Decorative Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 talk about closing the wrong career path, SHEESH! She Did understand you two were there to try and Work on reconciling, right?? Yes. She did. Whackadoodle!
Owl Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 All ya'll... Just got a phone call from husband that our attorney rang him letting him know that OW's now/new hubby has questions & is looking for proof of emails... He won't send them w/out our direction. A. We send them and the whole nightmare is relieved should things escalate between the two of them (OW & her hubby) B. We don't send them and attorney enforces contents of letter and advises OW's hubby to check hard drive on OW's computer Suggestions?!? I just REALLY want this to Go AWAY!! So does my husband.* No reason that the whole nightmare would need to be relived again. Tell him to send them, and ask him to reiterate that NO FURTHER CONTACT OF ANY KIND will be tolerated...ensure that he informs her H that ANY contact will be dealt with legally. I'd go that route...if she's tech saavy as you indicate, she may have cleared the evidence that HE needs off of her hard drive. Give him the proof he needs while using it as an opportunity to further ensure what you need...and be done with it. 5
BetrayedH Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 All ya'll... Just got a phone call from husband that our attorney rang him letting him know that OW's now/new hubby has questions & is looking for proof of emails... He won't send them w/out our direction. A. We send them and the whole nightmare is relieved should things escalate between the two of them (OW & her hubby) B. We don't send them and attorney enforces contents of letter and advises OW's hubby to check hard drive on OW's computer Suggestions?!? I just REALLY want this to Go AWAY!! So does my husband.* The betrayed husband has a right to know what has been going on in his marriage. Surely you can relate. The wife is obviously not going to tell him considering that she is an established cheating liar. Share whatever you have with your attorney and have him insist on NC thereafter. 1
Decorative Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 All ya'll... Just got a phone call from husband that our attorney rang him letting him know that OW's now/new hubby has questions & is looking for proof of emails... He won't send them w/out our direction. A. We send them and the whole nightmare is relieved should things escalate between the two of them (OW & her hubby) B. We don't send them and attorney enforces contents of letter and advises OW's hubby to check hard drive on OW's computer Suggestions?!? I just REALLY want this to Go AWAY!! So does my husband.* I would send them via attorney. 2
BetrayedH Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 It's amazing that a MC would do this. I know that many counselors who provide marriage counseling were never trained in it. This is bad because going to a bad counselor can do more damage than good. His logic was that everyone, my wife included, understood that the affair was wrong. He saw no disagreement on that and so no reason to discuss it. He also felt in his role that he had no real alternative but to believe what he is told by his clients. So there was no real confrontation on things that still didn't add up. Since my wife said the affair was over and she was committed to the M, he moved on to "meeting each other's needs." It drove me crazy to just have the affair summarily dismissed. Of course, my wife loved the guy. She didn't have to discuss the affair, she could keep lying, and we got to focus on how I needed to, you know, do a better job with the dishes or something. Sadly, it was the one place where my wife felt safe talking so we kept going there. It was very damaging. Hindsight.
Decorative Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 He should go into practice with the whackadoodle we saw.
freestyle Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 I hope counseling goes well, but if it's not a good match, don't hesitate to find another one. Our first counselor told me I should help my spouse transition to the OW, because they must be soul mates. My spouse, even in his post d-day fog, freaked out on her for that. It was not a good match. Holey Moley!!!!!!! I wonder if perhaps she was an OW herself, and was projecting/tranferring her own situation onto yours............Unbelievable..... Although, I heard about a psycho exgf of one of my SO's good friends. She still sends him pictures of herself in lingerie (the guy's W has told me about this, too--and she's not very happy about it)--over 5 years since their breakup. She also slashed his tires when he broke up with her. Guess what she does for a living? Not everyone in the therapy/counseling fields is necessarily qualified for the work. 3
AnotherRound Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 I almost wonder if the Counselor who told the couple to transition out of the marriage and to the new relationship with the H and the OW was using some really basic reverse psychology? It seems that if so, it worked, as the couple came together STRONGLY against that, and found a new counselor (I think?) and really worked on their reconciliation. Interesting. Maybe he/she was trying to gauge how honest they were being about wanting to reconcile, and did so, quite effectively it seems. Interesting... Or, he/she saw such huge communication issues that he/she really thought the couple would be wasting time by trying to reconcile, as there may have been too much damage, too much resentment, too much to overcome. Either way, sounds like it worked. Huh.
Author ComingInHot Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 Okay, back from first session. Wow was that exhausting, yet amazing good! My husband was surprisingly humble & honest. He Said he's actually worn from his behavior and admittedly needs and wants to change... Needless to say, we had chance to discuss how we should proceed w/OW's husbands request for proof. Even though they started dating (I think) towards the end of the A, they are now married & he in fact, does have a right to know. Husband called attorney, I forwarded EVERYTHING via email to attorney and he in turn will give it to her hubby w/firm NC guidelines** Now I feel badly for her husband! Maybe he DID tell her to tell me of A so they could start w/a clean slate. And now he gets this kick in the face. Ugh. But...(I know, again w/the butts*) we are finally and officially done!! YEAH! I CAN'T WAIT FOR " HAPPY HOUR"!!! 4
Decorative Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 (edited) I almost wonder if the Counselor who told the couple to transition out of the marriage and to the new relationship with the H and the OW was using some really basic reverse psychology? It seems that if so, it worked, as the couple came together STRONGLY against that, and found a new counselor (I think?) and really worked on their reconciliation. Interesting. Maybe he/she was trying to gauge how honest they were being about wanting to reconcile, and did so, quite effectively it seems. Interesting... Or, he/she saw such huge communication issues that he/she really thought the couple would be wasting time by trying to reconcile, as there may have been too much damage, too much resentment, too much to overcome. Either way, sounds like it worked. Huh. Yeah . Not reverse psychology. That was the tip of the iceberg. She no longer practices. In no way, shape or form was she a good therapist. I made a grievous error in not checking her record better before scheduling us with her, but I went off a hurried recommendation, in a crisis. And I am pretty sure a good therapist doesn't stalk a patient at home who has asked them not to contact them. Or tell a mother she has wasted her education and abilities by staying at home. I have had a lot of therapists in my life- dealing with OCD since I was tiny. I've never run across such a nut bar in my life. And also? She saw us during the false recovery. She wasn't trained enough to see my husband was still in contact. So grand strategy ? Notsomuch. We did have communication issues, though. He had trouble COMMUNICATING that he was still sleeping with the OW. So I guess she gets a half point for that? rofl Edited October 2, 2012 by Decorative 3
Decorative Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Holey Moley!!!!!!! I wonder if perhaps she was an OW herself, and was projecting/tranferring her own situation onto yours............Unbelievable..... Although, I heard about a psycho exgf of one of my SO's good friends. She still sends him pictures of herself in lingerie (the guy's W has told me about this, too--and she's not very happy about it)--over 5 years since their breakup. She also slashed his tires when he broke up with her. Guess what she does for a living? Not everyone in the therapy/counseling fields is necessarily qualified for the work. Not surprised. Divorce rate is high among psychiatrists - The Boston Globe (Boston, MA) | HighBeam Research I've read before that professionals in psychiatric fields have a higher than average divorce rate. Being educated on the issues doesn't necessarily translate to being able to internalize and make wise personal decisions. AS an aside- I know three psychologists that are on their third marriages. But that's anecdotal only.
2sunny Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 No reason that the whole nightmare would need to be relived again. Tell him to send them, and ask him to reiterate that NO FURTHER CONTACT OF ANY KIND will be tolerated...ensure that he informs her H that ANY contact will be dealt with legally. I'd go that route...if she's tech saavy as you indicate, she may have cleared the evidence that HE needs off of her hard drive. Give him the proof he needs while using it as an opportunity to further ensure what you need...and be done with it. Yes - have your attorney send the evidence! Only allow your attorney to communicate. This is evidence that her now H wasn't aware of the situation...hmmm. 2
ThatJustHappened Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Now obviously this therapist was intelligent enough to complete college and get her degree in psychology. Solid proof that that isn't enough to make a decent therapist. You also need emotional intelligence, and she obviously is sadly lacking. Unfortunately I know a lot of people who have degrees in psychology and have barely a brain cell to spare. In fact, my own degree is in psychology. Although my occupation has nothing to do with it, unless you count the fact that I work with crazy people. OP, I'm also going to vote for sending it (through the attorney of course) and demanding NC. Glad your MC session went well! 1
Author ComingInHot Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 It's been awfully quiet... lol* You know what feels so great? That it was my husband's idea for MC ( granted it came to pulling up my jujitzsu pants & have him choose his family and to work on himself & us OR enjoy the single life...) And that HE was the one who said that it's time to get "right" w/himself & family and to put an end to this A/OW junk once &for all.!! I know this is tacky & sentimental, but to hear him say that we r a team & he will defend me at all costs & knows I am truly his love & life choice, well I am just beaming right now* Oh my! Look at that... It's HAPPY HOUR!!! Gotta go. There is a glass of Red w/my name on it! 4
Spark1111 Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Yes - have your attorney send the evidence! Only allow your attorney to communicate. This is evidence that her now H wasn't aware of the situation...hmmm. Whether the H knew of the affair as her former fiance, there is no reason he could have known the elaborate lengths she continued to go to in continuing contact, much of it downright cruel, to CIH and her spouse. Hopefully now that he has evidence of the drive by emails, he too can take proper steps to keep NC in place to avoid legal action in the future. It's all good CIH. Good luck to you and your H! 3
Author ComingInHot Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 Thank you, thank you, Thank You, THANK YOU, THANK YOU ALL!!!!! 4
ThatJustHappened Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 It's been awfully quiet... lol* You know what feels so great? That it was my husband's idea for MC ( granted it came to pulling up my jujitzsu pants & have him choose his family and to work on himself & us OR enjoy the single life...) And that HE was the one who said that it's time to get "right" w/himself & family and to put an end to this A/OW junk once &for all.!! I know this is tacky & sentimental, but to hear him say that we r a team & he will defend me at all costs & knows I am truly his love & life choice, well I am just beaming right now* Oh my! Look at that... It's HAPPY HOUR!!! Gotta go. There is a glass of Red w/my name on it! You've earned it..enjoy!
j'adore Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Yeah . Not reverse psychology. That was the tip of the iceberg. She no longer practices. In no way, shape or form was she a good therapist. I made a grievous error in not checking her record better before scheduling us with her, but I went off a hurried recommendation, in a crisis. And I am pretty sure a good therapist doesn't stalk a patient at home who has asked them not to contact them. Or tell a mother she has wasted her education and abilities by staying at home. I have had a lot of therapists in my life- dealing with OCD since I was tiny. I've never run across such a nut bar in my life. And also? She saw us during the false recovery. She wasn't trained enough to see my husband was still in contact. So grand strategy ? Notsomuch. We did have communication issues, though. He had trouble COMMUNICATING that he was still sleeping with the OW. So I guess she gets a half point for that? rofl sorry i had to point this one out.
Decorative Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 (edited) sorry i had to point this one out. That I have OCD? I have said it before on here, in earlier posts. There is another poster on here, Another Round, I believe, who also has OCD and has had treatment for it. Is that a problem for you? It's not for me. *Yup. I checked. Already discussed in a different thread. Edited October 3, 2012 by Decorative
AnotherRound Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 sorry i had to point this one out. It happens a lot - people searching for a therapist that will "validate" their view or not confront them on issues. It's pretty common, but definitely can be a red flag, just like "med seekers", if someone has a long hx of changing counselors frequently. It often means that they aren't hearing what they want to hear - but not always. Why did you point it out? For this reason? I'm glad CIH that you have some resolution now! I'm hopeful that this will be enough to get the point across to the FOW that she is not welcome in your H's life. Just like on the "begging" thread, this is behavior that I would be ashamed and embarrassed of if I took part in it - trying to push myself on someone who has made it clear that they are not interested. It's odd... definitely. Maybe the attorney will sort her out!
Decorative Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 I have had five therapists in my lifetime. I don't take meds. And I have lived in 10 cities. I don't know about you- but my therapists haven't been keen on moving cross country with me. LOL I am north of 40- and have had been diagnosed since I was little. Six therapists (if we count crazy MC) over a lifetime? With everywhere I have moved? I'd say that's pretty good. It's that simple. Not searching for validation. LOL 1
Decorative Posted October 3, 2012 Posted October 3, 2012 Also, this is probably rhetorical, but how does one seek validation for OCD? LOL That makes me giggle. Yes. I switch docs so they can tell me I'm awesome and I count in groups with such perfection that they swoon? LOL On second thought- maybe I should doctor surf. I have clearly been doing it wrong. My therapists are boring. LOL 1
Author ComingInHot Posted October 3, 2012 Author Posted October 3, 2012 Guess I'm little lost on the OCD thing. Why call that out here, or at all unless it is a thread topic? I'm. Gonna have to cry "foul" on the comment w/a five minute penalty... 2
Decorative Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 (edited) Sorry it is just that everyone who has a problem with anyone on here calls them a nut job' date=' you particularly are calling everyone a nut job. OW is a whacko and so are all the counsellors. so sorry thought it was funny[/quote'] Hello. I called her a nutbar, not a nutjob. And whackadoodle is my chosen term, not whacko. Please be precise, if you are going to object to my words. Can you show me where I have been calling other people whackos and nutjobs, since you pointed out that I "particularly" am doing that? I should definitely stop that, if I am doing that over and over. It doesn't sound like something I would repetitively do, but if you've noticed a pattern with me, I'd sure like to see it, so I can amend my behavior. I absolutely did call that therapist a nutbar, and I mentioned that BH's therapist who gave non-standard advice was also a whackadoodle who should go into practice with her. In light of what both those therapists did, I'm comfy with that assessment. I'll own that. But the other things? I am not sure you have me identified correctly. This is one thread, mentioning *two* therapists with egregious behavior, not all of them. As I stated above, I have had interactions during my lifetime with other therapists- and I think I can assess a situation nicely. Thanks in advance for your help. Edited October 4, 2012 by Decorative
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