QuarterSnr Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Going to the town my girlfriend lives in tonight to stay over so we can talk (about some fairly serious stuff). Have offered to take my girlfriend out to dinner as a kind of date beforehand. It's just her and her mother since her Dad walked out. The parents put her in boarding school aged 10 and used to go on vacations and stuff without her. Like Disneyworld Florida. Who goes to Disneyworld Florida and DOESN'T take their kid? Now it's just her and her mom I think her mom feels guilty and they have a very weird relationship as a result. I want to spend some time with my girlfriend she stays over mine often, but we NEED to talk (going by my other post, y'know?). I asked her out to dinner so we can talk and because it's Sunday, she's come back saying I can stay on the proviso that HER MOTHER comes to dinner with us. I mean... for one there's NEVER EVER any kind of proviso when she stays at mine (only that I clean the bathroom and tidy a bit of the house before I have company, but that's it). I'm not comfortable with it. This is the same mother who a week ago, when me and my girlfriend were in bed in the morning watching TV, came in and JUMPED on the bed in BETWEEN me and my girlfriend and started goofing around with my girlfriend childishly. This is telling me that her mother doesn't really like me (the girl in my other post, she's mentioned she likes and probably wishes my girlfriend was with instead). I called my girlfriend and have sortof said... "y'know... proviso, really?" And my girlfriend is offended and said "have you considered that she's a lonely old woman?" That maybe but there is NO WAY either of my parents would ever invite themselves along to dinner between just me and my girlfriend as a "trade" for sleeping at my house. Any tips on how I should proceed with this? Only have an hour or two til I have to leave for her town.
january2011 Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 (edited) Boundaries. It was not acceptable for her to jump into bed with you both. Nor was it acceptable for her to invite herself to a dinner where you both need to discuss things in private. Whatever her mother's behaviour, your girlfriend is allowing this to happen. She can keep coming up with "she's a lonely old woman" every single time you query her behaviour, but it's going to start wearing thin. You can either accept that your girlfriend comes as a package deal, which might also mean that if you ever move in together, her mother comes too. Or you can accept that your girlfriend is not independent enough to allow your relationship to flourish. You can't make her choose between the two of you, she has to decide that it's not working herself - right now, she thinks it's just you that has the problem. However, you can choose not to be a part of this. She is prioritising her mother over your relationship, but you don't have to. As for tonight, you can either cancel and say that you're not up to socialising with her mum, or you can go but postpone the serious talk until you can both be alone. If she tries to talk about it during the meal, say that you don't want to talk about it until you're alone and be firm. I'd also suggest that you don't ever stay over again. Presumably, it's her mum's house, so she feels she has a right to behave as she wishes, including invading her daughter's privacy. Book a hotel next time. Spending a little money to save your sanity is worth it, in my opinion. Edited September 30, 2012 by january2011
KathyM Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 I suggest you drop this girlfriend. She is making her mother a part of a triangle relationship with you and her, and that never works out well. My older sister's boyfriend did something similar when they were dating and after marriage--took the mother shopping for an engagement ring, consulted with the mother on every aspect of the couple's life together. Took the kids to the mother's house whenever the couple had an argument. There will be a third party in your relationship if you continue it who will interfere in it and be a controlling part of it. I'd suggest you cut your losses now and look for someone who is more independent-minded. 1
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