Girlfriend broke up with me because I needed to work on myself.

[Alek212]

I just put this on here to vent, you can call me a crazy sob if you want or a monster.

 

One month ago my girlfriend broke up with me because I had become miserable. I was an upbeat and cheerful person at the beginning of the relationship, but towards the end I was pitiful. My ex and I had been dating for a year and two months and she took note of how I became. She thought that she made me miserable. When she left, she gave a letter to me stating that she wants me to get better but she felt that all she did was aggravate me. I can remember her saying when I got upset "I feel like all I do is ruin your life." At the moment, I did not know what my problem was, so I could not deny her statement. I have not spoken to hear since a week after we broke up. She sent a close friend of mine a message saying that she wants me to be happy and that I'd be better off if we weren't together.

 

After the break up, I began seeing my therapist more and more frequently, and I learned that there was a deep rooted meaning to my misery, which has nothing to do with her at all. Almost two years ago (in December), a friend of mine that I'd known since third grade was killed in a car accident. This was the first death I'd ever witnessed and my parents even mentioned that they noticed a change in my behaviour since that point in time. Fast forward six months and my grandfather whom I was very close to past away because of pneumonia.

 

I was grieving for awhile at that point, however after that I met the girl of my dreams, we had so much in common..blah blah blah, she was amazing you get the point. At that point in time, I did somethings that REALLY made me happy (like getting accepted into a music college). I made her so happy and things were great. She was my remedy.

 

Whenever I was very young, I found a very lovable dog and pretty much grew up with her. However, in March I had to put her down. Now, I know that it was just a dog, but I still loved her. It was at that point that I started hating myself, she had an enormous tumor on the side of her body, and I blame myself for not getting it removed in the earlier stages when it was just tiny. It eventually grew so large, that it began to crush her lungs. I felt like I had tortured her by keeping her alive...

 

After that point in time as pathetic as it sounds, I began deteriorating, because not only was I grieving over my dog, but she served as the catalyst and I began grieving over all the loses I'd faced in the past. What the problem was, was how I handled it. The remedy had worn off and I was no longer the man my girlfriend fell in love with. I learned from my therapist that I am stuck in the anger stages of grief, and how I dealt with it, was by taking all my self hatred/ anger and take it out on others. This is completely unintentional, but that doesn't make it okay, however it's my defense mechanism (displacement) and I had no other outlets. My girlfriend was always around me because she has separation anxiety, and while I took a lot of frustration out on my family members, she got the brunt of it. Usually, I'd be so pissed off already (at myself) that something so little as her dropping my alarm clock when I was dead asleep set me off. I said a lot of hurtful things to her that I truly did not mean and I treated her like ****. Since I made her so happy, I saw her begin to sink with me, which destroyed me even more.

 

I learned from my therapist that since I hated myself, that it was near impossible to love my girlfriend. I've been doing a lot of things to keep myself better like archery and playing shows again so I can keep my mind off of the losses. I've been learning to deal with these problems and how to control them and I know my girlfriend and I can be great again together. I'm nervous about how to tell her that she is not the reason for my misery, I feel that she think I'm just making this up as an excuse. I know for sure though, if my ex would have stuck around, I would not have been able to figure all of this out. I also doubt, that I'd even be able to get better.

Edited September 30, 2012 by Alek212

[BoredAgain]

It sounds like you're trying to rush things a bit. It's only been a month, and I'm a bit skeptical that you've made so much progress in such a short amount of time. Continue to work on yourself.

 

Besides, simply telling her that everything is okay now probably wont fly. You'd have to show her. That's a bit more difficult. But you're still young, going off to college, maybe you should focus on these changes instead.

[darkmoon]

try bereavement counselling, i say try, i am sorry for all your losses, life can be cruel and unfair, i'm not sure if the therapist you have is helping or you wouldn't be on loveshack

 

have you discussed your desired outcome with your therapist?

you sound a bit like me one time, running to anybody

often an expensive anybody

[Alek212]

try bereavement counselling, i say try, i am sorry for all your losses, life can be cruel and unfair, i'm not sure if the therapist you have is helping or you wouldn't be on loveshack

 

have you discussed your desired outcome with your therapist?

you sound a bit like me one time, running to anybody

often an expensive anybody

 

The therapist I'm going to is helping me slowly. I'll have my ups and downs of course. My desired out come would be to feel at peace and relieve some of my guilt

 

Reason I am consulting LS, is because I don't know how to go about telling the person I love that I am going through a rough time. They believe they are the reason I am like this, but they aren't. I still need to do alot of work for myself, but I do want to act quick so feelings don't drift away.

 

I guess it's sort of killing me that I have all of this on my chest and I just want to get it off.

Edited September 30, 2012 by Alek212

[betterdeal]

Maybe write a letter to her. You don't have to send it: the act of writing it can help you to structure your thoughts and so make more sense of life, where you are, where you were and where you're heading. Try not to rush into trying to fix things between you and her. Relationships are quite delicate things and so are hearts, and sometimes a bit of space is needed to let both heal.