Coffee20 Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 As I read you stories, it seems that most of you have healed already and found a new partner within a few months. I feel better, but still it's not good. I think I will need another year to heal completely. How come that some of you can heal so quickly? How do you do it? I follow all those advice what to do, but still can't get connected to someone new.
CopingGal Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 EEK, it's been over a year and I'm still not healed. I did join several dating website the other day. But I put on the profile that I just wanted to test the waters are talk and that I wasn't looking for a relationship. Maybe it's too soon even for that. I got tired of being obsessed with the pain. It's been well over a year. I think I may be okay as long as I'm just talking and that's it. Plus, I was upfront, as I said I wasn't interested in dating in the second sentence of my profile description. But I might take the profiles down. I don't know. I do like talking to other men. One man was in my town and he asked me for coffee. I explained again I was healing and wasn't looking to date. I hope I'm doing what's right. I don't want to use anyone so I make a big effort to be upfront. And, please don't compare yourself to other people. You are you. Just be you and heal, dear. Take care of you.
Mike_d Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 not all of us... but we'll get there, just enjoy life along the way
Sameold Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Don't think that just because people are dating it means they are healed. The reality is though that you either sit at home and cry or you get back out there looking your best and be with your friends and who knows who else you might meet. My mate set me up with a girl he knew and we are having a fun time now. The trick is to make sure you taking everything at a pace you are comfortable with. Also, and this is my opinion. I think most people hang on to their ex in their head until they start sorting their own life out. That might even mean gaining confidence with the opposite sex again. Don't just sit and wait and think one day you will be over it, I think your own actions and decisions will ultimately one day make you realise you have moved a long way through the pain. Time does help but you can help yourself more.
Minka333 Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Healing slowly is better. It means you are slowly realizing more aspects of your inner self. As you grow, you have more to offer on your plate. You are becoming more open to starting something of value. Those who are quick to move on. Quick to replace and quick to love often quickly disappear. Most often they will settle for any arms available which defies a totally meaningful relationship.* They overlook the unresolved issues within them and carry it to the next partner. Thus another vicious cycle. You are in a better position than these people. Some of them may wake up. But some won't. Most will remain hidden in the shadows of their fears not knowing the essence of what real love means. Carry on:) 1
Exit Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Almost 11 months for me. Still healing. No dates. No flings. Sometimes I dread what I'm going through, other times I am grateful that I am finally taking this break. I have not been single for this long in many years. I'd be quick to say my exes who find themselves in new relationships right away were disgusting and easy, but I realized I hardly took more than a month or two before starting my next relationship either. I'm working through issues and dealing with things that I should have done when I started having relationship troubles years ago. Instead, I kept starting new relationships and failing for many of the same reasons. Try not to feel bad. There are many downsides to healing this slowly. Especially with the gauntlet of multiple holidays the next few months, it sucks being alone. But I think there is a lot of good about taking your time as well. If nothing else, just know that you are not alone. There are quite a few people here who have not finished healing from what they went through yet.
Author Coffee20 Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 thank you for your answers I do, try to have fun with men. I go out with them and I even had some intimate things with some of them. But I felt nothing at all. The only thing I kept in my head was "I wish my ex would see me with him". I decided that it was wrong idea, very wrong to do this. I need to be completely off dating. I would just hurt someone. It is the same things my ex did to me. He broke up two months with his first ex before he met me. And his feelings were quick and shallow. 1
Minka333 Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 I also felt that. When me and my bf broke up, i tried dating others. But i felt *NOTHING. I tried to have fun but was secretly miserable. It was his face i wanted to see. His voice i wanted to hear. And his laugh that could make me smile. So i told myself F this! Why force myself when i'm not ready. Can't stand *the pretensions. I concentrated instead on reading inspirational books. Spent meaningful time with family and friends..the very people i was guilty of neglecting when i was so immersed in the relationship.* Slowly i felt better. You will get there too. The process is slow but it will make you appreciate the other aspects of your life that you may have taken for granted. You will cry, mope and miss him. It is all part of the parcel. But gradually the intensity will lessen.* It might feel like forever now, but one day you will look back at all these chaos and realize that it made you a better/stronger person. 1
Author Coffee20 Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 I was thinking about it today a lot and decided to tell to my current friend - and more than a friend (because something has happened already between us), that I am so sorry but I am still not over BU and I don't want to hurt him. He replied back that he was on the same boat and he was sorry too. Then we agreed to be only friends. Interesting what honesty can do.... thank you all
River Rain Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 (edited) I was worried that I got over the ex too quickly to be honest. I mean, he broke up with me officially last night, even though it was over three weeks ago and I knew it. Granted we were only together 3 months, but it was intense, intimate and very affectionate...only words though, it was long distance. I wonder maybe I'm in denial. I wonder if I should take more time to heal, but I don't know. I'm afraid of hurting someone too. But I intend to keep looking. I'm not going to let him ruin my chances at love again. Maybe I'm apathetic. But I just don't care about him at the moment. I'm moving on, and leaving his sorry butt behind because he doesn't deserve me. That's the mindset I have now and it's empowering. I won't lie, I felt a little tightness in my chest today and in my throat, but I told myself I'm better than that and he can't make me cry anymore. Then I distracted myself because if I hadn't, I would have been a sobbing mess pulled over on the side of the road. I'm sorry you feel badly. But as someone else said, don't compare yourself to other people who "move on" faster. Some people, like me, need closeness and connection to get over a breakup, so in my case, I won't wait to start dating again. But others need distance and time alone. You have to take as long as you need right? I hope you feel better soon though, life is so short, we all deserve happiness. Edited October 1, 2012 by River Rain
Calico Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Not healed yet and no flings or dates, but I've been making new friends aggressively and doing "fake it until I make it" socializing. Feels a little desperate at times, but it helps to propel me forward and leads to many good conversations that provide distractions. Mornings and before bed are still hard.
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