is it too late.. should I just leave him alone?

[famke]

Hello people,

 

I met this amazing guy exactly a year ago. But I kinda messed it up.

I met him at work, and I was the one who made a move on him. We only went on 1 date, but contacted a lot after that. We kissed for only a short moment en I left having doubts about everything.

We emailed a lot after that... but after a week I left to Hong Kong for 6 months. He then continued to send me the most sweetest (very long) messages.

but being on the other side of the world, not knowing him that well..

It kind of scared me.

Then he started to send me (love)poems.. and I really freaked out.

So I answered the poem with a short email saying: I like you as a friend, not more. Its better that we stop having contact cause im here and you are on the other side of the world. And I can't be there with my thoughts all the time.

He didn't respond to that. and I didn't really think about it anymore.

 

But now I'm back (after 6 months) and I realized that I really liked him. The thing is that this always happens to me. I (think) I like someone, put effort in it and then lose interest if he likes me back. Im so selfdestructive.

 

Anyway, He is amazing. But I feel like ruined it (I did ofcourse).

Should I just leave him alone or can I send him a message asking how he is doing?

 

And why do I have this patron of pushing guys away?

How do I stop that?

Edited September 30, 2012 by famke

[famke]

hmm yeah, 'tried' that. but im looking for a healthy relationship this time.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Leave the guy alone, find someone on your level or in with your similar issue so you can poke each other on your own issues, you'll just continue to hurt this guy then leave him in the dust anyway for not being challenging or interesting enough because he doesn't bring forth the drama.

[famke]

@ninjainpajamas: I understand what you are saying. But I think that I changed and I would really want to give it another try. But Im scared to hurt him again.

I know it ruined it myself but I feel like he really scared me off by sending me lovepoems and very long emails (every day) after only one date.. That was his mistake.

 

I know its better to leave him alone. But I feel sad cause I really liked him. And I think I still do. If we could meet eachother again, maybe it could be amazing

Is it that bad to contact him agian?

[Ninjainpajamas]

@ninjainpajamas: I understand what you are saying. But I think that I changed and I would really want to give it another try. But Im scared to hurt him again.

I know it ruined it myself but I feel like he really scared me off by sending me lovepoems and very long emails (every day) after only one date.. That was his mistake.

 

I know its better to leave him alone. But I feel sad cause I really liked him. And I think I still do. If we could meet eachother again, maybe it could be amazing

Is it that bad to contact him agian?

 

Look at the way you responded to the situation, does that look like change?

 

You lead on that guy then cut the cord without any qualms over it, you were being an attention whore and then left to Hong Kong and wanted to be in your own world.

 

Now you're back from outer space and want him pining over you again because you need that kind of attention and he seems like the easiest love to fool to tie around your finger.

 

It's your push and pull situation all over again, there's nothing different about it.

 

Other than that, it takes years to change...not six months, of actually working through your own issues and understanding yourself better...you don't just decide one day you've changed then convince yourself...which is exactly what you're trying to do that you're all better now....you sound like a crack head who's been clean for six months and now thinks he's ok around drugs again.

 

Sorry, this guy isn't amazing...you're just blowing it up, you have no real deep seated emotions for him, this is all just the fantasy in your mind...you might as well be high, and that's what you are basically looking for...your next fix or high.

 

Trust me, pass over this ignorant love fool and find someone who's been through the ringer such as yourself and knows a thing or two about having issues and problems and actually accepts it instead of blaming the world for their own choices.

 

You need someone who understands and gets you on your own level, not some naive guy that has no idea the baggage you're carrying around with you...still thinking it's about finding the "perfect" man...this guy won't do it for you in the end and you're just going to burn his @ss once you realize that you haven't changed as much as you thought you did.

 

It takes years of hard work to change, not a whim of encouragement or motivation like a fat person trying to lose weight so they by a treadmill...how long does that last?

 

Hate to say it, but you probably need a guy who's going to drag you through the mud a bit at this point in your life. I know I don't know you, but the way you're talking is all too familiar and common.

[famke]

I do take responsibility for this. I know it might not sound like it but I'm not blaming the world. But I planned to go to hong kong before I met him, he knew that.. So I wasn't ready to commit anyway.

 

I know I threated him bad but at the time I felt trapped, I felt so bad and the second I told him I didn't like him I felt free again. But then after a little while I started to miss the feeling again.. looking for another fix.

You're right.. I do feel like a junkie, looking for attention.

I'm aware of it. I feel so bad for the guys I hurt. I hate myself fordoing that but I just lose the interest and then panick.

 

I used to be as naive and kind as him. I used to give my heart and soul to a guy.. But then I changed into this coldhearted-bitch.

 

Maybe I didn't change. But how do I change this? I know I can't use people's feelings to test my own problems.

I have been in bad relationships. I don't need another @sshole.

[truth_seeker]

The thing is that this always happens to me. I (think) I like someone, put effort in it and then lose interest if he likes me back. Im so selfdestructive.

 

Anyway, He is amazing. But I feel like ruined it (I did ofcourse).

Should I just leave him alone or can I send him a message asking how he is doing?

 

I've been here. You sound just like a girl I once knew for a brief time. I'm going tell you what will happen if you choose to contact him.

 

He will be pleasantly surprised but will take a step back and remember how you rejected him. You will give him the power, and if he's smart, he will tease you and return the favor, ie, "Thanks for reaching out to me so many months later to confess your true feelings for me. It makes me feel great to know you feel this way about me. Unfortunately, I moved on and met this amazing girl and we're in love. Sorry."

[rocketman122]

another woman who doesnt know wtf she wants. when something good hits you in the face you run away. stay single its better for you and us men. I hate indecisiveness in woman. such a turn off.

[truth_seeker]

So true, Rocketman. I hope this guy, if he is a good guy, passes on her if she decides to contact him. You know what will happen if the guy lets her back in. After a while she will run away again and leave the guy in shambles.

 

These types of women have a pattern they can't break. It's best like others have posted: they need to be dating other people who share similar behavioral traits.

[bac]

You are self-destractive because you do not match men. You do whatever you think is right but IRL nobody knows what is right unless they give it a try. You should let a guy to do whatever he feels right and you should match his steps and his feelings. A man takes an initiative and he is very afraid of rejection. Have some mercy and help him. For example, he sent you a love poem. And, it does not matter what you think about love poems. You should accept it and see what he would do next. Then, you should accept his next steps to let him show his real qualities. In other words, you should go with flow no matter what you think. Use your common sense. For example, love poems are not so difficult to handle.

But, you have mismatched his feelings. You rejected him and his feelings. Was it so difficult to answer him 'Thank you! The poem was wonderful! I liked it a lot' and, then, see his reaction.

[famke]

 

These types of women have a pattern they can't break. It's best like others have posted: they need to be dating other people who share similar behavioral traits.

 

And what would happen if I did date a guy with the same 'problems' ?

I can't imagine that working out.

[famke]

You are self-destractive because you do not match men. You do whatever you think is right but IRL nobody knows what is right unless they give it a try. You should let a guy to do whatever he feels right and you should match his steps and his feelings. A man takes an initiative and he is very afraid of rejection. Have some mercy and help him. For example, he sent you a love poem. And, it does not matter what you think about love poems. You should accept it and see what he would do next. Then, you should accept his next steps to let him show his real qualities. In other words, you should go with flow no matter what you think. Use your common sense. For example, love poems are not so difficult to handle.

But, you have mismatched his feelings. You rejected him and his feelings. Was it so difficult to answer him 'Thank you! The poem was wonderful! I liked it a lot' and, then, see his reaction.

 

Thanks for your advice, but I don't really get what you mean by 'matching his steps'.

Is it not criticing him and just let him do whatever he wants.

This guy for instance wanted to come to Hong Kong to see me (even though we weren't in a relationship). I didn't respond to it because I thought it was a joke, but he actually checked for tickets and stuff.

Anyway.. Isn't matching his steps and letting him do whatever also giving him false hope.

I just wished he had some patience and took it slow with me.

[famke]

 

 

You need someone who understands and gets you on your own level, not some naive guy that has no idea the baggage you're carrying around with you...still thinking it's about finding the "perfect" man...this guy won't do it for you in the end and you're just going to burn his @ss once you realize that you haven't changed as much as you thought you did.

 

 

What if you are only attracted to guys who are bad for you.

Hoe do you get out of that patterns and find someone who will treat you nice.

or is a 'bad guy' someone on my level?

I know I treated guys bad, but I'm a very loving person.

Mostly I'm just scared to get hurt, and to hurt someone else, I think.

[rocketman122]

I know I treated guys bad, but I'm a very loving person.

Mostly I'm just scared to get hurt, and to hurt someone else, I think.

 

how does that make sense? you treat guys badly and say youre scared to hurt them.

[famke]

I know I treated guys bad, but I'm a very loving person.

Mostly I'm just scared to get hurt, and to hurt someone else, I think.

 

how does that make sense? you treat guys badly and say youre scared to hurt them.

 

I treated guys bad, but not because I wanted to (consciously, like some really bad people do) but because I didn't know how to handle situations. I didn't communicate, didn't commit, etc.

But I know I'm a loving person, deep down.

 

I am scared to hurt them later on so I just go on 2 dates or something and then cut off all contact afterwards if I have doubts about my feelings towards them. because I'm scared to lead him on, give false hope and hurt yet another guy.

[Ninjainpajamas]

What if you are only attracted to guys who are bad for you.

Hoe do you get out of that patterns and find someone who will treat you nice.

or is a 'bad guy' someone on my level?

I know I treated guys bad, but I'm a very loving person.

Mostly I'm just scared to get hurt, and to hurt someone else, I think.

 

You're attracted to guys that are bad for you because you haven't fixed the problems inside of you that makes you attracted to these types of men.

 

You're the common denominator in every equation, therefore you always equal a certain result, someone else might completely make a different decision where you saw It was good, they saw it was bad.

 

Your issues are the guiding light with the type of men you are interested in attracted to, that's why there is a consistency in the type of men you choose. They feed into your issues by allowing them to trigger those emotions inside of you, you keep reliving the experience through them, of whatever your insecurity and abandonment issues are.

 

IF you worked on yourself and figured out your issues, then you'd understand why you choose these guys...and that's it's not really about love and all this other crap but moreso about you feeding the need to live the high and low, It's not about the person, It's about you...that person is merely a pawn in your overall scheme.

 

If you ask people are they "bad" how many people will admit to that? nobody feels they are bad, they just feel misunderstood, the majority of people unless they're completely twisted realize their actions are "bad" but they do them anyway...hell If you look at it that way, and people are just with issues, then everyone is pretty much "good" inside? that's just a black and white way of looking at life...It's useful for some explanations and understanding to make a point but doesn't solve the deeper issues...like most people are running around with the surface crap, not even knowing how to get deep.

 

The majority of people are scared of getting hurt, If not all human beings. However people act very differently to that emotion, some sabotage things, others run, others nurture others trying to fix the broken because they can't fix themselves or others abuse others because they are afraid to admit they are wrong and rather live in denial.

 

It's up to you to figure out yourself, and control what you do and your actions. Understanding yourself will make a lot more sense of things, for that you need someone like a therapist that can help you put your issues into context or someone that can explain it to you, I don't have enough hours in the day nor do I have myself completely figured out either..this illusion of perfection is ignorant that people look at others and believe, however people don't take responsibilty and accountability for what they do, they always make some excuse or judgment of why it's ok.

 

Up to you though, most people honestly just go through life never looking in the mirror and wondering why everything around them falls apart or is broken. It's really hard to sit there and expose your own vulnerabilities, especially to yourself, and it takes years undoing all the damage that life does to people and their experiences and things that have greatly affected and traumatized ourselves into being the way we are at times.

 

Just like weight loss, people want a quick fix...or maybe if there wasn't fast food that would fix the problem, or maybe it's because you don't have the right genes to be skinny....the world is filled with excuses for everything, It's up to you to decide whether you want to actually face the problem head on or just keep blaming the world around you.

 

What you're looking for is a man who will love, respect, and understand you unconditionally and make you feel safe and secure enough to expose your true vulnerability and reveal everything you have...what you don't realize is that it's not the men that are the main factor here, you're putting way too much responsibility on men so that you can put no responsibility on yourself...you want someone else to fix you, you want the perfect guy to make it OK.

 

Good luck with that.