marcinko Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 I have read a lot on this forum. I am the MM and i do want out of my marriage for various reasons but i have met my OW who i love but it is now Dday by her demand and i just have no idea how to leave my wife without causing pain. Help
underwater2010 Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Tell her you have not loved her in a long time and have had an affair. Good luck with the new woman and may trust issues not arise in your new relationship.
MissBee Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Too many people want the impossible. To get everything they want with no work, pain or discomfort. Wouldn't that be nice? Maybe in the next life...but in in this one, everything comes at a price and lots of stuff hurts or isn't easy or is uncomfortable for a while, but work out in the end. You can't leave your wife without any pain...so don't let that stop you. 7
woinlove Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 I agree with others, your W will hurt, but don't let that stop you. Don't be afraid. Just tell her the truth, file for divorce, and your W will heal in her own way. 3
Furious Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 I have read a lot on this forum. I am the MM and i do want out of my marriage for various reasons but i have met my OW who i love but it is now Dday by her demand and i just have no idea how to leave my wife without causing pain. Help It seems you've been given an ultimatum by your OW to choose her or your wife. As you say, your OW has demanded a Dday, and I get the impression that the potential of causing your wife pain just might be a stall tactic. It's one thing to talk about divorce, but to actually go through with it, wil never be easy. Divorce is not pretty and painful, but a better choice than remaining in limbo and living a double life. 4
veryhappy Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 You need to accept that there will be pain. There is no way around it. Do not stay in your marriage if you want out, only because you are too coward to assume causing pain. Stay only if you want to stay. Don't drag things out. Don't lie to either woman or give them false hopes. Make up your mind, and follow through. Careful what you do here, you might lose the one you really want, or you might lose both if you flip flop too many times. 5
whichwayisup Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 I have read a lot on this forum. I am the MM and i do want out of my marriage for various reasons but i have met my OW who i love but it is now Dday by her demand and i just have no idea how to leave my wife without causing pain. Help So basically your OW, whom you love now, has forced (or going to force) a Dday on your wife? Leaving your wife WILL cause pain. Reguardless. There's no way she isn't going to be hurt. Do it fast. Just tell her you are sorry but you can't be married to her anymore. Respect her and please don't throw your OW in her face, pour salt into her wounds. 3
KathyM Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Tell your wife you haven't been happy in the marriage and you are planning to separate. Then apologize for not being the man she needed you to be, pack your bags, and move to a hotel until you can find a more permanent place to stay. Of course she'll be hurt, but it will be more humane than stringing her along for longer, wasting her precious years of her life in a marriage where only she is invested in it. And after you bite the bullet and give her her life back, you should consider whether it makes sense to put your trust and invest your life in someone who would engage in an affair with a married man. But I guess you went down that road as well, so maybe you're a match and will have to try to overcome the drawbacks that come with starting a real relationship that came out of deception and unfaithfulness. Don't take that aspect lightly. I've seen in real life how a relationship started under such circumstances went on to sour because of trust issues. 1
UpwardForward Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Whether or not you were happy in the M before the OW, tell your wife and let her know - and also that there is someone else. IMO, the best you can do for her is to be completely honest .. and to have an amicable divorce settlement. If there are children involved, try to not disrupt them w all that the D entails.
2sunny Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Honesty helps... Even if it's painful - at least your W needs to know what your truth is - what is real. Tell her so she understands she doesn't need to have false hope of a reconciliation. 2
ComingInHot Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 You've already hurt your wife. She just doesn't know it yet. Dude, just tell her you're done and you're sorry for being a jerk about the way you're doing it and go. It would have made my life SO much easier if this would have happened. But no such luck w/that. So be a man about it and tell her straight out.
Summer Breeze Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 My advice is to be honest with your W. That's for her sake and for the OWs as well. Your W deserves to know the full truth of her M, good and bad. Your OW owes your commitment to make your R with her something you're open with and proud of. You're going to hurt your W no matter how you do it. We all know any break up is tough and we all delay and manuever around them as much as possible but you really need to just do it and accept it's going to hurt her no matter what you do. 3
Author marcinko Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 OK everyone, thank you for the advice as I have actually no-one I can speak to about all this.
woinlove Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 OK everyone, thank you for the advice as I have actually no-one I can speak to about all this. An additional benefit of being honest, is then you can discuss it with whoever you want, with no fear of the truth being revealed. Professional counseling can also give you someone to talk to and can help you if you are not happy with how you are currently living.
HisSweety Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 If you truly love the other woman , then go and be happy !!! Sometimes we miss out on the love we should have had in our lives because of fear of the unknown . I don't know if you have children . And how that will effect your decision but , I know for me my children are my everything but they also have their own lives and I need mine . Best of luck to you and let us know what you decided : ) 2
2sunny Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 OK everyone, thank you for the advice as I have actually no-one I can speak to about all this. Yes - you do = your wife! The ONE you SHOULD be speaking to about this. 3
BetrayedH Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Tell her its' over, and decide before you do whether or not you are going to tell her about your OW. Frankly, I don't see the value in it, but others will disagree. If you are looking to have your OW in your life, I've seen story after story after story where a person who was amicable about separating/divorcing suddenly became ridiculous about everything as soon as there was another person in the picture. People that were happy with a reasonable division of equity, etc, flip a switch and suddenly are out for blood. The BS's aren't going to mention that part to you, so I will. Decide how you want to end it. You did already hurt her by cheating, and leaving isn't going to be easy... but I don't always see where it's beneficial to tell. I think he was asking about how to spare his wife pain, no about how to protect himself from his actions in a divorce. Lying would just protect him. Honesty is what is best for her.
eleanorrigby Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 (edited) Tell her its' over, and decide before you do whether or not you are going to tell her about your OW. Frankly, I don't see the value in it, but others will disagree. If you are looking to have your OW in your life, I've seen story after story after story where a person who was amicable about separating/divorcing suddenly became ridiculous about everything as soon as there was another person in the picture. People that were happy with a reasonable division of equity, etc, flip a switch and suddenly are out for blood. The BS's aren't going to mention that part to you, so I will. Decide how you want to end it. You did already hurt her by cheating, and leaving isn't going to be easy... but I don't always see where it's beneficial to tell. That's the kind of remark that keeps this BS/OW back and forth crap going on. I was reading this thread and planning to make my comment and saw yours. I'm advocating for the same as you, but different reasons. OP if your wife does not know about your affair, and you know she does not know,and you have been discreet and your family and friends do not know, and you are willing to keep your affair party on the downlow for an appropriate amount of time. I do not think you should tell you wife about your affair. NOT because she will be after your money and blood (and she may be and I don't blame her if she is or does) but rather that she not ever have to go through being a betrayed spouse. I know and you know that she already is betrayed, but if you are leaving anyway and SURE of it, I don't see any reason why your wife has to go through all that extra pain, especially if the outcome is going to be the same. But I only advocate this if you are absolutely sure she is in the dark, and if you can keep things with your OW hidden until it looks appropriate for you to be dating again. If you are one of those waffle back and forth guys, then my advice is not good for you. Make sure you know exactly what you intend to do and are set on your course. Edited October 1, 2012 by eleanorrigby
nofool4u Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 I have read a lot on this forum. I am the MM and i do want out of my marriage for various reasons but i have met my OW who i love but it is now Dday by her demand and i just have no idea how to leave my wife without causing pain. Help Don't worry about it. You were man enough to betray her, be man enough to tell her the truth and set her free from you. The longer you wait, the more of her precious years on this earth you will waste. She needs to move on sooner rather than later so she can find someone who knows how to be faithful. 3
nofool4u Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 If you truly love the other woman , then go and be happy !!! Yup, until the 7 year itch gets him with the new woman too. 3
veryhappy Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 You know.......I had what you are describing happen to me. 18 years ago. My husband suddenly announced he was leaving, there was no talking him out of it, not a good explanation why. I knew things weren't good, but I didn't know they were that bad. It was a shock! We had been married for 9 years, had two little girls, one with special needs. I did not see that coming at all. It was not the man I married, that would do that to me or us. The reason I think that there was someone else before he left or at the least he had it planned out, was 3 months later, he started dating and shortly moved in her in. Later he married her.........divorced 3 years after. To this day.......it still haunts me, because I don't know. I vote for telling the truth. It's better than wondering for the rest of your life. Just curious...why haven't you asked him after his divorce from her? He had no reasons to deny it at that point. Even now you could get the truth, if he's still alive and kicking
stillafool Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 I have read a lot on this forum. I am the MM and i do want out of my marriage for various reasons but i have met my OW who i love but it is now Dday by her demand and i just have no idea how to leave my wife without causing pain. Help Unfortunately there is no way to get out of your situation without inflicting pain on your wife (and kids?). You are feeling guilty and want this to be pain free for her. The kindest thing you can do now is to tell her asap how you feel, pack your things and move in with the OW. Don't go back and forth with your wife hoping to make her feel better. It is best to cut and run so she knows you mean business. It will rip her heart out but if you go total NO CONTACT she will hurt and be on her way to healing. If you continue contact to see how she is doing she will be confused and stay in a place of "hope" when there is none. Please tell her immediately.
canuckprincess Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 I'm a little curious as to how long you've been seeing the ow and did she threaten to tell your wife or to break up if you don't leave? I never demanded a dday nor would I, I knew that would be up to him to come clean and tell the truth. Just keep in mind if you tell your wife that you've been with someone else she may want to hang on to the marriage. She may threaten to take her own life or guilt you into staying, you need to be prepared for all different types of scenarios. If you decide to tell the wife but then choose to stay in the marriage for fear of the unknown. Here's an idea, be honest and don't worry about causing pain, that ship has sailed. Good luck.
UpwardForward Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 That's the kind of remark that keeps this BS/OW back and forth crap going on. I was reading this thread and planning to make my comment and saw yours. I'm advocating for the same as you, but different reasons. OP if your wife does not know about your affair, and you know she does not know,and you have been discreet and your family and friends do not know, and you are willing to keep your affair party on the downlow for an appropriate amount of time. I do not think you should tell you wife about your affair. NOT because she will be after your money and blood (and she may be and I don't blame her if she is or does) but rather that she not ever have to go through being a betrayed spouse. I know and you know that she already is betrayed, but if you are leaving anyway and SURE of it, I don't see any reason why your wife has to go through all that extra pain, especially if the outcome is going to be the same. But I only advocate this if you are absolutely sure she is in the dark, and if you can keep things with your OW hidden until it looks appropriate for you to be dating again. If you are one of those waffle back and forth guys, then my advice is not good for you. Make sure you know exactly what you intend to do and are set on your course. Eleanor, IMO there's no such thing as walking in darkness and getting away with it. My H fed me pablum. That it wasn't me but that he just didn't wish to be M anymore. Over a short period of time I received practically all revelations.. Later his relatives and secretary filled me in w the rest. I shouldn't have had to fill in the pieces on my own. There will always be clues or witnesses. People who betray the M/spouse, may have difficulty in finally reveiling - but for the sake of decency - a H should at least come clean and confess to his W on his own. 1
eleanorrigby Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 (edited) Eleanor, IMO there's no such thing as walking in darkness and getting away with it. My H fed me pablum. That it wasn't me but that he just didn't wish to be M anymore. Over a short period of time I received practically all revelations.. Later his relatives and secretary filled me in w the rest. I shouldn't have had to fill in the pieces on my own. There will always be clues or witnesses. People who betray the M/spouse, may have difficulty in finally reveiling - but for the sake of decency - a H should at least come clean and confess to his W on his own. I get you. I just wish for any person to be able to avoid this pain if it's possible. (but it would only be possible if all the stars lined up and the WS and OW are willing to do what needs to be done) ETA: I wonder what the reaction to finding out I had been betrayed maybe a year after the divorce had been finalized. I'm sure I'd be pissed, but I don't know if it would be as intense as finding out during the marriage or as my spouse was leaving. What do you think of that? I might start a thread, just realized I'm jacking this one. Edited October 1, 2012 by eleanorrigby
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