MrSausage Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 A question for the ladies here - if you met a guy late thirties, well presented, well spoken etc but has been single for the last seven years and not by choice, would this be an issue for you? I've had one relationship that lasted 4 years (lived with her too) and nothing else. Reasons for being single as I see them are - can't do the approach in bars. A fear of dating due to lack of experience for my age. When out, always alone so not approachable? Used to be overweight but not obese. Look young for my age. I never had any natural confidence growing up in my teens, my twenties and early thirties. In dating and relationship terms, I feel I am 15 to 20 years behind other people my age and it depresses me. I panic as 40 isn't far away - I've definately missed out. I have a good career, earn well above the average adult salary, uni educated, self supportive etc and that is the only thing I've got right. My once small social circle dwindled away a long time ago despite my efforts to maintain the friendships. They got married settled down etc. So now I find myself with no friends at all. If i go out, I'm on my own. If I want a meal out, I get disaproving looks sometimes in restaurants as I'm eating alone. I feel like a spectator on life and not a part of it. The above is a quick snapshot of my current situation I feel trapped in. Having said all the above, I'm a good person at heart so is seven years single/ with no sex a red flag? Thanks for reading.
kassy Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 I am in my 30's. I wouldn't have a problem with your dating history. I think you aren't alone in feeling like you are a bit behind experience wise. I wouldn't worry about it. I would be more worried about your lack of social life. As a dating prospect that would be a huge problem for me personally. How about getting a hobby? Meet up groups? Going for a beer with the people from work? Catching up with old friends on occasion? I want to date a man with a life, not someone who wants me to be everything. It's too much pressure! How are you planning on meeting someone anyway? I think you sound like a nice guy, but you need to go out and live a little :-) enjoy life, single or in a couple
january2011 Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 I agree with kassy's post. Try Meetup groups, especially the "new in town" or "international" ones where people are in a similar situation in terms of looking to build their social life. Also try volunteering, adult education, language exchange, etc. You really need to get out and start doing things. As kassy wrote, how are you going to meet people and what will you be doing with your time (other than working) when you are not with your partner? Getting out and about will also allow you to make your world bigger and you will be less focused on yourself and what might be wrong with you. You can also practise your conversational skills with all kinds of people, which will help you to be more confident when it comes to approaching a potential romantic partner. 1
amaysngrace Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Ditto to what has already been said. And to add if you see yourself as having a potential problem that will come across in the way that you present yourself. Volunteering would be a good way to interact and socialize more with others. It will also make you feel better about yourself if your heart is truly in whatever you volunteer to do.
Author MrSausage Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 thanks for the replies. After work Mon to Fri, I'm pretty tired so I don't have the energy for anything in the evenings. It seems harder to meet people my age now as I guess there is little incentive for people to meet new people or expand their social circles if they have a good one already established. As for being needy or clingy etc I am not that type. I've been on my own for so long now that I am not co-dependent and not reliant on someone fill the void if that makes sense. I have no expectations from anyone & I'm used to doing everything on my own now. There certainly wouldn't be any pressure from me.
Author MrSausage Posted September 30, 2012 Author Posted September 30, 2012 Just a note - I don't have a plan on how to meet a girlfriend. I never have. I'm not able to approach someone in a bar as I don't know how to flirt, read signals etc and I've concluded it won't happen in a bar or club on my own because I think women make too many judgements/conclusions about a guy on his own. If I ever met someone and things progressed then how do I explain lack of experience without coming across as a loser etc
kassy Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Well what about Saturday and Sunday? You completely disregarded the fact that we all said your relationship history is not a problem and that your social life is. We don't know you, we don't care, we told you the truth. You want to solve your problem, read the above posts again. Don't talk about past relationships for a while. The current guy I am seeing, I have a feeling he'll tell me he is divorced soon. We haven't discussed relationship much, just when we became single. I really like him (so far), dont care about his dating past... Keep it vague. Just as something like. "you know the usual dating and stuff, most significant relationship was for 4 years and we lived together". Months and mOnths later tell her the truth and why you mislead her. I don't care if you think you aren't clingy. I want to date someone who is happy and enjoys life and has his own friends and interests... I imagine that's most people. I don't want to be someone's entire social world. Give me a break if you think you are the only person single in their thirties, go out and meet people, guys and girls. Don't go to bars, go to something like a meetup group. What do you do on weekends?
meeji Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 yeah...I wouldn't care either that you have been single for a long time prior to meeting me. That's a good thing in a way. It doesn't make you look like a skirt-chaser and possible are looking for something with substance.
FitChick Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 His not having a lot of friends might be a plus for some women who have a wide social circle. How many times have we read on here about couples having conflicts with each others friends?
NoMoreJerks Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 (edited) Well, i might at some point wonder why he has been single for so long. What if he is a commitment phobe or a player? But i would give him a chance, observe his behavior for a few months, and male a judgment based on my insticts after that. Sorry but after a really crappy relationship whereby my ex had been singlemfor 2 years and going off to thailand 3-4 times a year, i cant help but think of these possibilities. But if its for all those reasons you posted, i wouldnt have a problem as long as u make an attempt at building a social circle. Edited October 1, 2012 by NoMoreJerks
jcrew11 Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Join a yoga class to meet women. At the very least you will broaden your friend circle and get healthier.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted October 4, 2012 Posted October 4, 2012 I wouldn't be disappointed by your dating history at all. I just wouldn't walk into a relationship saing "I've been alone for 7 years and not by choice".
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