Did I do the right thing?

[xpaperxcutx]

Unfortunately its true that all people in relationships are inherently prone ti want to change their SOs. Myself more than others.

My initial two months of honeymoon fawning are over and I find myself finding more and more flaws with my boyfriend. His primary character flaw stems from his inability to say no and more than once it has caused friction between us especially about his friends who freeload off of him.

My bf is not rich but he has a stable job which gaurantees him benefits. However he has a large family to support and much of his labor earned is lost on bills and other family priorities. Financially, he is not secure as he wants to be and we have fought about his friends often using him forhis car ( without offering to pay for gas) or o his overexcessive spending and his inability to save.

it has become a constant frustration to offer him support. I have tried to convince him to get back into training reliable clents ( he is a trainer) or seek a way to minimize spending but he has yet to take up some semblance of solidarity in terms of a stable future plan. He literally lives paycheck to paycheck.

Some of you may say I have no right to dictate how he spends his money but he is approaching his mid thirties and living his life somewhat meaningless. As his girlfriend, I worry and care about him. We've both agreed that we see this as a long term committed relationship. He is a great man, one who treats me with respect and the love I deserve, and minus the financial instability and his one character flaw, I honestly can't ask for more.

Today we drew up a two year plan to gfive both our relationship and personal goals more structural. I plan to finish my associate in two years time and subsequently get my dddbachelorbachelor degee in business management. He is going to apply for a better job position at his hospital minus the physical labor of his current job. He is also looking for new clients to train ( he is a personal trainer) and hopefully slowly build a steady stream of clientales.

I told him he had the ability to achieve his dreams( he is a very smart guy) but at times he needs that extra push to motivate him.I toldhim I was willing to give him time, to give both of us time to grow and mature in this relationship. Im not willing to walk from this relationship, I have grown too attached to him. but I am also a realistic person to know thst financial stability is an important part of life. I don't expect him to support me but I do need a partner who is capable of supportig himself and his family. Is it unrealisti. to set something like this- an ultimatum?

[Ninjainpajamas]

You have to remind yourself that although you are his GF, you are not his wife.

 

You don't have a right as a person he's been for 3 months to come in and start expecting things to change over night, or even in the distant future.

 

This is a problem many women deal with...they see the potential, they think their man is very smart and capable but he needs to be tweaked here and here and accomplish X. You can pretty much see It in every relationship you look at.

 

I understand women have a propensity to be supporting and nurturing, taking on the load of their partner, turning we into us...however this is a grown man, he makes the decisions ultimately in his life for himself, not for the relationship.

 

Expecting a man to change in X or X way just because now you are apart of your life is a bit selfish, even IF your excuse it bettering his life and your future...this is not about you, which you need to realize that's what you're doing in this process, you're making it about you and taking everything personal.

 

You also are prematurely gauging the potential of problems and future compatibility you may actually have...do you;

 

- Share similar views on family

- Do you share similar views on where money should be spent and saved

- Do you share similar views of what role his friends should play in his life

- Do you share similar views on whether he's actually comfortable in his life but it is you who insists on "encouraging" to establish more

 

It really doesn't matter what you think of his ability or whether you want to see him accomplish his dreams If he doesn't agree or benefit from your pressure in achieving so. You just trying to "make" this guy want to do something is only going to create a divide, you harping on him because he lent his friends his car or takes care of too many people is only going to cause rifts and a battle that you will eventually lose.

 

You have to establish strong communication and must be able to see eye to eye, right now it just appears you are George Washington on the tip of this boat and trying to lead this man to a great prosperous future...that's now how it works in relationships, yes some encouragement is required and support is a must, but forcing someone out of their comfort zones or not understanding how they feel and what their needs are is going to cause more harm than good.

 

I think you're pushing this guy way too far, and I think that your frustration is unwarranted. If you want a different type of guy, then stop trying to mold this guy into something he's not just because you think he's perfect...I can assure you as the relationship progresses you will find he is even less perfect than you anticipated...he will in fact be a human being that will present the normal challenges and obstacles like in any other relationship.

 

I know you want to help this guy, but you've got to be sensitive to where he is, and where he can actually go...you can run 10 miles away and turn back and say "well what are you waiting for! what's taking you so long!...c'mon!" he's going to be more discouraged and guess what? you'll be like everyone else in his life, just abusing his passive demeanor of accepting the way people treat him.

 

In fact If I were him, I'd be like back the F off, If you don't like it then there's the door....but then again If he were anything like that then he'd probably not be as dependent and submissive to his friends...I'm sure he wants to change things and be more aggressive and be more respected but it doesn't sound like he has found it in himself to do it.

 

Don't look so far into the future just yet, it's way too premature, the present is now, work with the pieces that you have or you might not even make it that far.

[kassy]

Wow, way too much too soon!

 

I can see where you are coming from, but you just met the guy. Have you heard before that people don't change about money? In my experience it is true.

 

It sounds like you guys say down and you wrote out what was already your 2 year plan and then totally dictated what his will be. Might not be the case but that's what it came across like. Doesn't seem much fun for him.

 

Agree with ninja. Why not just enjoy the relationship for now, get to know each other better. Lay off the changing him bit.

 

Anyway it is easier to change yourself than someone else. If you want this relationship to work maybe you need to think about it something like this; he is a very caring and generous person who looks after those he loves, he is unlikely to ever be financially responsible as the more he earns the more he will give. Therefore, if I want us to have the kind of life I envisage then I need to be able to manage the money that I earn in a way that can provide for us and any kids we have in the future. This is something which as much as you may not like it is probably more the reality of what life with him would be like. If you can step up to the plate and do that without resentment or probably even acknowledgment then that is great. If not... Then you are probably best to find someone else.

 

Anyway there is no need to rush this, you just started dating, you aren't his wife, and will likely discover many other things you want to change about him over time. You need to pick your battles, and also how about just having fun and enjoying being with him and getting to really know him for a while longer.

 

Good luck!

[snowflakes88]

Overstepping your bounds. And it's pointless anyway, because people only change when they get good and ready. If he's in his mid-30s, he's probably already the person he is destined to be.

 

If financial stability/responsibility is important to you - which is fair, IMO - you should have chosen to date someone who is financially stable/responsible. Simple.

[xpaperxcutx]

I understand where you guys are coming from. I too feel like I've went overboard on rhise.However he has agreed with me that he doesn't like his current position right now either. He admits he's been struggling and I can tell he's depressed. He used to love going to the gym, but ever since Ramadan fasting a month ago, he's slacked off on getting back on track. He's pretty much lost his passion for the one thig thats dominated his life: fitness. Nowadays he spends his days either working or driving out to see me. I feel like he's usig our relationship to escape from his problems. As much I love to see him I also feel like its unhealthy to see each other almost everyday.

 

I understand we are moving particularly fast, but at the same time our paces are consistent, to avoid falling into a stereotypical relationship outline. He has repeatedly shown me he wants this relationship to work but also has admitted he isnt at the right place in his life as he'd wished. In his culture, he should've been married right now and starting his own family.

A year ago he was financially secure and he had a second job that was raking in enough to. help his mom retire and help his sister and bro-in-law and his two nephews. Ue made the mistake of not saving up and he got into a situation which saw him lose everything. it took him a while to overcome everything anf then he met

My intention isn't to change him, I sincerely want to help himvget back on his feet. He has such a self-defeatist attitude about him at times. He made it clear he wantedvto keep me no matter what and he was willing to work at things.

So yeah I wont walk away from this and neither is he willingly letting me go.He knows he needs change and in a way I'm jist givig I'm that pusj and motivation.

[january2011]

What's the deal with his mum retiring and him having to help out his sister, her husband and their kids? Do neither of them work? Why is he supporting them?

[ascendotum]

I see NP said this relationship is only 3 mths old...is this right? If so then I think you definitely are a bit bossy to have a meeting to draw up a two year plan, with your 'new' bf. I totally understand your motivation for doing so as you outlined, but jeez, you should still be in the honeymoon, happy go lucky bf/gf times, and not writing out a long term plan, imo.

 

Also, you use the word ultimatum at end, but did you actually give him one?

Ultimatums are better in longer relationships, and if you are at the age where you have have a 'I don't have time to waste on deadend guys', attitude, then I can understand your desire to mold a great guy to be closer to your ideal guy, but I don;t think he is the right guy if you have to give him an ultimatum at 3 mths. You are better off saying what you want out of life and expect in a partner and hope he loves you enough to want to change to keep you, at the early stages of a relationship imo. If he has is the sort of guy who has a hard time saying no and has no rudder in life, then he could actually appreciate someone such as yourself taking the wheel and pushing him to be more motivated...but its too soon. I wonder if he had any input or just agreed with what you want. (that's fine as long you don't resent that later on)