddled with questions and insecurities. I wanted every detail, I was angry, I was jealous, and I was upset. The only thing this did was make my depression worse and make me more unattractive to everybody around me. Skip ahead about a year and a half. Eventually I learned to focus on my core value and now we are best friends that are completely over each other. I actually don't know if it was worth it to go through all that pain, but I can tell you one thing: She is probably aware that in order to heal she needs to cut him out of her life. However, she may be dependent on him for attention and validation now, making it nearly impossible for her to cut him off. The best thing he can do for her is to encourage her to work on her core value (the e-book "Core Value: The Science of the Soul" is great) or to cut her out of his life completely. If he does the latter I can assure you that, in the short run, things may get more stressful because she will probably get very angry and even more depressed. However, in the long run it will help her to heal and move on more quickly. I wouldn't be jealous or angry with your bf. It seems that he is just trying to help somebody that is in trouble. I also wouldn't doubt that she is depressed. She seems very needy and dependent for validation and attention. If she keeps saying things like "love you" or starts making sexual and romantic advances, I would have a serious talk with your bf about continued contact. Keep in mind that you should not and can not control his behavior. If he stays in touch with her you need to evaluate whether or not you can trust him and whether or not you can ever be OK with it. Regards, rrc6680 p.s. the fact that he is showing you the texts and being open with you shows a tremendous amount of commitment to you. When I was trying to get back with my ex she never told any of her bf's about me (two were somewhat serious). I would give him the benefit of the doubt until you have reason to distrust him.
Author renee_grace Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 Hi Renee, I've had some experience in this domain (unfortunately from the opposite side that your bf is dealing with). I fell in love with a girl that I had known for a while, we dated on and off for a year but eventually I had to end it with her. She was very emotionally damaged and needy and it wasn't healthy for me to be with her anymore. I still had very strong feelings for her, but I knew we could never be together again, she only made me angry and upset when I was with her romantically. Long story short, after I broke up with her I was very confused. I went into a deep clinical depression, in which I saw a counselor for a while. She moved on far more quickly than I did, seeing a few different men (at the same time) within weeks after we broke up. I began to feel very unlovable, unworthy, and disgusted with myself. I got very jealous and began trying to win her back again, only making things worse because she had moved on. Each time she was with somebody new my mind was riddled with questions and insecurities. I wanted every detail, I was angry, I was jealous, and I was upset. The only thing this did was make my depression worse and make me more unattractive to everybody around me. Skip ahead about a year and a half. Eventually I learned to focus on my core value and now we are best friends that are completely over each other. I actually don't know if it was worth it to go through all that pain, but I can tell you one thing: She is probably aware that in order to heal she needs to cut him out of her life. However, she may be dependent on him for attention and validation now, making it nearly impossible for her to cut him off. The best thing he can do for her is to encourage her to work on her core value (the e-book "Core Value: The Science of the Soul" is great) or to cut her out of his life completely. If he does the latter I can assure you that, in the short run, things may get more stressful because she will probably get very angry and even more depressed. However, in the long run it will help her to heal and move on more quickly. I wouldn't be jealous or angry with your bf. It seems that he is just trying to help somebody that is in trouble. I also wouldn't doubt that she is depressed. She seems very needy and dependent for validation and attention. If she keeps saying things like "love you" or starts making sexual and romantic advances, I would have a serious talk with your bf about continued contact. Keep in mind that you should not and can not control his behavior. If he stays in touch with her you need to evaluate whether or not you can trust him and whether or not you can ever be OK with it. Regards, rrc6680 p.s. the fact that he is showing you the texts and being open with you shows a tremendous amount of commitment to you. When I was trying to get back with my ex she never told any of her bf's about me (two were somewhat serious). I would give him the benefit of the doubt until you have reason to distrust him. Thanks, your input helped a lot! I definitely don't have any reason not to trust him, I have never, ever, caught him in a lie, and we always know what each other is doing (not by obsessive tendencies, because we have a very honest and open relationship). He knows his ex's tendencies are immature and needy, but she never did anything in their relationship to wrong/hurt him, so in his eyes he has no reason to be rude and ignore her and pretend as if he doesn't care. She does NOT make any sexual or romantic advances luckily, she is just very desperate for his valiadtion on a lot of things in her life and still clings to him desperately for input. Now hearing from a view from the her side helps me put things into perspective and not just see her as the ememy. I'm sure she knows in her heart they will never get back together, and that might by why she is fighting so hard to keep any kind of contact with him, because at this point she might think some is better than none. Thank you again:)
darkmoon Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 (edited) "she called him about an hour after it was changed and was livid" so this depressed girl got livid? then she isn't truly depressed, pissed maybe look how she snaps out of being depressed, snaps out to get livid, to tell the guy off real depression is vey debilitating, i know, i've been there and met others who are depressed too Edited October 3, 2012 by darkmoon
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