ComingInHot Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 The intermittent "ping"... FWH's A is over (I found it after he had ended it). She (OW) sought me out again & again until FWH really let her have it. Now, every once in a while, OW will hunt down our email and either "share" something w/me she "forgot" or send him, for example, an email, "Are u ready to be friends yet?". She is supposed to be married and happily at that w/a child. Her last email was to the effect that she was happy to see I had "fixed myself back up" Why does she do this?! Why would she say that? I hate that it makes me look at my physical appearance & question my own beauty that will in time fade. I feel like these yearly "check ins" are her way of seeing if she has yet gained the "upper hand" w/regards to her youth. It doesn't make sense to me... 1
BetrayedH Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Have you not exposed the A to the OWs H? If not, you should. He deserves to know and may also be an ally in stopping this nonsense. Sorry I don't recall this part of your story. I remembered that she was harassing but not that she was married.
GLDheart Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Trying to rationalize crazy is likely to drive you just as batty... If she was sane she wouldn't be mingling up two families in all of this. Just treat her like the unwanted presence that she is and forget about the "why" of it all.
Decorative Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Expose to her spouse if you haven't, and lock down every avenue of communication she may try. I'm sorry. It's tough . We are 2.5 years out, and a few weeks ago, the OW made up a story and had her dad contact me. I had lock down tighter again after that. It sucks. But crazy apparently doesn't have an expiration date. LOL 3
Author ComingInHot Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 It actually never occured to me to let her husband know (if she is indeed married now). She appears to be quite technically inclined so we get "word" from her then have like a twentyfour hour window to respond then she shuts it down. We haven't responded in over a year thinking it'll just go away. But every once in a while... surprise! FWH & I are taking the six difference email addresses from her "check ins" and giving them to our attorney to proceed accordingly. I read from her (early on) that her fiance knew about everything and encouraged her to tell me... I don't get that either.??
Decorative Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Unless you heard it from her then fiance's lips ? I would not believe that he knew. Contacting your attorney is a good idea. Show the boundary, nice and tight. But I would consider letting her spouse know, because when is clearly not directing her energies in positive ways. She is seeking to maintain a connection.
AnotherRound Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 I have never understood why anyone in any relationship continues to pursue someone that has told them in no uncertain terms that they are not interested. The fact that your H has told her this and yet she continues to try to insert herself into your lives says to me that she is insecure - probably about her appearance especially, if that is what she is trying to make you doubt about yourself. I can understand why you would question yourself when she tries to plant that seed of doubt - but look at it this way, if that is all she has to offer (as it is apparently the most important thing to her), you should feel sorry for her, not be threatened by her! As for the "are you ready to be friends yet"... ???? What the? Does she think that the 3 of you are going to have bbqs together or something? I would answer the email with, "We are never going to be friends. Please stop contacting us or we will proceed with legal action." And then I would do just that. I don't know how much contact will show harassment - but maybe it would be enough to make her leave it alone. Don't let anyone cause you to question your worth - in any way. You know that you are valuable and worthy and beautiful in many ways. And since you and your H are reconciling (it sounds like?), she is just trying to make you doubt that and take your focus off it and to her. She probably is hoping that if she can derail the reconciliation, it will validate her - or she may even want to pick up the A again. Whichever, her intent is not good, or healthy, and makes her appear insecure and childish and a bit stalkerish, tbh. I hate when people just won't let go when they are told something is over. I have never understood it. Good luck, and I hope that you DO have legal recourse, as that would serve her right for acting desperate and needy. 1
Author ComingInHot Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 Thanks! I try to see it from her eyes and granted it's only based off of what I know of her, but I believe she could be married yet still doesn't like the fact that she "lost" like it was a game or contest or something... I don't justify it but from what I know and I quote from her, "I didn't lose. I don't lose. I left. "He stayed w/you cause I wanted him to." Ouch, right!?! If that's true, why the occasional checking out what I look like? Why the determination to make certain we know she is SO happy?. To me, my proof would be my absence in the married couples life. Yes,. Husband & I are reconciling & we begin MC tomorrow ( thanks to you all supporting me in taking a stand & giving him his two options)!! I just find myself feeling so bad for her yet angry at her for her need of validation and still put-downs of me.
AnotherRound Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Thanks! I try to see it from her eyes and granted it's only based off of what I know of her, but I believe she could be married yet still doesn't like the fact that she "lost" like it was a game or contest or something... I don't justify it but from what I know and I quote from her, "I didn't lose. I don't lose. I left. "He stayed w/you cause I wanted him to." Ouch, right!?! If that's true, why the occasional checking out what I look like? Why the determination to make certain we know she is SO happy?. To me, my proof would be my absence in the married couples life. Yes,. Husband & I are reconciling & we begin MC tomorrow ( thanks to you all supporting me in taking a stand & giving him his two options)!! I just find myself feeling so bad for her yet angry at her for her need of validation and still put-downs of me. Well, I would say that the anger you feel is legitimate, and not that I have the right to judge it, but definitely valid, imo. I think if she was really "so happy", she wouldn't need to be trying to tell you about it all the time, lol. Sounds like she was one of those folks who truly believes that these types of situations are really a competition - that the "best" woman "wins". Love doesn't really work like that, and she is apparently having a hard time accepting that she didn't win. Sounds like she is giving you these back handed compliments in an effort to undercut your self esteem, your confidence in your reconciliation. Which again, would say to me, she is not happy. OR, she is an obsessive stalker. Either way, you don't look "bad" in this situation, she does. I honestly don't think that there is much more sad than a grown woman (or man for that matter), begging for attention from someone who has made it very clear that they are not interested. Good luck with the MC... I would discuss this issue with your MCounselor and see what his/her suggestions are on how to handle it. Can you block her emails and phone numbers and such? Even without a RO, it's possible to cut someone out of your life. I would honestly give her the two sentence response, report to my attorney, and block her and cut her out - and focus on the reconciliation. I hope that it all turns out for you in the end... despite her apparent attempts to derail you. Then she will REALLY think that she lost! (I know, that's a little mean of me to say, but honestly, I abhor when people throw themselves at others like that when they have been told outright the other is not interested).
Decorative Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Thanks! I try to see it from her eyes and granted it's only based off of what I know of her, but I believe she could be married yet still doesn't like the fact that she "lost" like it was a game or contest or something... I don't justify it but from what I know and I quote from her, "I didn't lose. I don't lose. I left. "He stayed w/you cause I wanted him to." Ouch, right!?! If that's true, why the occasional checking out what I look like? Why the determination to make certain we know she is SO happy?. To me, my proof would be my absence in the married couples life. Yes,. Husband & I are reconciling & we begin MC tomorrow ( thanks to you all supporting me in taking a stand & giving him his two options)!! I just find myself feeling so bad for her yet angry at her for her need of validation and still put-downs of me. Do not feel bad for her. Do not give her more consideration than she gave you - and after you take steps to make the door between you hermetically sealed, and you notify her spouse as to her continued contact- don't consider her a factor in your life anymore. Focus on you and your spouse. She is not a function going forward in your marriage- especially after you notify her spouse of her activities. Shining daylight on bad acts will bring accountability to her. There is the possibility that she is stuck in limerance, or something obsessive like that- but operate from the position that she has bad boundaries and comprehension of what no contact means. Set up that boundary- and slam that door.
Author ComingInHot Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 We changed our emails, again... She is tech say or maybe internet say, I don't know how in the world she keeps getting my email addresses. I never post it. And again, her contacts are very rare but GEEEEEZ!!! Our lawyer has drawn up a cease & desist letter & is having it hand delivered this evening. Oh to be a fly on THAT wall... if she is happily everything she writes* Thanks for the support & advice. 1
Decorative Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 I hope her spouse is there when she's served. 3
Author ComingInHot Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 Well, so far so good... No off the hinge response from OW regarding certified letter from attorney to OW. I hope & pray this is the end w/dealing w/this yuck. And she doesn't go of the Res and communicate again. I'm sure she had much to deal w/as the delivery person stated that the letter was delivered to a man & woman at the same time... yikes! Husband & I go to counseling for first time today noon!! He seems to be more "excited" than me, but I've been going for a while now* 1
BetrayedH Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Well, so far so good... No off the hinge response from OW regarding certified letter from attorney to OW. I hope & pray this is the end w/dealing w/this yuck. And she doesn't go of the Res and communicate again. I'm sure she had much to deal w/as the delivery person stated that the letter was delivered to a man & woman at the same time... yikes! Husband & I go to counseling for first time today noon!! He seems to be more "excited" than me, but I've been going for a while now* Both very positive. Personally, I hope the OW has some very interesting explaining to do. Good luck in counseling today. Each one is so different, it's hard to know what to expect. Don't be afraid or hesitant to switch. My MC very much wanted to just put the affair behind us and really refused to confront my W about her A. That kind of rugsweeping was harmful to us when what I really needed from my wife was open and honest dialogue about it. Remember that sticking to your guns is what got him to agree to the counseling. You should still have those ultimatums you had last week.
Decorative Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Well, so far so good... No off the hinge response from OW regarding certified letter from attorney to OW. I hope & pray this is the end w/dealing w/this yuck. And she doesn't go of the Res and communicate again. I'm sure she had much to deal w/as the delivery person stated that the letter was delivered to a man & woman at the same time... yikes! Husband & I go to counseling for first time today noon!! He seems to be more "excited" than me, but I've been going for a while now* How about that! Now the spouse will know what he is dealing with! Good job, you!
Decorative Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 I hope counseling goes well, but if it's not a good match, don't hesitate to find another one. Our first counselor told me I should help my spouse transition to the OW, because they must be soul mates. My spouse, even in his post d-day fog, freaked out on her for that. It was not a good match.
BetrayedH Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 I hope counseling goes well, but if it's not a good match, don't hesitate to find another one. Our first counselor told me I should help my spouse transition to the OW, because they must be soul mates. My spouse, even in his post d-day fog, freaked out on her for that. It was not a good match. My goodness. I thought mine was bad!
angie2443 Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Both very positive. Personally, I hope the OW has some very interesting explaining to do. Good luck in counseling today. Each one is so different, it's hard to know what to expect. Don't be afraid or hesitant to switch. My MC very much wanted to just put the affair behind us and really refused to confront my W about her A. That kind of rugsweeping was harmful to us when what I really needed from my wife was open and honest dialogue about it. Remember that sticking to your guns is what got him to agree to the counseling. You should still have those ultimatums you had last week. It's amazing that a MC would do this. I know that many counselors who provide marriage counseling were never trained in it. This is bad because going to a bad counselor can do more damage than good.
Author ComingInHot Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 WTH!! Transition to OW?! Get over it?! That's bouge!!(spelling?) I have appreciated my councelor thus far & today we will have both a male & my female councelors to promote the new atmosphere w/my husband joining & to keep things as unbiased as possible. Honestly, I think it would be difficult for her to be objective at this point ( and so did she) but I think we r on track w/this.* You guys r getting me excited...
waterwoman Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 I hope counseling goes well, but if it's not a good match, don't hesitate to find another one. Our first counselor told me I should help my spouse transition to the OW, because they must be soul mates. My spouse, even in his post d-day fog, freaked out on her for that. It was not a good match. WTF!!??? <splutters with rage> She said WHAT? She deserves to be struck off (or whatever the counselling equivalent is - have her box of tissues formally removed perhaps) simply for using the word 'soulmate'! Let alone the rest of it
Decorative Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 My goodness. I thought mine was bad! She was a peach. After we fired her- she kept calling the house and trying to get us to come back. We finally reported her to her professional organization. But the MC we had next? Loved him. He was awesome.
ThatJustHappened Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 I hope counseling goes well, but if it's not a good match, don't hesitate to find another one. Our first counselor told me I should help my spouse transition to the OW, because they must be soul mates. My spouse, even in his post d-day fog, freaked out on her for that. It was not a good match. Maybe she's related to the OW? Or the OW paid her? I can't think of any other reason why a marriage counselor would say that..that's bizarre!
Decorative Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Maybe she's related to the OW? Or the OW paid her? I can't think of any other reason why a marriage counselor would say that..that's bizarre! My spouse and I have decided, because she made a brief mention that she was her spouse's second wife- that she was very likely and OW turned spouse. She said many, many bizarre things in that 55 minute session. Including telling me I was clearly a lost and unfulfilled person as a SAHM ( I have a great education, and chose to stay home). It was so weird.
Author ComingInHot Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 talk about closing the wrong career path, SHEESH! She Did understand you two were there to try and Work on reconciling, right??
Author ComingInHot Posted October 2, 2012 Author Posted October 2, 2012 All ya'll... Just got a phone call from husband that our attorney rang him letting him know that OW's now/new hubby has questions & is looking for proof of emails... He won't send them w/out our direction. A. We send them and the whole nightmare is relieved should things escalate between the two of them (OW & her hubby) B. We don't send them and attorney enforces contents of letter and advises OW's hubby to check hard drive on OW's computer Suggestions?!? I just REALLY want this to Go AWAY!! So does my husband.*
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