Internet use-what do men & women think"not crossing the emotional & pysical line"

[sally1530]

Interested to know both points of views.... men and women... what does what is crossing the emotional and physical line with someone online? Should you have a profile and picture up advertising you are single when you are in a committed relationship, engaged or married? Should secrets be kept about your online actions?

Please explain....

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by sally1530

Should you have a profile and picture up advertising you are single when you are in a committed relationship, engaged or married?

No, No, and No.

Should secrets be kept about your online actions?

I think people often confuse privacy with secrecy. What someone does online is nobody else's business, and if you don't trust the person, the focus needs to be on building the trust, not corroding the privacy.

[sally1530]

I caught my ex-husband to be with a profile and picture up on lavalife.com , intimate encounters (looking for sex) .... busted him 28 days before wedding, wedding cancelled because he said I invaded his privacy... hello.... he shouldnt be hiding something like that from his future wife... unless he was doing wrong! and didnt want to get caught

[Fayebelle]

What were YOUUUU doing on lavalife.com?

[dyermaker]

I'm glad you didn't marry him.

 

With regards to snooping, some people say the ends justify the means. I think the means are evidence of the end that was there all along.

[sally1530]

I never knew what lavalife was.... until this. I caught him on his emailing.... not on the site.

[Fayebelle]

I thought it was the pot and the kettle again

[sally1530]

bottom line is I forgave him the next day and he lied to me for the next 3 days saying everything was cool with us, and all along he was cancelling the wedding under me. I mean if he was doing nothing on that site, then why did he cancell the wedding? He knew I was smart enough to bust him on that, maybe I would discover more, or that he didnt want to give it up... period...

[Fayebelle]

How long ago was this? You sound OK w/your decision to ditch him (good job BTW). Are you looking for general opinions here or more specific support?

[dyermaker]

You're not open to the fact that maybe he hadn't cheated on you at all, and just didn't want to marry someone who had enough disrespect for him to read his e-mail?

[Fayebelle]

He misrepresented himself as single on a singles' site and lied to her face. Plllgghh!

[dyermaker]

I'm very thankful not all women subscribe to this school of thought, that somehow invasion of privacy is justified, treating commitment as if it were a police state instead of something with an ounce of trust.

 

You're interested in my opinion, and I'm giving it: Guilty or not, Had you read my e-mail, I would have broken off the engagement as well.

[Craig]

From my male point of view it's real simple...

 

Crossing the line would include anything that violates the integrity of the healthy committed relationship. For me that would be regular communication with the opposite sex that is of a personal nature normally associated with people who are in a relationshiip or interested in a relationship.

 

Of course you shouldn't have a profile and picture up advertising you are single when you are in a committed relationship. Wait a minute! If you have a profile and picture up advertising you are single then you can not, by definition, be in a committed relationship. I don't know the situation but the profile & picture could be an old forgotten one (and denial ain't just a river in Egypt!)

 

Secrets shouldn't be kept from each other but I think some privacy is important. What is the difference? Well to me a "secret" is something that you keep private from your sig other because you are manipulating the relationship by with holding information.

 

If secrets are being kept about online actions one has to why. Is confidential work done on-line? Is there a bad experience in the secret keepers past where they were hurt by sharing their on-line actions?

[sally1530]

He would have never known I read the email that one time... I never thought he was cheating on me... I just wanted to see about the bachloer party.. he was fighting with me alot about the strippers and I was courious why.... instead I found that....

 

I do feel bad about snooping... Im sorry for what I found... but the bottom line is he was advertising himself as single looking for sex... and was not honest with me about it... what else would he lie to me about... plus he didnt respect me first... he was doing this the entire relationship... each time he went and emailed these gals for naked pictures, flirting or hookups.... he was disrespecting me..

 

I let him watch his porn movies anytime he wanted, and didnt care if he was on porn sites... because he could never actually hook up with these gals... but where he was and what he was doing was down right wrong, he knew I wouldnt approve, but he did it anyway... thats disrespect.

[Craig]

Originally posted by dyermaker

I'm very thankful not all women subscribe to this school of thought, that somehow invasion of privacy is justified, treating commitment as if it were a police state instead of something with an ounce of trust.

 

You're interested in my opinion, and I'm giving it: Guilty or not, Had you read my e-mail, I would have broken off the engagement as well.

 

dyermaker!! I would have broken off the engagement as well!

[sally1530]

the email he had that I saw was dated april 10th, I confronted him April 19th.... we were supposed to get married may 22nd....

 

The fact that he didnt think he was doing anything wrong , and he knew it would bother me, still did it anyway, and didnt think it was disrespectful.... hello?

 

If I caught him on my email, I wouldnt have even gotten that mad...I mean I have nothing to hide... never did with him period. I would never keep something secret like that... I just wouldnt do it period... or if I did it would be him sitting next to me having fun with it, opon his approval and knowledge I was flirting.

[sally1530]

sounds like he didnt love me at all then... my first mistake...and I get the boot?

[sally1530]

Also, I felt horrible about looking... I told him from the beginning as I questioned him. I just wanted to know the truth... I mean I was supposed to be his wife. If it affects my sexual health... I should know... I dont want to catch aids or some std.

[sally1530]

If it were really nothing... than why did he make such a stink of it? Why didnt he try and work things out with me? Why couldnt he just talk with me honestly about what he was doing? I was honest with him... dont I deserve that too?

[Sue Bee]

I agree with you Sally. My (then) fiance was carrying on with women on line and actually met up with a few and I knew nothing about it. I married him and didn't know about his cheating until after we were married.

 

 

One day I called home from work and he was on the computer which was funny - he said he never got on it. So that night I checked the history just to see what was up. My whole reason for checking up on him was because he had been b**ching at me for months thinking I was surely seeing other men. I kept assuring him I wasn't but he just kept on. Now I know why, because he felt guilty about what he was doing that he tried to justify his cheating. So i guess I checked to see what he was doing and never thought I would find what I found.

 

I don't feel bad for checking because not only did he lie and misrepresent himself to me but he also put my life in danger. One of the women I contacted said they used protection "most of the time". Well since I thought he and I were monogamous, we never used protection so he ultimately put my life in danger from getting AIDS, vd, etc.

 

I'm with you on this one.

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by Craig

dyermaker!! I would have broken off the engagement as well!

 

then you and dyermaker would have been doing her a great favor.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by littleflowerpot

then you and dyermaker would have been doing her a great favor.

For the record, it would have been for my own sake--no one else's.

 

Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust you?

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by dyermaker

For the record, it would have been for my own sake--no one else's.

 

Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust you?

 

you shouldn't. in the same vein, you shouldn't be someone that's untrustworthy either. i know what y'all are saying and i agree if there is no trust then there's probably no hope for the relationship but it just seems y'all are more focused on HER betrayal of his trust by reading his personal stuff than you are about his incredible breach of trust by pretending to be single to screw other women (women that he's lying to, btw) and lying about it to his partner. i really can't see how she's more at fault than this creep. i know she probably doesn't feel very lucky right now but she is because if she never found out and she married this guy than she'd be hurting a lot more than she is now.

 

also, i think if any of us had a deep gut feeling that our partner was cheating on us, we all might do a little snooping to verify we were right (or wrong). not saying it's right but i'm saying we'd most of us do it.

[Fayebelle]

Plus the guy is a an all-around lying jerk! I'm sure Sally doesn't want to think about it but- what about the girls he was meeting on this site. He was setting them up to join our OW posters.

 

They didn't read his e-mail- what did they do to deserve his betrayal?

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by littleflowerpot

you shouldn't. in the same vein, you shouldn't be someone that's untrustworthy either.

Obviously, which is why the first thing I said was that it's good they're not married.

 

She asked for opinions from both men and women. My opinion is that the ends don't justify the means, and one should never read things that don't belong to you.